A Bite More Than I Could Chew (Another bite turns to Dust)

 In less than a week's time I have returned to the blank page, endeavouring to not so much resurrect the fallen writer I once was, but rather; to sift through the malaise of the last couple years and write with the voice of that this journey has defined and prepared it's release. I'm not attempting to amass statistics reflecting number of views, not looking to assemble a "readership." I wouldn't know what to do with a readership if one were to appear.

When this "blogging" began, perhaps 8 years ago, I've lost track; I had no idea anyone could, or would read my content. Then I discovered, quite by accident, the "back office" and learned in fact there were a growing number of people reading... I put some time and energy into trying to grow these numbers - both for the blog and a book that I eventually wrote. At this time, I need to write for the sake of writing. Writing will be, the end and the means. If history repeats itself, the act of writing will open some doors and close others. At some level the act of writing feeds me. I will let that be inspiration for now - to serve the urge to write. If it so happens that this pursuit produces content that touches, moves or inspires others; well, wouldn't that be wonderful?

A recent experience inspires me and/or restores my faith in the good forces at work in the universe. A couple weeks or so ago, I went to a local market on my coffee break. Along with a wrap I bought for lunch, I bought a cookie that was discounted due to be close to, or past it's best before date. Hey, I like a bargain as much as the next guy. When I proceeded to eat said cookie, I realized it was pretty hard. One would expect some dryness etc. from an a stale cookie, but this was really hard. Anyway, I was going to make the best of it. It didn't taste half-bad once some bites could be broken off. Still, maybe this spoke more about me "Jones-ing" for a cookie than any benefit from the cookie.

I was chewing on a piece that I managed to bite off, when I bit into something hard and "crunchy." At that point I suspected that despite the texture of this aging baked goods, there was nothing in the cookie that would crunch like that!! I spit out a couple of these hard chunks - that simultaneously I recognized and with a swipe of my tongue over my front teeth, recognized as pieces of my dental bridge!

The prevailing wisdom that followed was, well my bridge is broken (or at least the veneer of one tooth is) nothing I can do about it now, I might as well finish the cookie.

I got back to the job site and showed my co-workers what had occurred. This bought me some additional time to contact the dentist's office and see about an appt. They had an appt. that afternoon near the end of their day (which meant I needed to leave work early). They were sure, even if the bridge was repairable, that it would happen then and there. So I went in on the premise that this was to be an assessment.

The dentist was more than an hour behind getting to me - I guess he must have abandoned the idea he was finishing "at 4 p.m. (my scheduled time was 3:30pm - which I was early for).

He came in had a look and indicated that the only way to make an "effective" repair would be to replace the entire bridge (though he then conceded that, this bridge being itself, over 40 years old and himself doing a repair on it 5 or 6 years ago, was withstanding the test of time). I indicated that there's no way I can afford a new bridge - "let's set our sights on fixing this one!" He proceeded to do just that. I was pleasantly surprised to be having it attended to sooner than later, now I wouldn't need another appointment!

As one might guess, this was a costly turn of events, the cost of the repair was $375.00! I didn't have the money in my checking account - so for the time being I put the whole thing on my credit card. I had mixed feeling about that. I was grateful to have credit enough to cover the emergency repair - but I had been for sometime previous to this situation, diligently working on (now here I will say) resurrecting my financial status; part of which involved paying off my credit card. Now, I had a sizeable balance - again!!

I considered the situation for a time, and decided to take the money from an account I had been accumulating for the purposes of taxes next year and pay off the balance. I reasoned I could resume savings while at the same time would not be accruing interest on a credit card balance.

I then decided I was going to contact the store and see if there was anything they would be willing to do to compensate me. I was given a number of their head office - so I recounted the story once again. I was asked to submit to them a copy of the repair invoice and I included the receipt from the store that showed my purchase of the cookie (and wrap) to collaborate my story. I was informed that she would be in touch with their insurance people and get back to me. When she contacted me again - I was told that they would give me a gift card for their store for the equivalent of the repair bill and the grocery purchase, the combined total being nearly $400.00

I was happy that this unfortunate incident - which I had initially thought was going to plunge me deeper into a further financial abyss, had taken a rather unexpected turn for the better.

I had no idea of the significance of that gift card with respect to what the near future had in store. Two weeks before Christmas we were hit with a winter storm that dumped a couple feet of snow - the work week that was to follow was entirely lost and the week between Christmas and New Years, we were already scheduled to be off. Next my employer contacted us all and offered to switch our time off to the week lost to the snow storm and we could work some or all of the week that was originally going to be our Christmas break - by that time the snow had melted.

So as it happens I will have three days of unexpected work, I have been judiciously saving money from the previous cheque, there may be something in the way of "stat" pay included in this coming pay day and I have almost $400.00 on a gift card for groceries (which arrived via the mail today)!

I couldn't have imagined any of this would happen nor the way it unfolded. I might add, I made it a point to speak up regarding all that occurred to each of the various players I needed to interact with next. I did not however come in with "both pistols blazing," I simply shared the facts, and invited the parties involved to suggest what might be possible, from there I let go of expectations of outcome.

After what has now spanned years, of political, corporate, and media deceit, deception, coercion and manipulation (with a complete lack of accountability from any of them) - this recent incident and outcome, as I alluded to earlier was refreshing and restorative.

There is good in the world - for this I am grateful!

R. O'Neill December 29. 2022

Back - For Better or Worse

 As the year bumps and grinds to its finale, from the personal maelstrom of existential quandary, uncertainty, apathy, resoluteness, and now perhaps a decision - I'm called to my long "lost" blog. I don't know whether to apologize to those that have followed in the past or to myself for this longstanding absenteeism. No longer a patron of Facebook which I was recently inspired to deem Zuckerberg's universe of deception; I will no longer be able to draw attention to new posts through that medium.

 I'm not sure that the readership that I once had, entirely came via that portal anyway. More than ever, I wish my musing, rants, missives, anecdotes, prose and poetry to reflect truth - therefore; as far as I'm concerned, most all the "social media" platforms are incongruent with truth. I won't know, whether indeed this blog platform will prove to be problematic - I may well seek alternative media sources for my personal writing and potentially submission recipients in the New Year; whether I experience censorship on this site or not.

If the blog does find its way to previous or new readership I will endeavour to communicate location changes when and if applicable and as I am able. What has not changed, is my fairly minimal acquaintance with navigating the online world. The way things seem to be going these days, is people are shutdown, censored etc. abruptly, so it might then follow I'm throttled before I can communicate anything. Equally true, my "status" as a pretty small fish, may well mean that my "sphere of influence" might be viewed as equally minuscule thereby evading the watchful eyes of "fact-checkers" and censors.

As I sit in neighbourhood cafe and look over top of my laptop screen four images catch my gaze; they include another local artists rendition (oil paintings) of four more artists of note: Jim Morrison, Marilyn Monroe, Paul McCartney, and Elvis - three of four passed over, though their lives have left a lasting impact. If I ever had some concern for that sort of "immortality" or legacy, I believe it is markedly subdued, if present at all. My impression of these four is that they at least artistically expressed themselves authentically. I don't actually know how much they "played to the audience," or media moguls etc. Even if, or despite that, they unquestionably brought their unique selves to their art form and by extension, their lives. None without their personal demons, I guess only they know, to what degree they were able to quiet the inner angst - while they lived.

I believe my writing in the past to have been to the best of my ability at the time, authentically me as much as I could muster, devoid of pandering to social agreement or approval seeking. If these last few years have cemented anything in my personal GPS it would be that if I write, I have no interest in massaging the content for anyone, I have experienced wholesale abandonment, vast "ghosting" - professional transition and I suppose one would say an entire restructuring of social connection. Some of this may well have been the natural attrition of personal relationships akin to Marianne Williamson's attributing relationships to be of three types: "for a reason," "for a season," "for a lifetime." Others, who knows really - in my experience seldom (if ever) do these parting of the ways, come with an explanation. In still some other cases - it can be directly attributed to my stand and beliefs with respect to the events and narratives that have held the world captive over the last three years. Really in hindsight, these were not relationships of any depth or substance if they dissolved so readily - the true colour and timbre was revealed - like it or not thus it was to be (often I did not "like" - it was rather painful) however likely for the higher good.

Given my penchant to "people-please" the vestiges of survival strategies I embodied much of my life - this last few years has shown me, there is zero use in showing up any other way than as my true self. Nothing was gained maintaining the facade and veneer of an engineered persona. Many I experienced in my life only "welcomed" me as long as I echoed their perspectives and beliefs. When I couldn't or wouldn't, no longer able to endure the discomfort of my own incongruence they were gone.

Someone said,  speak and live the truth you may not have many friends, but those that come into your life will represent your true community (paraphrased and without credit - as I don't remember who said it). I suppose I'm squarely in the speaking and living phase of this evolution. As far as I can see, the "decks" have been cleared of false friends & pseudo-community. It has also been said that "nature abhors a vacuum" - so it is possible relational transformation is on the horizon. I recognize that I can very readily bask in my own company - both a gift and sometimes a detriment, if I allow it to carry too far. I don't seek to isolate entirely - nor do I suffer from any delusion of grandiosity or self-importance. I'm just getting older (than God for that) and I have a growing desire for honesty and equally increasing lack of appetite for bullshit, drama and games.

The last three years comprised of lies, manipulation, coercion and full-scale abuse have demonstrated to me that I have a zero tolerance policy for it in my life. I quite honestly don't know where these decisions, forged in chaos, pain, fear, grief and sometimes despair - will lead me. I have decided to live a lie, imbues a life that may well prove to be not worth living - one can run, but not hide from themselves so good luck to those that think they will attain peace by following the crowd, through virtue signalling or looking to false idols for their sense of identity or protection. I mean that sincerely - if this is your choice, blessings on your journey, I don't wish you any ill-will. For me a life built on a foundation of dishonesty, power-seeking, control or fear will never be one of inner peace and satisfaction. Quite the opposite, the collective maw of those influences will never be sated.