Wednesday 28 July 2021

Passion - The Sequel

 I effectively have become estranged from my own blog. It's interesting to consider. According to the "backdoor" features (my term) the "stats" indicate somebody is still reading.  For quite some considerable time after creating the blog, I didn't even know you could track readership. Then beyond that I didn't know there had been some readers trying to interact through the site. I believe I attempted to reconcile my, what must have seemed to be perhaps a lack of grace in not responding; while literally I didn't know there was anything or anyone to respond to. 

Today I've decided to write something. For those who read, whomever you may be, I thank you! Truly I hope that something I share touches you in some useful fashion. Whether my "natural" evolution or the aftermath of the last eighteen months (and counting) - I perceive more than ever, that I have very little to proclaim. I don't know that I ever really did, I certainly spent a period of time trying to present my perspective as more than it merits - I understand that now, to have been a deep-seated "need" to compensate for believing I'm "none of that..."

Certainly I continue to have my own beliefs, perspectives and life experience. I don't need anyone to cosign it, agree with it, follow it - I just need to live it.

I do love to write (as I discovered some years ago now). I'm also aware of the contradiction created by the absence of anything in written form juxtaposed along with the previous claim. I actually write every morning, have for some period of time now. There has been a couple mornings (maybe the time frame is 6 months) where I hit the floor running, probably more accurate spinning off in some various forms of un-groundedness  and rather than employ one of the practices that generally centers me before beginning my day, I just decided to continue to spin... no writing occurred on those occasions. Gratefully those morning have been minimal (it's a good reminder of how most everyday of my life was spent at a different place in time).

So today, I was acknowledging to myself in my journal, that I had now completed ninety (90) consecutive days of guitar practice - since deciding to follow my passion to learn how to play electric guitar (and to generally more comprehensively become better acquainted with the guitar. I considered that I don't need to wait before I can play the guitar like (insert your own guitar player of choice) in order to acknowledge my successful commitment so far, that progress is being made (even if it's the establishment of regular practice of practice) - I probably not going to play like whomever you might (or I) might imagine... I'm going to play more like me. 

I would still identify writing as a passion... I would also say it has given way to other pursuits and considerations. It may well return - which is to say, beyond what is currently sprawling across my computer screen.

There is much to be said about the journey with my guitar (well there's two electrics in the stable at the moment) - that's a journey in and of itself. I'm learning about the different gear - a learning curve and a field that in itself is vast. Within that I'm looking for my place, I seem to spend considerable time in my life with that pursuit.. More frequently I locate myself where my head, heart, hands and butt are - that feels good to me. As for guitar equipment, well I'm trying to determine where in the spectrum of available "tools of the trade" do I care to roost. What is hype? What is crass commercialism? How much is the group mind in the world of music influence by the hype and commercialism? Do I care to have those "Strat" tones? Can my taste, ear, values and sensibilities be appeased on my terms? Where does "entry level" end and junk begin? There are some tones that I just love - no question about it!! But even with the equipment I've acquired thus far (all "used") there are literally infinite combinations of settings and variables - that influence sound. Not to mention the hands of the person wielding it all!!!

Nonetheless celebration is the name of the day! I recognize a milestone has been realized and, it's all part of the bricks being laid in a foundation! Even as I sit here writing, the guitars are staring me down!! I fully intend to practice tonight. I decided to strike a balance and answer the call to write. I was a near -"terminal" perfectionist in my life prior. To be clear, I'm not talking about excellence, or doing one's best. I talking about a shame-based belief that I was and never would be, good enough; looking at life, through that lens, I was not often inclined to try new things and had very little patience, compassion or willingness within myself to "be a beginner."

That has changed! 

Today was another triumph! I'm vaguely aware the "Olympics" are occurring. For me that is so far in the background of my awareness - it's almost not happening. Anyway I make the reference to conjure the contrast around said triumph. Is it the stuff of "Olympians." I imagine in the minds of many - not at all!

I purchased a used amplifier, maybe a couple months ago, from a fellow up-island. I was aware that it was "programmable" not something I really wanted to get into - I just knew it had some features my original amp (which I bought along with the first guitar) did not. It is, "more amplifier" - by which I don't just mean "louder." I've also come to learn there is more to be had from the first one than I first realized! So much to learn!! Anyway I wouldn't have bought this amp new, but the price he was asking was pretty reasonable, a third of the new retail price!

I got the thing home (I did try it some at his place before buying it.... had him play some and run through the features)... after playing with it some, I decided I didn't want all his programmed "preset" sound patches - so some online research informed me I could invoke the reset sequence and put it back to "factory" specifications. I reasoned I wanted to start from just clean sound and then maybe layer in some effects. This reset could be accomplished just pressing a few buttons on the amp simultaneously - ready, set, go!!

The good news was it still made sound after I let go of the buttons!! I just played on it through the "clean" channel - alternating back and forth between the two amps. Reading this, reading that - trying not to get lost in all the "tweaking" and not get any practicing done. 

One day I decided to try some of the "over-drive" channels. Well first I created something a kin to a "sonic boom.." scared the shit out of myself!! Then I turned it down some and tried it - seem one could get some of those "rock and roll tones" but they would be present and then not... I was somewhat emboldened by any knob-turning was all being done in "manual" mode nothing would remain once I turned the amp off and back on.

I looked on line for some local or even in this country service centers (the amps are out of Britain) meanwhile I just kept twisting dials - as close as I can figure the volume I had on the clean channel - could not be selected on over-driven channel, lest one wanted to crack plaster, windows and eardrums - once dialled back, the other features seemed to be available. 

I heard back from someone from the service centre.. they suggested I go online to the website where there is a platform you can patch into through your computer to interface with the amplifier and download updates, change parameters and settings... 

I'm like, yes I could (or I can just keep playing it on the one channel... it's sounds pretty good) it didn't cost me a fortune) somedays the other amp seems okay as I do some more experimentation - keep in mind, I live in an apartment, I can't be dialing in some simulated "arena-rock" setting and cutting loose!!!

Anyway, last night I decided to try and determine if this amp is up to date (internal software etc.) also keep in mind, any reference I'm making to the techie-side of the spectrum here is not in anyway to be confused with fluency ..... I'm pretty much a leave well-enough alone - and don't f... with it (unless absolutely necessary) I downloaded the application that would allow me to interact with the amplifier then I searched my bag of random cables for something that looked like it had connections that would work at either end. I found just such a wire - however it yielded an error message and indicated that the cable must be data-capable) how the $#%& was I going to tell that - other than, I concluded it quite possibly isn't because the computer is unable to talk to the amplifier. Off to London Drugs electronics department this morning with the cable I tried to use (so I could give a visual of the connections that were necessary) and a hand written note transcribed from the error message so I could communicate what was "supposed to occur." 

Dude is like, oh you want a data cable - rather than just a charging cable!! (like this is painfully obvious!!) I get in step and reply, "why yes, I believe I do, do ya have anything like that?). Yes, he answers - in the computer department... (in hind-sight I consider, I suppose that is where you would find a data-friendly cable alright!!

This evening - I unpackaged said cable connected the cable to both the amplifier and my computer and voila I have imagery on my screen of a control panel that tells me where all the amp settings are currently - and has an endless array of effects etc. that could be selected and saved. (It was also helpful that I watched a couple guys on youtube last night - reviewing amps by this same company and one was doing a basic tour through that interface environment, so at least it looked a little familiar).

 I looked around a little saw the one labelled "bass" - "I think I might have a little too much of that going on!" and there is not a external equalizer to dial it back - played a few chords and scales to appreciate the changes - it save and got the hell out of this "electronics" "beyond the pale...." When all was said and done, a pretty "easy" procedure - and yet in some ways I ventured into alien space - with not much in the way of innate "sense of direction" - but a willingness to pray liberally and consult the hinterland of the inter-web and nothing short of a miracle unfolded!!

I don't need to be messing with anything else - just now! But I know how to get in there now!!

I clicked on some other buttons that were for menus etc. and found one that allowed me to determine that the amplifier is up to date with system downloads. Thank God! I can just get back to my scales!!

The other thing I'm celebrating today is the sale of one of my books!! I don't know when it sold exactly - it's been a couple weeks since I have been in the cafe - but it was inspiring for me to know that another of my passions is still bearing fruit. I also had the opportunity to give the 30sec. elevator speal about the book, to another fellow in the shop (who got curious when he heard the owner ask me if I was still interested in doing an "author's evening" (now that some of the other madness has subsided ... at least for now)..

Yes I absolutely am, was my answer and as I was leaving, he was looking at the last remaining copy of my book there in the shop. I will drop off some more copies tomorrow.

The book has also found it's way into a local addictions centre - where I have been meeting with some residents "one on one" & offer a group, when necessary combination of residents are present and simultaneously have the willingness or curiosity to attend.

I'm intrigued at the various ways passion finds its way to become expressed. My part seems to be to neither give up on passion nor myself. To do my best to get out of the way, so that passion can do what passion does best.

I want to facilitate others and their relationship with passion. I have no doubt of its existence and I'm aware on can be the vehicle through which passion is delivered or the dam in the river. I seek to become more consistently the former, rather than the latter.

I big part of that is to not allow myself to succumb to the fears and opinions of anyone else (and especially not those of my own!!)


R.O'Neill (July 28, 2021)

* (I gotta get practising, so I tried to "proof-read" along the way... however this post is largely raw & unedited) - of course so is the author!! I'm going to hit "publish!!)

Tuesday 22 June 2021

Would the "Last Man Standing," Be "A Good Man?"

People 65 years and older, especially men, have a high risk of suicide. As Canada’s largest population group, the baby boomers, approach the plus 65 age range, we may see an increase in suicide in years to come (Canadian Coalition for Seniors’ Mental Health (CCSMH), 2009; Van Orden & Deming, 2017).


A growing body of research indicates that a significant number of men and boys are facing substantial psycho-social difficulties, which manifest in a number of worrying statistics involving mental health, addiction and suicide.

To start, males account for more than 75 per cent of suicides in Canada. That's an average of 50 men per week dying by suicide.

Similarly, surveys indicate that Canadian men are around three times more likely to experience addiction and substance abuse compared to Canadian women. This includes alcohol, cannabis, and opioid abuse. Highlighting the scale of the problem, the British Columbia Coroners Service reports that males accounted for 81 per cent of drug overdose deaths in that province in 2020. 

(Taken from the Opinion Piece - "Alarming Numbers Around Men's Mental Health Indicate Need for National Response). Written by Rob Whitley, Associate Professor of Psychiatry at McGill University and a research scientist at the Douglas Research Center.)

So why is it that in a world that by many accounts, is "a man's world," and advantages men and only men etc.; are the male suicide statistics so disproportionately high? I have no academic credential, in its stead, I offer, I am at least for the sake of this discussion male, and I have in my lifetime, seriously contemplated and scripted, my own premature exit strategy. My perspective is not "peer-reviewed" - though I suppose, if you could get enough men that have considered ending their own lives, walked away from the idea, or failed in the attempt to speak up; one might consider that "peer-affirmation."

My view and experience runs directly contradictory to the supposition, that men are innately weak - I would say that the problem is that men collectively operate under a well-entrenched idea that they must be strong; the uncompromising grip held on this mind-set (and that it is often vehemently "policed" by other men (and no small number of women) that it becomes, all too frequently, a terminal pathology.

There have been enough variations on a theme to recognize that no amount of material wealth, fame, or power ensure an inner domain that is defined by connectivity, equanimity, what I'll call a healthy self-satisfaction - even though there are many cases of those that acquire worldly riches and personal empires of a staggering magnitude. It often doesn't add up to enough to "make life worth living!"

The whole idea of "male-privledge" (though it is very real in some contexts) - seldom if ever, includes the discussion of what it denies and the cost it extracts from its adherents.

The stoic, never seen flinching - (would take or deliver a bullet and then go for night-cap) - never saying die, winning at all costs - etc. has got to maintain a significant detachment (from anyone - often anyone, that is seen as an adversary or competition) consequently themselves as well. That doesn't mean they've got no humanity it means it is intentionally repressed (training that begins very young) - the thing is all those feelings and the pain of denying those fingers doesn't just vanish - it requires ever increasing quantities of a compulsion/s of choice - to keep those feelings at bay.. and I suppose maintain "their edge." That would be something I'm not really personally familiar with - I don't think I've ever had an edge. I've been "edgy," nerves have been decidedly on edge (but that would about it).

There is far more comprehensive coverage of addiction (and it myriad presentations) than I will visit in this post. I have had 15 yrs. of chemical addiction (which included alcohol and drugs, tobacco, sugar and caffeine) the first three were addressed while the others (along with over-eating and intermittently  soothing with all the "wrong foods" the last two have proved to be reoccurring challenges - an array of "substances" that one can freely indulge without any particular social objection). Through what is now 34+ years of "sobriety - I have become increasingly familiar with the "whack-o-mole" nature of addiction and realized that if one doesn't get to the heart of the matter, "lopping off one head," presents with a couple more perhaps with a new face - but potentially just as life-limiting.

Addiction and it's many faces has multi-generational impacts, left un-arrested those impacts fan-out through the ancestral lineages and form societal collectives of the "walking wounded." The prevalence is far more significant than many would care to acknowledge (in part, because a classic presentation of addictive/compulsive behaviours, is the denial of its presence, by the one most completely in its clutches).

I would say that a significant percentage of what is so commonly deemed as "normal" in our modern world is the manifestation of addiction and the cascading "domino effects," - it's why so many can continue to operate with such self-appointed impunity with no regard for the world around them.

Meanwhile in true addictive fashion the widespread quest to attain the by now, venerated "Western world" vision of "success," which itself is built on unsustainable suppositions, has defined more "failures" than "winners," tears at the hearts of thousands as they walk step by step ever further away from themselves - convinced, "the promised land," is just around the corner of the next, self-sacrifice only to eventually become more aware of the illusion and delusion of the whole schtick. 

What does the self-perpetuating "real man" do when he gets glimpses that he's "failing" at being a success or the "success" he championed leaves the after taste of what's left of his undigested soul - he works longer, harder - a shot of bourbon here - a few lines there (gotta maintain "that edge,") stay "ahead," if he can't make the grade - there's a hungry young guy only to ready to "take one for the team," that can replace him in a heart beat (of course with at least some shift in trajectory in the workplace toward equal opportunity/gender equality everybody's vying for the same promotion).... of course his undying focus on career advancement has alienated him from any family that may still be "at home," alone with or without their company, he wonders when success will deliver him from his angst... The pain of loneliness demands more self-medication (maybe it's the "understanding" found in the arms of a co-worker) maybe it's less "involved and personal" found in the company of those that provide "physical satisfaction" without a lot of complications - maybe it's up all hours trolling internet porn sites and seeking the release of compulsive masturbation.

All those pent up feelings and the pain of "purposeless" living have got to go somewhere!

How long is it before the dude is jumping out the window of his corner office suite, found in his garage having giving himself "the ticket to ride" via the exhaust pipe of his BMW - swinging from a drain-pipe by his designer tie or made himself the last of his trophy-hunting targets?

Or maybe he manages to remain functionally detached and "comfortably numb," will he live long enough to enjoy "the fruits of his labour?" How many eulogies, actually capture the truth of a man's "inner world," in many cases, those "closest to him," won't even know it existed (maybe the same for him - well beyond the pain, he is trying to keep at arm's length or one-step ahead of) - "he was a pillar in his community," a tireless "provider," "always there when you needed him, (he suffered from chronic self-abandonment) - the life of the party!" Once the cliche's have been exhausted - the reception attendees are swept awash by the momentary reckoning with never actually having known this guy and a brush with their own mortality which is readily remedies with another dozen appetizers and another visit to the complimentary bar.

I haven't written anything much for quite sometime - I found this piece amongst the dozen or so open tabs on my computer, so I decided to reign in my "attention deficit," and see where this particular "unfinished symphony," was going to go.

Is this account the outcome or truth for all men? Not entirely yes, not entirely no! It would be a composite of my known awareness of a cross-section of male lives mixed with no small amount of my own life experience. As such it's clear to me now, why I started to write it and abandoned it - I don't consider it particularly courageous, definitely not "absolute truth," though it is based on more truth than meets many an eye. For me, it just needed to be said - what healing does it offer or purpose does it serve? I would say, my experience is teaching me, there is more pain in withholding the truth than ever is to be experienced in expressing it.

I'm both knocking at the door of the age group that is encompassed in the "stats," and not concerned that I'm off to join their ranks anytime soon. Having said that, I am hosting considerable angst at times (some of which I continue to address throw a multi-tiered avenue of tools and support - some of which might occasionally awaken from dormancy, some compulsive, if not impulsive, eating or spending money - both which feeds the gaping maw of the God of the "Economy and capitalist consumption;" so nobody is going to give a shit, one way or another, if I were to become another "collateral damage" statistic - as long as I was "a good man.")

I would be remiss (if to no other than myself) if I didn't mention, the events of the last nearly one and a half years (and their myopic and oppressive management) do not in any way, shape or form; give me any reason for optimism, trust or confidence in government, the medical community or would be authorities & drug corporations (to be fair - I had no glut of any of the above, for those institutions pre-"Covid"). I wouldn't have thought it possible, but I have even less now. They all have their place in the mosaic - I for one have no intention of giving them carte blanche in my wellness. Most anyone would have declared (at least) that the government of one strip or another was not to be trusted - suddenly, they are the champions of altruism and champions of health and well-being?? (As if!!!!!!!)

When they aren't making "public service" announcements about their latest Covid restrictions and compliance expectations - they are carrying on their business as usual pandering to corporate agendas, further approving - ecological degradation and generally continuing to approve the very things that are threatening the health of the planet and it's occupants. None of the newly released spectrum of experimental vaccines, is going to change any of that.

If, there were to be a return to anything like what defined the previous "framework" of "Normal," (which I neither think is likely, and in many ways, may be the only reason for hope) thinking the vaccine/s (or yet to be released news, that the chemical cocktail, or some variation thereof, is to be a regular part of your diet, for the rest of your life) is going to be the great Panacea... I would say, would be like having had a gun to your head, for the number of years prior to Covid you've been alive - just in case, you ever see fit to pull the trigger - now under the "New Normal," you've emptied out the nickel plated cartridges and replaced them with a recently developed titanium bullet - but when you pull the trigger???????????????

Maybe this signifies the end of my writer's block.... maybe the block was comprised mostly of some misguided notion that I had to pander to a particular viewpoint - I do not (nor does anyone else, but not my business). 

The Hans Christian Anderson story of "The Emperor's New Clothes" keeps coming into my consciousness.. the theme I realize keeps demonstrating itself, over and over again in my life....

I recognize that there has been a significant portion of my life, that was spent - cooing, oohing, and awing with the crowd at the various narratives ("he must be wearing the finest of garments," everyone else seems to believe it's so - there must be something wrong with me)....

Am I perfect (far from it!!) however I can tell you in a great many experiences I've lived through the "Emperor" is butt-naked - plain and simple!! (it doesn't matter how intricate the story is woven to represent his "finery).



R. O'Neill (June 22, 2021)







Friday 2 April 2021

It's Got to Be You!

You 
Can be
Forgiven
For 
Believing
You 
"Should" 
Or
Must
Suck it up

But 
Can you?
Will you?
Forgive
You?

Why?
In 
The name
Of 
All that 
Is holy...

Would 
You 
Subject yourself
To 
The 
Entirely
Misguided
Dogmatic insistence
Of
"Social" agreement
To
Ignore, repress 
Dismiss or minimize
Your own
Human suffering?

Stop 
Please
Just stop!

Anytime
You 
Hear 
"Get over it.."
"Oh that's not so bad..."
"It could be worse..."
Etc.


You 
Are hearing
Reflected..

Habituated
Lack of willingness
or 
Ability
To Love (Yourself)

It's 
There and then
A cross-road
Presents

You can 
Tell yourself
That you 
Matter
(the all of
your experience)

Rather than
Continue
To terrorize
And demean
The 
Very parts
Of 
Yourself
That are 
Yearning
For your
Love
(and only 
your love)

Nobody
Gets to
Define
The depth
And 
Scope 
Of 
Your love 
For yourself

What 
It looks 
Like
or
That it's 
Merited

Don't 
Look 
To others
For 
Your example

Be 
The 
Example
And
Loving
Embodiment
For 
Yourself....


R.  O'Neill (April 02, 2021)

 

Reveille

What 
Beckons
At 3 a.m.
While
One
Otherwise
Is surrounded
By
The collective
Slumber
Of
Those
Quenching
The exhaustion
Of
Force-fed
Acquiescence
and
Rampant conformity

Creation
Itself
Will not
Be 
Thwarted
Despite
Being
Forgone
For 
Your dubious
Daily
"To-Do List"

How much
Will
The world
Benefit
From 
You
Claiming
Another 
Hour of 
Sleep?

Listen
Be guided
Embrace
Rather than
Toss
Turn
Resist

Will
You reach
For 
Sedation
While
From
Within
You 
Are being
Called
By
Creation?

Will 
You 
Answer
The call
Or
Flail
In search
Of
A
Continued
Snooze?


R. O'Neill (April 02, 2021)





Tuesday 30 March 2021

Look Again

 

Conjured
Doomsday
Prognostication
Midway-esque
Statistical
Slight of hand
Splashing
Broad
Humourless
Blackened
Brushstrokes
Across
A
Canvas
That 
Once
Reflected
Infinite possibility 

Media
Political forces
Marketing
Propaganda
Speculation
Dressed as authority
Assumption
And blind conjecture
Collide
To 
Offer
Nay insist
There be
One & only one
Finite
Response
All 
Others
Need not apply

Unmitigated 
Authoritarianism 
Sold as
Altruism
Swallowed whole
By
The gaping maw
Of
A mass
Populace
Groomed 
For unquestioned 
Consumption

How 
Diabolically
Ironic
To 
Be poisoned
By
Lust 
For the 
Return
of the
Very (ab) Normalcy
That 
Struck 
You ill
To begin with
Convinced
To 
The last
You
(the rest be damned)
Were to 
Be saved

R. O'Neill (March 30, 2021)

Tuesday 23 March 2021

What the Hel(smen)?

An inordinate 
Volume 
Of time
And 
Worry
Is afforded
Concern
For
The vessel
Of
One's being

That 
It be lost 
To 
 Tempestuous
Seas
Left impaled
Upon
The rocks
Left 
Bereft and marooned
By
The vicissitudes 
of
Life 

While 
Little or perhaps
No attention
Is 
Given
To 
A ship
Rendered
Rudderless
By indecision..
Apathy or resignation

Such
A vessel
Is left
A prime objective
For 
The opportunist
Seeking
To commandeer 
Just such 
An abandoned
Ship
To be used
For the pursuit
Of 
Their own
Journey
In search
Of 
Adventure, Intrigue and Prosperity

Can one
Then 
Be consoled
Through association 
Receiving
Ample
Vicarious reward
While
Another
Plies the
Distant reaches 
Of 
Their  own 
dreams

Alas such 
Pleasure
Would be hollow
And 
Fleeting
At best

And once
The intrepid
Voyager 
Has reached
The
Shores 
Of his 
Destination
The
Spent remains
Of
His commandeered
Vessel 
Will be scuttled
Far from 
Shore
As it 
Will not serve
Him
(or anyone)
Any further..


R. O'Neill (March 23, 2021)


Thursday 25 February 2021

Why Pay The Piper If the Fiddler Calls the Tune?

 "Come on let's go out and play before it get's too dark!" - Rob O'Neill (8yrs old) 

What is this then? Simple, I source my quotations - when & where, I choose to utilize them. This suggestion elicited from my eight year old self, is a profound as it is, "simplistic." And despite what, as I sit here to write, is somewhat of a squall brewing outside; there will be adequate time, to "feel the wind in my hair," or the equivalent thereof, given I have no hair; after I finish writing.

I have added to my Artist's Way suggested activity (which on top of the regular requirement, of "morning pages" and a weekly "Artist's date" - was to be a week of "Reading Deprivation..") I'm now 5 days into that and had my sights set on breaking that fast, with transitioning into a juice fast. Circumstances have shifted and changed, which have resulted in my deciding to commence the juice fast today. So clearly the two activities are now to overlap. The reading "break," is due to lift, come Saturday; the envisioned juice cleanse/fast to run perhaps 3-4 days (I have gone longer in the past). This one, being not "planned to the nth degree," I believe, I will not be particularly rigid with, regarding duration. It could even possible extend, beyond the afore mentioned time span. I'll see how it goes and how I feel along the way.

How it going right at the minute? Well, it's just before three in the afternoon I've had three of the six bottles of juice I have available for today. Seems to me, that holds me in good stead. I do feel hungry - but I also know from past fasting, the actual physical hunger, seemed to peak after a while, and though it never went away entirely, it also never got worse. (of course this was on those occasions, when I fasted for six days) I have no idea, experience or current idea, to undertake anything longer than that.

I imagine the "cleansing" function is underway ... as journeying to the loo, would be more frequent than normal rhythms.

I've been off caffeine again for quite some time, also dairy, I eat almost entirely vegetarian (still eat eggs & the occasional piece of salmon)... The current nutritional status, has been arrived at through all kinds of trial and error... Not really part of any "spiritual" paradigm, as much; as it's for me, about, achieving and maintain a health weight, energy and vitality levels that support my envisioned activity level, digestion bliss and just generally feeling good in my body.  Having compiled that list, I suppose it can be said and seen, that there is an element of spirituality at play - but it's being constituted from the "inside out." (which would be how some define "spiritual" I gather). I'm not trying to live up to the dictates, dogma, moral standards of anyone else - I'm just trying to arrive at what is optimal for me. Being overly concerned with what others eat or drink, just muddies the water and is not my business.

I understand an occasional juice cleanse/fast to be beneficial on many levels for one's being. I'm therefore offering myself that gift. I haven't done a ton of research, I won't being undertaking reams of before and or after analysis. Just going to get it done and see what I learn along the way. If it happens to be adequate to "detoxify," or lessen any inflammation going on in my body - great! I'm sure it will have me become more conscious, about my eating habits, and I would like to carry some revisions forward - post fast.

It's interesting to note, each time I get up from my writing for a "personal break," it runs through my mind - "I could use something to eat...." then I remember, "oh ya, not today O'Neill - it's cook's day off!! When one doesn't grab for a book and or something to eat while reading the book (and by "one," I mean me) suddenly I'm in a different relationship with myself. As it happens, I'm not doing much in the realm of the "Old nine to five" these days; so, in coupling some of these various avenues of introspection, and self examination, along with more than the average amount of "free time," there's precious little room in which to hide. Therein lies, where this can become interesting and revealing as well as,  bring about the catalyst for change; albeit - it's not necessarily, "a walk in the park.." - even if you might be, actually walking in the park!

The opening "quote" was derived from another Artist Way Course suggestion: that one write some about their eight year old self, and then have the eight year old, write to your current self, with the invitation to hear, what you would tell yourself.

I wrote "to myself" with my "non-dominant" hand (which to me is just my other hand) I am ambidextrous to a degree; the left hand, which I chose, when it was suggested, I "had to" pick a hand, is the more fluent of the two, because I've habituated using it... But, the right hand can write fairly legibly, and I believe will become equally as effective, with continued practice. Why bother? Well partly because I believe, if I can, why wouldn't I? I'm also curious what effect that might have, encouraging the more consistently and collaboratively use of both hemispheres of my brain .. again, why not? And for the sheer novelty and fun of it!

Enter my eight year old self.... it probably would have been somewhere, in that age range, when we were first learning to print and then write, that someone decided I needed to be "something-handed.." it sure wasn't my idea!! Chalk it up to the "penguins" - speaking of chalk, they only wanted ya, writing with one hand with that too! The "training" was "persuasive" and I ultimately "chose" a side (but at what cost?) eight year old Robbie is saying about now... fuck 'em, let's write with both hands!! 

"Let's go out and play!!" 

What value does this have? Well as far as I'm concerned it is of far greater value, than obsessing and stressing over "Covid!" No wonder my "inner child" is reminding me about "playing" and the "threat" of darkness..  I'm of a mind, that I'm going to spend the rest of my life, fostering the further development of my creative faculties - whether I live another thirty minutes, or another thirty years. I have empathy and respect for people's fears and any losses they have incurred. This whole thing, that which is real and otherwise, has cost a great many, a great deal ... and it still is! Nobody is going to tell me, that I have to dwell on it for the rest of my days. I believe life is constantly unfolding, with endless creativity and the invitation I'm hearing; is to meet that ever changing creative reality, with all the creativity and imagination I can muster. 

I am not going to live in the dark of the dooms-day machine, churning out its daily lamentations. I actually believe the world and everyone in it needs to get out and play. Forget all this terminal seriousness!! I have no "stats," but I bet suffering is a trillion kazillion dollar industry. Let's get serious about playing! Not take it seriously (i.e. "win at all costs," never say die" etc.) but give serious consideration and commitment to having fun!  

"When?" - "not now you've got to do your homework" "When?" not now, you have to practice for your music lesson..." "When?" Not now, you have to graduate with the correct GPA to get into a good university!!" "When?" Not now, there's your whole career path unfolding ahead of you now... you have debts to pay, a mortgage, family.....) "When?" Not now, you have to earn enough and invest it correctly so that you can have enough to retire on!!" "When?" Not now, you got kids to put through college and aging parents" "When?" Not now, your magic retirement numbers are just near your reach... stay the course! "When?" Not now, you pushed a little too hard - you're going to require some hospitalization to stabilize your health.... "When?" Not now, you're dead!

While it might be true that it is "always darkest before the dawn.." I believe it is vitally important to determine who is calling the darkness and how and when you define it dawn!


R.  O'Neill (February 25, 2021)


Monday 22 February 2021

The More of Deprivation

 In what might be considered a prime example, of the "chicken or the egg" analogy, through the vehicle of the written word via my blog; I intend to wax upon the latest progression, within a somewhat self-directed "course" - written by Julia Cameron: "The Artist's Way" which is described as a - "A Course in Discovering and Recovering Your Creative Self"- "A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity."

I began about six weeks ago just following the "morning pages" and "artist dates" guidelines (I had some familiarity with those aspects, from another time when I took a run at the course) at that time stalled in the process; and never did commence, with the various other suggested activities, laid out for each week of the course. This time round, I am following much closer to the recommendations (with the exception that, completing the week's activities, has on occasion, over lapped into the next week - I believe this to be an acceptable compromise, as I am in fact, completing the work).

I had been given a package set of the course - which I held on to. Within the set, was a copy of the book and an accompanying journal.. I am reusing the journal, despite having filled some of the pages, with the previous attempt at the course. Because the chapter references within the journal, correspond with each section of the book - I was physically further along in the journal, (meaning readings, quotes etc. where for the week's activities, that I had yet to arrive at). Due to this, I had become aware, that in "Week Four" one of the "Activities" was entitled "Reading Deprivation." At the time I didn't give it much credence, though I have to admit, my blood momentarily ran cold. Apparently, I was effectively able to blot it from my mind, until this past week-end, when I was completing the previous weeks activities, and pre-reading the chapter for the up-coming week, - which as you might guess is in deed (cue the cellos) "Week Four.."

The first thing I noticed, was a sense of a very strong aversion, to this notion! (AKA Resistance) I read her description of the rationale behind the suggested strategy; I further read with some interest her accounts of all the flack she received over the years, teaching the course through in person workshops - when the participants reached this stage of the course. Then I began to have my own "reactions." I don't know her, haven't met her, good chance I never will, and I took an instantaneous disliking to her at this point!!

As it turns out, this work is running parallel with self-exploration work I'm doing through other avenues - one self-directed and lay-person supported, another through professional consultation. In perfect synchronistic fashion - "all paths lead to Rome" (Rome being the thriving kingdom of "O'Neill).. I received a thematic word, from a friend, at the onset of the New Year - the word being "Synthesis.." - this course of action I'm under-going, though perhaps appearing like, a disparate mosaic of unrelated pursuits,  may very will be, the necessary catalyst! (for me - what would I know about what anyone else needs?)

I'm no stranger to self-exploration, healing/recovery focused work - much of which has come dressed in various "spiritual garments." Having said that, it is fascinating to discovery (when it doesn't present like something a kin to a complete nervous "breakdown") that though I am mining the "same guy," there is so much more to be found! My experience is that "Spirituality" has so many faces and some of the most (for me) most powerful transformational/healing opportunities, presented in a rather surprising way. I believe in fact they were so effective in my case - because I didn't see them coming. They came dressed up in something of this current course - like something I had anticipated would be "light" and care-free (which to be sure it does have elements of play and jump-starting the imagination etc.) but had I been pre-aware I was going to encounter - what I am now in the midst of, I would have donated the books to the Thrift store. So this is how God works in my life, rather Ninja-like!

I initially found comfort in the author's reference to this being, in no small way a spiritual pursuit - but I see now, that had to do; with the notion, that I thought I had some familiarity going, like Linus and his blanket for "comfort." Now stripped of that misconception, if I have anything of use, that I have picked up on my path previous to now, is a genuine want; to foster a loving atmosphere, within my self, for me to live in. So I am encountering no shortage of uncomfortable self-confrontation - but I am inspired by the prospect of a "Synthesis" of my entire life's journey, and lovingly seek the truth of my being - beyond the pale, of my defences, wounds, mistaken beliefs and un-loving thoughts and behaviours.

I was genuinely terrified to consider going a week, without reading. Keep in mind, over a period of dozens of years, I have been whittling away the external compulsion/addiction (generated by an inner environment of self-contempt, shame, un-addressed childhood trauma).... so for all intents and purposes I have been of late, walking through the world; on "Bambi-like legs," stripped naked of my go-to strategies; discovering/recovering myself, while considering what the rest of my life, is going to be about (all within the continuing unfolding drama of the "Pandemic," and it's impacts outside of, and within myself - which I see as neither entirely a curse, nor a blessing, it is giving me the time and space to be "cast adrift..." As if the events themselves (- being billed as: "The New Normal..." - which I renounce and will continue to do so, until the day I die - there is nothing "Normal" about any of this - I don't care how relentlessly the media churns out it's narrative... but I do digress)... aren't de-stabilizing enough by themselves; I call in this lot; or maybe the time has arrived in my life, to go through exactly this - when the dust settles, the real Robert J. O'Neill will be asked to stand. The rest is just the backdrop of the stage, the journey is taking place upon.

What the hell was I going to do without reading? Here's the deal, if books were bottles of alcohol, I live in a tavern or brewery. I have bookshelves loaded with books. I often have to clear the seat, on the love seat beside where I sit (of books) for anyone else to be able to sit down. There are stacks of books randomly through out my apartment... Books beside my bed.... books in my bathroom, books in the door of my car.. If I'm out for the day - there are often pounds, of books in my daypack..

There are books of books - i.e. the bible ... there is a book categorized by themes from within the bible and corresponding scriptures. Addiction, trauma, communication, books about Islam... there are poets, and sages - there are prayers and ecstatic streams of conscience, books about ADD, books for ACA, books about buddhist thought. Books written by former addicts on buddhist thought... books comparing buddhist thought for recovering from addiction, versus a path derived from Christian tenets.. books about men's work ... "Who wrote the book of Love?" a quick glance across the room at merely two book shelves, reveals a minimum of four different titles, that contain the word Love - so the answer is, many people have written not the, but a book, about love.. There's the "Course in Miracles" - there's interpretations of the Course in Miracles.. There's books about writing books, there's books written: about using writing to discovery, unleash, transform, heal, transcend.  I have spent time with many of these books.... there have also been innumerable books, that have come and gone, that never got read, or at least not in their entirety. There are books that are in the current collection - I've never opened, other than to read a few passages of while at the bookstore, the neighbourhood free book box, the used bookstore, the thrift shop, Amazon... 

Books have fed me, nourished me, inspired me, challenged me; open my mind to vistas I once dared not even consider - other times, they have offered me a place to hide, they have been the subject of quests and time spent, under the self-deceptive guise, of moving about, purposefully in the world... They have been "another fix -" and symptomatic of someone, that could not see beyond the idea, that he was deeply flawed and broken - so profoundly smashed and defective, that surely the answer lies in - this book, No? Hmm... maybe this one!! - that gave me a clue... I'll follow that thread, but no - still not okay.... fuck!! How about this book then... listen to that author "tell it like it is..." - not only in this book, but dozens of others - so much fame, so much fortune - must be what I need .... At times I have created financial hardship - trying to read, about how it is I'm going to get fixed, get it done and then get rich!! (yes I see the flawed - premise ..... now!)

All this without even yet mentioning .... the blackhole of the internet, "social-media"  - online courses etc. 

I haven't felt this kind of fear for over thirty years (since when I was considering life without drugs and booze or what began, Thank God! an ongoing sobriety)... Still come this current challenge and I discover, there are more dragons to slay, or perhaps just to befriend, and learn to cohabitate with. I don't cotton to this notion, that dragons represent the need to "slay" something (or somebody) - though God knows some of my inner world, has been shaped into an arsenal, of carefully crafted weapons - and my window on the world often then aptly described by the adage: "to a hammer everything looks like a nail..." to one stock-piling weapons of mass-psychological destruction (living life through the spectres of the ongoing need to defend) many a benign comment; or witnessed furrowed brow, is seen as a "declaration of war." How can "Peace, be given a Chance" with all that hostility kept on simmer - just waiting for provocation (real and as often or more, imagined) to declare it - "Game on..." - Fuck, enough already, it's exhausting!!

I don't know where this is going? I don't care much for the fact - I don't know where it's going - but for now I'm willing to be okay with not knowing. (That in itself - makes my skin crawl!! So much at stake when one "doesn't know" - EXCEPT WHEN THERE ISN'T - day in day out, lots of people don't know lots of things and fuck all, happens to them; one way or another they were alright. Who knew... not me - I thought I had to know... to not know is to be unprepared - vulnerable - without fortification - taken by surprise to be ultimately crucified .... I could build a castle out of books and a lifetime of reading has both opened me great insight and, provided a decent vocabulary with which to tear someone to ribbons. Talk about misuse of God given gifts... Hmm, I suppose I just did!!

I'm only just now into "Day 2!" I'm aware, as I move through my day, that my unregulated eyes go about searching for "something to read.." ANYTHING! Maybe it's a bit like beginning meditation and being instructed to "quiet your thoughts," or let them go; and then seemingly, through increased awareness - it appears, as though ones thoughts, have exponentially multiplied, rather than just realizing - that mind, just churns 'em out, non-stop!!

My feelings at present, are "right here," (maybe where they're actually supposed to be) twice today in succession - I was moved to tears; first by my own recognition of my appreciation, for help and support I had received and expressing that; and then telling the same person, I would miss them as we were parting ways.. It occurs to me telling that I account for numbers of quantifiable human feeling and interaction like they are the "exception" rather than a natural way of being) - I feel sadness that so much of my life has been so; though also what an amazing gift to come to know something else... maybe it's like someone that had been previously blind having their sight restored ... I don't know - just imagining - it's a significant shift I can vouch for that!

I'm still not crazy about the term - Reading "Deprivation" - but it's possible, I've assigned it a negative spin and maybe it literally means "without reading" - not, that it implies, this is intended as a form of "Punishment."Again that might be a further delineation of my bias. I guess I'll look it up, after I stayed the course, for now I'll give myself the best I can, possible opportunity, to not go inserting the "thin edge of the wedge" - to consult the dictionary - the next thing you know ... I'll have been reading the damn thing for hours on end!!

I have utilized some of the time created during this "fast" so far - to write one poem, this present blog post, drew a picture - repaired some woollen gloves of mine, found a meaningful wall hanging for my room - free! So it might just be, that the course is beginning to have the stated intended affect.... 

Trust me, I'm not coming out to now, to "vilify" books... it's entirely possible I may write some more myself.. I definitely haven't the intention, to let my first creation, die on the vine. 

There's an enormous "re-org" under-way - it's possible this reaches far beyond, my personal escapades (or at least that's what I was once "reading...") I don't think, there is anything wrong with listening/reading the perspective/experiences of others.. I can say that for me, it becomes problematic, when it becomes so dominant to do so, that ones own voice, is long lost and estranged - and in order to be held in useful proportions - using anything, as an ongoing distraction or means of disassociation, is a slippery slope indeed.

So for now I will continue to ply the waters of "I don't know," - I seek to foster compassion and understanding, for what I didn't know; and I am becoming willing, to accept there exists, infinite volumes of that: which I don't know, I don't know.

R. O'Neill (February 22,  2021)


Sunday 21 February 2021

Last Call


Invited

Via isolation's

Stunning silence

To 

Recall or name

The

Estranged image


Viewed through 

Eyes

Staring back

Through

Limpid pools

Formed in 

The tempest

Of grief's Out-pouring


Was it then

Life, 

Run  completely

And blindly 

Amok?

Protracted failure!


Or 

A perfectly

Executed

Enter 

The Dark Night

Through

Which to issue

Frankly

And without reservation

An

Earnest plea

Of surrender

From knees

Ground

Into the ashes?


Nothing

Remains of

Dress-rehearsals

Angelic robes

Disgarded

To reveal 

Reaper's sickle


The 

Final bluff's

Been issued

And 

Truth

Delivers

The call

To

Reckoning


No

Hero's tale

Can be

Uttered

Through

  Contorted maw

Disfigured

By a

Never-ending

Deception


Look

Once more

Through

Swollen

Tear-stained

Eyes 


Hold still

The voices

Of impersonation


And 

With the last

Utterances

Of breath...


Granted by

The Divine..


Speak

With the 

Voice

Bestowed upon

You..

Before 

It is 

Swallowed

By

and for

Eternity....


R. O'Neill (February 21, 2021)









 

Thursday 18 February 2021

Not Self-Denial .. Rather Self Reclaimed & Pro-claimed

 Yesterday (February 17th) signified the beginning of "Lent" (Ash Wednesday), this of course all being within the "Christian" lens. The marking of the day with Ashes within the church, I gather, signifies the mortality of human existence (ashes to ashes) and the "need" to reconcile one's life with God, in preparation for "the life hereafter.." I also seem to recall the ashes were created, from burned palm fronds from the previous year's Palm Sunday celebration (which signifies the celebratory mood of the faithful followers of Jesus to Jerusalem) which was a short lived celebration, as the crowds would turn on him later that week, and call for his crucifixion (which of course was carried out).

I offer some context as much as I'm aware of the "traditional" meanings (with I'm sure any number of different spins exist, depending on what branch of Christianity one follows) as it is my intention, to observe a practice over the period of time, known as "Lent."

I'm not Christian per se... though I was raised in an Anglican family .... attended elementary school at a Catholic private school (between my being an "outsider" to begin with, and treated as such, and the penchant of the teachers (Nuns) to habituated cruelty, I would have to say, that largely put me off the idea of embracing the ideas, that were said to be at the foundation of "their church.." which thereby impacted my young life experiences, while in their clutches.

I did have some sort of childhood affinity, toward St. Francis and Mother Mary .... they still resonate to this day as "spiritual guides.." (but not as talisman of Catholicism ...) just as they stand within themselves. I also acknowledge there are countless people that find great strength and inspiration through their chosen faith paths and essentially bless the world with their influence.. So "religion" is synonymous with "bad."

So if not Christian, why follow a decidedly sectarian ritual? Well, first of all, I have no intention of framing it in any way to be penitential. I don't see any value in suffering intentionally, or believing I "deserve to."

I acknowledge the value of a "forty day" observation in general. When I did my practice of walking the labyrinth - it became a "40 day journey;" within the journaling about, the arrival at that choice... I mentioned the vague awareness I had, of the number 40, in various biblical stories... "40 days and 40 nights" the rains fell in the story of Noah, (a great flood that also features in the Creation story of other cultures) 40 years the Israelites wandered in the desert, until they were "delivered," to the promised land. From what I understand, the 40 day interval most closely associated with this time of year, was the 40 days and nights, Jesus was said to have gone alone into the desert for prayer, contemplation; and where he was said to have faced temptation by "Satan..." which, may well have been him, subduing his own shadow humanity (in my estimation .... which of course would be where I, would markedly depart, from the orthodox Christian view, that he "had no humanity" that he was God incarnate)...

Anyway that 40 day "rite of passage," set the stage and perhaps transformed him, in whatever ways it would be necessary, for him to face his fate.

I still suppose, there is some form of "incubation" period, in this 40 day marked observance - so while now it aligns with various other practices and personal work I've been doing; I will embrace it as it gives me a measured period of time, over which to enact my intentions. 

If per chance, the unfolding of said intentions, happens to align with any helpful energies, that coincide with anything related to the teachings of Jesus ... so much the better.

On the physical plane, my intention is to abstain from any junk food over this period of time (the benefit being self-explanatory). On a more invisible (as far as outside observation could perceive) my intention is to surrender negative judgement and self-condemnation (as it presents directly toward myself and that which I aim at anyone else). I choose to believe, that this form of judgment toward others, is in fact - nailing myself to the cross, I intend for them. This will also be a concentrated period of self-forgiveness (and forgiveness anywhere it is called for from my past).

As far as I'm concerned, I can follow (to the best of my ability and through my interpretation) the teachings of Jesus (Yeshua). I don't need (nor does anyone - but for them to determine for themselves) someone else, to dictate what he was about, for me. That to me, is what forming a "personal relationship" with Jesus means. It is alive here & now.... not through the dogmatic repetition of rote rituals, that many don't even have the ability or willingness, to even be present for while they sit there. Jesus was with me during those forty days walking the labyrinth (which began 10 yrs ago, this fall) .... he was with me, while I carried out the vision of writing the story of that journey, and bringing a book into being... He was with me, when the writing of the book was interrupted; while I dealt with the passing of both my adopted parents in the same year (2014) and with me, to see me through the completion of that book ... while I was on one of 4 trips to Ireland; exploring my ancestral "roots." The book was finished, launched first on Amazon and then in hard-copy form, while in Ireland. The continued unfolding of my personal healing, took place, while I was following my own soul's guidance; to live and travel, around various parts of Ireland... All of this, including the "self-publishing" of the book and travel, was under-written by money, I inherited from my adopted family .. money that might have seen it's way, to becoming the foundation of my "retirement.." 

I made choices and followed the guidance of my heart then, the same way I am refocusing and realigning with my heart now. I believe the teaching of Jesus, speak directly to my heart. I don't believe this is a "relationship" unique to me... I have no monopoly on it ... It exists to the degree, that I am willing to allow it (that in itself is an ever-unfolding journey). What others believe has no bearing on my journey ... I don't adhere to an expressly Christian viewpoint, as I renounce anything that is formed, in the crucible of exclusion. I believe there are wisdom holders and teachers of all the various spiritual paths.... nobody "owns" any of them.. I believe the power each contains, is exponentially released when shared and combined, with parallel wisdom. I renounce the persecution of anyone, or the oppression, of what they believe (the wisdom they carry).... I have compassion for those, that are still struggling to recover their connection, to the wisdom of their ancestors... (I am just such a being)... make no mistake, though I inhabit the "privilege" of being male and at least appearing to the world as "white," ... the wisdom, practices, connection to life itself, of my ancestors was lost to me - obscured in the muddle of a familial shell game - all within a western world culture, that has no (or very little) "cultural identity;" as so many of "us," are the off-spring of settler colonialists ... that were the off-spring of cultures and histories; of oppression, religious/spiritual persecution and displacement, in other locations on the planet. 

We've all been fed a diet of secular capitalism kool-aid, that was touted as being the "New World" panacea and frankly .... it ain't worth shit!!

I suppose to be fair ... or at least to give a begrudging nod, toward not "throwing out the baby with the bath-water" (i.e. "science," can be seen as having it's place, and does make some useful contributions) however ... as far as I'm concerned, that spirituality and all that is encompasses, having  been practically entirely usurped by science - though perhaps a necessary digression in human development) I most certainly, will not court it on bended knee. Firmly ensconced in the "establishment" (status-quo), I believe can only serve to demonstrate it's clay feet and whereby it should then have both those feet, knocked off its pedestal. It has been this same "establishment," that orchestrates the oppression, persecution and deaths, of all it's detractors throughout history; misguided to say the least, to look to these forces now, as "the second coming..." 

I look back on my childhood "Sunday school" and elementary school teachers, appointed ambassadors of an ideology, that co-opted the name of Jesus... from my adult perspective, shaped and informed by my own spiritual journey;  these people, did not represent, anything remotely related, to the teachings nor the embodiment of, the teacher/rabbi Jesus. They more closely emulated his persecutioners/executioners... I would have been greeted with open arms and unconditional love, by the man Jesus (rather than subject to isolation, corporal punishment, exclusion and humiliation because, I wasn't "one of them..") I don't need this affirmed by anybody ... I lived it, and I know the truth of it. If given the opportunity, I would tell those involved, to their faces - just how misguided, and what a sham, they conducted in their pretence to represent Jesus.

It's ironic to me that those, in their ivory towers within military, corporate, scientific and government circles; that now so many worship, and look to, for salvation; are the very same energies, mindsets, power-hungry, greed driven archetypes, that put Jesus to death... (any wonder why spiritual communities of all ilks, are denied gathering at this time? - it won't spread "the disease" - unless one considers personal empowerment, sovereignty, freedom and autonomy -  a disease!! ... then by all means, it would be necessary, to put a stop to the continuation, of any free-thought and spiritual liberation.

I am heartened (albeit also saddened) that though the messengers, have systematically been destroyed, throughout history .... the messages live on!!

From this history and my healing journey, I arrive here and now, at the place; whereby, I will immerse myself, in a concentrated focus, aimed at receiving forgiveness for myself, through the forgiveness of those that "trespassed against me.." I will seek forgiveness for and from myself, that I took on and embodied, such limited and mistaken beliefs about myself (formed through the influence of the spiritually blind).  I will look to fully embody, a willingness, to forgive those; that as Jesus himself acknowledged: "forgive them father, for they know not what they do..."

I will seek to forgive myself, for the wholesale disempowerment, of myself through acquiescing to self-proclaimed authority, that actually have no power what-so-ever (unless it is freely handed to them).

Will I complete this "vision" of mine within the allotted forty days? I have no preconceived idea, of the form the outcome will take... I expect and will exercise faith, that transformation can and will occur.

Between now and then, I will continue to wrestle with the man in the mirror, with whom, I intend to offer a far more welcoming and loving co-existence; far less adulterated by the opinions, mandates, agendas, and dogmas of others.

Peace out!


R. O'Neill (February 18, 2021)

Monday 8 February 2021

Fiddler Calls the Tune


How 

Hollow and desolate

Rings

The 

Fathomless abyss

Of

The unfulfilled

Soul..


A

Lifetime

Spent scaling

A ladder

Placed upon

The

Wrong wall...


Looked

To 

Authority

With

No heart 

To see


Acquiescing

Blindly 

To

Misguided values

Drawn to

Illusory rewards

And

One day 

Was 

Torn 

From a

Delusional slumber

Wondering

How 

Could be

So utterly

Lost


Dream 

Another dream?


Dare thou

Set sail

Newly

With 

Such scant

Time

Remaining?


Do you 

Really believe

Your vessel

Worthy?


Or

Might well

It be 

Dashed 

Upon the 

Rocks

And 

Forever lost

In the 

Sea

Of

Faceless losses 

and 

Torrents of grief?


Will you 

Listen

Now?


NO...

Really listen!!


Whom

Will you

Recognize 

As 

The guiding light?


Upon what 

Authority

And

From whom

Shall you

Seek?


Listen deeply

And 

Choose wisely

Longevity

Might well

Be distinctly

Unaffected...


However

"Quality of life"

Might just

Depend

On it!



R. O'Neill (February 08, 2021)









Thursday 7 January 2021

Lead Us Away From (Pseudo) Righteousness

 Hidden within

The illusory omnipotence

Of a technological

Bastion

Shame & fear-filled

Warriors

Battle

For nano-second

Scraps

of

Immortality


They hack & slash

To leave

In their wake

Collateral damage

In the form

Of characters

Assassinated

Row upon row


Theirs

To hear it 

Told

Is the path

of

Righteousness

They 

Proclaim

In them

"We" have

Humanity's champions


Altruism & selfless concern

Their 

Battle cry

Their science

The Truth & the Way

(Only their science)

They will claim

To be your saviour

And crucify you

In 

The same breath

If

You dare speak

Contrary to 

Their dogmatic

Idolatry


Theirs

A selective

And perverse

Variety 

of

"Compassion"


God 

Wrap them

In the 

Mantle

of

Your

Love & Peace


How many

Must

Anguish

Suffer

&

Die

To 

Appease

The insatiable

Fear

Of 

The 

Self proclaimed 

Paragons

of

Virtue?


R. O'Neill (January 07, 2021)

Tuesday 5 January 2021

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Man's Self-Loathing

 Woeful

Is life's

Walk

For the 

Man

Who 

Balks

At denying

Himself

The 

Childhood 

He never

Had


Don't speak

Of

World view

Steeped 

In self-pity

Or

A victim's

Lament


Injustice

Neglect

Abuse

Need be

Rightly affirmed

Voices

Paralyzed

And

Exiled

Must be 

Liberated


Pain excised

Self-destructive

Rage

Brought 

Safely

To light

Where 

Unmet 

Needs

Can be 

Acknowledged

Energy redirected


Love's

Transformative

Grief

Must freely

Be allowed

To 

Unfold

Through 

It's cyclic 

Seasons


An 

End to

Blame

Shame

Guilt

 

But 


A travesty

Most profound

Is 

Committed 

When 

Journey

To 

Reveal

Completeness 

Is

By-passed


The 

Child

That isn't

Afforded

That 

Subsequent 

Opportunity 

To 

Be assured

Of

His

Worth

Cherished

As 

Life itself


Wholly 

Completely

Welcomed

Inclusively

Home


Is

Destined

To 

Wander

The earth

Among

The walking

Wounded

Believing

There

Are 

Only

Two choices

Attack 

or 

Be attacked


He 

Need not

Wonder

If 

There exists

A Hell

For 

He 

Has never

Seen

Beyond

It's 

Horizon


R. O'Neill (January 05, 2021)