The other day I posted on "social media" the selection from a daily reader that focused on the theme of care of, and love toward, the body. As is ever increasingly my frame of reference, what I post neither implies, I have mastery, nor that the "reader" should, adopt it in its entirety.
Like many other facets of life, I have experience occupying various "positions" upon any given spectrum. In the case of care for the body, I know aspects of profound neglect, I have realized degrees of functional and general wellness "improvement," and I have over indulged; and taken my body to extremes (ironically, in the name of "wellness.")
I don't insist I know what's best for anyone. But I certainly can tell you what works for me! (except when I can't) I suppose without plying the waters of "extremes," I might not have come to have a greater sense, of where the "sweet spot" is, for me and my body.
When I say I have pushed to "extremes," those are still relative terms, directly related to my body. There are things I see people doing in video on facebook, that while I marvel at what the human body is capable of (guided of course with commitment, discipline etc.) my body will not be performing such feats!! I have no interest in taking on that which would be necessary to train in those ways. The only way I will ever be seen doing anything a kin, to some of those acrobatic type moves, will be if I've fallen down some stairs or something. Having said that a body that is more "fit," including flexibility - won't necessarily come out un-scathed in the event of an unexpected twist of fate (and spine) but it might well lessen the injury.
I was on a trajectory to increase, to some extent, my functional "flexibility...." - it's now over one year that every morning, I pay some attention to this and there has been progress made. What had become pretty much daily low-back pain, was all but gone. Even still, I don't merit the nickname "Gumby.' There are some areas of internal immobility that have been presented for me since birth... I actually don't know what is achievable now, some sixty years hence. I find it fascinating to consider now, such things as "held-trauma," intention, even a new awareness of something as simple yet the profound efficacy of the breath... Anyway, it has truly been a delight to enjoy a window of tpainfree movement..
That was until last weekend, when I attended a Nei Gong workshop which I had registered for a few months previous. I could see as the day unfolded, that even some of the "warm-up" exercises, could well be the end of me. I truly tried to perform, some form of variation, that was given the okay from my body. I released concern for the performance and flexibility of my co-participants. At least I wasn't trying to force my body into the positions they assumed...
I completed the two days.... and undoubtedly felt as though I had physically challenged myself but also, was both happy to have been able to participate "fully" and, not "hurt" myself. (so I thought)...
Perhaps it's worth mentioning, I was by a significant margin, the "oldest" in the room... which in some contexts wouldn't matter... (i.e. in cultures where these sort of practices are more "mainstream" I gather, many "seniors" can be seen, continuing their training on a daily basis. In my case, it might have been a talisman that, in the realm of such practice.... a little is a "lot..." And my idea, of taking it easy, had nothing to do with the consequences.
The group went together on the second day, to a nearby restaurant for our lunch break. The food was good... the sense of connection felt good & being "part of something" (albeit temporarily) was satisfying. I had been leaning forward in my chair, to focus my attention on some of the elements of the lunch conversation.... I went to sit back in my chair; & one side of my low back, went into spasm, the pain caught in my throat, just short of audible expression. (a life long practice of "suffering in silence...." though yielding in some areas of my life - carried through, no one allowed to realize, I was at least in that moment, in significant pain)...
Our meal continued, I "played" with my positioning, finding a position that supported my low back and enabled the muscles to "relax."
Standing duplicated the spasm, but only in a small range of motion until I was entirely upright. I reasoned that once full erect, along with a little motion and I'd been fine. We returned to the venue, and resumed the afternoon's training sequences... Again it was challenging, some of the stretching (picture deep yoga, martial arts, dance postures) were out of the question, the existing tension in my muscles and joints simply said, "forget about it.." (never mind the newly current acute muscle responses)...
We completed the afternoon and the workshop, and I went home. I soaked in a hot tub that evening, with mineral salts etc. Went to bed, fairly early and slept well. The next day, not only the region of my back (left lower) that was uncomfortable the day before was noticeable - the mirror opposite on the right side was now painful enough, it completely took my mind, of the left side!
As I write this it is one week later... and I'm still not "out of the woods." Through the week I have implemented some rest, (though prolonged sitting definitely isn't the answer) some gentle movement, - walking, visits to the hot tub, I even remembered, that in a drawer somewhere, I had from an impulse purchase years ago from a late night infomercial; one of those, "Dr. Ho" devices. I have been applying that intermittently... say what you will about the man or his marketing... but that machine actually is giving me relief, following an application. It all appears to be moving in a positive direction, the discomfort level is decreasing, I'm also aware of movement (joints, "popping," along my rib cage, low back and pelvis particularly on the more painful side)none of which was "available: previously .... That side was squashed when I was sixteen years old; when I (the driver), rolled a Toyota Corolla completely over, and the roof crushed down on my right side.... I'm sure there has been physiological bracing and compensation over the years along with a nervous system that became "trained" this is the new "Normal." I imagine, there's a very good change I stretched some of that out again.... The practice itself is all about moving internal energy... who knows what might have been going on at that level.... I certainly have heard, that where releasing trauma is concerned, it is not unusual to "re-experience" the pain as it is being released..." Of course there is (in my case) bound to be an element of "too much ... too soon" as well - which in my defence, I might not have been able to determine, except in painful hindsight.
It is experiencing things such as this, that I am further humbled, with respect to any notion, of what someone else needs, with respect to their wellness. I have aspirations in that direction, but I simply will not be a representation of "I know what's best...". Here I have just described, an experience, where I didn't really even know what was "best" for me.... I know complete inactivity to be counter-productive..... going over-board in compensation - less than ideal too!
As I said I have taken many things to extremes ... what I discovered in that for myself; was that I was still operating from a "more is better," "I'm no good where I'm at," "when I can do........., I'll be "better," okay, loveable .etc.... None of these, have proved to be helpful places from which to direct my "wellness."... Everything I did, was hijacked by some part of me, that never saw me as being okay, and in some cases, became the vehicle through which, I delivered self-punishment....
It has been part of my process to reveal this to myself.
There was to be a drop in group practice (yesterday), of some of what we learned last week; I elected to pass. My body is telling me, currently, I wouldn't be able to effectively look after myself in a 1hr. practice session (given I don't really even know exactly what it was I did, to spark off all this discomfort).... As I'm writing this .... I'm sitting in a coffee shop. I just got up, walked around - did some light stretching and deep breathing into all the "painful, restricted areas." A row of vertebrae and ribs all fired off like cracking knuckles, and my back feels at ease and relaxed again. No forced movement, no straining.... just a listening in, "you've been sitting at that table writing .... long enough! get up and move!" People look up from their laptops, cross-word puzzles etc. as I go through the "motions..."
Am I looking for attention? No! Will I deny myself self-care, because it will draw attention to me? Not this time anyway!!
Maybe self-care speaks louder than one might realize. I don't need to arrive "somewhere" in order to be okay - or to walk my talk.
Though one of my chosen facets of self-care, with respect to physical wellness is "flexibility," the way to achieve that, is not through a rigid, dogmatic approach; whereby I drive myself, with unrelenting expectations and demands; that not only won't achieve flexibility, they may result in injury. In this example ... flexibility as a vision, calls for an approach, of flexibility. Yes there is a place for continuity, consistency and the "discipline," to adhere to a particular focus. Still, I don't know about anybody else's body, but mine must be, considered an active participant and consultant with regard to how to show up! It cannot or will not (without repercussions), be held hostage to a demanding regimen, that speaks of well-being, but delivers and expects quite the contrary!!
R. O'Neill (January 19, 2020)
