I find myself (rather suddenly) in what might be described as a rite
of passage - while away for 3 months both parents were hospitalized my
mother passed and my father has now been admitted to extended care with
dementia. I now find myself participating in the preparation of their
home (the house I grew up in) to be sold. I see this as a sacred
undertaking - ripe with opportunity for healing and transformation and
therefore I am walking through this process with honouring and
reverence.
I resume the crafting of this blog post
after returning to what previously was two pages, reduced now to the
opening paragraph. I specifically remember "saving" more than once,
however, I must admit I don't know all the intricacies of this an online
medium. So after wrestling with indignation over my lost work and
ushering a reluctant peace with the unlikelihood of reproducing the
previous content - I am left with the conclusion that perhaps the
Universe was calling for a rewrite and the synchronicity of the need to
let go of outcome, embrace again and more deeply impermanence perhaps
can be no better demonstrated to me than to experience losing all the
previously written material discussing aspects of that very thing.
I
have asked to be the vessel through which creation itself flows and
expresses - as this journey continues I am reckoning with that part or
parts of myself that stand in the way: of "being written." Those
attention seeking, accolade yearning, won't you please notice me and
tell me of my greatness aspects that can mold what is written and become
more about image management than truth. What if I were to just be
greatness and express as though it was true, as though greatness and I
were one and the same. I can tell you in this very moment I am moved to
tears with the even brief embodiment of this. It's as though some part
of me is over the moon with jubilation - exalting "I wondered when it
would be that you would decide to allow yourself to be seen, first and
foremost to yourself and then to express the unadulterated truth that is
you."
I can say that I have a general sense that my
writing will profoundly change. Gone would be the underlying approval
seeking that feeds the drive to be entertaining. The self satisfaction
of mental gymnastics could then be replaced with directness and
authenticity. Self-censoring and an over-zealous concern for political
correctness will give way to allowing what is coming through my heart, a
voice.
Back now then, to the rite of passage which
lies directly in front of me. The first time I walked into my family
home it already began for me to have an otherness about it. Everything
was as it would be had my parents just gone "out" for the afternoon,
there was however already a disembodied presence about it. What had been
my home was already undergoing the transformation into "a house." My
eyes swept the front room and came to rest upon the chair which was
where my mom regularly sat when she wasn't in the kitchen. The chair was
still adorned with the crocheted throw rug, folded over the arm was a
blanket that she increasingly relied upon for warmth as her declining
health insisted on escalating inactivity. The chair was a daunting
presence in it's emptiness - I was overcome with emotion as the
permanence began to take up residence within me, rather than just visit.
As I said I was out of town during her passing. I actually spoke to her
on the phone on the day that she made her transition. I did my utmost
to say everything that had been left unsaid. Gone were my life long
stories I am grateful for some rare emotional honesty in my relating to
her and being afforded this last "conversation." I didn't know at the
time she would pass hours later, but at the same time recognized the
absoluteness held within the statement, "if not now - when?"
Still
the emptiness of the chair, coupled with the absence of my dad - now
residing in an extended care facility, admitted with the onset of
dementia, drove home the stark reality that I knew so very little about
both my parents as people and I was now likely to know very little more.
What a stew of emotions presenting, grateful for the healing work I
have undertaken, the truth and reconciliation process involving my
family, while at the same time grief for the present loss, unexpressed
regret and remorse for years spent in disconnect. Though I never
considered the idea that I would assume "ownership" of this house - I
never really considered the impact of no longer having access. I have
never left Victoria as a place of residence and visited this house quite
frequently - nothing thus far had animated the energies and memories of
all the years spent living there like now being there alone with all of
it.
I began the process of preparing the house to be
listed by attending to the yard. I had taken on the care of the garden
beds and lawns the year previous - so what was required was a
post-winter cleanup. The yard and gardens were once kept pristine. The
once large vegetable garden had been seeded and had become lawn.
Evidence of my dad's increasing needs for order and ease had the
perimeter garden beds covered with landscaping paper and white
"ornamental rock" regular spaced concrete slabs then displayed potted
plants. Nature was in the process of reclaiming these attempts at
control and repression - numerous large weeds were now growing right
through the landscaping paper. I reflected on the futility of trying to
claim dominion over nature and felt for myself some sense of ease as I
knew that finally this year - the weeds and unwanted growth would not be
subject to the frontal attack of my dad "the round-up terminator."
Equally futile was my trying to impress upon him the toxicity of the
products he so freely welcomed in his arsenal.
I knelt
below the imposing presence of the massive Garry Oak tree that is on
their front lawn. It wasn't long ago that my dad showed me an old
picture of the property about the time they first purchased it - fifty
odd years ago, the tree was a virtual sapling at that time. During my
youth I spent many hours perched high in the canopy of that tree which
was roughly the height of the lower hydro lines. Still from that vantage
point I felt as though I could see the entire world, the tree was a
companion to me, most certainly a place of refuge. It now towered over
the highest wires and filled the yard. There was no love loss between my
dad and that tree - he hated it! He tried unsuccessfully to get the
municipality to cut it down. Every year he would lament the workload
"it" created - particularly in autumn when then leaves and acorns fell
and high winds littered the front lawn and with twigs and debris from
the tree. Eventually the combination of his decreased stamina and
increased angst toward the municipality and "their tree" his battle cry
became "the hell with them - it's on municipal property let them come
and clean up after it."
Meanwhile I'm on my knees which
is frequently the case with gardening, I realized that allows for
frequent and ongoing prayers which seemed to me to be a necessary
inclusion in my process and a right and true reflection of my
relationship to nature. From that vantage point I could feel deeply my
connection to nature and see all around me, in and through me, life
expressing. I know very little about astrology I do know my birth sign
to be Virgo and earth sign, I certainly can vouch for it being deeply
"grounding" upon my knees upon the ground. The embrace of the great
earth mother was palpable as I freely allowed my emotions to present
themselves. In no particular order there was shock, awe, grief/loss,
regret, gratitude, rage, bewilderment, fear, freedom, hope and
curiosity. It was deeply moving and fully engaging this working with the
land - there were moments of joy and satisfaction, it was very
fulfilling to be of service, to care and nurture the earth and in doing
so seemingly receiving the same nurturing for myself.
It
is a fairly recent awareness for me to come to know of my "Celtic"
ancestry, though only vague in scope I am aware that oak trees hold a
place of reverence and prominence in the "old teachings" of my ancestry -
so as a child I seemingly knew of this kinship without "knowing." It
occurred to me that it was an honour to be of service to the tree - I
spoke directly to the tree and asked that it impart on me the wisdom it
embodies. I was reminded that nature cares not about manicured lawns -
which of course were introduced well after the tree had been
established. Though seemingly alone, this tree was in fact connected to
others of it's kind located in yards up the block. These remaining
sentinels held the history of a Garry oak meadow that was encroached
upon to become this subdivision. Nature had no quarrel with humans -
though humans have spent and continue to spend excessive energy
attempting to demonstrate their superiority.
I will say
that as my connection and reverence for nature have become awakened I
have found the portal through which I can gain relief from the incessant
illusion and mistaken belief that I am disconnected. Nature has
demonstrated for me my true nature where that is concerned - we are
indeed one. I felt the truth of this as I knelt below the mighty oak -
my heart swelled with gratitude and my emotions now conveyed and
produced tears of joy as I felt held and comforted in my aloneness,
sadness and loss.
While still on my knees and cleaning
out a small garden bed containing an azalea beginning to bloom I
discovered a small oak tree which had begun to grow from one of the
fallen acorns. I knew instantaneously that I was being gifted with a
direct ancestor from the tree of my youth. I carefully dug around it in
order to preserve all of it's life sustaining roots and transplanted it
into a pot. The small tree is now on the balcony of my condo and has
grown already. I will allow it to teach me how to best continue to
nurture it, I will remain open to it's teachings while it's in my
company and feel confident I will know when the time comes what the
future holds for this young tree. Not much thought went into the
collection and transplanting of this small tree - the "idea" was
immediate and I followed through without question. This relationship
represents that which I have felt has been missing for me most of my
life a connection with and knowing of my ancestry. It occurs to me that
though I may have had know intellectual knowledge of this heritage life
itself and the powers present in this heritage have pushed and pulled
throughout my life in order that we meet face to face when the time was
right. "Children of the oak" the idea has presented to me since bring
the young tree home or perhaps more accurately the young tree is
bringing me home. I don't know what that phrase means, since it's
arrival I swim in delight as I consider the possibility that it calls to
me with a resonance eons old. Perhaps it means nothing to anyone else,
that doesn't actually matter, it's not a phrase that has been part of my
consciousness previously and yet now it presents. Could be that it
might have meaning to me and me only - thank you to the unseen yet every
present creative intelligence that has shown up in my life to impress
upon me something new or old, either way, new to me. What is the place
in a "modern world" for the teaching of "old" are they lost for ever due
to not being written down? I suggest much that has been deemed progress
is largely only on one plane of existence and while not entirely
inherently bad, a myopic framework cannot possibly consider the "whole."
Nature constantly demonstrates the very "nature" of symbiotic
relationships - though humans innately are subject to the same laws of
homeostasis they are consistently ignored - though they are the very
nature of our existence. These are not laws imbued with human egoic
qualities such as "justice" read vengeance, self-righteousness,
capriciousness, punitive or petty still ignoring them does invite a
equalizing response that is the very nature of the law it does so
without judgment - plain and simple it is just the law being what the
law is. I believe nature continually reflects this - humans can embrace
it and align with it or choose to ignore it neither denies or affirms
it's existence nor will it be "overcome." It can't be selectively
applied or interacted with, any more than to fully embrace an eagle is
to be awestruck by the magnificence of it in flight and yet the
perception of "cruelty" when witnessing the raw power and efficiency
with which it kills it's prey, carries it off and devours it, as an
rationalization to eradicate them. This is the full expression of nature
through the unique representation of an eagle being completely what an
eagle is. My judgment is not going to change that nor am I (nor
thousands of my kind) going to change the laws of nature but just as if I
could get close enough to an eagle to stick my finger in its face I
could likely expect a nasty bite, perhaps the loss of finger so I suspect is the predictability of a tangible result in response to a more widespread ignoring of natures laws.
So
think the "old" ways aren't about ignoring technical advancement but
they would include a more mindful approach which considers the entire
web of life versus arbitrary acceptable levels of collateral damage as
long as financial gain can be demonstrated. I believe strongly they
absolutely have relevance right now - I also don't believe they should
have been abandoned entirely nor are they lost entirely because they
weren't written down. They have seemingly been "lost" because they
principals were no longer seen as a priority so the listening was
abandoned. The "source" of the teaching is still alive and well, it's a
bit like doing what is necessary to pick up the radio or cell phone
signals, those frequencies are bouncing around out there all the time,
but without the correct receiver there is no reception. It is not
necessary to resume all cultural practices of ancient peoples but nor is
it prudent to throw the baby out with the bath water and presume
economic considerations will exclusively address the needs of the web of
life - which includes us and that everything they knew and lived was
backward and outdated.
I believe that my personal story and
journey is about "clearing the channels" to become a better listener.
It's about examining my relationships comprehensively and honestly,
those with God, self and others. All my relationships can be reduced to
how I relate to and within myself. Therefore this rite of passage
involving my family is of paramount importance. It's no longer about
blame, it's about taking full responsibility for how I carry myself in
the world, the beliefs I hold, conscious and unconscious were first
created by me in relationship to my family, nonetheless I created them -
how I relate to the world and the people and all of life then, are
projections of those beliefs.
There is so much
"external static" and distraction that it can be very challenging to
listen to what life is trying to say. It is further challenging to
discern through the interference what is external & what is
installed in me, the receiver. I believe nature/life itself provides the
mechanism through which we each can tune in more clearly and once we
reach and familiarize ourselves with our personal frequency - the
hardware is installed, my current journey is about creating optimal
conditions within for listening so that distortions no longer continue. I
am grateful that my life teachers are infinitely wise and
unconditionally loving - thankful today that conditions came about in my
life that helped me recognize my own blindness. As the fog lifts I
don't claim a constant state of humility but I am constantly humbled by
the vast array of teachers that are right there once I can say "I don't
know can you please show me?"
