Freedom - "Just Another Word.....?"

 If you are at all like me, and your "spiritual" exploration/development, personal growth/healing has involved the trolling of bookshelves that bring those matters in print to your attention, then you've heard of Robin Sharma (a.k.a - "The Monk That Sold His Ferrari...")

Over the last 5 years I have been the owner and rider of a 2002 Harley Davidson Softtail Nighttrain motorcycle (which I was informed earlier today, sold at an auction). It was a journey of its own last week when half-way through my one week up-island vacation, I rode back to town on the bus (an approx. 2hr trip) to pick up the motorcycle and ride it back more or less the same distance, the same day - in order to place it in the hands of the auction house for this weekend's auction.

I was reminded of Sharma's book, by this personal saga of my own. I have indeed written a book, I also now have just let go of what for some, would be a coveted material possession. Though that would be where the similarities between Sharma and I end (as far as I know) - though the last picture I saw of him illustrated we both have parted with our hair (me 15+ years ago, as my hair began parting me, rather than me it.... I wouldn't know when, where, how or why Sharma made his "hairstyle choice.")

Am I a "Monk" before, during or after my sojourn with the motorcycle? I make no such claim. I also didn't nor don't claim to have been a "biker" by virtue of having owned the motorcycle. I have tattoos and piercings (many of which I had before owning the motorcycle). Needless to say, human inclination to over -simplify and categorize would have different people create different stories, based on observing the afore mentioned choices.

If anything media and politically driven pigeon-holing and derisive/divisive labeling has only worsened over the last few years - so the "boxes" that are available to further subdivide and label one have expanded exponentially. And maybe never, has there been a time when it is more important that one "know thyself!"

I feel a great sense of relief the motorcycle is gone now. The novelty was wearing thin. I satisfied my desire and curiosity to "own" a Harley. But as time advanced, I was less willing to have my day to day life centre around this rather pricey mode of transportation (albeit purchased used). I never "identified" with it, though I admittedly got a little kick out of it from time to time when someone complemented the bike. That said, as is true of anything externally located, the impact on one's inner reality was/is, fleeting at best.

I listed the bike at the end of last summer (not in hindsight, the time to move a motorcycle) perhaps reflective of my indecisiveness at the time with no true resolve to get it gone. As I pondered it's confined occupation in part of my parking spot - the concern for the need to ensure it's appropriate maintenance, additional cost to insure it (if I chose to ride it) and time out of my life to just ride it, for the sake of riding it; it became more clear that I was done with it. 

So the relief I feel now, is the removal of the psychic weight of "owning" this bike. I truly hope whomever bought it, will ride it into the ground (by which I mean thoroughly enjoy it - I don't wish them or the bike any ill will).

Does this mean that I embrace the "you will own nothing and be happy..." credo of the World Economic Forum? No it does not!! I don't believe for a minute that any of the agenda of those self-appointed/declared, "elites" in any way, serves me or humanity as a whole; (unless it could be considered, that the gravity of their visions, for enslaving the world, are enough to shake people from their collective doldrums and to stand for the world they want to see). I don't even acknowledge them to be "elite." They certainly have more money than many, (including me) can even conceptualize - still I believe that the value of each individual member of humanity,  ought not be quantified in terms of dollar value. Therefore their vast wealth, makes them no more important than anyone else, they simply have more money.

The difference is, I liberated myself, from this motorcycle (just as I freely chose to buy it) the choice was not forced on me, the motorcycle was not taken from me. Even with their vast wealth, they are not satisfied, they want complete control of the world, it's resources and the people that occupy it. Follow the money for yourself, you could simply start by considering all the bailouts and money directed at MSM (which is your money by the way, money that is being increasingly picked from your pocket in the form of continual tax hikes and government driven inflation). How likely are "journalists" etc. to ask government   the tough questions, to subject them and their policies to critical thinking?  Why is it instead of any questions or commentary that scrutinize government policies, members of the media simple parrot government talking points which accentuate a very myopic narrative? Many new broadcasts in North America are sponsored by major corporations - with the evening news team then bite the hand that feeds them and do any actual "investigative reporting?"

Ask yourself whether you feel any safer these days -  career politicians, corporate CEO's and billionaire would be philanthropists, are continually haranguing across all forms of media platforms, that they know best - some literally claim "to be the science.." everyone should unquestioningly, follow their instructions as they know (and care for) what is best for the rest of us?

The government looks after their own interests - CEO's will always do what is necessary to benefit and be accountable to, the shareholders. The government promised to keep a cap on deficit spending and then blamed the current financial situation (first on "Covid" despite one of their own announcing that billions of dollars of that deficit where already spent before word one was spoken about Covid) then it's world events responsible for inflation. The government and it's policies are destroying the economy - taxes upon taxes (where is this "plan" to combat climate change?) There is no plan. The bank of Canada mandated only to keep a handle on interests rates have raised them more times in the last couple years than health "authorities" flip-flopped on the efficacy of masks!! Interest rates are being hiked to off-set out of control deficit spending - taxes are continually raised to off-set irresponsible government spending directing the burden on the citizens of the country.

We are being gas-lit (continuously) - you can't even go to bed one night and get up the next day and have words and phrases from the English language still mean the same thing.

When did it become a crime to think for one's self? The same people that claim to be defenders of democracy are defaming and cancelling anyone that questions or criticizes their policies. I tell you what - turn off that idiot box "Smart T.V." (it is doing nothing but dumbing down the population) if you look out your window - or witness something at work or in your community that causes you to stop in your tracks (deep in your gut knowing full-well this is "off!!" Do not run to your local (or national media source) to have them authenticate what you know to be true (or at least suspect). Don't let anyone tell you a pile of shit is a bouquet of roses!!

There is nobody (repeat nobody!!!!) to whom you should sign over your well-being to!! 

The Hopi's were right..... "We are the ones we were waiting for." 

It's time then to suit up and show up and collectively decide what kind of world we want to live in - otherwise, there are clearly those, that are only too prepared, to shape the world according to their vision!!

We've all seen glimpses of what that might entail - which was more than enough!! Freedom to choose is priceless. A great many freedoms have been surrendered (willingly), doubtful they will be restored. No tax implemented, is every removed, freedoms lost will not be regained, except at great cost.

I suppose a cross-road of grand magnitude now presents, once again including freedom to choose.

I would suggest one need choose mindfully - there is so much to be gained & everything to lose!

Rob O'Neill (July 29, 2023)

A Bite More Than I Could Chew (Another bite turns to Dust)

 In less than a week's time I have returned to the blank page, endeavouring to not so much resurrect the fallen writer I once was, but rather; to sift through the malaise of the last couple years and write with the voice of that this journey has defined and prepared it's release. I'm not attempting to amass statistics reflecting number of views, not looking to assemble a "readership." I wouldn't know what to do with a readership if one were to appear.

When this "blogging" began, perhaps 8 years ago, I've lost track; I had no idea anyone could, or would read my content. Then I discovered, quite by accident, the "back office" and learned in fact there were a growing number of people reading... I put some time and energy into trying to grow these numbers - both for the blog and a book that I eventually wrote. At this time, I need to write for the sake of writing. Writing will be, the end and the means. If history repeats itself, the act of writing will open some doors and close others. At some level the act of writing feeds me. I will let that be inspiration for now - to serve the urge to write. If it so happens that this pursuit produces content that touches, moves or inspires others; well, wouldn't that be wonderful?

A recent experience inspires me and/or restores my faith in the good forces at work in the universe. A couple weeks or so ago, I went to a local market on my coffee break. Along with a wrap I bought for lunch, I bought a cookie that was discounted due to be close to, or past it's best before date. Hey, I like a bargain as much as the next guy. When I proceeded to eat said cookie, I realized it was pretty hard. One would expect some dryness etc. from an a stale cookie, but this was really hard. Anyway, I was going to make the best of it. It didn't taste half-bad once some bites could be broken off. Still, maybe this spoke more about me "Jones-ing" for a cookie than any benefit from the cookie.

I was chewing on a piece that I managed to bite off, when I bit into something hard and "crunchy." At that point I suspected that despite the texture of this aging baked goods, there was nothing in the cookie that would crunch like that!! I spit out a couple of these hard chunks - that simultaneously I recognized and with a swipe of my tongue over my front teeth, recognized as pieces of my dental bridge!

The prevailing wisdom that followed was, well my bridge is broken (or at least the veneer of one tooth is) nothing I can do about it now, I might as well finish the cookie.

I got back to the job site and showed my co-workers what had occurred. This bought me some additional time to contact the dentist's office and see about an appt. They had an appt. that afternoon near the end of their day (which meant I needed to leave work early). They were sure, even if the bridge was repairable, that it would happen then and there. So I went in on the premise that this was to be an assessment.

The dentist was more than an hour behind getting to me - I guess he must have abandoned the idea he was finishing "at 4 p.m. (my scheduled time was 3:30pm - which I was early for).

He came in had a look and indicated that the only way to make an "effective" repair would be to replace the entire bridge (though he then conceded that, this bridge being itself, over 40 years old and himself doing a repair on it 5 or 6 years ago, was withstanding the test of time). I indicated that there's no way I can afford a new bridge - "let's set our sights on fixing this one!" He proceeded to do just that. I was pleasantly surprised to be having it attended to sooner than later, now I wouldn't need another appointment!

As one might guess, this was a costly turn of events, the cost of the repair was $375.00! I didn't have the money in my checking account - so for the time being I put the whole thing on my credit card. I had mixed feeling about that. I was grateful to have credit enough to cover the emergency repair - but I had been for sometime previous to this situation, diligently working on (now here I will say) resurrecting my financial status; part of which involved paying off my credit card. Now, I had a sizeable balance - again!!

I considered the situation for a time, and decided to take the money from an account I had been accumulating for the purposes of taxes next year and pay off the balance. I reasoned I could resume savings while at the same time would not be accruing interest on a credit card balance.

I then decided I was going to contact the store and see if there was anything they would be willing to do to compensate me. I was given a number of their head office - so I recounted the story once again. I was asked to submit to them a copy of the repair invoice and I included the receipt from the store that showed my purchase of the cookie (and wrap) to collaborate my story. I was informed that she would be in touch with their insurance people and get back to me. When she contacted me again - I was told that they would give me a gift card for their store for the equivalent of the repair bill and the grocery purchase, the combined total being nearly $400.00

I was happy that this unfortunate incident - which I had initially thought was going to plunge me deeper into a further financial abyss, had taken a rather unexpected turn for the better.

I had no idea of the significance of that gift card with respect to what the near future had in store. Two weeks before Christmas we were hit with a winter storm that dumped a couple feet of snow - the work week that was to follow was entirely lost and the week between Christmas and New Years, we were already scheduled to be off. Next my employer contacted us all and offered to switch our time off to the week lost to the snow storm and we could work some or all of the week that was originally going to be our Christmas break - by that time the snow had melted.

So as it happens I will have three days of unexpected work, I have been judiciously saving money from the previous cheque, there may be something in the way of "stat" pay included in this coming pay day and I have almost $400.00 on a gift card for groceries (which arrived via the mail today)!

I couldn't have imagined any of this would happen nor the way it unfolded. I might add, I made it a point to speak up regarding all that occurred to each of the various players I needed to interact with next. I did not however come in with "both pistols blazing," I simply shared the facts, and invited the parties involved to suggest what might be possible, from there I let go of expectations of outcome.

After what has now spanned years, of political, corporate, and media deceit, deception, coercion and manipulation (with a complete lack of accountability from any of them) - this recent incident and outcome, as I alluded to earlier was refreshing and restorative.

There is good in the world - for this I am grateful!

R. O'Neill December 29. 2022

Back - For Better or Worse

 As the year bumps and grinds to its finale, from the personal maelstrom of existential quandary, uncertainty, apathy, resoluteness, and now perhaps a decision - I'm called to my long "lost" blog. I don't know whether to apologize to those that have followed in the past or to myself for this longstanding absenteeism. No longer a patron of Facebook which I was recently inspired to deem Zuckerberg's universe of deception; I will no longer be able to draw attention to new posts through that medium.

 I'm not sure that the readership that I once had, entirely came via that portal anyway. More than ever, I wish my musing, rants, missives, anecdotes, prose and poetry to reflect truth - therefore; as far as I'm concerned, most all the "social media" platforms are incongruent with truth. I won't know, whether indeed this blog platform will prove to be problematic - I may well seek alternative media sources for my personal writing and potentially submission recipients in the New Year; whether I experience censorship on this site or not.

If the blog does find its way to previous or new readership I will endeavour to communicate location changes when and if applicable and as I am able. What has not changed, is my fairly minimal acquaintance with navigating the online world. The way things seem to be going these days, is people are shutdown, censored etc. abruptly, so it might then follow I'm throttled before I can communicate anything. Equally true, my "status" as a pretty small fish, may well mean that my "sphere of influence" might be viewed as equally minuscule thereby evading the watchful eyes of "fact-checkers" and censors.

As I sit in neighbourhood cafe and look over top of my laptop screen four images catch my gaze; they include another local artists rendition (oil paintings) of four more artists of note: Jim Morrison, Marilyn Monroe, Paul McCartney, and Elvis - three of four passed over, though their lives have left a lasting impact. If I ever had some concern for that sort of "immortality" or legacy, I believe it is markedly subdued, if present at all. My impression of these four is that they at least artistically expressed themselves authentically. I don't actually know how much they "played to the audience," or media moguls etc. Even if, or despite that, they unquestionably brought their unique selves to their art form and by extension, their lives. None without their personal demons, I guess only they know, to what degree they were able to quiet the inner angst - while they lived.

I believe my writing in the past to have been to the best of my ability at the time, authentically me as much as I could muster, devoid of pandering to social agreement or approval seeking. If these last few years have cemented anything in my personal GPS it would be that if I write, I have no interest in massaging the content for anyone, I have experienced wholesale abandonment, vast "ghosting" - professional transition and I suppose one would say an entire restructuring of social connection. Some of this may well have been the natural attrition of personal relationships akin to Marianne Williamson's attributing relationships to be of three types: "for a reason," "for a season," "for a lifetime." Others, who knows really - in my experience seldom (if ever) do these parting of the ways, come with an explanation. In still some other cases - it can be directly attributed to my stand and beliefs with respect to the events and narratives that have held the world captive over the last three years. Really in hindsight, these were not relationships of any depth or substance if they dissolved so readily - the true colour and timbre was revealed - like it or not thus it was to be (often I did not "like" - it was rather painful) however likely for the higher good.

Given my penchant to "people-please" the vestiges of survival strategies I embodied much of my life - this last few years has shown me, there is zero use in showing up any other way than as my true self. Nothing was gained maintaining the facade and veneer of an engineered persona. Many I experienced in my life only "welcomed" me as long as I echoed their perspectives and beliefs. When I couldn't or wouldn't, no longer able to endure the discomfort of my own incongruence they were gone.

Someone said,  speak and live the truth you may not have many friends, but those that come into your life will represent your true community (paraphrased and without credit - as I don't remember who said it). I suppose I'm squarely in the speaking and living phase of this evolution. As far as I can see, the "decks" have been cleared of false friends & pseudo-community. It has also been said that "nature abhors a vacuum" - so it is possible relational transformation is on the horizon. I recognize that I can very readily bask in my own company - both a gift and sometimes a detriment, if I allow it to carry too far. I don't seek to isolate entirely - nor do I suffer from any delusion of grandiosity or self-importance. I'm just getting older (than God for that) and I have a growing desire for honesty and equally increasing lack of appetite for bullshit, drama and games.

The last three years comprised of lies, manipulation, coercion and full-scale abuse have demonstrated to me that I have a zero tolerance policy for it in my life. I quite honestly don't know where these decisions, forged in chaos, pain, fear, grief and sometimes despair - will lead me. I have decided to live a lie, imbues a life that may well prove to be not worth living - one can run, but not hide from themselves so good luck to those that think they will attain peace by following the crowd, through virtue signalling or looking to false idols for their sense of identity or protection. I mean that sincerely - if this is your choice, blessings on your journey, I don't wish you any ill-will. For me a life built on a foundation of dishonesty, power-seeking, control or fear will never be one of inner peace and satisfaction. Quite the opposite, the collective maw of those influences will never be sated.

I May Not Be "Woke" - But I See the Light of Day

 I have been following for quite sometime, the "morning pages" protocol of Julia Cameron's - "Artist's Way." I never missed a day for a considerable length of time. I was including the "artist dates" doing the various suggested exercises. I dabbled in some sketching a vision board (I should dig that out and see if what I was "visioning" has in anyway been reconciled in my life). It did jumpstart my writing to some degree, though I have not returned to the regularity of previous periods of my life. Also during that time I decided to take up the "electric" guitar. 

This week I haven't done any morning writing at all - until this very moment. I don't have preconceived focal point or subject matter. It will be written and posted as it comes off the keyboard (with a token proof-read). I did manage this week to each morning do my fairly basic stretching/Qi gong routine and morning prayer and meditation. These practices don't define me - however they quite likely shape my willingness to continue, at all (with anything). I don't care about what anyone believes, with regard to what the observance or practice of these things "says" about me. If the last two years has taught me anything, it's that:

 a) I don't look to anyone or "institution" for my well-being; b) I simple cannot define myself by the (often hostile) views, biases, and fears of others.

I have, since commencing with the electric guitar practiced every single day for some nearly 280 consecutive days. Principles that I gleaned from the Artist's way - i.e. continuity, lessening/dropping self-criticism, in this case - being willing to make really bad music (you should hear some of the sounds I can coax/squeeze out of that guitar!!) On some fronts, over the course of this extended "play-date" I have made improvements on certain specific techniques - which is pretty satisfying. There is so much more I want to learn - which at times is daunting and left unchecked could ultimately fuel my giving up. So I go back, to "keeping it simple," what am I working on "today!!" Eventually if I live long enough the weave of assorted techniques and guitar and music fluency I might actually be able to play something.

I look at my guitar practice and my "spiritual practice" as one and the same. Both convey a self-love platform that infiltrates my person and directly influences how I interact with the world around me.  Both have been a saving grace for me over this last two years as my access to more and more of what was considered "normal" day to day facets of society became increasingly restricted and cutoff altogether.

I saw to it that my guitar practice and morning observances for body and soul (while I believe unnecessary to compartmentalize - for the sake of acknowledging their parts of the whole of my being, I will make those distinctions; happened every single day - regardless of what the world was dishing up and my initial and lasting responses to it.

This reinforces for me that no matter what governments and their appointed minions implement in terms of draconian measures, there are some inherent things that those bastards cannot touch or take away!

I have spent countless hours engaged in online dialogue (which has taught me - written "communication" unless exhaustively comprehensive and even still, will be misinterpreted, misrepresented and seldom leads to anything like connection or understanding) to the contrary it opens the door to, slander/libel, abuse, prejudice, shaming,  & character assassination. In short these interactions are in no way fulfilling, fruitful, up-lifting or even healthy.

So I tease out my part in wishing to engage in them in the first place and conclude - I actually don't. I will make my stand,  live my life through seeking the direction of my heart and soul and leave others to do the same. "Live and Let Live." Your Life Your Business! I don't need to change your mind or defend my choices.

As the Course in Miracles inquires: "Would I rather be right or happy." I know what's right for me - my mistake, has been in trying to spend, any of my valuable life time and energy, explaining or defending that to anyone else - the end result has never produced anything akin to happiness.

The fear, the deprivation, the losses - the very real concerns for the future for me are legitimate. They also if left unchecked can become overwhelming and suck the joy out of what is still available to me. You want me to line up to enter you retail store... no thanks - I'll pass (do I actually need what you're selling ... turns out No! I do not) restaurants and gyms lock me out (do I really need to pay for the pretentious "atmosphere" and over-priced food - apparently I haven't gone hungry, with no restaurant access) and I'm not sure, even if gyms did "welcome" me back, that; I would wish to support these establishments, that claim to be about health and wellness, yet they participate in discrimination and policies, that have nothing to do with wellness.

I'm not sure I need to be engaged with "social media" (which often is the epitome of anti-social) but should I choose to continue in any form - I will state my views as I wish. I will no longer engage, trolls and abuse. I may or may not employ a 3 strikes and you're out policy. I would like to give space for "a bad day" - a misunderstanding - even a messy conversation to arrive at mutual understanding (an agreement is not required - except with respect to respect). In the absence of that the conversation is over I have no intention to engage abuse/bullying.

Herein lies the morning musings, hot (or not) for my current stream of consciousness.

R. O'Neill (February 04, 2022)

Mine for the Finest Ore

 "All that glitters is not gold......" - William Shakespeare ("Merchant of Venice")

This aphorism came to mind for me yesterday. I was taking action upon the "relationship" I've had with this particular guitar of mine, one that has spanned nearly 4yrs. I bought the guitar (an acoustic/electric) brand new. That in itself, could be seen as an act of self love. I had come into some (not entirely unexpected) money through an inheritance. I decided I wanted to get myself a "better than average" higher end guitar. Guitars have come and gone out of my life since I was a teenager, some that in hindsight I might have preferred to have kept. 

This guitar most certainly had "glitter" solid wood construction (made with a coveted variety of "tone-woods") shiny finish, fancy inlays and appointments. I did some "research" before I bought it. I didn't come across a single disparaging review. A point worth mentioning now, would be that when I tried the guitar in the shop, I'm aware that I begun "running a racket.." I effectively shut down my subjective senses and sensibilities, and literally sold myself on this guitar (in the midst of a small shop that nonetheless had a wide variety of choices).  Surely all these reviews, the gorgeous appointments, craftsmanship etc. "should" carry the day.  I simply didn't "love" this instrument and, I bought it anyway.

This guitar sat as much or more than it has been played. I restrung it. Put it in a guitar stand so that it was visible and accessible. I would pick it up and play it some, trying to convince myself that I would, "grow to love it.." I did not. I didn't like the sound of it (to my ear, it sounds "brittle," and its tonal palette reside too predominantly in the mid-range to treble spectrum) - the reviews asserted that it was "bright" and articulate - perfect for finger style playing or flat-picked; I didn't like the feel of the neck in my hand or the action (string height from the fretboard .. for the benefit of non-guitar players).

I just kept deferring to my beat up, aged guitar that has been patched back together with glue, fibreglass and duct tape... inadvertently being subject to various insults and abuses through using it extensively for busking. Despite it's tenuous clinging to life... it still is more enjoyable for me to play and listen to than this much more expensive "impressive looking guitar."

I decide 6 months ago to take up electric guitar (and generally to roll my study of guitar back to basics with design on developing a greater fluency) my previous foray, revolved around taking as many short-cuts as I could to, just be able to play some songs!! How that relates to the other guitar is it created for me a distraction around this expensive guitar languishing about largely unused.

Months extend to years... I still have no love for nor inspiration from this instrument. I simply do not enjoy it. Intermittently I beat myself up for being impulsive... the money I spent (that I would likely not retrieve - retail versus now "used") not to mention time spent, advertising, fielding calls, people bailing/no shows... trying to grind the price down etc.

More waffling, more inaction, more avoidance ... "More" on many fronts... all accept satisfaction, contentment, enjoyment..

More water under the bridge and over this past holiday season, I'm once again trying to manufacture some love for this guitar - Mission Impossible. Back to the reviews and demo videos (surely I must be missing something) - but I began to realize even in the hands of some obviously accomplished musicians, I didn't like the tone of that guitar. The quality, workmanship, finish etc. are not in question nor being maligned by me. I simply don't like it! It's not satisfying to my ear - nor do I enjoy playing it.

What a revelation! Reviews, synopses - marketing, celebratory endorsements - studio demos etc. are not enough to counter my subjective experience! What a wakeup call to realize just how profoundly external influences impact my "choice." 

This was it. Yesterday I had arrived at a decision. The guitar would go! A lightness came over my being  a sense of freedom, the relief of some sort of burden. I took a bus into town with the idea of exploring with the shop I originally purchased it from the idea of consignment sales or possible trades. When I arrived at the shop, signs on the door indicated that he still would not be open for another two days.. (I knew that but had forgotten ... having called the shop last week) in my minds eye his extended time off had already elapsed.

I then decided to walk back home to get some exercise. During my walk I considered the situation. I had already let the guitar go and was now operating from the reality of it not occupying space in my space. I concluded I didn't want to wait two days for the shop to open & I didn't want the guitar coming home with me... I was entertaining the idea of taking it one of the larger chain stores (which wasn't resonating for me) when I remembered there was a smaller local business on my way ... that did indeed carry this brand of guitar... I decided to feel out this possibility and see what happens.

They took the guitar in .... their guitar "tech" is in tomorrow and Saturday. His roll would be to determine if the guitar is in good enough condition to place on their sales floor (the guitar is in immaculate condition if there is any deficiency, it would come as a complete surprise to me) I hope not - it is not my want to put out more money in order to put it up for sale. If anything it might need setting up again .... which is minor and normal in the life of a guitar.

So I will hear from them if they consider it viable for their shop, customer demographic etc. and then get back to me with a discussion on list pricing and the consignment sale spit.

Take-a-ways from this unfolding experience are a deepening awareness of seeking and trusting my inner assessment of any situation and acting in accordance with what I determine in alignment with my needs. For me, this "lesson" reaches far beyond, this perhaps seemingly mundane ("first world" conundrum). Somewhere along the line I was introduced to the idea that how "you" are in one area of your life is how you are across the board. So then, discovery deepened awareness of the forces and influences affecting my decision making process and choices in one area of my life, could be seen to be operating more universally throughout my life. 

How and in what ways to I negate my experience or defer my inner knowing, experience of, intuition about etc. in favour of some "popularized" narrative or consensus operating or sourced from outside myself?

This experience reveals to me that, that which is "golden" for me might well be held in something or an experience/opportunity that may present as lacking in "allure" but later proves to be, "a diamond in the rough." How challenging is it to just be, ones own self - in a sea of cacophony screaming for conformity? What is the price extracted for choosing group acceptance versus self-acceptance?

There continues to be unknowns in this particular anecdote. Will they take the guitar in on consignment? If they do will it be the be all to end of for someone else? Just what they were looking for? A chance to own a high quality instrument at a reduced price. It won't be the whatever the builders are marketing for 2022 - but it might be the perfect fit for someone else's ears, hands and budget.

R. O'Neill (January 11, 2022)

Insecure - Not Looking to be Saved

 Once again I return to the unwritten page, after a sizeable absence. It's not particularly an explainable departure; either that, or I don't feel the need to explain. As a matter of fact, I haven't felt inspired to write. Also true, I have concluded, I have an intention to write and even so, I still don't "feel" inspired. So then, I'll just write!

I began to exercise this intent last week, only to discover I couldn't access the "dashboard" interface of this blogging platform - therefore, no writing. I could see my previous posts, but that was it! I looped around the site, going and getting nowhere fast; other than a tad exasperated. I began wading through some of the FAQ's links, but couldn't find anything that aligned with my specific issue. I couldn't find a specific spot to "ask for help" so I sent a message through a link called "feedback." So far, sometime approaching a week later, I haven't received feedback or an answer. (at least not in the form of a reply).

My imagination was intermittently, spinning scenarios that I had been "blocked," due to contentious content. Thankfully I didn't go off half-cocked on that tangent, as it didn't reflect the truth, or the entire truth (but then again, what does?) While it may be true that I express, from time to time, contentious viewpoints - it was not true, that I had been blocked.

I had some time yesterday, so I revisited the site, and this time, I did find a clue in someone's question thread. Turns out there are different username/passwords for the "Google platform" in general (my apologies to the purist's if my tech-terminology is not accurate) I'm not a "techie" & I don't care! the blog platform also has its own username/password. I have what I choose to deem, present moment consciousness, by which I mean, at different places in time I may have been called upon to create these different "identities," and then moments later I would forget about them. In the past, I would just come and go from the blog platform; I suppose I must have remained logged in, as I always had access. For whatever reason, I was no longer "logged in," and my attempts to do so, were continually done with one of my other "Google-related" ID's.

Once I used the right combo for the right site ... boom I'm in!! No surprise to the geeks of the world, I'm sure. I use the term geek, uncertain, that won't illicit the same perception, as any other "special interest group" that is comfortable speaking of themselves a particular way, but loathe to allow anyone else to refer to them as such. So at the risk of invoking - "the Revenge of the Nerds," I have done so anyway.. As far as I can see, the world has been living this Revenge over the last two years anyway - so they can hardly expect anyone to be enamoured with them at this point! (but I digress).

I still have, mostly disdain for technology! I acknowledge the on-boarding id I was attempting to use was erroneous, and I maintain, I would never be locked out of my journal. Why the need for multiple "platforms" - id's, passwords etc. I would have likely named them all the same thing, if I was given that option. As that seems to be generally discouraged, there's not a prayer, I'm going to remember all this malarky!

All in the name of "security." So feck'in secure, I can't access my own stuff!! Brilliant that is! Of course the flip-side of this "security" analogy, is increasingly, the public at large, is being denied access to the truth (on multiple fronts). I don't know about you, but I don't feel any sense of security, having one select group, dictating the "truth,"and censoring the rest; resulting in large swaths people arguing for, and living a lie (or series of intricately woven lies). The only ones secure in that scenario, are the ones seeding the lies!

Fortunately, or so it seems, though those scripting this tale of lies, as long pre-meditated and diabolically ingenious as it may have been; seem to have missed the grade-school lesson; that once one sets out to lie and weave a path of deception, it becomes increasingly difficult, to conceal the lies, or remember each lie, that has been expressed. The result, the house of cards becomes destabilized and falls; exposing the illusion and those that spin them. I don't sit and contemplate the demise and punishment of those involved, this to me, would be a fruitless endeavour. I am reminded though, that any number of individuals have chided me or have public spoken the same, regarding choices and consequences. I have been living the "consequences" of my choices for two years now. That has been my path & those were my choices.

It will be the same for those that orchestrate deception! "Live by the sword, die by the sword.." I don't need to wish any of them ill-will. I suspect they are planting the seeds of their own demise ("consequences..").

My aim and responsibility is to live my best possible life and version of myself. That means to me, I don't harbour resentment. I don't ruminate about the acts of others and what they "deserve" in exchange. I do the best I can, with what I've got! I look to bring my gifts to bear, in service to the world.

I don't grind axes, point fingers and wish dire consequence toward anyone. I disagree, I look around and much of what I see, occurs to me to be misguided, but I have spent enough energy trying to change others. I now, bring the focus back to myself. What do I have the power to change. The entire Charter of Rights can be re-written or burned and I still can say No!

Security is such an illusory quality. How many have been, or were, "secure" in career paths, societal institutions, family, friendships, public amenities, only to find each of them, was unraveled and revealed nothing, in the blink of an eye!!

How many lived a life, that included a rather passive or apathetic attitude toward discrimination? (until they found themselves the target of discrimination). I have been examining my apathy for quite sometime, however, I never expected to experience the level of discrimination, that currently is occurring. (all calculated).

Behold the voluminous acts of betrayal .... as so many, cloak themselves in self-righteousness and turn on any they consider unworthy of their allegiance. Not so "secure" in those relationships any more eh?

Look around and reckon with the power of addiction.... so vast and so all-encompassing, that thousands with throw their neighbour "under the bus," so that they can continue to access those distractions, that may well "amuse them to death." 

Consider the behemoth fear, and all that it conjured! People have sold their souls, put themselves and potentially those they "love," at dire risk. 

All this made possible by an insatiable thirst for "security." I think as history has shown, and is likely still to prove true, one ought very carefully consider, where or to whom, they are looking to, for "security" and the price being extracted. It may well become more evident, first of all they are offering something that they cannot (or never intended to provide), second it never was theirs to give and lastly one will never find it outside themselves.

R. O'Neill (January 04, 2022)

Passion - The Sequel

 I effectively have become estranged from my own blog. It's interesting to consider. According to the "backdoor" features (my term) the "stats" indicate somebody is still reading.  For quite some considerable time after creating the blog, I didn't even know you could track readership. Then beyond that I didn't know there had been some readers trying to interact through the site. I believe I attempted to reconcile my, what must have seemed to be perhaps a lack of grace in not responding; while literally I didn't know there was anything or anyone to respond to. 

Today I've decided to write something. For those who read, whomever you may be, I thank you! Truly I hope that something I share touches you in some useful fashion. Whether my "natural" evolution or the aftermath of the last eighteen months (and counting) - I perceive more than ever, that I have very little to proclaim. I don't know that I ever really did, I certainly spent a period of time trying to present my perspective as more than it merits - I understand that now, to have been a deep-seated "need" to compensate for believing I'm "none of that..."

Certainly I continue to have my own beliefs, perspectives and life experience. I don't need anyone to cosign it, agree with it, follow it - I just need to live it.

I do love to write (as I discovered some years ago now). I'm also aware of the contradiction created by the absence of anything in written form juxtaposed along with the previous claim. I actually write every morning, have for some period of time now. There has been a couple mornings (maybe the time frame is 6 months) where I hit the floor running, probably more accurate spinning off in some various forms of un-groundedness  and rather than employ one of the practices that generally centers me before beginning my day, I just decided to continue to spin... no writing occurred on those occasions. Gratefully those morning have been minimal (it's a good reminder of how most everyday of my life was spent at a different place in time).

So today, I was acknowledging to myself in my journal, that I had now completed ninety (90) consecutive days of guitar practice - since deciding to follow my passion to learn how to play electric guitar (and to generally more comprehensively become better acquainted with the guitar. I considered that I don't need to wait before I can play the guitar like (insert your own guitar player of choice) in order to acknowledge my successful commitment so far, that progress is being made (even if it's the establishment of regular practice of practice) - I probably not going to play like whomever you might (or I) might imagine... I'm going to play more like me. 

I would still identify writing as a passion... I would also say it has given way to other pursuits and considerations. It may well return - which is to say, beyond what is currently sprawling across my computer screen.

There is much to be said about the journey with my guitar (well there's two electrics in the stable at the moment) - that's a journey in and of itself. I'm learning about the different gear - a learning curve and a field that in itself is vast. Within that I'm looking for my place, I seem to spend considerable time in my life with that pursuit.. More frequently I locate myself where my head, heart, hands and butt are - that feels good to me. As for guitar equipment, well I'm trying to determine where in the spectrum of available "tools of the trade" do I care to roost. What is hype? What is crass commercialism? How much is the group mind in the world of music influence by the hype and commercialism? Do I care to have those "Strat" tones? Can my taste, ear, values and sensibilities be appeased on my terms? Where does "entry level" end and junk begin? There are some tones that I just love - no question about it!! But even with the equipment I've acquired thus far (all "used") there are literally infinite combinations of settings and variables - that influence sound. Not to mention the hands of the person wielding it all!!!

Nonetheless celebration is the name of the day! I recognize a milestone has been realized and, it's all part of the bricks being laid in a foundation! Even as I sit here writing, the guitars are staring me down!! I fully intend to practice tonight. I decided to strike a balance and answer the call to write. I was a near -"terminal" perfectionist in my life prior. To be clear, I'm not talking about excellence, or doing one's best. I talking about a shame-based belief that I was and never would be, good enough; looking at life, through that lens, I was not often inclined to try new things and had very little patience, compassion or willingness within myself to "be a beginner."

That has changed! 

Today was another triumph! I'm vaguely aware the "Olympics" are occurring. For me that is so far in the background of my awareness - it's almost not happening. Anyway I make the reference to conjure the contrast around said triumph. Is it the stuff of "Olympians." I imagine in the minds of many - not at all!

I purchased a used amplifier, maybe a couple months ago, from a fellow up-island. I was aware that it was "programmable" not something I really wanted to get into - I just knew it had some features my original amp (which I bought along with the first guitar) did not. It is, "more amplifier" - by which I don't just mean "louder." I've also come to learn there is more to be had from the first one than I first realized! So much to learn!! Anyway I wouldn't have bought this amp new, but the price he was asking was pretty reasonable, a third of the new retail price!

I got the thing home (I did try it some at his place before buying it.... had him play some and run through the features)... after playing with it some, I decided I didn't want all his programmed "preset" sound patches - so some online research informed me I could invoke the reset sequence and put it back to "factory" specifications. I reasoned I wanted to start from just clean sound and then maybe layer in some effects. This reset could be accomplished just pressing a few buttons on the amp simultaneously - ready, set, go!!

The good news was it still made sound after I let go of the buttons!! I just played on it through the "clean" channel - alternating back and forth between the two amps. Reading this, reading that - trying not to get lost in all the "tweaking" and not get any practicing done. 

One day I decided to try some of the "over-drive" channels. Well first I created something a kin to a "sonic boom.." scared the shit out of myself!! Then I turned it down some and tried it - seem one could get some of those "rock and roll tones" but they would be present and then not... I was somewhat emboldened by any knob-turning was all being done in "manual" mode nothing would remain once I turned the amp off and back on.

I looked on line for some local or even in this country service centers (the amps are out of Britain) meanwhile I just kept twisting dials - as close as I can figure the volume I had on the clean channel - could not be selected on over-driven channel, lest one wanted to crack plaster, windows and eardrums - once dialled back, the other features seemed to be available. 

I heard back from someone from the service centre.. they suggested I go online to the website where there is a platform you can patch into through your computer to interface with the amplifier and download updates, change parameters and settings... 

I'm like, yes I could (or I can just keep playing it on the one channel... it's sounds pretty good) it didn't cost me a fortune) somedays the other amp seems okay as I do some more experimentation - keep in mind, I live in an apartment, I can't be dialing in some simulated "arena-rock" setting and cutting loose!!!

Anyway, last night I decided to try and determine if this amp is up to date (internal software etc.) also keep in mind, any reference I'm making to the techie-side of the spectrum here is not in anyway to be confused with fluency ..... I'm pretty much a leave well-enough alone - and don't f... with it (unless absolutely necessary) I downloaded the application that would allow me to interact with the amplifier then I searched my bag of random cables for something that looked like it had connections that would work at either end. I found just such a wire - however it yielded an error message and indicated that the cable must be data-capable) how the $#%& was I going to tell that - other than, I concluded it quite possibly isn't because the computer is unable to talk to the amplifier. Off to London Drugs electronics department this morning with the cable I tried to use (so I could give a visual of the connections that were necessary) and a hand written note transcribed from the error message so I could communicate what was "supposed to occur." 

Dude is like, oh you want a data cable - rather than just a charging cable!! (like this is painfully obvious!!) I get in step and reply, "why yes, I believe I do, do ya have anything like that?). Yes, he answers - in the computer department... (in hind-sight I consider, I suppose that is where you would find a data-friendly cable alright!!

This evening - I unpackaged said cable connected the cable to both the amplifier and my computer and voila I have imagery on my screen of a control panel that tells me where all the amp settings are currently - and has an endless array of effects etc. that could be selected and saved. (It was also helpful that I watched a couple guys on youtube last night - reviewing amps by this same company and one was doing a basic tour through that interface environment, so at least it looked a little familiar).

 I looked around a little saw the one labelled "bass" - "I think I might have a little too much of that going on!" and there is not a external equalizer to dial it back - played a few chords and scales to appreciate the changes - it save and got the hell out of this "electronics" "beyond the pale...." When all was said and done, a pretty "easy" procedure - and yet in some ways I ventured into alien space - with not much in the way of innate "sense of direction" - but a willingness to pray liberally and consult the hinterland of the inter-web and nothing short of a miracle unfolded!!

I don't need to be messing with anything else - just now! But I know how to get in there now!!

I clicked on some other buttons that were for menus etc. and found one that allowed me to determine that the amplifier is up to date with system downloads. Thank God! I can just get back to my scales!!

The other thing I'm celebrating today is the sale of one of my books!! I don't know when it sold exactly - it's been a couple weeks since I have been in the cafe - but it was inspiring for me to know that another of my passions is still bearing fruit. I also had the opportunity to give the 30sec. elevator speal about the book, to another fellow in the shop (who got curious when he heard the owner ask me if I was still interested in doing an "author's evening" (now that some of the other madness has subsided ... at least for now)..

Yes I absolutely am, was my answer and as I was leaving, he was looking at the last remaining copy of my book there in the shop. I will drop off some more copies tomorrow.

The book has also found it's way into a local addictions centre - where I have been meeting with some residents "one on one" & offer a group, when necessary combination of residents are present and simultaneously have the willingness or curiosity to attend.

I'm intrigued at the various ways passion finds its way to become expressed. My part seems to be to neither give up on passion nor myself. To do my best to get out of the way, so that passion can do what passion does best.

I want to facilitate others and their relationship with passion. I have no doubt of its existence and I'm aware on can be the vehicle through which passion is delivered or the dam in the river. I seek to become more consistently the former, rather than the latter.

I big part of that is to not allow myself to succumb to the fears and opinions of anyone else (and especially not those of my own!!)

R.O'Neill (July 28, 2021)

* (I gotta get practising, so I tried to "proof-read" along the way... however this post is largely raw & unedited) - of course so is the author!! I'm going to hit "publish!!)