I Would have Told You Sooner.... But.......

I'm going to follow some guidance I received in the past couple of days and embark on a written odyssey that won't necessarily be the sole focus of my writing but from my perspective, certainly will constitute "soul-focus." I have been peeling the onion for over a quarter of a century now which has encompassed a wide variety of modalities and introduced me to a myriad of paths one might consider while exploring their spirituality. The quest it would seem, is not to end anytime soon - but before you conclude that is evidence of futility, I wish to declare that the impetus to continue is a deepening and enriching experience of life and a deep commitment to continued evolution. Having said that some of the discovery (territory if you will) along the journey does at times present as cause to "call it quits!"Such is the case at this time - as I continue with my intention to make the unconscious - conscious, what should be revealed to me but: SHAME. I'm not talking about some mild discomfort I feel over some recent over-sight, or lack of grace (though certainly I can lay claim to such things. I am referring to the presence of shame as a part of the fabric of my being, a way through which I have viewed the world and myself within it. It is very pervasive and "self"perpetuating and thrives in darkness and secrecy. It is in response to the previous reference to the container (the environment) within which shame is allowed to proliferate that I believe I have been guided to make "public" my healing journey. Journaling has long been touted as a tool through which one can explore their inner world - possibly more often than not the contents remain the guarded property of the writer. In this case I believe the cure is (as often is the case) inherent in the cause, therefore the healing of shame will not be found in examining, recognizing and embracing the various nuances of shame in my life and then keeping the discovery to myself - that would be succumbing to the continued dictates of that which I desire to completely heal and transform. Therefore it must be shared. Is this a unique undertaking - am I introducing into the field of consciousness a cutting-edge revelatory finding? I actually don't know! Certainly there are other individuals who have researched and written quite extensively on the subject. Has anyone in effect, taken their personal journal of discovery and subsequently made it available for public consumption - again I don't know, I know it is unique to me, as such you can be assured you will get my unique journey and presentation of same, through my unique writing style. Of course there is bound to be things that resonate with the presentation of others, I am after all no more or less human than they are (though for example, I am aware that aspects of my persona/personality have been shaped by the shame I speak of, to keep it from being revealed - so I can present as considerably greater than those I encounter or behave in ways that serve the perspective that I am significantly less than. It is my hope that while embracing and expressing my humanity and challenges with my humanity and the human condition, I will not only blaze the trail for my own healing and spiritual development but inspire others along the way. Isolation is a significant thread woven into the blanket of shame - consider, that even if you are one that is frequently in the company of others, whereby one could insist loneliness is seldom if ever an issue, if no one is speaking of the presence of shame then those that are experiencing it are alone with it. Therefore it is my experience that even if one has "dealt with" a reality in their life - something that has a external,visible manifestation (i.e. in my case addiction) could be any number of other circumstances/realities for others (as shame is associated with a broad spectrum of outward presentation- without necessarily being the cause) it doesn't necessarily disappear just because the issue has been "laid to rest" so one can (to continue with my addiction example) get and remain sober - still shame lives on. As "self-sabotage" is another way in which shame can be perpetuated I ask myself, by laying my soul open am I inviting a whole lotta hurt? I know the journey itself will involve some pain but I also believe that though I hope others will be touched by this journey I have no intention of martyring myself. Accounts subsequent to this will contain the authentic insight into the experience - if that necessitates a "breather"for me then so be it. I am not alone on this journey though the (entity if you will) of shame, is comprised of non-loving energy - it will be addressed within a container of unconditional love (which must include that which I direct toward myself). Part of the journey from darkness to light entails further connection with myself and subsequently those that accompany me on the journey as I share it - I no longer believe I'm to be alone during discovery nor be possessive with that which I find along the way. So I am not "taking one for the team" but I recognize I am looking at something that extends far beyond myself. Given the focus of this topic, it won't illicit universal appeal, interest or acceptance, I would invite anyone to give it consideration before being too quick to dismiss it - might be that to do so, would be to have succumbed to the very thing that I speak of and that - would be a "shame."