At a point now in my life's journey where that event seems a lifetime ago and there have been innumerable acts and behaviours of mine that have added to the shame and perhaps could be said to have shame as one of the composite causes - I now "dare to tell the truth."
I have no PhD. (though I have been known to "pile it high & deep) nor do I possess what seems to me, the necessary requisite successful athletic, business, or entertainment career that lends credibility to those that then launch themselves as "motivational speakers," life-coaches or spiritual leaders. I acknowledge, that one seeking success might consider emulating one that has been successful. I also don't wish to diminish the accomplishment of others in their chosen fields - my question is: does it necessarily ensure they have comprehensive mastery of the human condition? Certainly they have honed some effective strategies and attributes of excellence - can they then step off the podium or world tour schedule and be vulnerable with their partner or seen as less than spectacular in other arenas of human endeavour? Do "we"even want to see them as anything other than their public image? Before going any further, it is not my intention to engage in the "bloodsport" of celebrity crucifixion - rather I hope to make a case for an expanded idea of who might be considered aptly qualified, to be a role model or leader.
I take my own life profile for example (I hope this to be farther reaching than an elaborate attempt to justify my own mediocrity) - it is after all, the only life I have the right to speak on with any authority. So imagine the bulleted line items on the back of a book cover that reads:
- adopted at birth (created a life - long story around fear of rejection & abandonment)
- 15 years addicted to drugs and alcohol
- 26 years in "recovery"( during which time:)
- a 17 year marriage ensued (which failed)
- a 28 year career was ended (resulting)
- in virtual financial ruin
Of course there have been "accomplishments"- college graduation, black belt in martial arts, jumped out of a plane (though in hind - sight I'll never know why! I have enough fear in my life without creating that kind of terror, ever again (unless the plane is going down). There are countless successes, certifications, initiations etc. All of which might be included in the, what I've done category. But can I use them to illustrate "who I am?" It must also be considered, that I've had ideas that may have bordered on sheer genius (each, would have undoubtedly changed my life - even if it had no further impact) all of which were never made real. There have been many glorious beginnings - with a variety of conclusions including: changed my mind, dismal failure, humiliating defeat, gave up!
Question is - would you read the book? Have I learned anything? Can I teach anything? I "dare" to believe I can! Through it all - I "dare" to believe that I am something more than all of my failures - more than some of my less than helpful"beliefs." I suggest it takes courage to face the "truth," of my part in all this failure. That as I sift through all the shame, despair and defeat - I stumble into love, understanding and compassion.
I have not formed a reputation around a battle cry like: "Never say die" or "Take no prisoners"
More like: "I survived wishing to die - now I choose life!" & "I've been in prison - I was judge, jury, and executioner - I'm now granting myself early parole."
From self-righteousness and arrogance - I walk toward confidence and humility.
From a painful life of disconnection, isolation and loneliness - I hope to create a world of inclusion, connection and compassion.
From thinking I know all the answers for everyone else - now I "dare" to tell the "truth" of how much it hurts to be me some days. I dare to step outside my projected image of perfectionism to reveal the shame, fear and doubt within. In doing so I know what it is when you tell me you're in pain, I know the courage it takes for us both to keep showing up - it sucks that you hurt the way you do, and I can't or won't, try to "fix" you.
I have been privileged to have guides that have been willing to witness me open and begin to explore my heart - it has and will continue to call upon, all the truth and daring I can muster, to continue to do so. I "dare" to hold space for others to do the same. I am passionate about connection to the heart - does this make me a leader? I think it places me on a continuum, there are those ahead of me calling me forward, I can then look over my shoulder and urge the next person forward, so then, more like a link in the chain. I have a responsibility to somehow contribute - in that light sharing my failures becomes a success. I'm clear it will connect hearts - will I ever sell a book? "Truth or Dare!"
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