I for quite sometime been an enthusiastic walker, yes I own an automobile but I frequently opt to leave it at home in favour of a walk into town. Errands further a field are usually broken up with stops at various oasis' on route, of the java dispensing variety.
Recently I have made a conscious choice to park the car. As well as walking, I have dusted off my bike and have added pedal power to my modes of transit. I have not as yet decided to get rid of the car altogether, though I am definitely considering the merits of the electric scooters that have recently caught my attention - no license, no insurance, no gas, pretty attractive if you ask me! Of course I am entertaining this while we are currently enjoying an extended summer. I already use the bus as a fall back - when I feel like conserving a little energy rather than walk all the way to or back from town, carrying my guitar. Certainly that it a viable option on really foul weather days. At any rate I suppose I will not only increase my own wellness with the addition of all this physical activity, I will lower my personal carbon foot-print while I conducting this experiment.
The upshot of these what I'd call more intimate (more immediate) forms of commuting, is just that I find that so much more comes within the scope of my awareness. Walking or cycling bring you up close and personal with your surroundings. All kinds of things pop out that weren't obvious to me, even when traveling the same route by car. To be sure cycling calls upon one to be aware, does for me anyway! I suppose I'd call my state while cycling relaxed-awareness. In other words I'm not tense and anxious, I don't ride as though my potential demise is around each corner, but nor am I complacent, I don't ride like nothing could happen to me, but I wouldn't ride at all if I couldn't enjoy the experience. So while in areas of heavy traffic, parked cars etc. I am watching those that aren't watching me, looking for car doors to swing open, broken glass or other road conditions that are not conducive to "smooth sailing" at times having to make in the moment decisions with respect to an evasive maneuver while not putting myself into harms way elsewhere. This presence also affords a connection experience that is not typical of my automobile travel.
So collectively, what with walking, cycling and busking in town I'm being afforded the opportunity to take in and participate more deeply in my "community." I suppose I have had my own version of getting and staying busy in the past that precluded me from this. I have to say though at times I have been experiencing "growing pains" as I embrace the circumstances I find myself in, I also must say that I am also enriched by many aspects of it. I imagine that at times I'm not entirely aware, that the very things that I might be struggling with - in the wake of their absence, are the very openings that are necessary so that I can have a completely different experience. This might have nothing to do with what I might "be doing" six months or a year from now - but I feel it's important to bring everything I have to bare to this present experience.
As some may know I have a book project near completion, that involved a practice that I developed or that developed me, involving walking a labyrinth every morning for forty days. The book reflects my process over these forty days and the various matters I pondered. I look forward to the completion of that project which will involve my becoming acquainted with self-publishing and having that happen. Concurrently I find myself in a new process - busking is for me a journey of discovery.
If I made the whole thing about income generation or comparing myself to other performers (which I have and it is now my intention to let go of that orientation). I have indeed come to see my judgment of myself, to attribute this to busking alone would be erroneous, what I have chosen to do, is now just the vehicle, the judgment pre-exists it. So without intending it as so, I see where wounds of yester-year are standing in my own way. So it wouldn't matter if I were busking or the CEO of XYZ there would be that energy.
There are for me some sublime moments during a "performance"that I wish to focus on as perhaps my raison d'etre. Occasionally someone will step out from where ever it was they were and break out into song as they walk past - singing along with whatever I happen to be singing at the time! They may or may not "contribute" financially - and at the moment that is not the point. I just happen to think singing in the streets is a very good thing. I know that long before I have ventured into the being the "performer," my spirits have been lifted in the moment and beyond, by the energy and presence of some of Victoria's array of downtown talent. It actually doesn't enter into this conversation the matter of how good or not, that I might be - the fact remains I got the opportunity to be part of these various moments where, as well as it being a "day in the life" of each that passes by, some took that moment to bring to it, a shared musical moment. I certainly appreciate those moments, I am focusing on a change of attitude overall, so though I come to bring something of myself I still walk away feeling blessed.
Yesterday while playing in a local library courtyard - was just one of those moments, I happened to be singing "I Can't Help Falling in Love" when a small group of people walked through (an older couple and perhaps son/daughter and partner) the older gentle stopped and joined right in, the others carried on until they realized he had stopped, he then caught up to them and proceeded to serenade his wife, he then came back out of his way to "tip" me. Why is it I wonder that movies etc. are so popular, it seems to me it's about those heart warming scenes that some have come to think "only happen in the movies" and yet there it was a scene that could have been right off the big screen - yet it was happening right there live, in real time and I was being given the gift of being able to participate (co-create) - truly beautiful!!
An additional opportunity for connection included a fellow sitting with me at a sidewalk table outside the market I had been singing at earlier in the day. I had brought myself a small lunch from home - I found it amusing that I was "brown-bagging" it to busk. Anyway the gentlemen was reflecting on my song selections and sharing his experience with performing (music and acting) that he had known success and "fame" in writing and various performance arts. He went on to say how important it had been at one time for him to "make it" and then when he did - it wasn't at all what he thought it would be or what he wanted. He then divulged that it had all ended rather abruptly when overshadowed by a "mental illness." He shared with matter-of-fact articulate insight, that he could now see that some of what he might have considered at one time, to be inspired action - was carried out in forms of "mania" that didn't serve him. He spoke of incarceration in various forms of "institutions." Then he asked me - "what gets you up in the morning?" I was dumb-founded - I was humbled and deeply appreciated his candor and after what he had shared with me, I ran up against a sense of inadequacy to speak on the matter at hand. I dismissed the notion to play my fall back card of humour - by saying something like: "well generally it's the call of my bladder that gets me up and once there, I decide I might as well carry on with the day!" I wanted to hold this conversation with due respect. I've since read a quote which in effect said " that it is poisonous to ones soul to compare yourself to another." Without question I was in the midst of doing that - when I recognized, he's not asking me what he should do, he's not asking me to "fix" him in any way, it's simply an invitation to be seen and known. In my mind I'm scrambling to reconcile - "what the hell gets this fellow tagged as having a mental illness and to the best of my knowledge no such labels exist for me (probably can't be over-emphasized "to the best of my knowledge" - who knows what tapestry has been woven over my lifetime, if all that is associated with my "social insurance number (aka "SIN") "were combined in one "dossier" which is likely the case. I mention a morning practice - which has elements of spirituality, maybe it's all spiritual (though there are some physical components, nature-time, contemplation and silent connection) it's certainly what I need to feel good, I know this by giving myself the experience of life with various aspects included and dropping some at times. He listens and then replies "ya right." I didn't get that he was being dismissive - he even said, "ya I could use some structure again." In hindsight, I was coming to grips with the fact, I've really got to get to, what works for me and if asked, let go of any expectation that anyone else adopt any of it. I don't get up in the morning - thinking I'm going out there to fix or solve the riddles of anyone's life, however unconsciously there it is, somehow, the illusion of steering someone else, salves my wounds and uncertainty - read, distracts me from full investment in what I need. Of course we can learn from one another - but there is a personal guidance system that will let me know if the "suggestions" of someone else - will work for me and vice versa.
It challenging for me to enter into such conversations when I'm currently experiencing so much transition in my life. When processing some of the more difficult feelings and truths I sometimes think I'm hanging by a thread. That perception itself is probably ripe for the picking and releasing - still when someone asks "what are you doing?" I really believe I'm required to be "doing it right." I suspect the bottom line is, that I'm identifying a deepening need to continue to expand upon my ability to listen and formulate questions that direct people back to their own answers!
At the close he thanked me and expressed appreciation for hearing him and for the conversation. Despite my thinking I had nothing to offer him - he valued being heard above anything else. I am of the mind that I received far more than I gave.
What a gift it is becoming, the simple act of slowing my life enough to begin to hear more deeply and to connect to and know myself, those around me, and my community, more intimately.
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