Number Please (come in)

Far be it from me to push the river! By this I mean, later this year (which means currently, I'm moving toward) I will mark my 59th year on the planet. This assumes sometime between now and then it hasn't been pre-ordained, that it's time for me, to "break on through.." I'm not much of a "mathematician" ( I did a short stint in "Adult Education" post high school, many years ago, just to prove to myself, if I really wanted to, I could "do math.." - beyond a certain point, I didn't want to continue ... as I proved my point, and there was no further point)..... still I do find a certain allure to numbers, sometimes. So then, this year would delineate my 59th year, as one born in '59.

What is the significance of this? Damned if I know! Maybe nothing more than I find it personally satisfying. I don't actually need another reason. However, if one were to consider that when I was approaching 28yrs. of age (which would occur on August "28th") I had pre-meditated my forced exit - so in fact I was fully prepared to "push the river..." in the form of suicide.

Clearly that I am now sitting here "penning" this missive, it can be concluded, I wasn't successful with that particular vision. This gives rise to another number - 31. As in, it's been thirty-one years since I last used any illicit drugs or alcohol. To be allowed to proclaim this means, I've bucked the odds for quite some considerable time now.

I am entirely comfortable crediting the dramatic turn of events in my life to God; while at the same time, I am delighted to assert; for the most part I don't know what that "means.." I began an exploration of some form of "relationship" with "a Power greater than myself..." out of desperation. Generally I feel happy and grateful that the quality of my life, just continues to be more satisfying; while I exercise continued curiosity, passion, intrigue and surrender,  (and sometimes unbridled rage and exasperation) to that which I call God.

Within this continued "quest," it isn't required that I "define," prove the existence of, engage in debate, adopt anyone else's understanding, dogma or belief system, about God.

This is relationship that is reconnecting me to my heart. As such it seems only fitting to me that this restoration is for the purpose of giving my heart to the relationship. Not out of obligation, guilt, shame or as some sort of bargaining chip; the determining factor, is the joy of a heart returned to a connection with its source.

A wandering heart that finds itself at last, "at home.." need not question further its belonging nor argue for its purpose ... it just needs to continue being (at home).

I enjoy both a continued exploration into my self and through that, "God" and freedom from the need to try and convince anyone of God's existence, the nature of that God, or how they must conduct themselves in relation to that God.

If peace is one of the consequences of a connection with God - I certainly question any that feel it necessary to force feed anyone else, their version of God. If one has attained this state of peace - why would there be a need to convince anyone else of the ways, means and path to that peace. Just be, at peace. Allow the peace of God to speak for itself. To me if someone is intent on convincing me of the truth of their path - the fact they need my affirmation of that, suggests to me they are not convinced and secure with what they are espousing.

Faith, trust, love, forgiveness. I am growing in my willingness to choose and practice these ways of being. I don't hold myself as perfect, that I hold this vision for myself. I try not to chastise myself that I don't always embody perfect attainment of these qualities. I don't excuse myself as being "only human" when I miss the mark. I'm committed to the ongoing discovery of the best possible version of myself.

I still consider myself to be on a "spiritual" path. I would no longer state that all those that are members of a particular faith path are then "religious" and need be cast aside with the bathwater. There are most certainly those that are deeply "spiritual" that attend regular "mainstream" religious gatherings. Even those that in this moment don't "appear" to be conducting themselves in accordance with the tenants of their religion - who's to say that current behaviour, isn't part of the path to their "awakening." All beings are far more vast than any in the moment snapshot I can glean when I happen to look their way.

I find myself in churches with relative frequency. Sometimes for a short interlude of prayer/contemplation in the midst of a day. I don't consider myself religious. I am drawn to find the truth within the teachings of Jesus - I'm also equally drawn to the teaching found through nature (which I incidentally believe to have been utilized by Jesus himself and Francis of Assisi).

Just last weekend I attended a Taize (singing/chant) gathering - Christian in it's orientation, a circle rooted in Sufi mysticism and a fire circle facilitated by a First Nations elder on a mountain which is part of the traditional lands of the peoples of the valley.

The richness I experienced in terms of the presence of the sacred, heart connection, community/fellowship in each of these gathering and collectively, was truly soul-quenching. I find no reason to exclude any one path, in favour of the others. In fact, my heart yearns for the inclusion of all peoples under one roof; a universal collective - where all are honoured, nobody is left on the outside, each contributes the pearls of their own wisdom and experience - everyone leaves deeply enriched and enlivened.

I'm not even remotely interested in hearing this vision is "unrealistic.." I choose to deal in what is possible. I choose to uphold that which I glean from history's great teachers, leaders, sages. I don't claim that I have entirely overcome myself - which continues to challenge me, to live into the vision that drives me. I simply don't have the heart to leave anyone in the cold. Or alternatively perhaps it could be said I have the heart that values and embraces inclusion.

What do the opening references to numbers have to do with where this post ultimately meandered? Maybe nothing, if direct correlation is your defining criteria. However if one considers that whatever the initial spark of an "idea" was, that it is the launch pad/portal to my written exploration of the mystery - then perhaps you can enjoy the surprises, of the journey as much as I do when I'm writing them.

If not, well thanks for coming by anyway! Please come again!