Why am I such a misfit?
I am not just a nitwit.
You can't fire me, I quit.
Since I don't fit in..
Why am I such a misfit?
I am not just a nitwit.
Just because my nose glows
Why don't I fit in?
...... The immortal lyrics of my childhood from "Rudolph the Rednose Reindeer"
They might as well have been my own lament, plea, bewilderment, as a child. My nose didn't glow - but do to the beating it took, breaking my falls as I learned to walk (so I was told) an unfortunate incident involving gravity and me hanging from my knees (again my face was there to break the fall (& and the nose) and then 3 sinus surgeries - I had the classic "Roman nose" (as in, roaming all over my face).. i
This was just one facet of my early life education with alienation. My being adopted, and the only "Anglican" in a Catholic school all combined to make me a target of humiliation, scorn, and bullying
Fast forward to Christmas 2018 which happens to fall in the midst of my processing life, and grieving for real. It's not all day every day, but it would seem for now, it's ongoing. Elements of it would be quite "personal," many would be more universal in scope - all have in common, that a great deal of my life, was spent not allowing it (grief) the light of day.
The lyrics of the song referenced here, reflect so much pain from my early life, that was not allowed to be expressed. I couldn't understand the cruelty and internalized that it must be "all my fault." I stuffed it and stuffed it and stuffed it - until at thirteen I discovered alcohol which initially was "nectar of the God's," but eventually went on to become my "achilles heel." All that pain had to go somewhere. To a very large extent through my "recovery" from addictions, I have vacillated from new and creative ways to disassociate from my pain and, punishing myself with all different forms of life choices... To be sure there has been measured progress in other aspects of my life.
This is by no means my first sober Christmas - but with my "feelings" being in such close proximity, Christmas itself was proving to be it's own conundrum.. I have no immediate family. I had no design or intention on spending vast sums of money - I've run that gamut at anytime of year, without the need for Christmas to be the excuse.
I spontaneous attended a performance with a friend of one of "Victoria's Premier Choirs" - my mood swings bled into the occasion .. I can only hope, not at the cost of her enjoyment. The performance (entry by "donation") draws the kind of crowd I would judge as being "sophisticated" - at least by their own estimation and their being, more interested in the status of having attended than anything else. I didn't care about any of that (though I recognized one of the choir members from another "community" I have recently been exploring.. I didn't know anything about the choir, the fellow narrating the story, the director (unlike some guy sitting beside me that felt it necessary to regale all his company with his knowledge of it all - as he had been to "previous performances." With all of that "pomp & circumstance" - (pretence & judgment), much of which would need to include my own, it seemed the least favourable place that I be overtaken by my heart & emotions.. However, my heart will have it's own way where, "Silent Night" is concerned...
Today (Christmas day) I was resonating with "Charlie Brown's" combination of, lack of understanding and meaning of Christmas & some latent self-pity; but noticed I no longer feel a stayed position of jaded and cynicism.
I was reminded this a.m. of an event in town in a local church hall; a mid-day Christmas dinner, put on by the "Recovery Community." I decided that was where I was going. Welcome there, is not complicated, beyond a willingness to walk through the door.
I decided to walk into town ... because my general wellness, calls for some fresh air and exercise. Along the way I was praying (to/with Jesus) a relationship with him and his consciousness represents a facet of my current spiritual path - I haven't at all sorted what that means with respect to institutions that claim to act in his name & his behalf - I come in and around some of them, because at least there is some reference, discussion etc. of his teaching (as opposed to other environments that renounce anything to do with him) I spend more time in the contemplation of Christ consciousness which doesn't necessitate "the church." I have no need to identify as a "Christian" (partly because it's a catch-all label that is vastly different to different people) and partly because affiliation is useless to me... if I can't find something within any spiritual path, that is applicable, where the tires meet the pavement... I'm not interested in "brand anything.."
I have no problem exploring this avenue along with a continued resonance from various sources.
So I'm turning over the various feelings etc. I'm aware of in my heart, and, asking to have Christmas made meaningful - pretty much now!
That's when I came across the first "sign" (the first picture) as I was walking. Hearts and stars in the form of interwoven crosses within concentric circles .... all meaningful to me (and that's the thing with "signs" - they need be meaningful to the one seeking; the same sign might be meaningless or represent something completely different to someone else....
Not far from where I saw that, in a hollow in the ground beneath the base of a tree; was a fellow lying in the midst of all his belongings..... Christmas morning this, is his situation.... I walked a little beyond and realized immediately what was necessary...
I came back around (already I had some money from my wallet - before arriving, no point in flashing the sum total - that would be what I would deem "idiotic compassion," as in, I put myself at risk to "help someone else)..
He was snoozing so I gently called to him from a position of out of reach... I know enough to know, you don't wake someone on the streets from a sound sleep while within arms reach - they may well be startled "awake," and come up swinging...
I was aware that I didn't want to assault his dignity, yet despite the spectrum of feelings etc. that are my journey etc. for fuck sake - I'm not lying in hole; with the sum total of my stuff, strewn around me!!!
I asked him if he was going to be able to get anything to eat today - he indicated that he could "probably get to the street kitchen" I gave him the $20.00 and wished him well...
He told me that he had just undergone a rough couple days ... "I over slept, and someone stole my bike and some of my other stuff..."
"Well I said, I recognize what I've done is not much ... but maybe it will help some.."
"It's definitely a turn for the better," he said..
I was reminded as I walked away... "Where there is despair ... let me sow hope..."
I'm going to suggest that it doesn't matter if it's my despair or his - "sowing hope" would seem to be the answer.....
The second picture "sign/symbol" is again significant to me (specifically both today and within my spiritual path) there it was embossed right in the sidewalk..... (might have meant something else to someone else at the time the concrete was wet - might be, that it was left there, with the very meaning I associated it with).... doesn't matter - thousands of times I have walked that block, and never seen it before today....
I got further into town and stopped to talk to two other guys that are familiar faces on the streets.....
The jacket I was wearing with a "harley" crest led to a conversation with one fellow about bikes and riding ... him having lost his in an accident....
Then he told me about the dinner I was heading for..... his buddy left and we began to walk toward the dinner together....
I asked whether his friend was not going to attend the dinner... he said no, he was likely off to get some "slosh" and go to it.... "I'm two weeks dry," his says to me. I commended him, as we continued; two weeks is like a lifetime when first sobering up!!! (not a guaranteed turn-around but - many don't make it at all)...
We reached a street corner well before the destination and he was aiming in another direction... I asked what about the dinner, he replied he was heading for "the church" to do some pan-handling...
I fished around and came up with $40.00 and wished him well....
To be clear here, I am no "saint," I just don't happen to know what various forms hope might take and I certainly believe everyone deserves some.. Today's experience reminds me there is a direct reduction in my suffering, when I recognize that of others, as being at least as important as my own.
I arrived at the dinner... The hall was full... "Volunteers" were joyously serving, couple of different people took turns playing the piano... I saw various people I recognized from the least pretentious of Victoria's stratified community.... What a rag-tag collection of humanity .... strangely and instantaneously, I experienced myself as just another "mis-fit" and somehow a basket ball court size room full of us .... seemingly "fit.."
I fit nowhere & everywhere.....
I exchanged greetings with a couple of different guys I recognized from years ago in recovery.. What a marvel ... here we all were, still "alive" - that never was a given (I suppose no more, is it now)
I offered a few different times to spell off someone in the serving line... I was assured it was covered...
I hung around .... a little chit chat, some banter - learned something about oranges and circulation...
Throughly enjoyed the camaraderie and complete lack of pretence ..... people that have had the complete shit kicked out of them (multiple times) might well stand, as some of the finest examples of humanity.
I continued to hang about.... listening to the music... thanked the piano player and recognized this soire had an "scheduled end time" which would mean a mass clean up..... I haven't forgotten "gratitude" is an action word... I know that there never is, "too many" volunteers at these functions...
So I helped break down the tables and stack them away.
They were giving away brand new pairs of heavy socks with some toiletries at the door... I don't need them, but I took one anyway, to give to someone else on the way home.
I walked some after leaving the dinner venue, and came to a bus stop and decided I'd hop on when the bus arrived for the trip back to my neighbourhood.. There was a fellow that had attended another dinner and had a shoe box full of stuff that he "didn't want" - I can't carry all this shit around!!!" he offers me this beautiful winter hat... I offered him in exchange the warm socks - he was happy to have some new socks & I have someone in mind for the hat .. win-win.
Over a couple of busking sessions last week I made over $80.00 (which I gave away today... along my travels) I can make more another time - it only comes my way through the generosity of others anyway!!
And lest I forget, at Christmas time as well as any other time of year - "you have to give it away in order to receive it..."
R. O'Neill (December 25, 2018)
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