Present and Accounted For.....

I wonder, how much time do I have left "on the dirt ball." There where many years when I couldn't have cared less and I lived accordingly. Of course some percentage could be attributed to the erroneous sense of immortality, that is youth. Still through employing the tenants of the "examined life" I realize I carried what might be considered more pain than is typical for a young child. Choosing to mitigate that pain through what became addiction created a dynamic tension between oblivion and fanning the flames of the existing pain while digging the hole ever deeper.

I'm not in such a big hurry to "get off or out" anymore - though I currently wonder if the pain that had me looking to "break on through" in some melodramatic, cataclysmic, grandiose manner was ever really mitigated or did I just "buy in" - hook, line and sinker to a societal story that would still posit success, sobriety, spirituality outside myself. Proof of it attainment the trappings of the material world.

How much of the "work" I've done around healing has been directed at the roots - how much represented the veneer. How much forwarded the journey, how much was a distraction and/or was utilized to shore up a nebulous identity in an attempt to provide form (which of course doesn't ensure substance).

It no longer matters to me that I am awash in a world of addiction - it is perpetuated in chronic superficiality, distraction, denial and disassociation every way I turn. I'm powerless to affect any change for anyone else - it's not my business what people eat, drink, stick in their arm, (or up their ass) over-spending, compulsive internet, addiction to rage ... the list is infinite actually. The unlimited power of creativity can most certainly be hijacked to imagine, a new way to numb-out. I can only do anything about my addiction and it's no consolation whether others around me carry on with theirs.

I think of the time I have spent on social media... I didn't want anything to do with it, not so very long ago. When I heard about it, I couldn't imagine what the point was. Then I met some extended family and they suggested I sign up "to keep in touch." And so it began..... There is the occasional keeping in touch, the odd time a brief connection with someone in another part of the world ... then there is "the abyss..."

I convinced myself of the value of some of the "inspirational articles," posts - both that I have read and posted, sometimes what I have offered is some sort of information - sometimes just something humorous and others just plain shite.

I need to be more discerning - I certainly need to refrain from engaging in "discussions," text message is no way to discuss anything - nothing is taken in context, there is no opportunity to seek clarity, before responding ... missing entirely is body language, vocal inflection (heart and soul ). I can ill afford the time, nor the aggravation.

I typically post things that have some sort of resonate theme (for me) in addition I will sometimes add some sort of personal reflection. I'm not trying to change anyone's point of view. I know for me I sometimes get something further to consider through these posts. Trying to reach understanding through text is fruitless (it can be challenging enough in person). I'm never going to agree with everything that others are trying to present as truth. Many won't agree with my point of view. I believe my policy will become, I will consider what someone has said - take what I need & leave the rest - and most importantly, detach from the need to enter the "debate." There is no expansion attained, no healing, no mutual understanding and often no connection is made, maintained or fostered. It's just lost time.

Will I disappear from Facebook altogether... time will tell. I seek freedom from addiction/compulsive behaviour - if I can utilize social media in a measured useful fashion, so be it, if not then, it's got to go.

R. O'Neill (February 28, 2019)