My Heart's Manifesto

On this day (March 29, 2019) I declare the end to my apologizing for my life (or anything that I've done or not done, during my time here on planet earth). At the very least, I'm invoking a statute of limitations on the need to judge, condemn, criticize or vilify anything of myself. I would further submit there never was just cause (nor was it ever "effective") to do so - but I cannot wrong myself for what I didn't know.

I have done innumerable "moral inventories" (most of which carried the supposition that I was immoral and innately flawed) the "jury of my peers" considered this to be a "life sentence," which carried with it a life long punishment. 

My position on that now - Fuck that!

I had internalized this self-admonishment - so it was (seemingly) the most natural thing for me to absorb the abuse of others (which they continued to project rather than deal with themselves) because of course at some level I believed I deserved it.... 

I do not and will not, accept anything further of the sort (from anyone, myself included).

I have sat in rooms where it was suggested that I should be on my knees begging for forgiveness for the rest of my life (for such things as: being male, being a white male) as such it has been suggested that I have inordinately created and benefitted from partriarchy, the state of the world (environment, wars, poverty, violence) to hear it told I've single-handedly generated it all and perpetuate it....

I will not spend my life on my knees (certainly not to serve the capricious judgment of others) 

In terms of direct amends I am current and up to date (I have cleaned my side of the street - owned and been responsible for myself) if there are those that still find it necessary to harbour ill-will or resentment toward me, that is their's to carry - it has nothing further to do with me.

In terms of my place in humanity and more generalized ways I am in the world (in relation to others) I continue to actively put considerably energy and attention to my own ongoing healing and growth as such I walk a path of living amends and expanding consciousness.

I've made countless mistakes throughout my lifetime...  I'm apt to make some more before I lay my head down on the pillow later tonight... But I will no longer give over the power of "forgiveness" to those to whom, it doesn't belong in the first place. 

Go ahead whomever you might be.... "throw the first stone," which will signify you have lived without error, misguided judgment and behaviour, you've never hurt ANYONE - never uttered a racist or sexist comment, never used or taken advantage of someone, lied or manipulated, looked down on someone, excluded someone, shamed someone, been physically or emotionally abusive.....

I have done all these things at one time or another........

I'm not going to waste time or space with exhaustive rationalizations for any of it.... 

It has been so - end of story!

Today, I strive to continue to live into being, the best possible version of myself.

Which means I let go of judgment for my unconsciousness - I take a step toward a more complete forgiveness, love and compassion for myself; while I cast the same net toward others.

I haven't attained an ever present unconditional love and acceptance for myself - that continues as a "work in progress."

As the world is so given to "judging books by their covers..." 

I present as:

- Caucasian

-Male

-Shaved head

-Piercings

-Tattooed

- 15 year history of alcohol and drug addiction

-32 yrs. clean and sober

-God knows how much time spent in some other form of compulsive disconnection

- used the word God in a sentence (I must be "one of those people..."

I alternate modes of transportation:

Walking

Cycling

Public Transit

Harley Davidson

Compact hatch-back car

Each of these gives rise to a different set of assumptions, prejudices and judgments...

None of them define who I am.........

To many I will never earn the right to clemency 

None of them would consider:

That the same guy:

Has more than once:

- Randomly given money away to people on the street

- Given money to absolute strangers online for whom a personal tragedy was made worse by financial barriers.

- once delivered a singing birthday "telegram" to a young women home alone in her wheel chair.

- volunteered in a number of community environments 

- supported local artists

- picked up random garbage

- saved earth worms from frying in the sun

- cried at the site of an uprooted tree or at the sight of a animal that has been harmed

I could go on but I won't - the point is none of these (strictly speaking, defines the entirety of who I am either).

My intention is to aim neither to seek my approval, acceptance or forgiveness from anywhere outside myself.

For this I am responsible.

R. O'Neill (Mar. 29, 2019)