To Keep it Real ... It Must First be Real.

As there has never been a "norm" with respect to the form my writing takes, it might be redundant to query whether today's opening ritual will become the new "standard."

Maybe it's the "training wheels" that will go on to become part of my preparation without being included in the text.

For today - Upon arriving at the top of a seemingly endless spiral staircase I arrive at a formidable door. This in itself implies to me that entry cannot be taken for granted. As if this weren't enough there is a burly sentry posted at the door.

Clearly there will be no entry without his approval.

"Will I be allow to pass?"

"What is your business here?" "State your intention!"

"I believe I've got something to say.." 
"I want to write ...." 
"I think I'm pretty good at it"

"Oh you do, do you!!"
"Well the thing is you "think" a great deal..."
"You can write that stuff" from right here..."
"You don't need to go down there.."
"If all you are going to do, is write about what you think, then off with you"
"Beyond this door is no place for your charades and shenanigans.."
"I will not let you pass, unless you can promise to drop the performance and tell the truth!"

"Alright I promise...."
"Enough already..."
"The truth...." 

"Drop the story, quit beating around the bush...."
"Forget the image management....."
"You are familiar with the truth right???"

"Yes, yes.... of course I am..."

"I wasn't so sure, given the dance around the truth that is so often your habit....."

"I promise to be honest..."

"Alright then... you will be allowed to pass - this time..."
"Keep in mind, your access can be denied again at anytime..."

"You don't just represent you and your ideas about life"

"There are many voices waiting to be heard..."

"But only if you can show up and reflect them with integrity and authenticity....."

"If you continue to hide in that head of yours, lying to yourself and those you are being entrusted to represent ... their voices will fall silent again..." "They won't tolerate betrayal nor being abandoned"
Their trust is not lightly given, nor easily regained......"



How many miles then, have been traversed, while clad in a victim's attire. How many times has the unconsciously familiar anguished lament been resurrected, only to nail myself to the tree once again? It always ends that way.... by it's very nature, it must end that way!! (in a somebody's been doing me wrong song...)

"I'm not welcome here!" How can I even begin to say that, given: in over a lifetime, how much of me actually showed up?  How much of my uncensored, unadulterated, genuine self was ever allowed to attend. If I never fully (or even partially) entered a room (ever) how could "I" possibly be, "unwelcome."

I abandon my truth, my feelings stuffed so deep, I can't even find them; massaging the dialogue, hyper-vigilant to the recipients responses.. ("what do they want to hear," "what upsets them", what is likely to get me rejected entirely) 

"Look at me.... pay attention to me..... see me.." "No, no - don't look that close!" 
"If you really saw me, you would be repulsed..."

"I have hurt myself, so much with my lies...." "half-truths," disingenuous behaviour -at times complete and utter self-abandonment or sabotage.

There was never any shortage of "evidence" to support my victim story - if there were ever a shortage I could readily generate more.

Why the facade, the glad-handing and "people-pleasing?"

Convinced from the depths of my being of the innate flaws of my being - I believed that the truth of who I am could never see the light of day or I would invariably be rejected. I desperately wanted love and approval. I looked outside of myself for love (in as many different illusory forms as imaginable) - all the while never believing I'd find it - even when someone expressed love I would deny it or push it away.

A vast array of ways of being, parts of my own humanity, I utterly rejected within myself - holding it all with disdain and self-contempt.

Frankly at times, I've been a "terrorist" in my own life.

Enough ....it has been more than enough & has gone on long enough!!

I invite and welcome all of me to join me at the table. What has it been to have lived a lifetime the sum total of a young life that was marred by beliefs that he wasn't wanted in his first family that was told outright in his "adopted family" that he was the cause of all the upset and angry feelings - that "life would have been so much better without kids!!"

So much pain as to warp the personality, send my heart and soul into exile; a learned victimhood and mastery of the art of manipulation and control to ensure my survival. This young boy needs my deepest compassion and love, understanding and empathy. The rest of my life, must be dedicated to ensuring he never feels that terror of being alone in the world again. That he is never again subject to being shamed, ridiculed and humiliated. That he is loved unmeasurably and unconditionally. That he is valued and that both he and what he has to say, matters.

How can I ever feel welcome, that I belong - as long as I continue to deny myself?

There will be no "being comfortable in my own skin until all of me is welcome to reside there.

The time is now & it begins with me.

R. O'Neill (April 13, 2019)