Approaching "The Golden Years..." - Fuck that!!

All things remaining equal, in a little more than two weeks, I'll be turning sixty! For those of you that have already reached and exceeded this milestone, this of course is "water under the bridge," and of no significance. The major distinction is, that it is happening to me!

There has been quite a run-up to this pending occasion... yes, right you are "Mr. Wizard," some fifty-nine years!! some of the smart-alecks in the crowd might quip.

However the time I'm referring to is framed by a period of time that evades me, some now nebulous yesterdays, that has been obscured by either my increasing moment to moment presence (subsequently I'm then so completely ensconced in the here & now that I can't remember shit about what happened previously) or I'm just plain losing my mind.

At any rate some time ago I realized damn I'm "too young to feel this damn old.." a combination of personal circumstances combined and conspired to render my previous fitness level into what could have been utilized as the quintessential "before" photo. I won't go into the details - mostly because no one gives a rat's ass, suffice to say there had been too much of somethings and not nearly enough of others.

Upon taking note of my declined functioning - I thought, "fuck this," and proceeded to revamp my lifestyle. I would love to say this time it's for keeps, however, I won't be so smug or pretentious. Today I'm motivated to be mindful of my wellness - I'm not so arrogant, that I will suppose to sustain model excellence.

Here's what I know, I'm not going to become a lab rat for Pfizer et al - once again, fuck that! I will do everything in my power to reverse the decline and sustain my wellness naturally - if that doesn't work then, I will break on through, the same way.

I recently visited a Naturopathic doctor - (previous to this visit my diet etc. had already undergone some significant changes) of course there were still those harbingers of my compulsions; that were stamped for expulsion, now that the visit has occurred. In case you haven't availed yourself to one of these very comprehensive health professionals, Naturopath (loosely translated) means: "Supreme Remover" (something like Ganesh - no not in appearance, I don't want any misunderstanding of my meaning)... Ganesh of course is the "remover" of obstacles - this is fitting. At first one might think that which is being removed, is the very enjoyment of life. While actually to be restored to wellness and vitality is a genuine gift, therefore to "remove" the barriers to that, is a most worthwhile pursuit, in my estimation.

I already had attained continuity with the gym and a morning stretching and meditation time. Now I can not only touch my toes (though still a little tight) I can see them too!

We are operating on the premise that my digestive tract needs renewal. I thought I was just working at developing my own natural gas alternative to fossil fuels. Turns out yes Rob you are advancing in age, and no - that much gas is not "natural." Probably just as well, maybe by Autumn, this will all be made right and I won't then need to worry, about attending any Samhain bonfires and blowing myself and any in near proximity, into orbit.

So now, some foods to now exclude, a variety of digestive enzymes and probiotics now occupy space on my counter and are to take up residence in my colon (easily consumed with apple sauce) Fuck I'm getting supplements in apple sauce now! This is a far cry from the vision I had decades ago, of being ushered off the rock; in a haze of sex, drugs and rock & roll...

That didn't happen .... I began to seek the spiritual answer to my addictions, thirty years later I discovered I was addicted to the spiritual answer - as well as food, exercise, the internet, spending money...... (but for the love of God... I stayed sober!!!)

The whole thing has taken my head from out of my ass, and force-fed me my humanity and maybe a smattering of fucking humility......

I frequently am visited now, by the repressed grief (that was exiled so many years ago) which collides with tears of joy and wonderment - time will tell whether a "Spiritual awakening," is underway or just a garden variety "nervous-breakdown.." - again, who give a shit?? Unless I sold a million copies of "7 ways to turn your nervous breakdown into your dream lifestyle".....  Then  wouldn't the masses sit up and take notice.. Mercenary bastards!!

An overriding want, nay demand, for authenticity now dogs my every breath.... I spend considerably less time now on Facebook anyway (no there's nothing "wrong" with social media - it just happens to be one of the myriad of ways I've attempted to "numb out.." anyway the other day, I was deleting shit and mowing through people like an assassin. I "answered the call...." at some points in time - naively thinking that people actually wanted to "be my friend" - great I thought, the 21st century version of "pen-pals" - well that didn't happen! More names were amassed, as I worked at getting word of my book - "out there." That may have marginally worked, but - I look at all those names, some of which I have actually exchanged a chat or two with - many that don't give me the time of day, unless I reach out first ( again & again) .... Not anymore!!!

The naturopath wants me to have a regular physical exam (and associated blood work)... never had one of those - I guess I'll need to drop into some random clinic; apparently my G.P. retired I was told through a chance meeting with a childhood friend... No thanks for the memories (or the shares of the payments made on my BMW that your visits provided) - frankly, no we closing the practice, here's the names of other GP's accepting patients... who knows even what became of my medical records..

Anyway I wasn't particularly a frequent flyer - I always felt she was overly-fond of unnecessary diagnostic misery, so I didn't go much..

In a way I envy those that have such unbending convictions about some avenue of spirituality or another (even though I think their full of shit...) I still seek the "Spiritual answer...." for myself

I plan to spend less time reading what every Tom, Dick and Harry have to say (those were the less well known apostles..) maybe move to a small beach community and - tune-out, turn off, and unplug.....

I am no stranger to suffering and human angst..... that said, likely no more than anyone else.. Still mine, is my responsibility.. So I respect the views beliefs of others - I will not follow you anywhere and I certainly won't bow to what you believe in... I will bow, to the right to bow to whatever you choose!

So if you find yourself "unfriended," - don't take it personally (or do) I can't see the point of thousands of dormant names, on thousands of lists, on dozens of social media, upon which nobody says anything, to anybody.

If you have special request to be de-listed "personal message" me - I'll give you a special send off. I'll light a candle, as I return your name to its rightful residence.

As I sit here now I consider "60" might well be the portal to my becoming an "instrument of thy peace...."

But it's entirely possible, that I need to purge a whole lot of Piss and Vinegar first!

R. O'Neill (August 13, 2019)