Work with depressed men and their partners has convinced me that men’s much-vaunted fear of women and of intimacy is really not a fear of either. What men fear is subjugation. In the one up/one down, better than/less than, hierarchical world of traditional masculinity, one is either in control or controlled. Vulnerability, openness, yielding to another’s wishes-many of the requisite skills for healthy relationships- can be experienced by men as invitations to be attacked. Men’s fear of entrapment, of female engulfment, is not really about women at all. It is a transposition of a male model of interaction to the living room and the bedroom. When men fear that their women will “engulf” them, they fear that their women will act like men.
Terrence Real - from his book: "I Don't Want to Talk About It - Overcoming The Secret Legacy of Male Depression"
The labyrinthine inquiry into some of the puzzles of my life, which naturally include the sometimes dumb-founding quandaries, of the human condition; also must include at times, this exploration be under-taken ,through the lens of gender male - given that is my "assigned" gender. And, though I haven't gone out of my way to present as such, I suppose, that is what has shaped some of my worldview. I came to know of the book cited in the intro, through an avenue of Men's focused work.
I'm not writing here now, under-taking to speak universally for men - but rather, representing through my experience, the voice of this man.
There is now available, an ever growing body of knowledge, that would echo the observations and suppositions, of the opening statement. It is not my intent therefore to spend anytime upholding its veracity.
What I know without a shadow of doubt, when I read the above, about 40 mins. before beginning this post, it was like tumblers aligning in a lock - the sense of the truth of it for me, was undeniable. I knew it in my marrow.
It was one of those "aha" moments, that might well be life-changing for me, though when I step out the door tomorrow, I will appear unchanged to the world around me.
These are by many accounts, highly transformational times, the indicators of numerology (and the fact we have now entered a "New decade" astrology (full moon along with eclipse, new moon pending) even meteorological anomalies; it snowed in Victoria for God-sake!!
Personal work of my own, is seeing the "weeding of the garden" of my very early past - with an eye toward harvesting the very best of that, to be tilled into the garden of my present and future life. There are big changes coming! I don't know all the details, but it is my intention, to push out into various new directions... there is no assurance of what exactly that will yield, but I'm going to learn something.
It is through those eyes, that I read the above, and recognized the power of what was being presented therein, to transform my relationships. Is that going to happen just through the mere reading of it. No, not necessarily. For one thing, I'm not currently in a relationship. But in reading it - instantaneously, it became superimposed upon a vision of all of my past relationships (which of course would include the one with myself) & I could suddenly see, possibility that had never occurred to me before.
What if, I wasn't pre-supposing (if even unconsciously) that there was this "engulfment" lying in wait, around every corner? It could spell the coming of an inner armistice, a disarming of the warheads!!
I realize this idea doesn't just "erase" past trauma in the blink of an eye, but nor does avoidance of (or fearing) intimacy. There is to me, a hopefulness in having a particular programming be made visible. This might not be the "magic bullet" - but it offers to me, a significant facet of "know thyself."
As I am writing this from the perspective of personal revelation and accountability; I won't speak at all, to the specific real or imagined, "control" energies of anyone else, other than to say, they do occur.
I also generally don't know specifically who reads these blogs of mine. So in that regard, this isn't the forum, to make amends to anyone in particular. However, when I consider the way the above conditioning, as played out through my specific persona in the world - it becomes clear to me, I owe amends to a great many people, that I have encountered in my life time.
On the one hand, I didn't know what I didn't know, until I did. Just the same, I feel some sadness around how this has impacted my Interactions; and resolve toward, a continued responsibility and accountability, in my relating and relationships.
R. O'Neill (January 15, 2020)
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