"What do ya mean Know Myself??" "What you see is what you get - nothing more, nothing less..." "How can I help but "know me," - I am after all ME, who would know me better than me?
If one does decide to venture down that road of self-discovery, it is soon realized, there's more to this (me) than meets the eye; & maybe, I won't be done, in time to go to lunch.
What is it that "I" believe? How were those beliefs formed? Do I still believe them? Do I have to forego them, because I encounter someone else, that believes something different? How does the culture I live in shape my beliefs? (those about the world I live in..... about myself in that world) If I don't believe, the popular consensus, that my culture holds true, about that which is said to define me, am I then, prepared to walk out the door each day, and in effect, fly in the face, of widely held social agreements, in order to be myself? If I choose conformity, why is that so? What do I gain? What do I lose?
Am I willing to stand up within "my community" and disclose that these popular beliefs hurt me (and perhaps I'm not alone in that...). If in fact I cannot expect to effect change in those around me, what will it take for me to show up as me anyway?
I used to think one "goes along to get along..." or that "go with the flow" or "not making waves" were the necessary ingredients to peaceful living... (all of which made me "easy going..") they are not & it did not (at least this is true for me)... Below these notions were, "fear of conflict," "fear of rejection," "fear of getting hurt," "fear of humiliation," (a vast array of different "voices," the harbingers of a history of trauma in my early life)..... the problem with acquiescence to these fear-ladened voices, was that it leads me to self-abandonment; which has no hope of creating inner peace. But I never would have come to realize, that all this was in operation, without employing some introspection.
If one continually looks outside themselves, for the deciding measure, of what is acceptable; this perpetuates a painful disconnection, from oneself. Also true, if all or most of ones self-assessment, is that of admonishment, self-criticism, self-hatred, endless perfectionism; then living in that skin, will be exceedingly uncomfortable, to say the least.
To muddy the water further, just because someone has this inner world of negativity and poor self-image, doesn't necessarily mean, that their out-ward presentation, is clearly indicative of their inner suffering. Compensatory ways of being, can yield individuals that rise to the top of Fortune 500 corporations - they are among societies "highest achievers." in some cases that angst and rage, is channelled into sports, where it is applauded and richly rewarded. He or she that "gallantly gives their life in the service of their country" might have been suicidal (jump off a bridge, you're a loser - absorb the explosion of a hand-grenade and you're a hero).... dead either way! Of course it is not entirely cut and dried along these lines... I'm not a proponent of war - so it is a stretch for me to discuss, beyond my belief that it is abhorrent and grossly ineffective... However, in the context of a war - I can acknowledge, that there are those that act, with great courage and heroics (albeit, I'm not convinced, they needed to, or should be there, in the first place.
Before I could begin to gain any freedom, from the dysfunction of my early life, I needed to recognize that much that I had "normalized," through my immersion in it - was in fact, patently abusive. Through all the information available these days that unpacks the different forms violence can take, I learn that many of my ways of being (i.e. sarcastic, sometimes passive/aggressive, sometimes just aggressive) are of themselves violent.That they are widely practiced and accepted in the society I live in doesn't do anything for me to grow beyond my own dysfunction. Beyond that, I learn that beliefs I formed about myself, were what would be expected; given what's known about the development of a child's psyche, and how the environment they are in, shape their beliefs. So despite beliefs to the contrary, I wasn't "broken" right from the start. Behaviours, personality etc. were formed, in order to survive in a given environment. They were at that, highly successful.
They don't however serve me in my life ongoing. They don't serve me, or my relationships. They don't serve me in my capacity, to function in the world. If every difference of opinion, or unfounded criticism or even assessment that is intended to be helpful (though every instance of such isn't necessarily automatically a "trigger") lights the fuse, of a cascade of "trauma" responses; & my "reaction," is one that has the intensity, of "fighting for my life..." (a disproportionate response to the given circumstance) this is both, not what I want for my life, and not what I want to bring, to the lives of others.
The exploration of my past is helpful, to understand, how these beliefs and ways of being, came about. There is no further intention, to blame my history or those in it. The ongoing healing work calls for a deepening of personal responsibility (not for what happened) but for the beliefs (mine), feelings, (mine), behaviours (mine). I'm not looking to wrong myself continually anymore - just to recognize, Yup that was what I did, or said...... this doesn't need to look like self-condemnation (what did I need, what was I afraid of, what did I believe was occurring at the time - what do I need to do to clean up my part?)
In honest relating - conflict is inevitable. However, assumptions, presumptions, presuppositions, dragging the past into the present (whether that involves interaction with the same person or someone that I am now "substituting" as the villain from my past - in the current sequel of my movie).... does nothing to resolve conflict... Truth be told it does nothing to sooth the hurt/discomfort in me and more often than not, creates a spiralling back-lash of shame for my behaviour. I can't remember any instance of seething self-righteousness that ever made me feel better. Quite likely because, the unmet needs are still, unmet! The dust settles and nothing has changed, except now there is a great deal more hurt added to whatever the original conflict was.
There is so much more (as Rumi indicated) in the "field that lies, between right and wrong..." So much more to feed the possibility of connection - maybe if only, both "sides" walk away, maintaining the patency of their respective beliefs - but still somehow enriched by the honouring of each other, a new or continued connection, and not having destroyed another soul in a "no holds barred" need to be "right;" then maybe the new "norm" could be one of more consistently seeking understanding instead of "living and dying" (sometimes literally) over who's right & who's wrong.
There is a rich field of communication available to each of us (within ourselves), a life time of learning and understanding, endless layers of nuance and mystery.
This certainly is not the last word. Take a look in the mirror, who do you see? Instead of insisting you know all there is to know about them or impose what you believe to be the absolute unshakeable truth; ask he or she if there's anything they would like you to know about them.
You might be surprised by the answer.
R. O'Neill (February 05, 2020)
No comments:
Post a Comment