Born Free - Live Free!

Yesterday marked a personal rite of passage (in as much as I declare it so), I don't know that it would be recognized beyond that. The end of this summer marks my fifty-sixth year (it's said in some schools of thought that major life transitional markers happen in seven years increments. That would mean I'm on the cusp of the eighth one. If text book indicators of human development are indeed valid, I can't say that I have proceeded "on schedule." However, I believe my soul development is right on track.

For 40 of those 56 years, I have pretty much always owned a car. Getting a driver's license represents quite a leap in terms of responsibility and independence, at least that's the supposition. For young men (& now more so) young women in our culture, this rather nebulous milestone is as close as it gets to any discernible rite. Unlike rites undertaken by young people in other cultures this one, of itself, doesn't necessarily assure maturation or anything in the way of self-discovery. It's coveted by youth that haven't achieved the grail, many parents I suspect, would just as soon delay the inevitable (for reasons of their own).

All this to say, I sold my car yesterday! It has been parked since the end of August last year. As part of reprioritization of finances and a general life reevaluation I had chosen not to drive it, but also decided not to be "hasty" getting rid of it. Since then I have walked, cycled and used public transit. Some ten months later - I'm recognizing, I've been "car-less" this whole time, what do I need it for?

I also became aware of a couple of financial statistics (one some time ago, the other upon the sale of the vehicle). The former I read on the public transit website - apparently "on average" it costs $11,000.00 a year to own & operate a car! I'm thinking, I could direct that sum into a variety of other quality of life directions. They didn't offer a breakdown to itemize this annual cost - obviously that includes insurance, gas and maintenance, perhaps incidentals like parking, and toll roads. I don't know if that would include yearly depreciation, which is part of the latter financial reality I mentioned. The car was gifted to me - almost eight years ago, at that time it retailed for $33,000 some -odd dollars. Now - the equivalent vehicle is listed in used car publications for $8500 -9000) A potential buyer had a pre-purchase assessment done which discovered $4000 odd dollars worth of necessary repairs - so rather than incur that, I sold it to a salvage buyer for $3000.00. Not even 8 years old and it "devalues" $30,0000! If I had purchased the car, in which case I would undoubtedly be making payments - the loan would far outlive the vehicle. I'm not sure I will ever own a new vehicle again. I'm no financial wiz-kid, but that makes no sense to me at all! Why? Why? Why?

As far as I'm concerned that's a couple thousand pound albatross off from around my neck. I'm not going to now jump on the environmental soap box and sing my praises because I'm no longer a motorist. I can't even absolutely say I'll never own some sort of vehicle again one day - but from where I sit right now, the energy exchange required to own & drive a car is not worth it to me.

What then of the association of a man and his car? Well.... I don't know what that represents to others. I'm of course aware of the stereotypes. None of which, do I (or have I ever) fit into. I'm just more comfortable with that now, than at earlier parts of my life. I am not entirely lacking in mechanical aptitude - however my attitude toward it is, I'm not keen. I usually avoid conversations with "car guys" because I'm left in the dust right out of the gate. Where I know considerable detail about my inner landscape & the "human condition" - just fielding questions about my car from perspective buyers illuminated for me - what I don't know, & have very little interest in knowing. I value greatly those that have the knowledge and inclination. While I was getting the car up and running (after it sat 10 months) it died on the road just outside my apartment parking, after having just getting it jump started. The tow truck driver that arrived to get me mobile, was nothing short of an angel. He provided me with some valuable information and presented me with a variety of strategies (& their associated costs) as well as "off the record" info (things he would consider doing if it were his vehicle, but that he wouldn't advocate a customer do, as there was calculated risk and associated company liability) - now, he could have "recommended" the most expensive of options (and given I - or rather my vehicle, was blocking traffic I was potentially the proverbial putty in the hand. I wasn't born yesterday, however given I was in a bit of a bind at the moment and didn't really have time to employ any due diligence with what he was telling me - I had to go with the intuitive path, which I'm happy to report served me well.

Without question I have come to know that I have been "identified" with various ideas, belief systems, jobs and a wide variety of things outside myself that have nothing to do with who I am. This however, would not include my car. There has been cover stories and compensatory persona - but again, the car has never served me in those ways. Though I may have lacked clarity in some areas of my life - a car has never been anything more or less than a tool to me. I appreciate the aesthetics of some of the "classic" cars - though I don't care if I ever own one.

Right now I feel freedom! I attribute this to following what I feel inspired to do, live the experience and be open to where it leads. This is clearly and cleanly what I want right now. I won't keep a car to walk in stride with the "Jones" - I haven't rid myself of one due to guilt or retribution for global warming, climate change, green house gases etc. I am conscious of my connection to the planet - even still, I'm not sure that my abstention from driving has had any baring on the environment. What I can say is it appeals greatly to my sense of conscious simplicity. I'm not convinced that everyone needs to own...... well frankly, so much of what they do. I am intrigued by the idea of more cooperative ventures - sharing. In that vein there are "car share" options - there are also rentals for intermittent need.  Mind you the son of the auto salvage owner that gave me a ride home yesterday after I relinquished my vehicle looked at me like I had a third eye, when I gleefully waxed on about my car-free lifestyle experience/vision. Understandable - it is their livelihood.

Let's face it - I'm not exactly a visionary where this is concerned, yes I'm following my current guidance, but the Amish have been car less for ever.  Though a personal experience, one that I can spin as an example of exploring possibilities, embracing change and sometimes less is more, I don't foresee myself at the bridge of a horse drawn carriage. Of course though not something I gave much thought to - it would not have been that long ago, that I might have said a car is pretty much a necessity!

Tell Me the Way to Go Home

As I was coming out the far side of the park today, on my way to the recreation center, I was surprised to see two chickens walking along the boulevard. Not that I haven't seen chickens before, and I am aware that even some of the municipalities that are largely suburban, allow for the keeping of some feathered livestock - it was just that I had walked that route many times and never seen any before this morning.

I did ask them what they were doing there, though it didn't occur to ask if they could shed light on the road crossing conundrum and besides they seemed content to hang out in the shaded grass. I looked around to see if anyone else was seeing what I was seeing or seeing me seeing what I thought I was seeing; a glance back reaffirmed that what I was seeing, I still saw.

I began down the side street (detouring from my route and intended destination) to see if I could see into any yards near by that might have a pen - reasoning these two were AWOL. Then concern crept in, what if someone sees me looking into yards and thinks I'm up to no good? How does concern for my fine feathered friends and/or their owners, suddenly become misconstrued by me and I know my motives are pure - don't I?

Next it occurs to me - just because this fowl play is occurring in my midst, it doesn't mean they live anywhere in this neighborhood. They could have flown/walked from God knows where! I decided that perhaps the fate of these chickens laid,  somewhere beyond my jurisdiction. I started back toward the recreation center and a women was getting into her car. I asked, "do you by any chance have chickens?" "Because two of them are on a walk-a-bout!"

She answered, "Yes, it's too hot in the coop to keep them there during the day - I hope they don't get lost or chased away." "Thank you for watching out for them - they know how to find their way home." She didn't seem to be the least bit concerned, which I'm not saying is wrong, but I did go away wondering, why I was?

The phrase "they know how to find their way home" continued to ricochet round and about within me, like an arcade pin-ball. It raised the question for me, which I suppose is encapsulated in the adage, "the road to hell is paved with good intentions," when are intentions (good or otherwise) interference? What if, "we" all know how to get home, and "good intentioned" interventions are like on Star Trek - "interfering with the prime directive." I might think I'm helping - maybe even the person "being helped" thinks I'm being helpful - but are they really being helped? If I was driving down the road and picked you up, and when asked, you said "thanks for the lift, I'm heading home," and then I proceeded to take you to my intended destination and then said "glad I was able to help, fare thee well!" I think it could be agreed it wasn't helpful - given the objective was you going home.

What I'm getting at is, not only might good intentions be interfering - they might be conceived entirely based on erroneous assumptions. What a bag of worms that is! On a different tack, but I hope it will be useful to further illuminate my point about assumptions, I was reading an article online the other day. This article had to do with the high incidence of back pain in the western world and how frequently it can go from acute to chronic, the high incidence of surgical intervention which itself, can just as easily create long term problems. The article included pictures of what is always considered to be the "natural" (S-shaped) configuration of the spine. The problem is, in other parts of the world where there is less automation, automobile travel and more manual labour, the curvature at the cervical and lumbar spine is far less extreme. The studies suggested that muscle imbalances, weakness and inflexibility brought on by western living, distorted the natural weight bearing properties of the spine which made it susceptible to injury when called upon to bare a load. How then can, all the various disciplines weigh in on spinal wellness, if all their good intentioned intervention is based on an erroneous model of what constitutes a health spine? It's like to a cosmetic dentist, everyone needs braces!

Tricky business this perceptions and assumptions - what really is going on?

I went to the gym and walked back the same way I had come. Now on the boulevard where I had seen the chickens there was a cat, contently laying in the shade. Did kitty have squab for lunch? I don't know!

What I do know is - "how to find my way home."

It's All Extraordinary!

The sun-soaked amber grass warms both soles and soul. I envision the flowing energy of water as I execute a Qi gong form known as the turtle, whilst in the midst of a Garry oak meadow. At first blush one might ask how is it possible to visualize water surrounded by trees - my answer, it's all energy. I spend considerable time in the company of these trees and while I almost always see some of the more familiar of my standing tall clan, I am delighted and awed by the continuous new discoveries each time I go. As for the energy, to me it is easily recognizable, the same swirls and eddys once observes in the flow of a stream or the current and surge of the tides, can be seen in the grow pattern of the trees. It's there in some of the smallest twigs and branches and can be seen in the overall posture of the tree as it spirals towards the heavens, arms outreaching to accept the ongoing blessing of creation.

It's all there to behold - like wisdom held within the trees, I can learn to find the stillness and then simply watch (& listen) a cirque du soleil - esque extravaganza of life will most certainly become more apparent the more one can learn to pay attention. For example I sat on a rock after meditating and watched as two humming birds were catapulted out of the canopy of an oak tree like they were shot out of a cannon. They went skyward with such velocity, it was outstanding! Incidentally, their aerobatics assumed the same spiral patterns as they joyfully celebrated unencumbered life force energy. Think about it, it serves no practical purpose to do that maneuver - "shortest distance between two points being a straight line" (and all that) done I suspect, simply because they can and for the sheer pleasure of it. Consider the incredible power being harnessed to do that - oh sure they weigh next to nothing, but nonetheless they are generating the power to blast off like that, themselves! Try it, first thing in the morning, from the horizontal orientation of slumber try and launch yourself even upright, never mind airborne. If you're anything like me, the next thing that occurs is the disequilibrium of an all-consuming head rush, followed by a allemande left over some strewn articles of clothing with the finale becoming up close and personal as I kiss off the bedroom wall. I'll grant you it would make great "physical comedy" but might well run a distant second to the pirouetting humming birds.

As I said this meadow is constantly changing (as it remains the same) and is teaching me to appreciate the extraordinary where I may have previously only perceived the mundane. Boredom being the product of the "grasping mind" it can take some time and practice to seek, find and develop any degree of comfort with this stillness. It calls upon one to come to know themselves at depth and the world around them and then to discover the inter-relationship. Though I'm no biologist I seem to recall that during one of my waking moments in high school science, that same spiral pattern exists in the strands of our dna - though the lecture on genetics lulled me into a coma, I'm fascinated (now) with how deep these relationships run and how increasingly the illusory sense of separation vanishes.

I sat on that rock allowing some early morning vitamin D to embrace me sipping the coffee I brought along - how abundant is that?! This meadow is my cathedral - in part because it is only a 15 minute walk from my suburban condo (which faces onto a busy thoroughfare). In just a brief heart expanding stroll, I am literally in another world. I have shared heart and soul with those trees. They and their myriad of occupants willingly share in kind - wisdom and teaching always there for the asking.

As I was preparing to leave - I noticed a cache of empty beverage bottles and cans - I have never gone to the park with the sole intent of "cleaning up" but I do make a point of clearing the energy where the situation calls for it, as I said, this place is sacred to me. What a journey I have walked to go from one that at one point in my life, would have been the one desecrating just such sacred sites. I simply didn't know any better. I now don't hold myself or those that currently practice unconsciousness in contempt. I know the darkness of complete disconnection (even though illusory it can and does feel real, complete and absolute). Nobody awakens through the force of judgment or criticism, I know in my case my unconsciousness ultimately shook me into a state of awakening - I reckon others deserve the dignity of that choice as well.

On my way out of the park I placed the empty bottles and cans on the rim of the garbage can so the "binners" can collect this small windfall and avoid the undignified digging through the can. One of the colourful cans caught my attention - I picked it up to see what was being "marketed" why it was the "tropical delight" of a beer and grapefruit juice blend! Yuk, was my first thought - then I considered who knows, might taste ok - gratefully I will never know. I then marveled at the creative lengths humanity goes to, in order to achieve and maintain unconciousness. Back in my day - the beer choices were warm or cold and I had to walk all the way to science class drinking one or the other!

Strength in Numbers (Even the number One)

"Little pink houses for you and me" sang John Mellencamp. Whether or not his intention, I am interpreting that for the purpose of this piece, as a reference to the societal homogenization that's foisted upon us on so many levels from classrooms to "globalization." This erroneous premise, that if we all lived cookie cutter lives in cookie cutter houses - spread our brand identification all over the planet like some sort of sci-fi movie strain of biological warfare, somehow it would be a safer, more familiar place for everyone. The problem is, who gets to decide what defines this "standard."

As a child I'd have to say, through the 20/20 vision of hindsight, I pretty much succumbed to "peer pressure" and was constantly searching for some sort of external "clue" as to how, "to do life."I don't know how different that makes me (if at all) but as it's not an admission that is widely made and discussed in social circles,  no way to really quantify it's prevalence. Oh sure I made choices and did what I wanted in various scenarios - but as for any sense of "inner guidance" or life strategy that was true to myself, I more made decisions that were reactionary and heavily weighted with resignation. So important was the drive to "fit in" and for love and acceptance, authenticity went quickly by the wayside. It would be quite some considerable time before I had any insight into my "looking for love in all the wrong places (which I have come to understand now as being anywhere, outside of myself).

This external versus internal love, validation and inner guidance presents an alternative framework from which to live, beginning with the dissolving of the indoctrination to be externally and intellectually (mind) oriented. I am finding myself in an ongoing inquiry as to how this works for me with respect to connection within groups of people. I am rather content in my own company (which in itself is a gift of my personal journey) I acknowledge that though some of my most valued time is solitude, I am not necessarily aspiring to isolate entirely. (though it has a certain allure at times).

I rather naively thought that in circles, those that at least, part of the focus is people doing their respective personal growth work, there would be an atmosphere of openness and respect to the views and path of the individual. Not necessarily true I'm discovering. Even in circles/community where it is touted that there is no particular dogma - many in fact renounce any path that "they" consider to have such tenets. Closer examination and personal experience informs me that there can still exist within these  "communities,"intolerance to unique expression and inquiry is not necessarily embraced, in fact in some cases it is vehemently discouraged. I suppose if the process to greater authenticity and connection to self were likened to strengthening a muscle, then the continued practice of checking in to see what resonates would greater develop a reliance and trust of ones ability to decide for themselves. I do wonder though, at what point does finding oneself in conflict with the widely held suppositions of a given group is there something else going on with regard to continued attendance. Do I unconsciously suppose I'm going to change the group conscience? Attempt to validate myself by making them "wrong." Am I upholding previously unconscious unworthiness, lack of belonging and self-rejection by staying in an environment where the energy of rejection is continually reflected to me. If this were the case then the self-loving acknowledgement and acceptance of me, could look more like moving on. Not with a "screw you all" attitude, but rather one of honouring my path and the path of others.

The pain of rejection is very real - I would say the recognition of that rejection which has resided within me, toward me, was a significantly painful acknowledgment. Prior to that, as with so many other "problems" I was convinced they were sourced outside of me. But, at the same time this new awareness began the expansion of empowerment, as I began to heal this long standing relationship with rejection. The mistaken belief that love and approval need come from sources outside me, took me out of the victim seat and directs me back toward the need to establish, maintain and nurture connection with myself.

The irony of this idea that all people within a particular group are or need to be "like-minded" is, that the original "recipe" (if you will) for personal transformation offered in many of the world's holy scriptures was not intended to homogenize it's followers and certainly not to pit them against those that held a different perspective. I would say, offered within them, is the means to transcend the base survival instincts, which on the one hand are useful for continued life, that makes ongoing evolution possible. Over reliance on these survival mechanisms becomes a deterrent to this evolution when difference is seen as a direct threat to this survival and a source of continual conflict.

What if there were too much complexity to this human condition to afford any one group the complete picture. So different sub-groups of humanity were given a particular piece of the puzzle to embrace and evolve with. However for there to be harmony overall -  representatives from all the paths would need to come together offering the best of their path and instead of arguing over who had the right answer, time and energy would be focused upon how the best of the best would be woven together to create something that worked for everyone. The point then would be not to perpetuate conflict, but to hold a vision of collaboration and universal benefit. No more concern for power over, no longer do singular groups devote their lives to self interest but to the co-creation, the correct use of the power given to everyone. Power to create rather than power to destroy. How can it possibly be continually held, that the point is for everyone to destroy all that are not like them. I don't see that any one group could possibly hold the key to how people all over the planet are supposed to live their lives. It seems to me to make more sense that a solution that works best for all, would be created by a collective process that values everyone equally and leaves no one behind.

There can be a cost to ones self through the over-reliance on "belonging" to these various manifestations of group-mind. It seems to me a tricky "row to hoe" some groups for example place emphasis on their providing its participants a "community" or a "family" The terms conjure imagery of a warm, caring, supportive, welcoming environment while it is just as possible that various forms of dysfunction exist within, some you might discover mirror the same dysfunction you thought only existed in your family of origin. To be fair all that goes on in various forms of collectives is not negative, having said that, many don't look to the strengths and innate wisdom of the individuals, instead they rely on the "strength in numbers" rationalization and continually call those coming through the door to conform.

If I were someone that is feeling alone in the world, without community or sense of family then the allure of these illusory pseudo-facsimiles might just scratch me right where I itch. The problem lies, in that the group doesn't want me for me, they are continually looking to bolster the collective, as new comers are groomed to walk in step. So to "get along - one goes along" in some cases all the way to the rejection of other groups that are not "going along."

In my humble opinion, the world does not need anymore divisiveness. We as humanity are already divided by gender, sexuality, socio-economic status -(employed/unemployed), science/spirituality (further rifts created within different branches of science and religion) ageism, ethnicity, cyclists/ motorists/ pedestrians, politics, environmentalists/developers, war & peace.

There is a fine line between my so blindly pursuing my beliefs and opinions that I exclude entirely those of others. Once I have vilified someone that I am presenting as "opposing" me, it's a slippery slope toward the lengths I can go, to ensure they know they are "wrong." My experience with self-exploration is that upon digging deep enough, I recognize that within self is the whole - so that where there previous seemed to exist a "hole" I discover I am part of everything and everything is part of me. Seen from this perspective one can no longer so readily jump on bandwagons that are about the exclusion of others. Genocide - racial cleansing and such forms of pathological self-righteousness have (I believe) at their roots, this inability to find within, the sense of self-love and belonging, it is therefore looked for from the group and then the fear of reprisal from not acquiescing within the group, becomes the motivating energy for compliance.

Nothing it would seem, can replace that inner compass and what it connects to - which I'm suggesting is, themselves, and humanity as a whole  I also believe at depth we are spiritual beings and are connected to far more than meets the eye. It is this interconnectedness that doesn't preclude individual expression however it does start to give rise to choices if one considers themselves as part of the whole and the whole part of themselves. Then it is no longer just, "their problem." If "we" continue to operate from "right/wrong" and "win/lose" points of view, how can the whole ever benefit?

I'm not about to insult the intelligence of the reader by suggesting that the idea, because a great many do, think and behave a particular way, that makes it the truth is a revelatory statement that I'm now introducing you to. I will ask knowing this is true - how often and in what ways, do you participate in the status quo in different areas of your life? Why?

Our very own parents (or for sure mine) asked us, tongue in cheek - if "so and so" climbed up on their roof and jumped off are you going to go and do that too? Then in another breath they're preaching the virtues of "common sense." (like what everyone says and does is how it is) Though dripping in sarcasm and a mixed messages at best, when considered against the backdrop of their own incongruent behaviour, is it possible, that they were acting as a voice for an elevated transcendent consciousness? Was it a direct challenge to me to find my authenticity even in the fog of familial programming and agreements? Had they by then, given up on their own realization of a better way of being and now were goading me to take a stand, rather than find myself mired in a quagmire of compromise and following the herd." They knew the pain of this for sure, could have chosen differently but they didn't. Still all these years later I'm clear that whether I agree with the delivery, there is no denying that the content of some of their message has been shaping me all along. For all I know they are now the source of these very ideas - feeding them to me from beyond the veil, now that they have passed over. If time in some respects is meaningless then it doesn't matter that some of these teachings were lost on me during my youth, yet even still the seeds were planted - who's to say when the correct time would be for germination and fruition. As I completed that thought just now, it is 9:24 p.m. Wednesday May 27, 2015 - must be the right and perfect time on my schedule.

I have shared time on my path with many great people not one of them can walk it for me, nor know which is my fork in the road. The same could be said about my knowing of their path. I know that I come to know more of who I am in relation to and mirrored through, people around me. I also know I have gone through some major life transitions over the last year or so and there has been few and in some cases, virtually no one, who walked with me. Perhaps it could have been different, but I came to a place of realizing that there was about to be a cosmic smack down, a spiritual cage match, where I would come face to face and wrestle myself, the angels, God or what ever the hell was behind this gong show and if I came out of that cage alive, maybe just maybe, I might have some idea of where I might "find peace." Community/family no matter how well intentioned, cannot step into that cage - they will not be there. If they were, how is it that one could possibly identify, deepen and strengthen a belief in themselves unless they are willing to go it alone. (or at least believe that to be the case). Through the hours after midnight and before sunrise there is no one to quiet the angst while personal world views and long held paradigms crumble before your eyes and though it is said "nature abhors a vacuum nothing rushes in to replace these long standing structures. There is seemingly a blank canvas remaining - a profound silence that is just waiting for a declaration of who I am, a sacred birth right that no group bestows or can take away.

This declaration is etched upon our DNA - it is encoded in the intelligence of the trillions of cells that make up our bodies. And yet despite having access to the power that creates universes at our beckoning, I can choose instead to stifle my voice, repress the truth flowing through my veins allowing my standing among my "peers," to supersede who I am. I reclaim the freedom to be me (I hold dear to my heart this freedom for all, but don't claim to be able to facilitate it for anyone but myself). I don't consider myself to be special, I dare to believe this is everyone's birth right, the catch is it is also the responsibility of each, to activate and live into these beliefs for themselves. Otherwise, believe what you have always believed and you will invariably get what you have always got. That doesn't for a minute mean nothing else is possible, it means what is possible is being limited by freely chosen habitual beliefs.  A unique network of individuals would be required to be truly supportive of the growth and expansion of it's members. What I'm talking about is those that would continue to call to greatness, to expect it, from each other. They would let go of personal agendas of what that might look like for another and they certainly would curb their own fears and insecurities, which when directed at others, carries the intention to keep them small, not disrupt the familiar dynamic within the group and uphold the collective mediocrity.

As with most everything I write I don't present this as the final word on the subject, it is an ongoing exploration. I don't wish to diminish the strength and benefit that many collectives offer, at the same time for me, I recognize that invariably at times being aligned with myself will mean I am not aligned with the group conscience and we will then need to agree to disagree.

Tomorrow Has Nothing on Today!

Among borrowed idioms we are given "Mañana"& Frank Sinatra crooned "Let's forget about domani" of course the lyrics go on to suggest that "tomorrow never comes." What if beyond the "fact" that tomorrow never doesn't come because once it "arrives" it's "today" what if there were to be, no tomorrow. Naturally if one is well ensconced in what is said to be the illusion of time - then there would be a tomorrow for some, even if for you personally there was not.

It seems to me the idea of living in the moment and the "power of now" has been well and plenty written about, so I don't think there is much more I could add. What has me pondering this idea of being denied the opportunity to seize the tomorrow? It has to do with an encounter I had with a pickup truck while cycling to work a few days ago.

I was sitting first in line at the intersection (while the light was red). Right beside me was a fellow in a pickup truck. I was positioned so that I could see the driver straight through his side window (I presumed - perhaps erroneously, he had the same unobstructed view of me). He had no turn signal on, so again I presumed, when the light turned green we were both going straight through. The only thing was, the light turned green I entered straight into the intersection and he (and his truck) proceeded to turn right - directly into my path. In order to not be hit by the truck I needed to now turn right along with him. As it was, I had very little room between the truck and the curb. I was pretty much parallel to the curb so I would have been forced into the curb which would likely have resulted in me going down and as well,  as this unfolded the side of the truck grazed my hip and elbow (twice). I managed to continue to negotiate the turn even given the narrow strip of asphalt I was given and insult to my being by this full sized pickup truck. I suppose he must have heard either the contact or perhaps my waxing aloud - WTF? and he pulled over, up the block.

By the time he got to me I had dismounted and pulled my bike up onto the sidewalk. His first words were apologetic and a failed attempt to reassure me "he is usually very respectful of "cyclists"" Then he asked if I was ok and was there anything he could do for me? Before I could answer he exclaimed, oh my god, this scared the shit out of me!"

I replied - "you know, I can't say it's done me a world of good either, not exactly how I had in mind to start my day."
Overall I would say - he was more upset about the whole thing than I was, only he knows for sure what thoughts were running through his mind! I was totally ok and actually felt something akin to compassion for him, being so obviously upset. I simply said - "I'm fine, thank you, but there's nothing you need to do for me - except, come to think of it, wake up, be aware, pay attention." I said this calmly and without intent to make him "wrong" - it just flowed and it was over. I wished him well and turned around to wait at the cross walk to continue on my way to work. A young women was there (she must has seen the whole thing) and said, oh my god, are you all right?" I assured her I was and thanked her for her concern and carried on my way.

Certainly this encounter could have been a great deal more serious, had I not been able to negotiate the turn and went down, I could have wound up under his wheels or the vehicle following him. Even to have forced against the curb could have resulted in being uncomfortably banged up or led to untold injury.

I have seen plenty of near misses involving motor vehicles and either pedestrians or cyclists many of which involved some rather heated verbal assaults. Hell, I have been the one that if I wasn't harbouring thoughts of violence and retribution, I was hailing the one that had "commited the foul" with a volley of venomous diatribe. This situation was a significantly different experience for me. Not only did I refrain from admonishing this guy - but the energy (or combinations there of) simply weren't there. As is obvious, had I "lost" this encounter with the truck, between myself and the driver at the very least, I would have been worse off physically. But even if he were one hundred percent responsible (& I can't claim this to be true with absolute certainty) I was fine. It would have meant he made a mistake. How would that make it okay for me to assault his character? Have I ever misjudged a situation or had moment of lapse in consciousness? The answer to both these questions is yes. To be chastised at those moments of vulnerability at the point where a mistake has been made and there is potential for expansion, a "teachable moment" has never been helpful. If anything it gives rise to defensiveness which in the blink of an eye becomes offensive and attacking.

There are things I could have done that may have played a part in averting this near miss. I could have made sure the driver saw me. If I thought it possible he didn't see me, I could wait those few extra seconds to see if his intention was to go straight or turn.

For my part there were some presumptions going on, not the least of which might well have been that somehow I could count on this guy (who is in his own world) to be acting in my best interest. As is always the case in self-examination what is the broader implication of this abdication of personal responsibility? (i.e. how and where does this operate in my life?)

I know what it feels like to fear angry reprisals - particularly when I have made a mistake. I believe he already felt bad enough, there was nothing to gain by making him feel worse. I've made mistakes as a motorist and a cyclist, certainly none was ever committed with intent to cause harm, so then, no justification to get on my high horse!

In truth I suppose these altercations, mishaps and incidents on the road have for me, triggered fear (concern for my well-being) but seldom has it been my default response to openly express the fear. No instead somehow the conditioned response to "threat of physical harm" has often been anger (which unfortunately just brings about more harm).

I was grateful to be alright - to have chosen a peaceful response and it certainly did bring immediately to my consciousness appreciation for my excellent health and recognition of how quickly ones life can be significantly altered by unforeseen events. Upon arriving at "work" which is currently at one the the local acute care hospitals, I realized the place was full of people that were dealing with just those sorts of events in their life - no matter what my day at work threw at me, there as no doubt in my mind, how much I had to be grateful for!

Love it Here or Forget About There

Today while coming through town I decided to drop into the library and grab a few movies or so I thought. I got inside and began to browse the shelves, read a few story summaries, even had a few movies in my hand (including a "fast view" selection - 3 day return) the next thing that occurred to me was - "I don't want to plan my time around the need to return a movie that I don't even really want to see." There goes that movie back to the shelf, the next thought was, these "stories" are all the same - I am no "movie buff" by any stretch of the imagination. There are certainly more movies I haven't seen than those I have, but just the same - when I read the overviews - I think "so what" and even if I haven't seen it (I've seen it) or more to the point don't need to waste anymore time, seeing it. My conclusion was there is no further value in my viewing stories created by someone as part of what they are doing with their life, about someone else's life (fictional or non-fictional) instead of more deeply defining what is to become of the remainder of my life. So then, back to the shelves with the remaining titles.

Is this some form of defining moment in my life - the kinda stuff that is woven into the "life story" of some other body's "Monday night movie?" Was the trip to the library a wasted effort? The answers respectively are maybe and no. I did take the opportunity to use the facilities and it did give me reason to reflect as I walked through the courtyard - the same court yard that I busked in all winter, and saw a fellow I met during that time - doing that very thing - playing his native american flutes.
Over the last three weeks I have been essentially working full-time in training for what will be a casual position in the hospital system, so I have only been out playing music a couple times lately. This fellow and I have had a few discussions - he admittedly states he's doing it to supplement a pension, though in the next breath he's adamant that "it shouldn't be for the money" even told me someone was about to give him twenty dollars once and he refused it. He's neither right nor wrong for doing so. There has been so many realizations for me over the time I performed on the streets. First of all in contrast, my view - which is neither right or wrong as well, but it's mine, is that with respect to remuneration, nothing is too small or too big, if you want to give me your car because you enjoyed my singing - I'll take it! With whole-hearted appreciation to be sure, but the thing is my value isn't pinned to any dollar figure, so at the end of the day I walk away having loved making some music and I am always richer in someway (even if the cash proceeds weren't particularly plentiful). This has been part of my soul's journey along the way. This same guy asked me last week - do I "seed" my case before I start to play? By this he meant do I throw a few coins in first (to make it look like someone has already valued my performance). I said "no I do not" that to me, that seems manipulative and the only thing in my empty case once I remove the guitar, is a couple of angel talisman. One was given to me by a friend and one was given to me (apologetically) by a fellow while I was playing. I stopped and told him that might well be the most valuable thing I ever receive while I'm out there. I don't know if he took me seriously, but believe you me, I meant it. The thing for me is that I don't "expect" anything - but I believe in my worth and gratefully accept everything. So on the few occasions when someone has handed me a five, ten or twenty dollar bill, I have gratefully accepted them and aside from weighing them down in the case with something so they don't blow away I leave them right there. No hide the bigger currency and try and make it look like there's been little support, I am one who likes to play and sing - not play on peoples sympathy, the thing is, I was not out there embodying the energies of hard luck (if there were those that saw me that way - that's their projection) I chose to make the whole thing an exercise in loving myself - no matter what! And, I was for the most part, highly successful at just that. Absolutely, during a hugely transitional/transformational time of my life - proceeds from busking helped immensely - but I never made "work" of it - I played with love and I will accept your money with love.

All this, from a walk through the courtyard - so indeed all is not as it seems. I went for movies, left empty handed, but, received all this insight. Perhaps I wasn't at the library for the movies at all? I will submit that the outward "appearance" of ones life, while it may well play a part in ones soul development, the soul agenda doesn't play by the same conventions, social dictates or popular paradigms, therefore, "successful" soul evolution is not dependent on the same measures of success that are widely upheld as being the pinnacle. To be sure, the journey was not tagged "the road less traveled" because it was so widely embraced and that it doesn't ask something of each traveller. The difference for me, is that though upon the surface, things can be judged as bleak and ultimately "failing"they are however, like the elements necessary to transform coal into diamonds. These circumstances can be the catalyst through which many powerful attributes are born - maybe this is "the way." (by which I mean conceptually, with an infinite spectrum of circumstantial variations from person to person).

I may well need reminding of this very thing as I'm not speaking from any mountain top, by which I mean my transforming and expansion are by no means complete. While I'm appreciating the opportunity that has come my way in the form of employment in the health care system - this very phenomenon of which I speak "outward" appearances, can be confounding. I left the "health care" system behind years ago - I have been on what became, a full time personal spiritual odyssey - there has been fire ceremony, sweat lodges, shamans, energy healing, sacred circles and sites (worldwide) financial poverty revealing soul fired wealth, all of which has led me........... wait a minute.......... back into health care? When I left they were just breaking ground for a multi-million dollar new facility, I now walk those halls now nine odd years old. They join with corridors and sections of the "old hospital" where I walked those many years ago - tired, bitter, jaded - restless, irritable and discontent, those corridors remind me from where I have come. So to, do the faces of those that were there when I left and are still there, some nearing "retirement" while I have the system status of a new employee (with 3 weeks of seniority). One fellow even quipped "I knew you'd be back - that's why I didn't say good bye when you left." That was ten or more years ago - I wanted to say.......... but then......... and...... I thought instead.......... "wow, I don't know what you've been through all these years - but I sure as hell know where I've been! Man...... here we are, it's good to see you .......... we should celebrate that!

So I'm back..... in some eyes right back where I started from and yet I am not remotely the same person who left - I see reflected in varying degrees wounds that I having since healed, I see mirrored for me threads of what still remains and no longer serves. I am not there to amass seniority, compete for "in-house" postings or get a long service medallion. I'm in the midst of a learning "curve" that would more aptly be depicted by a rapid vertical ascent destination unknown. I am humbled moment to moment while I'm there and that I'm there - perhaps that in itself begins to explain "why I am there."

In one of my non-loving thoughts I conceived myself while playing one day, to be a "musical pan-handler" here is where labels draw the end to seeing. I truly love to sing - but because I have a license as a street performer certainly doesn't me any better than he or she that sits with their hat on the sidewalk. I've stood in those food lines - I've been served dinner in the soup kitchen and then I worked briefly at the same place on the other side of the counter. I was employed in the health care system for 28 years resigned and now I'm back - for how long? It's at present, part of the mystery! The lines stretch, become permeable, begin to fade and then vanish. I'm here ...... but at least I'm not there! Oh wait ...... now I am there........ how'd I get here? I'm still the same guy here as I was there ........ aren't I? How dare you judge me! Unless wait a minute........ you are just showing me the judgement I hold toward myself. If I love myself unconditionally it doesn't matter if I'm here or there. (granted one place versus the other will have it's own inherent perks and/or challenges) - but I am no less worthy of love either way.

All I know is............ circumstances don't define the man (or women) who they are and who they become through and during the circumstances, that's who is worth getting to know. If you only judge by external presentation you have indeed thrown out the baby with the bath water and ultimately cheated yourself.

He Whom Wanders - May Not be Lost?

I was prompted again today to do some writing. I think I mentioned in a previous blog that one of the ways I am guided to return my attention to writing is I keep finding writing implements while out and about. Less than a week ago I found both a pencil and a pen. Today while waiting for a bus sitting right there, is another pen. I acknowledge the guidance grab the pen and proceed with my intention for the morning. As it happens on this pen is embossed  the words "cash money." I'm guessing it came from the "Money Mart" down the block - but to me, it is rather explicit. Not only am I supposed to be writing, clearly there is income involved. When? doesn't matter, it's coming! Does that mean the next thing I write is the "money-maker?" I 'll let ya know! What I know for sure is that the "journey" of writing is taking me somewhere and I suspect not writing is a bit like parking the car. Which is not to say that's a "bad" thing, sometimes those road side oasis' are well worth extending the ETA on the "intended" destination, however staying too long might way lay a door waiting to open.

So the question come to mind - what is it that I'm going to write about? As the day begins to unfold I conclude that the writing, as with the day will take care of itself, I just need to get myself and my laptop together.

My intended morning destination was to be the Interfaith Chapel on the University of Victoria campus. I have intermittently attended various gatherings there - it is both a gift to the students and faculty and to members of the community such as me. There is such a broad variety of offerings there representing different faith & spiritual paths in combination with the exuberance of youthful energy, inquiry and passion. I am always inspired when in attendance at one of their meditation circles to see so many young people expanding not just their minds in the halls of academia but there hearts & souls as well. I might add - there is no question that at times these "students" are my teachers!

Today's menu included four hours of various practices that are associated with Christianity (though not the dogmatic, rational theology which is frequently served up in those "hallowed halls." There was to be chanting in the style of Taize, contemplative meditation, walking meditation, a labyrinth. Most all of these "practices" are associated with Eastern spirituality, or other practices deemed "new age" to be kind - in some "Christian circles" they would be tagged blasphemy. Here in this environment I discovered a convergence of many of these practices, along with their transformative power and even juicy discussion regarding the teachings of the man Jesus which had in mind this very thing, before the practices were gutted and various religions were the resulting spawn. Clearly my biases are beginning to be revealed - so at this junction I will say I honour and respect everyone's right to believe what they choose, I am not trying to convert or convince anyone of anything. I simply sharing some of what I find along the way upon my ongoing journey.

I had originally thought I would ride my bike up to the gathering - then upon realizing it was raining opted to ride the bus so that I could arrive dry and not have to sit through the whole event soaked. As I sat on the bus I was deeply moved with appreciation that not even five minutes from my front door I could just board a bus that would take me all the way to the university campus. Nothing to do but just kick back relax and enjoy the ride up there. I had left enough time (or so I thought) to walk across campus from where the bus stopped to the chapel and be there in time for the event to commence. I say "so I thought" because though I knew the area where I would disembark from the bus and I had been to the chapel before, the difference was, I had previously always rode there and knew the route to the front door via bicycle. I had not transversed the campus and if I tell you that presently my sir name is Mason not Magellan, perhaps you might have some insight into what was to transpire once I got off the bus.

The bus arrived on campus leaving me fifteen minutes to walk to the chapel, ample time I reasoned. I walked past what I remembered to be the chaplain's office where I saw "signs" (literally) one outlining the event I was heading to and another featuring coming attractions. Next I saw a campus map which affirmed with a bright yellow star "you are here." I concurred - indeed I was here. I saw where the chapel was and noted some of the building names in between. I began "on time" and "on course" and then it would seem, there was a disconnect between the imagery of my intended route and where I actually walked.  I did see the names of some of the buildings I remembered from the map and then came to trails leading into the woods on campus. I couldn't resist the opportunity to walk through the natural world and reasoned it would be the perfect segue into the meditations and "surely the trails would lead to the chapel!"

It's entirely possible that if one is familiar with the trail network one could arrive at the front door of the chapel, without the afore mentioned familiarity instead a rather lengthy walk in the park ensues. I had dressed for coolish temperature and drizzle opting to layer one of my go to hoodies under a Cowichan sweater - this would have been perfect comfort for a short jaunt, however, for an extended hike I began to take on the qualities of a walking sweat lodge.

I came upon some signs in the woods at a fork in the trail both were names that were familiar to me however neither was meaningful in relation to orienting me toward the chapel location. I came across a parking lot and saw a couple of guys jogging along the trail so I walked toward them and asked them for directions. I went back in the direction they had indicated and began to travel along the "ring road" of the campus which at some point I was going to leave and get back in the woods and would see signs for the chapel. As I walked along the road I began to see buildings that I saw while on the bus when I first came onto the campus. Not far from here and I'm back out and off campus I reasoned. I must need to double back to where the runners told me I'd would enter the woods! I wondered to myself how is it that when traveling I often seem to be literally oriented one hundred and eighty degrees in the opposite direction of where I intend to go? (not realizing as I pondered this, that I was once again doing the same thing!) Back in the woods I go. It was a beautiful walk - I released concern for being "on time" along with self talk that was not helpful, in favour of staying present and enjoying the walk. It occurred to me there was little point getting myself all emotionally twisted on route to meditation - it would serve me better to simply enjoy the journey. I entertained briefly both the idea that should I "never" find the chapel I got in a great walk and momentary concern for arriving late and disrupting the program already in progress. I checked in with myself - did I still want to go to this? Indeed I did! I had been looking forward to it and whatever I got to would be perfect. I wasn't going to let concern for what others would think of me arriving late be the cause for abandoning what I wanted to do - what they thought was their problem! It would give them something else to release in their meditation.

To be clear I'm not diminishing respect for and valuing of others - their time and or space. I actually prefer to be early. This extended departure from my original destination became the perfect opportunity for me to "let go of outcome" & to enjoy where I was and what I was doing rather than obliterate it with self-admonishment and concern for what I would encounter should I ever arrive at my original intended destination. I know full well that to do so means I don't enjoy where I'm at and may lose precious time at my destination extracting myself from the emotional vortex created, so that I can begin to be present again.

I came out of the woods and onto one of the roads outside the campus. Once again I began on my one hundred and eighty degree reverse trajectory. I realized this when I saw a large empty lot that belongs to the university that is utilized by people to exercise their dogs. I knew from another time in my life if I continued in this direction I would wind up at the water front. So...... about face!

I was amused as I considered ...... though I most definitely envision more travel in my life I can just as readily be exploring and discovering newly in my own town (& I've been here 55 years!) It's a bit like being dropped on any number of the different panels in a mosaic quilt - I know many of them individually quite well, but not necessarily, the territory that lies between and joins the two. Interesting to note that when I did arrive at the chapel I realized that at times I was closer than I thought and somehow "decided"  I was going the "wrong" way & took myself off course.  But I'm getting ahead of myself here.

On my way back to what would be the next intersection and road that skirted the university grounds I "discovered" another trail system part of a recreation center which includes some outdoor exercise stations! I made a mental note to come back here on my bike sometime and see the whole circuit. This beautifully coincides with my want to address my overall wellness including physical fitness employing some creativity with respect to financial resources. The other plus is that this now gives me another option that is outdoors immersed in nature! I have certainly spent my fair share of time at indoor gyms - but I have to say when I walk/run the chip trail around the golf course adjacent to another local recreation center - I find an irony when I round one section of the trail past the floor to ceiling windows in the gym where people are walking or running on treadmills looking out at the trail and natural beauty. It's awesome to have these centers as options - but for me I feel like a gerbil on a wheel on those machines and somewhat like what I imagine wildlife feels when kept in a tank or pen - you can see the natural world and freedom right in front of your nose, but nonetheless there you are walking/running in circles.

As I got to the next intersection I recognized the street name and I realized I was now at the location that I would utilize if I were on my bike - in other words nearly at the chapel! Rather than go all the way down the side road to the driveway, I entered at a gate the led into the campus gardens (which I knew to be adjacent to the chapel. Upon entering the gardens I was captivated! The early spring-like temperatures had certainly gone a long way to awakening many of the inhabitants. Whether the "biblical Eden" existed or was metaphor and allegory, I now knew in my heart what it looked like. Regardless of my proximity to the chapel, I simply couldn't allow haste to detract from where I found myself. Without a doubt the proceedings under way within the chapel would be nourishing, and comparison would be futile and not my intention. However, part of the aim of the activities inside were focused on becoming present with the "here & now" & I was already right here, right now, surrounded with all forms of living beings both indigenous and "exotic" I just couldn't reconcile rushing in from this breath-taking setting to go sit in a chair and become aware of my breath?

The air was fresh and cool, the rain continued to fall which played a staccato rhythm upon the canopy of the trees. I took my time walking the pathways that wound through the gardens, while I marveled at the diversity of creation. The cloud cover was thinning just as I rounded a corner in the path at the very moment when a magnolia tree in full bloom with white flowers was cast a glow by the sun's rays bursting through. What a dazzling display I was privileged to witness. The energy emitting from this garden goddess put me in touch with the divine feminine within me, bringing insights into how I repressed those faculties as one of the ways I rejected myself. The experience brought to mind how deeply I feel connected when in nature and had me reconsider whether my being diverted from my original destination was me be "lost" at all. Quite the contrary, to feel the depth of connection and love in this moment was extraordinary and something that had seemingly eluded me most of my life or at the very least, I had been convinced that to feel this way had to come from somewhere, something or someone outside of myself - not so! This is priceless experience, as without the personal knowing of it - no matter how many accounts I read, or heard others alluding to, they served only to highlight my lack of it, skepticism and my harbouring further mistaken beliefs that this was somehow due to my either doing something wrong or was not worthy of the experience. I am delighted to discover the erroneous nature of these beliefs.  As I continued to enjoy the emotionally stirring magical mystical garden, I began to wonder what I was "missing" in the chapel. Of course in truth I wasn't missing anything, it was more a question of did I still choose to go to the remainder of the program or carry on where I was at?

I decided to go inside, "bookmarking" the gardens for a return visit. I thanked the botanical community for welcoming me into the fold and carried on inside.

As I mentioned earlier, as it turned out I only missed the first of the varied program. I was greeted with a warm welcome and reassurance that I was free to relax and take my time to settle in. I took that cue to find the facilities and "freshen" up at little and then joined the group as they were just being introduced to the next part of the program.

What followed was a couple different rounds of seated meditation and some walking meditation followed by a short break - I chose to return to the garden and do some Qi Gong forms (by this time the sky was clear and the sun was radiating the entire garden. The water droplets upon the garden foliage made the outline of each appear to be bedazzled in luminous pearls. We were encouraged to remain silent throughout the various meditations and transitions. This suited me fine as I was happy to stay immersed in my experience.

The rest of the program was great - I wish though, only to focus on the what was the last activity before the lunch serving. We were given a number of options - I chose to spend time walking the indoor labyrinth they have at the chapel and were making available as one of the offerings. I am particularly drawn to this practice. I aim to have my book published later this year that centers around a forty day labyrinth practice I developed for myself - but that's another story.

The labyrinth at Uvic rolls out and covers the better portion of the inside of the chapel gathering space. Given it's size - a mindful walk within it's pathway takes an appreciable period of time. It also allows for a number of people to be walking at once. For the most part - when I did my morning practice (the focus of my book) I was alone as I walked. This time, there were six or seven of us - which offered for me a myriad of different metaphors as we walked. To begin with I employed the same "body awareness" that was being encouraged in the Qi Gong classes I've been taking over the last while. I was aware of my breathing, consciously employing the "abdominal breathing" from class while at the same time being mindful of each and every step. I felt each foot as it contacted the floor and the articulations within my feet as I walked. I became more aware of the orchestration of multiple muscle groups working harmoniously as I negotiated the S-turns of the labyrinth path. I recognized that a mindful walk had nothing to do with whether I maintained "perfect" balance in the turns and though the path is clearly delineated - there is no need to remain strictly within the outline. One can "colour outside the lines" and still remain  "on course." The dance I became further aware of occurred when I encountered some of my fellow travelers within the labyrinth and we were passing by each other on parallel paths. It was not necessary to change tempo, or give up on the intended destination. It was readily possible to remain mindful of one's own "journey" while considering the trajectory of another and making the necessary adjustments to pass in a non-disruptive manner. It was the perfect metaphor for life (or at least how life could be). Each participant determined their own pace within the labyrinth. Though we all walked the same path (at one time or another) nobody walked it for someone else. There were times when one was "alone" in sections of the labyrinth and other times when a leg of the journey was "shared" with someone on parallel path. The pathway itself wove a serpentine route that seemingly came very close to the center (destination) and then took you entirely away from it, where it might be imagined you would not come to see the center again.  Each could decide how long (or if at all) the spent sitting on cushions in the center and then there was the return journey back to the "outside" where one could then consider how they were to integrate the insights gained while upon the inner journey, now that they were returning to the external world.

Though the morning for me required nothing further to constitute a glorious experience we were then treated to an absolute feast to conclude the event.

After leaving the chapel I walked through the campus and became more clear as to a more direct route to and from the bus terminus. The icing on the cake for me was as I got within spitting distance of where my return bus would arrive, there was two people that had just got off another bus. They stopped when they reached me and asked for directions! I laughed out loud at the irony of only hours earlier being so "lost" on campus and now I was to offer directions!