Can We Talk

Patriarchy, misogyny, oppression, violence, wars, rape, pillage, control, exploitation - at times it can appear (depending on who you listen to) as though this is the sum total of the male legacy and contribution (detraction) to humanity and by extension to planet earth. As with any issues (if one were willing to concede that there are indeed "issues" that adversely effect men, while acknowledging a decidedly unbalanced playing field) the complexities are varied and multi-faceted. It certainly is not my intention to deny the prevalence of pain and destruction brought on by men. I will submit, that these men carry their own pain and "codes of silence" that are the ancestral inheritance and social programming that perpetuates this pain. No, this is not an excuse or justification for the behaviours (it is however, I believe, part of the problem). A problem for which there exists minimal resources or even the collective will to rectify. "Men's Studies" programs are in the minority, political will (largely upholds the problems - no surprise I suppose, given the domination by men - who continue to be rewarded for promotion and participation of pathological behaviour).

I reckon that though I describe the behaviour as the outward manifestation of generational dysfunction and collective complicity, all of which contributes to widespread breakdown of families, communities, societies,  nevertheless,  the power and influence of the status quo, continues to exert a significant force. The roles, beliefs and ways of being are rather deeply entrenched (to say the least - including those that seemingly serve nothing). Of course sweeping generalizations can't be made, however even those that consciously or just naturally step outside of the "norm" do so at personal risk of being ostracized by men and women alike.

I spent many years working in nursing which certainly was at that time a predominately female profession - there I witnessed (and at times was on the receiving end of), derogatory treatment,  that was specifically an attack on, and because of, my being male. I have to say I was ill-equipped and unskillful at this stage of my life to engage in these "assaults"and in hindsight, though much of what they said was just plain inappropriate - there were some of these "reflections" that I can now own as (whether a little or a lot) true in my own life. Hence the anger was at times, a defensive reflex on my part in an attempt to not face these truths.

 My point is, that given the high concentration of different individuals (that were in this case female) it seems reasonable to conclude the views being expressed were not just those of (for example) a couple embittered individuals - rather a consensus of sorts, seemed to be represented. Over time I heard many attitudes and beliefs which were not conducive to men (in general) being willing to change anything about how they related in the world - this was not an environment where one might choose to be emotionally vulnerable (certainly not for me - nor did I ever witness any other men doing so). Still the onus is on me (as it is with any individual) to decide how I'm going to show up (or not) and work at bringing about the desired changes as necessary and regardless of the opinions of others.

So without question the world has been (and still is) unbalanced with respect to "advantages" weighted in favour of men (more specifically white men) - ironically through a large percentage of my life due to my own dysfunction I was largely unaware that I fell into this "advantaged category" I was too busy living out my own "victimhood." I suppose even so, there were innumerable things that I "enjoyed" even without realizing it - for no other reason than my gender and ancestry (I just had to get out of bed and there it was). Even at my core  "entitlement" has been discovered in my self-appraisal ( nothing to be proud of, but necessary to identify as an impediment to my own evolution).

Though less spoken of (as many men are conditioned not to speak of such things) men carry their own wounds at the hands of this societal "system" The conundrum becomes the silence, secrecy and it's underlying shame are upheld by a fear of revealing "the truth" and risk being seen as less of a man (by other men) and less attractive to many women. (that's a lot of potential and realized "rejection").  Of course the well-balanced, self-assured person can stand firmly in who they are, this assumes a pretty solid upbringing with which to build that foundation and/or considerable "personal development" later in life to heal the wounds that conformity inflicts - (all the while the status quo asserts it's grip, attempting to curtail any notion of change).

How does one engage in the personal vulnerability necessary for authentic self-disclosure, intimacy and deeper connection if said vulnerability is seen so widely as "unmanly." I am not saying this hesitancy to  avoid vulnerability is exclusive to men - only that it has it's own "flavour." I would suggest it's a human predicament and I can only represent with any assurance, my own experience as a man (without claiming to be the spokesperson for my gender).

Even though I  identify my personal need and preference to free myself from the emotional bondage of my past and discover I'm by no means blazing a trail or alone in this pursuit - vulnerability as a "practice" is not widely embraced and therefore seems to be more the exception than the rule. Of course I can choose for myself the frequency and regularity that I open myself to this practice. By it's very nature there are no guarantees the results can vary from person to person - a seemingly favourable experience one time, doesn't mean I've now achieved mastery, nor assure the next time won't be disastrous (not everyone is prepared for, nor will they embrace with enthusiasm my decision to grow - hell I don't always embrace it!)

With respect to the prevalence of violence in the various forms referenced in the opening (at the hands of men) -  it would seem there has been progress made with respect to awareness, however there continues to be a need for men to be willing to "break the silence" with each other, their partners, there co-workers. Violence for example toward women (or children - even toward other men) by men, is a Men's issue (despite being widely touted as a "women's issue"). It will take more individuals that possess the necessary courage, integrity and moral fibre to speak up in their circles of influence. Speaking up is not easy - however I believe it was Martin Luther King that said "In the end, it is not the words of our enemy that we will remember, but the silence of our friends." Whatever encourages this silence: false misguided loyalties, shame, concern for approval, must become part of the conversation - one by one, personal transformations can lead to the forming of new paradigms of human relating where violence is no longer considered an option (let alone the default strategy).

This is not an issue that either gender has a monopoly on - men not only are perpetrators but victims of violence, just as women can be on either side of this dichotomy - violence toward children can be committed by either gender (particularly if you expand the defining criteria to include all forms of violence; physical, mental, emotional, intellectual, spiritual).

I'm not suggesting for a minute that these healing conversations are comfortable - frankly to speak out invites violence of one form or another. But what is the cost of silence, how uncomfortable is the continued spectre of violence woven through the fabric of our societies.

I personally have experienced circles (in this case) of men, where each is willing to examine for himself the shadowy attributes of his own character - to recognize and own, the negative projections of himself that he imposes upon others and become increasingly aware of his responsibility for the life (and world) he is creating. All this takes place in a space where there is support, encouragement and acceptance for each man in the circle provided by the men in the circle. Each creates and develops a "mission statement" that defines how this man intends to show up in the world and further gives him, over time the opportunity to continue to examine for himself what gets in the way. The point is this is occurring - it might be awkward, uncomfortable, and weird - but as far as I'M concerned it epitomizes courage and illuminates for me "everyday heroes" in a world that can at times be hard-pressed to demonstrate true "heroism," and gives me hope that real change is possible.

I have witnessed the healing that takes place and experienced it for myself I "know" that this works and would work on a grander scale - upon the world stage. But it would take the will and the intention of the people. A recognition that all the good works of the "women's movement" is not the end of the line. "We" are in this together - "we" all stand to gain through a furtherance of human evolution. It's seems to me little can be gained by women getting themselves into corporate board rooms, armed forces, political office, clergy, tradesperson etc. and then embody an excess of "male energy."It was (is) an imbalance that created the original problems - further imbalance cannot solve the problem.

I know in my personal life changes are coming about - but only as I acknowledge what isn't working (and most importantly what I'm doing (or not doing) to contribute to this). I'm just a link in the chain of humanity - I can't just sit back and point at all that is "broken"without acknowledging my share. My life though on the one hand, very small in relation to all of the known and unknown universe - then again I am inextricably connected to it all - my life does not occur in a vacuum.

I think all dichotomies exist as do two sides of the same coin - men and women could for all time stare at each other across the chasm of gender division but can humanity ever really benefit from continued divisiveness of any sort. Seems to me there's a clue in the word "divisiveness" (i.e. divide). "We" can embrace are unique concerns - while each also takes full responsibility for what is their's - rather than perpetuating the senselessness of "right/wrong."

All could begin to risk more of themselves to make the world a more open welcoming place for the other and it might start something like this: "Can we talk?"