Miracle of miracles I'm up from my restless meandering from bed to couch, from chair to floor (even spending time, somewhat inverted with legs up the wall - my back supported along the floor) & I'm heading out for a walk! The sun is shining, Don McLean is singing of American Pie. Stepping out the door "determined to see" looking resolutely forward "I see" shimmering upon my path a quarter. I am reminded to acknowledge & thank an abundant and loving universe.
What gives rise to my speaking of miracles? To begin with the oft taken for granted and "simple" act of walking was once again available to me. Prior to this - my two day affinity for all things sedentary, was brought about by every fibre of soft tissue between my right lower rib cage and pelvis seizing into a collective spasm, that was both excruciating and mobility limiting. Generally the deep tissue of my hip and posterior go about their business, without my paying them any particular attention. In remarkably little time, they had my full consciousness, as they communicated seemingly in protest, no matter which of my activities of daily living I attempted to perform. There had been no traumatic event (at least not currently) that should have rendered me immobile. Still the knowledge of this was of little consequence - the pain was a reality, that seemed disinterested in validation through the identification of origin.
How quickly ones participation in life can be altered - of course sometimes permanently! What to make of this predicament? Well for better or for worse, I currently have no employer to report to, so it could be reasoned, that I am blessed with time to recover. If the infliction itself is not to be "instructive" likely the time of reduced or altered activity will be! Given my penchant for all things wellness & spirituality oriented - I begin to address the "issue" with a cluster of approaches (with the idea that not unlike a shotgun - you need just point in the general direction of the target and your bound to hit something). I have had "muscle strains" before - worked for years as a nurse (have had first aid training) so I know about heat, cold, rest, inflammation and have access to foam rollers and other tools designed to be effective for "self myofascial release" I have also worked as a personal trainer and fitness coach - so considered myself "qualified" to oversee my recovery. The progressive worsening of symptoms would prove to suggest that release was indeed indicated (as in, let go of what I think I know).
As it happened I was scheduled to volunteer through both days of the weekend (representing a men's work organization, at a Women's show). The initial symptoms were only vaguely present before arriving for shifts (the acuity of the pain became more apparent as the weekend unfolded). As I said, I consciously identify with the living of a spiritual life. I wish I could succinctly explain what that means (I cannot) partly because some of what I have come to discover for myself, is that some aspects of this life, go beyond strict definition and the articulation of experience may still be considered anecdotal. Lacking in "hard evidence"explanations can seem trite in arenas of unbending rationalism. Of course this becomes the "proof" for many, that the spiritual life is pure fabrication. If you find yourself identified thus, you might just want to check out now (unless you are open to exercising some curiosity or just want to stick around for your personal amusement or further "evidence" with which to fuel your present assertions).
From this point forward one would need to be able to at least consider to be true - that all is not as it seems! Consider that "we" as humans (therefore I) am far more than my physicality - though I'll grant you, when physical pain presents sometimes it's easy to forget that temporarily. Given the multidimensional beings that we are, physical symptoms can easily point elsewhere for their origins (i.e. emotional/spiritual etc.) Especially in the absence of a specific identifiable physical trauma - even then, it's not cut & dried (but for now, I won't go there).
So as this is unfolding I'm visualizing my body healing - I begin to "pray" during which I include a willingness to discover what it is my body "is trying to tell me." (this after succumbing to the initial idea that the remedy was to be found through Ibuprofen - which it occurred to me later, was like "gagging the messenger." After being at the women's show for the first day and though not doing anything "physically strenuous" I was still not getting any relief. I reasoned I'm spending my time either standing or sitting engaging in various conversations (almost exclusively with women) raising awareness of resources available for men (young & adult) to look at themselves, examine their beliefs about themselves (as men) past, present and moving to the future. What's working - what isn't? Why not?
At the show representing groups that focus on men, I am struck by what I believe to be the need that not only these male conversations occur, but that they take place within the larger container of humanity.That they might include men & women and the expectations/beliefs placed on each by the other, those of their own gender and them upon themselves.
Meanwhile as my back isn't really improving any - I'm having conversation with friends that are offering prayers of healing. I continue with application of heat & cold, gentle stretching, mineral salt hot baths, prayer, visualization and seeking answers (if not to the relief of pain itself, then what am I to understand about what appears is going on here). Through a friend I am invited to consider the energies of anger and fear. As a writer it is suggested that I write a poem to my aching hip, side and low back expressing love. Later while randomly opening a book that is a comprehensive guide to prayer (not just the "now I lay me down to sleep" variety). I might add I feel resistance to the idea of an expression of love to myself.
The following have been taken from the book: "The Dynamic Laws of Prayer" by Catherine Ponder
I come across a couple of sections one that expands on the need to begin the practice of prayer by "praying in the body." It goes on to say "your first duty in prayer is to bless your body and help it relax." "Your body needs constant praise and appreciation.""Your body needs your attention and your love, and it awaits your mental instructions."
The other was a reference to the answer to prayers being blocked, by someone or some experience (past or present) that remained "unforgiven."
Again I quote Catherine Ponder:
"Holding onto such a grudge is like holding a hot coal. It will burn you again and again until you let it go."
"Your hurts stand in the way of answered prayers."
"Do you dwell on wrongs and mistreatment's, and carefully preserve them in your memory? You must have the courage to loose them and let them go. Excuses, self-pity, blaming another for your problems, all stand in the way of answered prayers."
"Prayers of forgiveness from and toward those that have abused you or who have persecuted you are the highest form of prayer, yet the hardest. But they are also the most rewarding and soul cleansing."
My journey suggests that I must place myself on the list for forgiveness. Certainly there has been value in gaining understanding the various origins of my personal wounds - but further to that, there has been the need to dig deeper still and come to understand the mistaken beliefs I have taken on either directly from others, or as part of the story I created about myself in response to these life experiences. Largely unconscious belief frame works, they are nonetheless like the "bars of the cage" not "real" but lived as such. Unconscious (therefore invisible) but powerful influences. Prayer as it suggests in the book referenced here, can bring the unconscious to consciousness (darkness to light - or perhaps invites the light, to illuminate where previously darkness resided). It is these mistaken beliefs that directly interfere - I see the author's assertions through my own life experience.
The answer to my prayers with regard to pain are presented to me in both the "suggestions" from my friend and the contents of the book (I "happened" to pick up). They point at not only the need to love and honour my body as a part of my prayer life, but also give me insight into the non-loving beliefs that "are mine" that are being triggered by my presence at a Women's show (speaking to people about men's healing journey). I could remain focused entirely on the ways that I have been affected by both men and women in my life (including peers and adults) in this I'm not unique. I could speak of fear of judgement (appearing "less" a man in the eyes of the women visiting the exhibits at the show - just as readily, "not measuring up" with respect to the relative few men wandering in the show). Perhaps ordinarily the presence of myself and the fellow I was working the exhibit, might have represented a "safe haven" for these men - cast adrift in a sea of women's products and services (however we represented "men's work" - whoa no oasis there!)
There was for me as well, the invariable question of relevance and being valued (or doing anything of worth) when measured against the popularity of the fire department employees that modelled for the calendar and the "guest appearance" of the soap opera "hotty." I actually know intellectually that none of this matters - but the point is (if I so choose to be open to the insights) my concern for the judgement of others, questions of value and legitimacy, credibility/worth all points to unhealed (non-loving mistaken beliefs) I hold toward myself! (and have for years).
Included in the realization is the need to drop the judgement that I could be "so shallow" as to be effected by any of this (further experience of mine tells me that I can't "intellectualize" nor "spiritualize" my wounds away). The path to healing is through awareness and an ongoing willingness to accept full responsibility for my life (which of course broadens with deepening awareness). The source of the healing is none other than God (not to say that means I don't have a part to play - that in itself, is an evolving path of discovery, with respect to how I am to go about embarking on and fostering, an ongoing relationship with this God. Even saying that would seem perhaps to be rather definitive - it is not my intention within the scope of this post to try and "define" God.
I have come to seek a connection with something "greater than myself" through various circumstances in my life - it has been a journey that has taking me far and wide (and certainly deep). I am convinced there is no turning back and yet there continues to be numerous extensive treatise on aspects of the spiritual life that I have yet to discover exist (not that it is necessary for me to absorb them all - just acknowledging that it is a vast field of pursuit) perhaps far more so than all that has been written or that ever will be written. Nonetheless that in itself is no reason not to make a beginning.
It also doesn't mean that in this case an answer to my prayers might well come in part through the hands of a good massage therapist - even still the massage neither brought about instantaneous healing nor were any of the "insights" here gained through the conversation during the massage.
What I do hold as true is that the origins of the pain are not what they seem and the path to healing is directly affected by what I will accept to be true.
Love, miracles and healing are the subject of my story - as it turns out they are directly affected by my story!
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