Perhaps the following disclosure (if nothing else) will be revealing with respect to my age - this past weekend spelled the end of a "land-line" telephone (even that word belies my vintage) at my home. Of course this is of no significance to some - that have perhaps never had such icons of antiquity in their midst (except through ringtones on their cellphone that mimic "old school" ringers).
I wonder if the once self-proclamation establishing "why yes, I am in the book!"will become known only to linguists studying historic lexicon. I have noted "the book" is shrinking even though the population is on the rise (or at least holding its own) - perhaps this is why?
Though not a major milestone (as rights of passage go) and granted, a rather nebulous measure, there could be said to be a time when one's name occupying space upon the pages of "the book" was a talisman of sorts, of identity. I was now delineated by name, number & address! (all of my own)
Interesting thing this business of "Identity." As a result of being steeped in a society and culture that is largely externally orientated, one can discover that there exists layer upon layer of ideas of "who I am" that potentially can be comprised largely (if not entirely) from that which exists outside myself.
An amusing example (well at least to me) is occurring right this minute as I write this. At the coffee shop I'm currently sitting in, there is playing an "old" Alice Cooper album (yes album... it's actually an L.P. playing upon a turntable). I remember all the words (though I couldn't sing them without the "accompaniment") without question I nearly wore the grooves off those records as a teen ("no more Mr. Nice Guy.... No more Mister Clean.... (though my head does bare a resemblance to the character cast to be "tough on grime" or whatever the conscious invading tagline was: Mr. Clean) this is not my identity nor do I "identify" with Alice Cooper - haven't thought of him for years, even though apparently the moment I'm tapped into the lyrics I remember them better than my PIN #! I can see it now, another forty or so years I could be sitting in some elder care facility - kicking it and wailing out "School's out for summer...... School's out forever.... School's been blown to pieces...")
Fast forward some considerable moons and water under bridges combined with an assortment of realities and this exploration of "identity" continues to occupy my consciousness (maybe more now than ever) in hindsight as a teen (and young adult) I simply didn't really know who I was. Layer upon layer of persona was developed to attempt to portray the requisite "cool" though if I ever managed to dupe anyone else into believing I embodied it - I never felt it. Despite considerable external "makeovers"I never felt comfortable in my own skin.
I am an introvert by nature and given to introspection, combine this with an observation that over time, considerable material belongings came and went, social circles (for as much as I "socialized") were frequently changed (including distinct changes in interest groups - which in itself was a long time coming, as when I was younger, I seldom "joined" anything) cool was the supposition (fear was the reality). All this "change" and still down where the tires meet the pavement, nothing was changing! I suppose in retrospect this could be said to be part of the overall process of coming to know myself- determining interests through the process of elimination.
In the past five years a fairly long term marriage (17 years) ended and I walked away from a full-time 28 year career. (Those two, oft said to be "major life transitions" happened inside the same year) I couldn't begin to say now, whether the questions I have of life, brought about the circumstances or the circumstances became the catalyst for the questions - maybe it doesn't matter. What I can tell you is, it wasn't just the loss of so much, so quickly, or even the question of whether it was necessary to "grieve" these voluminous losses - but I began to realize how much I "identified" myself with all of it! So it wasn't a simply a case of loss (of course of itself, that can be a great deal to contend with) if it were (somewhat as in a house fire) I could call the insurance agent, file a claim and replace the stuff. However as it turned out I didn't feel compelled to do that at all. (Replace all the stuff that is, I couldn't for the life of me, feel inspired to pour myself into recreating what I had just left behind). So then it became a case of "well then, what am I about now?" "What matters - what do I want my life to be about now?" "I had put plenty of time and energy (the proverbial blood, sweat and tears) into building some particular reality and future vision and then seemingly in the blink of an eye, it was all gone. It wasn't so much about the stuff per se - it was more the impact of realizing, that I had been so absorbed in the accumulation of the stuff that once that rather large distraction was gone, I no longer knew who I was without it. (Maybe I never knew).
I now recognize that there was much that I didn't know about myself - which is rather remarkable when you consider you're never not with yourself. As it turns out that is not entirely a true statement. (One can certainly be unconscious of themselves in the world - certainly that is true of me). Self-inquiry/exploration is truly fraught with mystery and intrigue. A closer look can reveal that values, beliefs (mistaken and/or limiting) and career path can have been influenced from outside oneself. Of course I made the choices - I have made true, various beliefs resulting in habitual ways of being, which have gone on to produce certain results. But lacking was a high degree of authenticity - as so many decisions were based on fears or really upheld values and beliefs that weren't actually my own. I don't suppose anything a kin to contentment or fulfillment, is possible when living so far out of alignment with myself. It's not about placing myself above others or beyond the world around me - but rather following my own heart and soul rather than affirm what I am doing in the world based on what others are doing. Interesting to come to understand that it took rather intensive focus on myself in order to realize how unconscious I was of my ways in the world and it's effects. (therefore an application of consciousness directed at unconsciousness to become more conscious).
So when I consider such maxims as "Know Thyself" & "To Thine Ownself be True" I hear implied within, that it's asking something of me - specifically "who are you?" Clearly I can't be true to myself if I don't know who that is.
The answer was certainly not to be found in what I had or what was I doing (although clues could be found along the way as some clear contrast was demonstrated as to who I wasn't).
I don't guess it's so much at all, about dwelling on my personality based preferences (no doubt if I was hungry enough for example, something I find distasteful would become a delicacy) - it seemingly has been about, coming to know myself as part of something, so much bigger than myself.
It is not at all about making wrong the things of the material world - I did discover that for me there was value in uncovering the unquenchable appetite for more, so that what I do have I really appreciate and lessened the need to maintain unbridled consumption. I'm clear now I'm not my stuff - and that I ran long and hard from myself and hid in the busyness and widespread complexity of a life based on accumulating more. Eventually I could no longer outrun myself. As the circumstances of my life were never really discussed in anything longer than newsreel like sound-bites - there was never any opportunity (by design) to consider it comprehensively. I got more and more of what it seemed to me was commonly touted as being the requisite elements of "the dream" but it seemed to me to be more like a nightmare (and of course continual outside inquiry and comparison only served to reinforce the thoughts that I must have seriously "missed the boat" because despite following what seemed to be the rules - my constant companion was the question "is this all there is?"not that I had it all but - it came home to me that nothing more outside myself would sate the "hungry ghost" or quiet the roar of discontent (which only I could hear).
It can at times seem to be a lonely pursuit the search for, recognition of and living into, one's self. As it turns out to do so, won't ever be properly demonstrated anywhere, but from within. The search for me has encompassed the teachings of various spiritual paths and though it continues, it doesn't at all times assure deepened clarity. In fact at times, the continued inquiry itself, yields a great deal more questions, than answers. Touching on teachings that attempt to illuminate the consciousness behind the personality (and for me conundrum-like concepts) such as, attempting to know one's self as the "observer" of their thoughts and feelings and the illusion of separation are "mind-blowing" (which I suppose they are meant to be) and though I get some snippets of "understanding" it is not clear to me at this point how coming to know these things more deeply, would alter the way of being "in the world." (in other words how to integrate the expanded awareness into day to day living).
So what can I conclude about this quest for the truth? I don't believe I can draw any conclusions (given a ongoing path of discovery continues to unfold). I will make some associations that I am reasonably sure can be considered universally applicable, within humanity (given I am part of it). I have determined that there is far more to know about myself (even now) than what I would have thought previously (I believe that could be true for everyone). I also believe that as an extension of the previous observation, anyone that is currently in my life can represent an ongoing field of discovery. I don't now - nor perhaps is it possible, that I can ever know, all there is to know of them either (given they are continually evolving and changing too).
Is it necessary for everyone to do this sort of spiritual archaeology? Unquestionably a personal choice - certainly there are gifts to be had in exchange for the effort (not the least of which is, oneself). Does it need to be an all-consuming endeavor? Likely in practical terms, not everyone would be willing or able to invest completely of themselves - so to whatever degree each is able and willing, the fruits are there for the picking - but one must be willing to climb the tree. The point is that not everyone would feel called to spend the time and energy that I have (nor have I necessarily spent the time and energy as some, who may have dedicated much or all, of their entire lives to these sorts of pursuits). My drive to discover some of these truths and passion for spirituality (and it's various paths) does not make it a requirement for everyone else (it could be the means for them to discover their own gifts and purposes - just as easily, the path they are on, may be that which yields for them what it is they need to know - it could be seen as their own "personal ministry" and path through which they express love and healing in the world) - though it may not "conventionally" be seen that way.
I sincerely hope that my continued seeking of the truth in my own life, will provide me with the ongoing insight with which to shape my writing, to then create value for others on their journey.
In closing, I draw once again on the immortal words of another band from my youth: Who are you..... Who..who...Who.. who??
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