There was an expression in my home growing up (at least in hindsight I guess I remember it as being more prevalent then) it was known as "going to pieces" (I suppose it might have been a precusor or the flip-side representation of more historically recent notions like - "keeping it together" "getting it together," "getting ones shit together," and of course avoiding at all cost, the cataclysmic onset of "having a meltdown."
I don't recall anyone specifically saying "don't do it," however it was spoken of rather unfavourably and the only time anyone ever emoted in any fashion it was blamed on someone else (which never went well) so the peaceful path seemed to be to avoid the whole matter. I can remember for example being in kindergarten (which would have made me 4 or 5 years old) and tripping in the playground and ending up with abrasions all over the bridge of my nose. I did my utmost to avoid being seen in the room afterward - not wanting to draw attention to myself. A few years later I severely sprained my ankle in the field at school at lunch time and hobbled back into the classroom and sat through the entire afternoon without letting on what had happened or that I was in considerable pain - by the time I got picked up after school my ankle was grossly swollen and I was being admonished for "not speaking up and telling someone." (Here I thought I was very effectively embodying the ole "stiff upper lip" and certainly didn't "go to pieces" (beside the shredding of my ankle ligaments).
Certainly men don't have the monopoly on stoicism but there unquestionably has been no end of programming and consciousness shaping over the course of history that have done very little to promote the idea of men being more emotionally aware and conversant. Of course on the flip-side increased awareness in general with respect to the effects of emotional repression on health and quality of life has more men seeking healing and freedom from old paradigms and belief systems - but progress seems slow at times (or maybe that's just me perceiving the world through my own progress on the journey to emotional fluency - which seems a slow evolution). To venture "out" beyond the facades of "personality" & social grooming to a place of vulnerability and authenticity is not easy. Fears around criticism, ridicule or outright condemnation can indeed make attractive, the seduction of illusory acceptance (the mistaken belief being "acceptance" comes from beyond ourselves.") The problem is that while connection to self (& others) is important "acceptance" gained through emotional dishonesty yields just the opposite - disconnection from self, relating based on this dishonesty and a perpetuation of the sense of loneliness and isolation.
Henry David Thoreau once said "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.”Again, I suspect that may well be true for women as well. Though I maintain the prospect of becoming "emotionally available" presents unique challenges for men, not the least of which include role expectations and beliefs dogmatically upheld by both men and women around what it is to "be a man." (three little words that strike terror in my heart - obviously not the words themselves but the implication of how they impact my personal challenge with "being myself."
Returning to this idea of being "together" (which frankly is even upheld in some healing/personal development paths) the word itself implies that if it is desirable to be together (or seen to be) I must be broken before hand (not a model that I have come to believe in). Having said that a spiritual/healing journey that has brought me from deep emotional disconnection on what might be described as walk on a developmental continuum toward emotional honesty, awareness and authenticity has at time felt literally, like I am coming apart at the seams. (Which it would seem according to my experience and fairly extensive study with regard to "spiritual awakening" and "dark night of the soul" "heroes journey" can be expected) it would seem that in order to "come together" (perhaps quite radically a new) one must first seeming fall apart (or "go to pieces.") Leonard Cohen sings in his song "Anthem"- "there is a crack, there is a crack in everything - that's where the light comes in." Personally I wonder if that might not actually be - where the light shines out! (the light of personal truth and integrity).
What would prompt anyone to willingly take on such a journey? In my case it could be summed up by saying, it became more painful to stay inside the walls of repression and my defenses, than it was to venture out. (Though "out" has not always been a picnic either - albeit it can be said, it has definitely been a walk toward more honesty and "aliveness"). Are cataclysmic events in human lives necessary to have these awakenings and transformational experiences? At some level I think perhaps yes, otherwise what would create the crack in the armour that allows the light of realization in (or out). It has been said "nothing changes if nothing changes and that change is inevitable." So it's possible then, that my resistance to this change might well be more uncomfortable than the change itself. Are the events in each given life "predestined" to create these awakenings - I think not, however I do think each is born with unique gifts, talents and potentials which are pushing to be realized - so though "shit happens" (and it does so to everyone) an opportunity to realize these potentials is continually "offered" but not inevitably developed.
Consider the idea "in order to come to your senses you must go out of your mind." - Alan Watts
The merit of this certainly seems applicable here in the western world where rational thought and the mind are venerated. Qualities like intuition or perceptions beyond the five most commonly accepted external senses (seeing, hearing, feeling, smelling, tasting) are often not given much credibility. Sensitivity is treated like a pathology, emotional honesty is often seen as weakness (bringing ways of being like passive aggression, sarcasm and various forms of verbal abuse into day to day communication where it is seem as being "normal." In this light being told "your out of your mind," could be seen as a positive thing.
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