Ch..ch..ch..ch...anges

Being one who has for considerable time "identified" with being a "seeker," I can now say of what I've "found" - neither makes me special. Not that I sought, nor what I found. It is possible that what I have uncovered on my "quest" so far could be useful to others on their own search. It is equally possible that it has nothing to do with what they are searching for, they have their own objective which they will recognize when they discover it for themselves. Ironically, that's part of what I found on a pursuit that began as a desire to stop hurting. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. Didn't begin as a "spiritual" search - in fact, the idea that I saw and heard reflected in those around me, that "the answer was spiritual" I frowned upon, in truth, I thought it was absolutely repugnant.

After a myriad of viewpoints, practices, systems & teachers; many of whom touted the virtues of transformation, it seemed to me I couldn't be farther from enlightenment if I tried. I uncovered instead beliefs (albeit mistaken) that I was so profoundly flawed "transformation" sounded like an attractive idea in as much as what I saw I looked upon with contempt. It had not become apparent that I would be called upon to "be the love" that would be the catalyst for these changes. I had imagined it would be a process rather like plastering over the blemishes on a wall - loving them seemed oxymoronic.

So I suppose I began my seeking much like a drowning man would seek a life preserver. A further irony was (to continue the metaphor) I wasn't drowning. However, I discover that the lens through which one "seeks" colours what they are apt to "find." It is by far preferable to enjoy learning to, or continuing to swim, for the shear pleasure of swimming rather than the terror of drowning. The matter is complicated further if water were to represent life & I consider everyone else to be swimming however, I'm a stone! Now having committed what I vaguely recall may be a literary foul in the form of an extended metaphor I'll see about redirecting myself.

The thing about a "spiritual path" commandeered by the ego, I could consider myself beyond reproach, or that I am special for being on it, for what I think I know now that I've trekked from wherever it was I was, to wherever it is I am now. I might think less of others that aren't doing what I'm doing or consider myself :"fubar." All of which ignores that I would still be using any of these ideas or all of them, to make myself feel ok about myself or that I'm so much worse off than anyone else.

There's nothing "spiritual" about any self-aggrandizement at the expense of others nor self-contempt at cost to myself.

As I said, I didn't come to explore spirituality through any virtue of mine, it was more a case of looking for a way to get my ass out of the fire; so it's interesting to see the piety creeping in at various times. I don't know about any experience beyond my own - but life (or perhaps my interaction with life) has always served me a generous portion of humble (berry) pie on these occasions of my over-inflatus ego-rama.

Incidentally, my education regarding humility has undergone a series of changes which I'm sure will continue. I knew nothing of it initially - thought it to be the same as humiliation. Then that it entailed constant bowing and scraping - how was I to assert myself in the world using this posturing? Perhaps then it was to be self-effacing? Then I found that if this was done disguising "approval - seeking" it then amounted to  "false-humility." Just today I read a quote:

“To realize one's destiny is a person's only real obligation and when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”- Paulo Coelho

It is not humble to remain small & ignore ones heart calling, nor does it make me better than the next person, if I engage the pursuit. It's not a competition no one has the monopoly  on suffering nor it's transcendence. 

So humility contains elements of recognizing where change needs to occur and finding the courage to take action. It also recognizes where things are perfectly okay and even where I excel - celebrating it, expanding it, appreciating it and offering it in service.

There is not necessarily anything to be gained in change just for the sake of change. Chronic cycles of change can be a means of avoiding something which presents should the knee jerk compulsion to change no be given in to.

Various forms of support networks can be helpful in facilitating  change but only if they continue to encourage each other toward the identified goal set out by each person. Environments where participants only commiserate in one another's suffering but don't move through to call for it's healing; I have not found helpful.

I am not saying that anyone should be pressured, criticized or coerced to change; that choice need come from within each individual. However, there is value in recognizing what one wants & therefore their intention & to be clear whether your "support network" aligns with your vision. Neither is "right or "wrong" but they are distinctly different; one could be said to  have an intention and focus on healing, the other, a spoken (or unspoken) agreement to uphold the suffering through mutually abdicating personal responsibility. Each has the choice to define their path & undeniably the ability to scrutinize  & exercise the power of discernment can grow along the way.

Association with a "spiritual path" does not guarantee change. Embracing the need for change & all it entails in order for it to occur, can of itself become a spiritual path. It has more to do with becoming aware of and honouring one's inner world than what chair they sit in or whose picture is over the altar (if there even is one). What part do I play & how do I contribute to the greater mosaic? Not, do I, or how can I, out-shine the other threads in the tapestry?

I do renounce systems or ideas that declare me to be flawed - I acknowledge a continued walk through life that can still reveal patterned behaviour or threads of ideas that no longer serve me. I make a concerted effort to catch any thoughts of self-admonishment. I'm clear, I can't be shamed (or shame myself) into "wellness" - it is not "well" to do so in the first place nor is it okay.

As the Hopi prophecy states - "I am the one I've been waiting for....." and when I get there and arrive to greet myself it will no longer be with a big friggin' stick to beat the crap out of myself with!