I'd like to say, that I'm under no illusion with regard to glorified romantic notions, of what it is to become "more conscious" - however, first of all; the act of doing so, involves becoming aware of (conscious), of that which was previously unconscious. In light of that frame of reference, one would have to recognize, that while I'm busy being "unconscious" - I'm operating from or through, the veil of an illusion. So to be clear, or at least to take a stab at being as honest as I can presently be, my writing, with which I envision sharing from a place of the "knowing" through experience; is conscious of "this," while at the same time, continues to be unconscious of "that." Not the sort of statement one reads on the testimonial page of the books or webpages of those that would "teach" however, as far as I can perceive, for me, it's honest.
This dissolution of various aspects of persona/self-image I gather and would even acclaim on some occasions, happens at the right and perfect time for each. When I'm in it, I'm not so quick to appreciate this.
I don't even really know what to call the "path" I'm on anymore. Just as well, I have no less "need" to be on it; however it doesn't make me unique. If you're "alive" here and now, then you're walking some path. My "Virgo" sensibilities would love to be able to delineate some sort of linear progression - I both surrender concern for whether one exists and state, "if you're looking for a "map," I'm not a cartographer!"
I do loosely believe I'm seeking the truth - but if I ever suffered under the illusion I was special because of this (and I did); I should add that I continue to seek, in no small part, as part of a desire; to not continue through life, repeating patterns that do not serve.
I would like to continue to increasingly live from a expanding place of authenticity. That would seem to conjure the necessity of casting a wider net of self-acceptance - which means becoming more "self-aware" in order to "know (all) thyself."
The other day was one of those occasions, where I was to fall from (plummet) grace (my own). It actually was later that evening, I had worked until 11:00 p.m. and as I am still nursing a foot issue, I was opting to catch the bus home, rather than pummel my foot further, walking. When I arrived at the bus stop closest to my workplace there was temporary signage posted, indicating that stop was "closed" and to go to the stop adjacent to the mall. This began a mild sense of irritation for me. The walk to the designated stop was not as far as it would be to just walk home, but as my "intention" was to not do anymore walking than I had to - this was not in keeping with my plan.
I walked toward the mall and noticed the same signage on the next stop along the way. I was curious as to what the reason might be - so then I suppose you could say, I was curiously irritated or irritatedly, curious. As I was walking I could see what would be the next bus nearing the stop I was still quite some distance from. I began to jog toward the stop when I quickly realized I'm too far away. Had I been closer I might have elicited the courtesy of the driver; they will often wait, if they see you sprinting to the stop and a short wait, won't upset their scheduling. Beside the distance, even the light jog was very painful, so I stopped. What I extended to myself in compassion for my foot, I nullified in contempt for this reality. "Shit I used to run 10km or more - now I can't even run a few blocks to the bus stop" and who the hell knows when the next bus will arrive?!!"
I arrived at the stop and attempted to console myself with the fact that no matter how long I had to wait, at least I could sit down - it was a pleasant enough evening, I could just relax and wait. Alas it was not to be!
As I sat there a fellow came wandering across the road (through traffic) toward the stop. I'm not a stickler for cross-walks as such; though I would say there is "J-walking" with nothing much at stake and that, which is considerably more haphazard, even life threatening. His would be the latter, though even still, his approach didn't immediately occur to be "my problem." Once he got to the curb on my side I could see he was without shoes, overall appearance was somewhat haggard and he was drinking what appeared to be a large Slushee/Slurpee.
At this juncture probably a good time to include that I fancy myself (among other things) "a man of peace." Maybe this event to follow, is a stepping stone to that peace - but it was a far cry, from "peaceful."
The fellow looks at me and begins the interaction: "I'm short money for bus fare, can you spare me some change?"
Amazing the facade of my previous self-talk to ease my irritation was instantaneous eradicated. It was as though the fuse had been lit previously - it may have been damped down and was only smouldering; but it was soon fanned into full ignition again!
I legitimately didn't have any cash of any sort with me, I don't typically take much or any money to work. I answered, "no, not tonight." (while thinking, you had enough to buy that friggin' Slurpee - that would have been your bus fare!)
He soon "tipped his hand," as his reply was, "so what your saying is, you have it, but your not fucking willing, to help a guy out."
I said, "I told you, I don't have it, so yes, I can't help you."
"Ya you can't help anyone - you can't even fucking help yourself!!!! #$%&
If there were to be any "inner dialogue" it might have gone like this:
"Now that's not true, I can help myself and I actually am...... sure, there are times when I don't feel entirely self-assured...... but I'm looking after myself.... even where there were those that provided some sense of a safety net ..... They're all gone now.....
Getting back to the fuse analogy there was only time for something closer to:
I don't know what "this is" but it's fucking ON!"
"Look, I said I can't help you and that's it, so would just leave me in peace!" (cuz I was just such a paragon of peace at this point!) and beside that, what ever would make me think that in this situation, I could just ask for peace and it would be granted?)
"Hey it's a fucking public bus stop and I can stay here as long as I want!"
"Fill your boots, just leave me alone!"
"Nah, I think I'm going to teach you a lesson!!" he says.
"Really, I doubt very much that there's anything you know, that I'm interested in learning."
He glares at me an says, "I'm a fucking doctor you know!"
Yeah right and I'm fucking Mahatma Gandhi, well Doctor, why don't you just admit yourself for the night, over at the EMP (local mental health facility)!!!
Now he starts coming toward me - uttering threats and all forms of derogatory character assassination (none of which were true, however I can't say I did the best job at deflecting them).
There was no way I was going to let him corner me in the bus shelter - so I jumped up grabbed my back pack and I apparently decided, to meet "fire with fire...." "LOOK YOU WACK-JOB FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!!!
This did have the desired effect, in as much as he stopped his advance toward me and then he glares at me again and says, "what the fuck is your problem?....."
My problem? you're the mentally unstable one here...... Mind you, to a fly on the wall - it might have been difficult to assign either of us "stability."
More slashing, hacking and name calling was directed my way (if I could remember the weave of profane adjectives I would share them, though I don't know that it would serve anything).
I suppose it is infinitely apparent I neither, "turned the other cheek..." nor turned and walked away.
He did say that he was going to follow me home and that I was "dead."
I both told him what I thought of that, while at the same time, not being willing to lead him to where I live - so if one could still call this digression - "standing my ground...." then that's what I did.
"Come on buddy", he says. "Make a move....let's go!!"
"Don't waste my time - shit bag!!"
I had no intention of physically fighting with this guy (unless I absolutely had to) an interesting statement in itself considering the way I engaged with him, may well have created the need to do just that! It seemed, he was not expecting to be met with my fury, which appeared to take him off guard and kept him at a distance (I can't say that I came there with any notion I'd be delivering any "fury.")
At that time, some other people approached the bus stop - unaware of what was going on (but not for long...) Their arrival diverted his attention from me and then he launched into a verbal attack on a young woman of Asian ancestry) then I just entirely lost my shit........
"You racist loser piece of shit - shut the fuck up ..... enough.... leave her alone!"
"Make me...."
"What?"....... Oh Fuck off, get a life!!"
(WTF... I don't do this..... well.. you're doing it now..... )
At this point though, as I said earlier, I might well not have represented the model of stability, but the young women moved in behind me..... I asked her to "dial 9-11" (this happened to be the day after I had lost my phone and had not entirely followed through to determine it unretrievable). She unlocks her phone and then says, "I'm sorry, what? 9-11? and offers the phone to me (I'm neither wanting be engaged with the phone while buddy is pacing up and down the sidewalk..... nor could I be effective with her phone as the screen was all displayed in something other than my "Mother tongue." All the while his cursing ....
"ya call 9-11 you rat-bastard, see who they take away when I tell them who you are & what you do behind closed doors......" (for the record I don't "know" this guy - nor does he "know" me - Yes, a strange time for me to interject any image saving measures -"closing the door after the animals have already escaped!!"
He continues his ranting and just then the bus pulls up. The doors open and buddy just proceeds to board the bus as though nothing has transpired. The driver looks at him and says, "you can't come on the bus without shoes....."
Fuck you, I lost my shoes!!!! The matter of the bus fare was not even addressed at that point. The driver got on his radio and phoned his supervisor to report the incident in progress... In the meantime all the passengers got off the bus; so that left just the driver and this guy. The driver got off and says, "this bus isn't going anywhere until he gets off......" A couple of the other young gentlemen stated that he was spewing racist comments at them as well......
The guy comes off the bus - chucking more dirt at anyone he lays his eyes on. The bus driver gets back on the bus followed by the rest of us... Buddy gets back on the bus and we all disembark..... The driver gets on his radio again ... to see if any support was coming.
We all got back on the bus and this time the guy just stood outside the door screaming at the driver and the rest of us: "go on ya fucking bunch of losers........." The driver continued to give an ongoing report to whoever was on the radio and then shut the doors; all the while still appealing to have someone come and deal with this guy. He's still screaming from outside the bus, grabs his crotch - flips the bird and kicks the door of the bus.
The driver starts the bus and pulls away, with buddy yelling his parting remarks.
We are then informed that we will be detouring - as the stops up the block are closed as there had been a "death" on the block, that was still being investigated. The "cause" of death, was not offered nor solicited.
My postscript self-examination didn't fair for me very well..... Oh I am all too familiar with the teaching of for example: Marianne Williamson "there is only Love and an absence of (or a call for) love...
Unless we vastly broaden the idea of love .... clearly I brought something else to the table.
I haven't been in an actual physical fight for many, many years. Within my immediate peer group I held my own when I was a kid... Then the circle of influence got bigger as did the adversarial individuals, that I apparently was destined to frequently encounter. It soon became apparent that matching them physically wasn't the answer ..... I'd had a few samplings... (was otherwise subject to a frequent wide variety of bullying tactics) and I did my best to avoid these individuals - I did a lot of talking and walking away. (I suppose I thought I was "outsmarting" these people - taking the "higher" road) - it did nada, for my self-respect!!
I don't imagine I can find that place of peace within me - if I don't actually believe, I can "look after myself." I cannot love and accept myself until I see myself (warts and all). I don't behave in blatantly racist ways - and yet in my home my grandparents (immigrants themselves from England) called anyone of colour "darkies." and my dad .... to his dying day, labeled people according to their ethnic "appearance". I have been affected by this.... I have been the recipient of "white male privilege" - I don't even really know how to unpack that (but there it is). Whether I believe myself to be racist or not .... I have certainly practiced my own version of intolerance - just because it's not "racially-oriented" doesn't make it any less intolerant......
As I grew through my teen years.... I would have sold most anyone (friend or not) "under the bus" if it meant taking myself, from behind the crosshairs of some bullying.....
Now suddenly .. I will not stand by and witness bullying..... I won't take it and I won't allow it. I don't have designs on becoming some sort of vigilante caped crusader... Maybe I needed to touch the anger before I can "grieve" the pain of so much self-abandonment....
Ya...Ya .... "choose" your battles..... (not much skill or wisdom directed at this one)
Clearly I can stand to set my sights on the continued draining of the swamp..... There is not much likelihood of being the instrument of peace - if there is still layers of festering wounds that become triggered.
I am responsible for my feelings and behaviour. I certainly am responsible for taking care of myself. I am not "looking for conflict," I can't spend the rest of my life running from it, and I would prefer to be part of the solution not the ongoing problems.
This incident has cast confusion and some disillusion toward "who I am" as a person. I "pray" for the capacity to hold the truth (as it appears) with regard to the further awareness of the "shadow" of my humanity. I seek the cessation of pain and somehow vaguely see that the full acknowledgement of mine and how I continue to protect it; is necessary to have compassion for myself and others.
I am not here to inflict pain, while at the same time I am most certainly not perfect. The "illusion" of perfection itself being concocted to provide a fortress to house self-contempt and the utter pain of worthlessness, hopelessness and fear of utter annihilation.
Dylan crooned: "how many times can a man turn his head ..... pretending he just doesn't see?"
It looks like - I may just well be going to find out! Whether then answer is "blowing in the wind...." or elsewhere.
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