A couple of mornings ago, soon after arising, I found myself to be in a foul mood. Just to give some context, for me, this denotes; the sort of inner landscape, that can lead to even inanimate objects, being included in the snare of my intolerance and simmering ire. There was no particular "reason" for this angst - though it's fair to say, of late I've been processing a goulash of feelings & considering how they pertain to past, present and future.
There are times when the presence of a seasoned witness is invaluable - this was not one of those times. For you see at other times, the mere presence of someone else, is apt to rub me the wrong way. Nobody should be subject to this, through no fault of their own - suddenly they'd find themselves on the receiving end of Misérable!!
I wouldn't say I'm "anti-social," (except of course, during those moments when I am) - but when the dark clouds of "restless, irritable and discontent" descend upon me - I'm definitely "anti" - anybody in my face. At these times, "well-intended" advice, suggestions, attempts to "cheer me up," fly like a lead zeppelin.
I decided to incorporate some of what I had decided, were necessary "errands," into a morning ride on my motorcycle. I had to work, beginning mid-afternoon, so this wasn't going to be a "long ride" - but it most certainly would traverse more asphalt; than was minimally required, to complete my errands.
I have experience with meditation, walking/exercising, journaling, and it all plays an integral part of my wellness - that is of course, when I actually consistently incorporate these things, into my wakeful day. None of the above would occur this day - that part of me that perhaps, would benefit the most, was making a strong case for taking a pass (which is summed up thus: "Fuck it!!)
I got my riding gear on & went downstairs to the underground parking. There held in suspended animation, was seven hundred odd pounds of trusty steed, just waiting to be unleashed.
I put the key in the ignition - it actually went through my mind, "am I in the best frame of mind to be considering being in "care & control" of this motor vehicle? I pulled out the choke, gave the throttle a quick twist and hit the start button......
The sound of this beast waking from it's slumber (all 1500 c.c.'s of it) amplified by the acoustic properties of the underground parking was... well enough to wake the slumbering - including me. The sound and palpable vibration, instantly transformed my disposition. After a brief warming of the engine and stowing my stuff in the saddle bags - I would soon be ushered to a particular form of freedom on my Milwaukee born, rubber and steel - Magic carpet.
Yes I'm aware that I am blessed to have the option to seek such freedom. I'm also aware that my inner freedom cannot be defined by whatever I own. Nor can lasting inner peace be attained through distraction, adrenaline rushes, or seeking to alter my inner state, through outside means.
I have run the gamut... I have sought first solace and eventually oblivion, through alcohol and drugs - that represents 15 years of my life. Over the now last, over thirty one years of my "sobriety" - I have compulsively exercised (in the form of running) obsessed on attaining the magazine physique, spent a small (maybe not so small) fortune on all sorts of "quick - but not cheap" fixes. Sex, drugs, rock & roll - spirituality (in all shapes & sizes) - all of it, cobble stones that comprise the road; I incrementally chose. None of it necessarily problematic (except when it is being used explicitly to escape myself)..
There is no motorcycle fast enough to out-run myself. But there is no crime in seeking those "zen-like" states - and whatever brings you there. I'm not advocating everyone go out and buy a motorcycle -I'm not advocating anything.
I know full well, there may come a time when I can no longer handle the bike. One day when I was out at the Harley shop there was an older gentleman (meaning "older" than me!) and he was looking at the 3 wheel Harley "trike"..... They are pretty cool, however just the same, he was struggling with his present reality. I was commenting to him - "what a beautiful bike", he was looking at! His concern was "well it's either this, or my riding days are over - my bike is too damn heavy for me now!!
I felt for him - I sensed his love of riding and imagined all the experiences he'd had on his other bike. Compassion and shared humanity, maybe not what one would expect to find on the sales floor of the Harley shop - where it could easily be lost in the leather and machismo - but there it was just the same. An irony reared it head - this iconic symbol of freedom and non-conformity (the Harley Davidson motorcycle) though able to give one, hundreds of thousands of miles of open road, soaring heart and exhilaration; it is still not able to by-pass physical realities (that would also apply to emotional/spiritual).
My mental/emotional/spiritual state is as "they say" an inside job. I fully intend to enjoy this motorcycle while I can.
As time is inclined to do - it slips by pretty quickly; before I know it, I could be considering how I'm going to customize my electric scooter and more importantly. how will I get it to produce that guttural engine sound, and give me more of those "good vibrations!!"
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