Take What You Need - Leave the Rest (or all of it...)

Today we on the west-coast were blessed with a January day that conjures some of the joys and delights of spring, though we are still firmed embraced, in the "dead of winter." As it was so favourable, and my wellness suggests I get some fresh air and exercise, I set out this a.m. shortly before 9 a.m. on foot. I had in mind to attend an early morning gathering (though there are some considerably earlier) that I'm coming to realize, also represent a spoke on the wheel of my wellness.

I also had in mind, to stop by a local office and pick up a couple copies of books, that once graced my shelves, but that I had let go of (rather than let go of, the notion I had "outgrown them").

The group this a.m. could be said to have a "Spiritual slant.." what it really embodies for me, is a space where honesty is encouraged, shadows are actively engaged, owned and accepted (if only by each, for the others). Of what value is the acceptance of others? Isn't that the very thing "we" are told to renounce?

I am no stranger to doing the shadow work. However, I'm realizing newly - that while I'm busy trying to embrace my gifts and shine my light, focus on the positive etc. Slowly and insidiously, I'm being sucker punched by the darkness within.

So, I'm not trying to make a case for dwelling in the shadows. But there is nothing positive, enlightened, awakened etc. about ignoring the continued influence of my entire humanity. It is a very positive thing - to face that shadow, albeit no walk in the park. I understand the assimilation of some of the "defences" that make up, parts of my ego, to be a spiritual process - that will happen in divine timing and along lines that are divinely designed for me. The process comes to a grinding halt - if I cease to actively engage it.

I don't know what anyone else needs with respect to how they engage with their inner world.
"Get with the Program," "Love is my Religion," "Love thy Neighbour," "Do No Harm," "My Way,"  Tenets, principles, "commandments," covenants, rituals, ceremonies, sacrifice, penance, renounce, repent, salvation, conversion, transformation etc. - take all of it, none of it, some of it......

It's not for me to judge what anyone does or doesn't do. Even if I spend time with those that are exploring a particular lens - there is no "one size fits all." Your suffering is because of what you haven't done, my suffering is because of too much of what I've done. Nobody knows what is best for somebody else. That is between God and them. I'm not the poster boy for any particular path and I've spent precious little time with the proponents of all kinds of paths, so I wouldn't know how well that pathway, is operating in their life. It's not that hard to be a spokesperson - it's another thing entirely to walk the talk.

I'm not sure that the path I walk is making me a "better person," but it increasingly makes me aware, of the different ways I'm not at my best.

I can't do that without continued honesty. An honesty that probes deeply, isn't perfectionistic in nature, but also, that doesn't take off time, for "good behaviour."

A space, where "it" can be allowed to "all hang out," - allows stone by stone a pathway to be built for me, upon which to deliver more consistently, self-acceptance.

I went to the "City Hall" today as that is where they issue the current "license" for another year of busking.

The young women at the counter seemed to me to be "too young" to have developed the indifference and lack of engagement that frequently can be the presentations of those employed in bureaucratic processes. The women that served me was warm enough to begin with; until, it was determined that I what I wanted, was the application for a new busking license; then the arctic front slipped in. You'd think I asked for a license to hunt baby seals or something.

I fully realize that not everyone looks upon "busking" as a legitimate form of well, anything - just the same it's city sanctioned, she works as a representative of "the city," so the chippy attitude is unmerited.

She knows nothing about me. For instance I am a homeowner, within the municipality of the City of Victoria... I pay taxes within that very municipality.

Having been engaged previously with some honest reckoning with regard to my own humanity, on this occasion; it allowed me, to have some space for compassion for me and then in turn for her. I'm powerless over her opinions. I'm also powerless over how I came to create my own self-judgment (which I on occasion project on others) - I'm not however, powerless over changing my attitude.

How have I been affected by an always pervasive capitalist system, that values (or devalues) human beings based on their position with in some valueless hierarchy? How does this then, coupled with my own insecurities, trigger my own self-condemnation? It's no huge secret that "the system" is deeply flawed. It serves no useful purpose for me to place myself as it's chief critic, allowing myself to completely ignore that I was born within it, and have lived my life affected by it. It doesn't mean I can't be part of change - it would begin with how I personally engage. Nothing is going to change if I hide from myself in my "rage against the machine."

How do I even know she was judging me? Maybe she was just bored out of her skull; or disgruntled about the workload that lay in front of her or that Canada lost the "World Juniors"... anything could have been going on within her...

"Know the difference I can make - is within me"

"Have the courage to continue to face myself and be willing to change...."

I don't know what that is going to look like, or when it's going to happen.

I do know, that playing "God" in my life has never worked - it certainly doesn't work any better; if I assume the role of God, in anybody else's life.

I don't think I'd care to know, just how much of my life has been exhausted, while focused on my self-righteous anger - it would be significant I'm sure. More useful I believe, is to know that it is so, and become willing to let it go. I'm not talking about the natural human emotion of anger, I'm talking about an inclination to define what I believe is best (in you name it) and then seethe with anger when it doesn't go that way. The momentary "hit" of superiority, is surely of little merit, compared to the toll frequently stirring myself into a cesspool of fetid anger.  I'm pretty sure sustained anger won't show on many lists of wellness tips.

There are most certainly different practices, connections and observances that contribute to my feeling better within myself. I'm not proposing that they be adopted by anyone else. Sometimes despite my chosen path way - I still don't present my best foot forward. This neither makes me a failure nor my chosen practices. An honest appraisal will identify where there lies the need for me to clean up my side of the street.

The need for self-love and acceptance is every present for me; especially, if I do not live up to the tenets of some spiritual path. I accept the truth of the imperfection of my humanity. I don't use that as an excuse - I can use guidelines of "perfection" as guide-posts of where I am at. Regardless, love is the appropriate response - even when my response has been unloving - it's still a call for love (at least from me) - it's not a given it will come from anyone else - except for God.

R. O'Neill (January 14, 2018)