"The bottom!" The bottom of what? Does that have a physical address? A GPS coordinate? A composite series of life circumstances, which combine to represent the "perfect storm," the "last straw," the "eleventh hour.."
Dark night....
Soul's plight....
Torn asunder....
Nothing's right!!!
If one has "reached the bottom.." is it a given they will never reach there again? Would this presumption constitute "success?" Implying of course in a dualistic paradigm, that to revisit the bottom multiple times, would be indicative of "failure!!" Why would it be assumed the pain of the "bottom" is going to become the catalyst for recovery rather than be the more painful trigger to further acting out the addiction?
Who could even begin to define what the "bottom," is for anyone else, or that a cyclical reoccurrence, had yielded precisely the same place? (complete with identical "conditions..")
I find myself wrestling with a deeper knowing that: I don't want to dwell in my past, I don't wish to shut the door on it (in as much, as each, of it's nuanced tragedies, could be turned to be, the fabric of hope, for others) - and most certainly, I don't want to consider myself "better than my past." This doesn't mean the self-loathing, terror, low self-worth, self-judgement, condemnation, and self-punishment continue to define my present. But it most definitely means, that to rise through the stratification of society, material acquisition or any other way, I externally try to present a more "loveable" - cut to my jib; neither "drains the swamp," spells an end to the permutations addiction can take, or provides (for me) an acceptable (nor viable) justification, to turn my back on my history, that which gave me release from some of the more life threatening aspects of it, (God... whatever that is) and those aspects within, that are still reinventing their unique version of the bottom and continue to seek respite from pain, if not recovery.
I sought the "spiritual answers" to what had been an existential agony and through some form of Grace, have been given a now, near 32 years, of a reprieve. Of course that "freedom" didn't prevent life to continue right on "lifing;" as I'm still here, it has over time provided me; the opportunity, to hone tools that I may never have found or developed otherwise. (none of which render me impervious to further inner truth and self-recognition, uncertainty, doubt, fear, aimlessness, compulsion)....
Is this the failure of the paradigm/s I've chosen to follow (cherry-pick from, combine, renounce, abandon) - is this my failure to apply "correctly," spiritual practices etc.? Is anyone applying these tenets with flawless execution and thereby walking, the embodiment of a divine efficacy?
Does my "unique" story separate me from a collective story of humanity and it's evolution? I was convinced at various legs of my journey that what I had gained, in terms of reduced suffering and insight ... was of value to others. I've also come to know of my own self-righteousness through the same journey ... that coupled with further reassertion, of my active addiction, has fuelled a compulsive pursuit of "spirituality" beyond the point of being a useful and healthy foundation for life. "The hungry ghost" sought to claim "seeker" as my "identity," and marker of superiority to mask an abysmal sense of worthlessness. Terror of the unknown and my own annihilation (ironic given how I sought oblivion with such self-destructive enthusiasm) create for me both a known & unconscious "dogma," that excludes all that don't follow it. Large swaths of my life remained "unmanageable" while I made "spirituality" my life. The "spiritual" path I deemed as being a significantly "higher" road than those that "mindlessly" pursued material and social status. The insanity of that delusion was I sought status for my spiritual pursuit, in a society that doesn't give a shit about spirituality (unless you are making a truck-load of money doing it).
Even many that inhabit the bastions of organized religion are more concerned about being seen in their ever growing wardrobe of "Sunday bests;" and where do you think, the used car marketing claim - "this baby was only ever driven to church on Sundays" came from?
It would seem most anything can be commandeered by the wounded (disconnected) and therefore addictive part of my being - in the case of spirituality - it created literally a holier than most attitude, while it still stoked the fires of "I don't belong" and am not welcome and I can't let up from this vigilant pursuit of and pious representation for even a minute lest the truth of my defectiveness be allowed to ooze to the foreground.
Of course this isn't entirely my wound and projection. Nothing can create exclusion like some collectives of "spiritual communities." The combined righteousness of "their way," being harnessed to keep any that aren't, "with us" - OUT!
Cliques and inner community politics reserve the platform of esteem, for the chosen few (even within their own ranks - let alone those that hold a different view from other paths).
Leaders exercise coercion and manipulation, exploiting the fears and insecurities of the "flock."
I'm powerless over the dynamics in such collectives. It is enough for me to know they exist. So that I can guard against my becoming victimized & recognize in what ways, I continue to create disconnection, while compulsively seeking paths, with an intention of realizing a greater connection.
I am not interested in "paths" that feature centralized power dynamics. I'm not interested in conditionally loving collectives, that define emphatically, what I should respect about "their beliefs," while any questions or indication that I don't share those beliefs, is met with a complete lack of care or concern for me; and can result in one finding themselves ostracized toot sweet!! There was a time in human evolution where exile from the "tribe" meant certain death.... surely it remains hardwired into the survival mechanism... beyond healthy human connection - it serves no useful purpose.
One's humanity/spirituality can now quite readily, be seem as just something else to be marketed to with literally infinite experts, gurus, practitioners, coaches, guides, therapists etc. lining the wings. The expansion of the internet is probably driven in no small part, by the volume of those claiming, to have all the answers. A clue for me in my own compulsive pursuit is the imbalance between the fees charged for such services and how much work I would need to do, to generate that amount of money.
How exactly is the marketing of "spirituality" which many would describe as a recognition of the interconnection of everything - even possible, within a society that is predicated on individualism and financial hierarchy? An attempt to sell connection to the disconnected masses; marketing and promotion widening the divisiveness of society - all promising such things as "financial freedom" (touted as being synonymous with enlightenment) which instead, becomes the new standard by which a neurotic public, can then further discredit itself.
I have struggled through my life... to accept "life on life's terms. I'm not making a blanket claim with regard to what anyone's "fee structure" should or shouldn't be. However, in order to live within my means, I can't afford this high priced help. It's not a question of respecting or not respecting the credential of anyone - it's a reckoning with respecting the truth for me; that if I'm digging myself a hole financially, in the pursuit of spirituality/healing - for me it's just another self-destructive racket I'm running. Another high, followed by an inevitable crash... and then an insatiable compulsion to quell the pain of that crash... and restore the "bliss.." (sound familiar? - it sure as hell does to me!)
No practitioner of anything is going to ask whether I can afford it - "this is the fee structure, take it or leave it." ("you must be willing to put some flesh in the game.." the money represents your commitment to yourself.... blah - blah - blah) .... no, actually the money represents a month's mortgage payment and groceries!!! - well perhaps you, are just not ready yet...
I need release from the compulsion to act out compulsively. No group is the source of love and approval that will fill the void that exists within me. I continue to tear that void wider and deeper by abandoning myself within said situations; in order to win approval, that is not theirs, to give in the first place. Not a great formula for healing, though a very effective way to foster self-loathing.
I don't know what anyone else needs. If what ever they are doing and believing quote, "gets them through the night," Great! Truth of the matter is, who sees them through the night, or for that many "mornings after?" So you see their "game" face..... then who knows??
I wrote a book - I tried to frame as "sacredness" what one holds passionately in their own heart. I tried to offer hundreds of questions that could point one back toward the answers within themselves - answers that might reveal, life long patterns that were no longer effective, identify strengths, areas were "growing edges existed - to create and work towards, dream realization. I cited the depths of my own personal dark life challenges and their being overcome; to offer demonstration and inspiration, for those that doubted themselves. Maybe the book has no inherent value to anyone but me; he that grew and changed while writing it, and trying to get it out in the world. Maybe there is more to value than commercial acclaim and financial return?
Note I didn't say that I had, the answers ... I said, I created the story of a 40 day challenge (while partaking in the challenge) - I further laid out a template that anyone could use to seek their own answers (from within themselves) I didn't say I was going to provide them. I can't find the bottom to my questions - never mind know the answer to hitting the bottom. I was inspired to write a book and I did it... I published it and I worked some at putting it "out there." Does it mean I'm "all that..." of course not!! Still it is an accomplishment for me personally.... despite the fact it bypassed everything from best-seller lists to bargain bins.
Maybe the book (or a box full) would better serve someone, that is living without heat and needs fuel for their stove. At least then I could contribute to them not freezing to death. There some of them out there in the world... it's not actually my business what purpose they are serving.. Could be door stops, maybe a book end for the "real books" - toilet paper. Maybe they found their way into the hands of those that called them into being ... I wouldn't know, it's not my problem.
It's entirely possible that while I became for a time, more "visible" through my writing - that the same, is leading me back to a place, where I will resume, utter invisibility. Does this mean I will then "hide my lamp beneath the bushel.." Not necessarily - it might just mean, that I will engage myself thoroughly enough, through whatever light I can come to recognize in myself - but I will spend absolutely no time, trying to draw anyone's attention to it.
I need to take a quantum leap away from consumption ... before I am entirely consumed. I need to love myself enough to walk away from collectives that are far more concerned with their "emperor's new clothes" than having any regard for who I am. I need to stand in who I am and not look for, or expect to find, validation from outside of myself. Someone that won't conform, is seen as parasitic to the whole organism (group). The chances of the group culture/mindset changing are slim to none. Think of the atrocity that has been enacted by groups identified with a particular way, upon others throughout history and continuing to this very day. I would suggest that the same dynamic happens within various groups that lay claim to a spiritual path as well. There is more fear about being outed by the group, than concern for, its collective behaviour. No group should be exempt from a thorough and continued rigorous self-examination. If a room full of people is "threatened" by new ideas or a different way of doing or expressing something.... ahhhhhh - RED FLAG!!
I need to continue to reckon with my addictions... to people, places and things (to mindsets, anger, righteousness, grandiosity, drama, conflict and separation. I need to learn to trust my heart, my own discernment, to trust that when I believe "something stinks... it stinks" - it doesn't matter how many people try to tell me other wise - or how loud they proclaim it.
There is no off-the-rack humans... why would it be supposed, that there is one-size-fits-all spirituality?
Karma, trauma, history, genetic inheritance, life experience, soul "mission...." I couldn't begin to unravel any or all of that, for someone else. For the most part, I might only be privy to a minute glimpse into any of it ... if any at all.
Addiction encompasses the very real possibility of relapse - this is not the failing of the individual, this is a talisman of their addiction. Joining a "spiritual community" doesn't necessarily spell the end of the journey of addiction - it can become the addiction. There can be any number of people shrouding themselves in the tenets of that particular group - while oblivious to their own addictions.
I am unquestionable both responsible for what I "do" about my addiction and I am powerless over the environment I came from and the survival strategies I created within it. I am grateful today for the ingenuity of whatever part of me orchestrated my survival. The truth of the matter was my physical needs were more than amply provided for. I received a financial legacy later in life that is a perfect metaphor for what represented "love" in that environment. I've also gone through the lion's share of it - it has neither been my salvation nor my damnation. There is nothing inherently bad about money... nor intrinsically good about it. There are certain pragmatic advantages to having some. To place an imbalanced importance upon it and consciously or unconsciously trying to buy my inner peace ... has once again brought to bare upon my attention, emotional/spiritual bankruptcy. Is this the "bottom" maybe... I can tell you of it, it is a "state" that robs the sun from the sky, spring from the step, has no concern for financial standing, and begins to view an insidious enlarging swath of human existence as pointless.
Some guidance or more accurately, a skillful redirecting of my attention, toward what is going on within myself, can certainly be helpful at various places in a lifetime. But it neither needs to come through expensive treatment, nor should it necessarily have you linked to someone's service indefinitely. My identity should not be established by my "spiritual" affiliation. If anything I believe it should help me peel away the shit from the shine-ola so I can become more clear about "who I am.."
I live in a city that features horse drawn carriages during the summer for the extraction of tourist dollars. Regardless about what one believes about the practice as a whole ... they most definitely work the best when the horse pulls the carriage. My life so often is epitomized by the cart dragging the horse or tail wagging the dog.
Of course there is something to be said for some form of human interaction.... for me what is required is the continued mirroring of authenticity (the good, the bad, and the ugly). A steady diet of white-washing, will invariably lead to me resurrecting my delusions - I begin to mistake the map for the territory, put far too much attention and importance on that which is due very little, if any at all. I lose sight of the "giver" and focus entirely on the "gifts..." and left to my own devices ... I might just begin to act as though I am, the giver. There might be a healthy balance attainable, between community and personal autonomy and honesty - I have found it to be elusive. Of course this may continue to reflect my continued establishing of some clear idea of who I am and what I stand for, which granted can shift and change throughout a lifetime. I wouldn't know about anyone else's story, but mine involved no clear sense of myself right out of the gate and what I did "know" about me, held me, in very low regard.
My boundaries are not entirely absent... I am finding the courage to speak at times when I would have frequently remained silent. Do I always know what a given situation requires - no! However, it doesn't mean I don't have something I need to say about it. I have everything to lose, by remaining silent. I don't know about anyone else, but there is nothing useful for me, about handing my power over to any group "leader." I will now exercise that knowing and practice accordingly. Sometimes there might be a need to stay in a situation and continue to hold my centre and truth within it - maybe there will be change outward... maybe I'll see an outcome or development I would have missed if I had bolted. Other times the necessary thing for me is to leave - it doesn't necessarily denote a wholesale denunciation of what goes on - I can both take care of myself and refrain from condemnation.
There is no "perfect" humanity - progress for me is to learn some more gentleness and understanding for my development. This in turn gives me a gradually increasing ability to exercise some patience and tolerance of others. Key word being "gradually." Addiction is rife with a want for instant gratification, delayed reward is unthinkable and the development of such a mindset though not impossible, is labour intensive and glacially slow (at least so it seems to me). Impulsiveness is wired in (not permanently so I see, referring to current research on brain science) Emotional responses and addictive compulsions, can be observed in action, through a development of mindfulness practices. Otherwise, the fuse is lit - the wheels are turning from 0 - 120 in a heartbeat and behaviour takes place by rote. In no time at all, there I sit, enveloped in a fog bank of remorse, bewilderment and despair - the legacy of my conditioned responses and collateral damage of my own tirade. This necessarily must be represented as my "unique" story (even though I know it's not) for any hope of continued liberation from my addictions, I work toward changing "the one that I can" (maybe).
Few if any would care to consider the underlying mechanisms I have described (there undoubtedly remains far more that I don't have awareness of) - I say this because for these same people, when then judge, over-simplify and reject others, they don't have a fucking clue, what they are doing (I include myself as "people.")
If people actually experienced first hand the depth and agony of exclusion and self-righteousness maybe they wouldn't be so quick to exercise it. I know the pain as both victim and perpetrator; again not an entirely unique experience - however I can only tell my story. The story of others is none of my business - unless they choose to share some of it with me, and I'm prepared to listen.
In order to give this post a point of conclusion, I must of course, conclude. As there is no clear indication my life is about to end - I actually can't conclude, much of anything.
I suppose that is both a blessing and a curse.
R. O'Neill (January 23, 2019)
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