Can One Day be, Like No Other?

" Another day, another opportunity....." Opportunity for what? Will what you envision materialize... upon said other day or anytime at all? Well, increasingly, I entertain that it is possible that what was doesn't absolutely hold true for today. Though some "realities" take hold and are not subject to change for a very long time. How much, can any individual effect change, on those deeply entrenched life occurrences? 

For example, though I have moved (from one city to a much smaller one) I still reside on Vancouver island, which is part of the Province of British Columbia (one of the geographical sub-divisions of "Canada." I personally don't wave a flag to identify with any of that, but perhaps it offers the reader some context. There was just a "provincial election," which resulted in a vastly different representation, whenever the Legislature reconvenes, than what existed previously.

The New Democratic Party lost, resulting in a significant majority, being made possible for the BC Conservative Party. How different will this make life in British Columbia? Time will tell ..... 
Urban myth would have one believe, that NDP is all about the people and looking after "workers...." they would have one believe, that they and for the most part, only they, are champions of the oppressed. Are they? Well they say yes, as do the media pundits, that spin their narrative. But there is much to suggest that if they ever did occupy anything a kin to center/left, they have drifted farther and farther to the left. At this time, to disagree with their policies, to speak out won't land you in exile, but for sure your career might well abruptly end, while your reputation is destroyed, you may roam "free" but for all intents and purposes, you will exist in social/economic/professional exile.

The NDP that were handed their butts, had a majority (albeit razor thin) still had two years left in their current mandate when their "leader," a self-proclaimed "Socialist..." decided to call a snap election, on top of an already scheduled Municipal election. Why? (only he knows for sure what his motives were...) however, he began his campaign, down the path of blaming the all Canadian scapegoat Trump..... no doubt there are some realities in Canada and else where, in the world that Trump, is only making worse. However, there are far more problems in this country, that pre-existed him even getting back in office. Politicians at all levels of government have been exploiting the long standing (insecurity driven) Canadian past time, of dissing Americans, whipping it into a frenzy and directing all that rage at Trump (an all to convenient and long-standing distraction from what is actually going on here at home. The now ex-Premier tried to about face on his campaign multiple times, desperately trying to justify the millions of dollars that would be spent on this unnecessary election.

The NDP are all about growing the size of government (not unlike the federal "Liberals,") both levels of government are constantly crowing about job creation, but upon closer examination, the jobs are for the most part, public sector government jobs (paid for by taxpayers)... in sectors where failure results in "government subsidies...." more tax dollars...... Private investment and large companies are getting out of Dodge. While these charlatans virtue signal their way into manufacturing what exactly?? Inflation is out of control (government printing money) crime - steadily rising, homelessness (increasing) food bank patronage (off the charts)... 

So then, will the newly appointed to office, BC Conservatives "save the day...?" Honestly, I don't know. In a world where those claim to be the champions "for the people" (communists and fascists along with their watered down comrades... the "socialists...." always began their scourge, by creating the crisis and then convincing the people, they would save them from their imminent demise), once the bait was taken the trap snapped shut quickly and mercilessly. There is no more "black and white" in political arenas than any other facet of life, it is still after all, comprised of human beings along with the human condition. 

Apparently BC hasn't had a Conservative government for a very long time. The vast majority of those that bothered to vote, convinced that they were holier than thou, by electing and re-electing those that were "for the people.." everyone else, were only there to do the bidding of the corporations.... Those on the left label anyone that disagrees with them, an "right wing extremist....." if you so much as ask a question, cast doubt on a popularly held notion..... dare to voice another viewpoint ... boom!!! You're relegated to the right wing and to the extreme at that...... All the while, those that claim to be all about inclusion, and equality, protection from hate crimes, racism, bullying, violence...... go at anyone that disagrees with their viewpoint.... screaming, red-faced, eyes-bugged out, spewing language that is anything but, tolerant, respectful, compassionate, empathetic - it is nothing more than rage/violence..

So then, if one faction can present so completely and absolutely, as those that represent all that is good and yet turn a blind eye; to social decay, growing poverty, increased crime etc. What's to say, that those wrapped in a different veneer, go on to come off, far from what they sold themselves as.

Here's what I know, the analogy used, to discredit government's, that run massive deficits (printing money that has no under-pinning.... driving the Province or Country, further and further into debt) as being flawed, based on the premise that, if you ran your personal finances that way, spending money you don't have, borrowing money beyond your ability to service the debt.... then borrowing more money make the payments on the previously borrowed money..... eventually, leads to a shattering crash!!!! 

How do I know, because I've lived it! If financial planners used visual aid, citing the habits and financial practices of two types of people .... I would be the poster boy for "don't do this......!!!!!!"

The federal Liberals and the now out-going NDP handle the money they've been entrusted to oversee, like drunk sailors on shore leave. Run out, print more, raise taxes ... rinse repeat... Those that support them are too busy consuming the myriad of distractions to really scrutinize those that are stealing them blind.

For the life of me I don't know how the idea of Conservativism can have been twisted to represent nothing but evil.

Conservative.... "Easy Does It..." "Don't count your chickens before they hatch" Don't put all your eggs in one basket..." Save for a Rainy Day.... These are what I think of when considering what it is to "conserve..." Long did I ignore such wisdom.... and now I pay the price (pun intended...)

I know that there are those that hide within a "Conservative" representation, that harbour ideas that are not all squeeky and wholesome..... This is absolutely true of those that come on stage and instead of Blue, they are wrapped in Orange, or Red or Green...... whatever it takes to convince enough people to vote for and uphold, their passage to office .... then the most egregious practices, are sold through the smoke and mirrors, wrapped in your favorite colour, and proclaimed to be for the common good of all that is good and of course each in their chosen group, are the embodiment of just that, the rest must perish as that is their lot!! 

So then, where lies the "opportunity..." I'm thinking more and more for myself .... (that could be the answer right there).... I believe there is not much to be gained by continuing to bear witness to the political stage and that it hopes to purvey and convey....

Moment to moment day by day, search your heart, if something seems off, wrong, out of alignment ... good chance it is.... Then the clear (not easy) choice is to say NO!

From Eternity to Here

 I reckon I should begin this missive, with some account, regarding time spent absent, from this platform. Can I do so without telling a story, possibly, but it's not about to happen. So now having given fair warning, if you don't feel inclined to "engage" the story, perhaps you're in a hurry, maybe you have developed an appetite for 30 sec (or less) sound bytes or "the elevator presentation," you are free to be on your way: Vaya Con Dios!

Interestingly, I'm not even sure how long it has been, even if I were to track time through looking at the last post (date) .... I'm not entirely sure I could account, for every drop of water, under the bridge from then until now.

In general terms, I think I lost my inspiration to write, during the "world event" (2020 - 2024) or there abouts. Previous to that, the content was something of stew, framed within, my personal "spiritual" journey/exploration, stream of consciousness, musing (sometimes bordering on "opinion" ... some might have said "over-opinionated." observations, contemplation, quest for the truth.... I believe I continued, at the onset of said world event, but the longer it continued, the more despondent I became. There would be nuanced facets, to what was going on for me within myself, however, I could exercise some brevity here, and acknowledge that my mindset at the time, spiraled into that which could be expressed thus: FUCK IT!!

I began to doubt that I had anything further to say, and it seemed to me in a rather dumbfounding and inexplicable way, many were satisfied to be spoon-fed - what to believe, whom to hold in contempt and how they could best define themselves, through a "virtuous lens." from the likes of the CBC. What can be said about a "news" outlet, that owes its very existence, to on operating budget that is 75% taxpayer funded, yet they turn off the comment section on their feeds, so that no one can interact with their claims and proclamations. I believe, I just said all that needs to be said.

All this time later, I sit in front of a new (refurbished) laptop - my previous computer retired itself a few weeks ago (was it backed up.... ya at some but effectively NO!) So much for me has been about an ability and willingness to let go. The old laptop could be seen like those sand mandelas the monks make it was, it served and it is finished. I attempted to access this blog platform and could see things I had written in the past, but was unable to gain access to the compositional section of the platform,  that made possible, writing. 

Following various threads of fragmented, woefully inadequate tech knowledge, some google searches, multiple verification codes, invitations to provide a recovery email, and finally a list of different email addresses that were familiar enough once I saw them, but that were inaccessible to my mind, when presented with the notion that the blog platform would be associated with a particular address. Well that narrows it right down then!! Bloody Hell! One of them contained, a surname I no longer use (yes legally) along with a email provider's name that has been "inactive" for many a day.

Some combination of all of that has resulted in my ability to actively engage this blog platform once again, for how long? Who knows!!

I know longer live, in the city of my birth (Victoria) I have taken up residence in a small town 2 hrs. north from the province's capital. Most of this past year, has been spent traveling back and forth from Victoria to Parksville, where more recently, time here, was spent house hunting, as I had managed to sell my condo in Victoria. I now have a "manufactured home" within a manufactured home park - in the lingo of some (if your following along) that could in effect, make me "trailer trash..." It is a lovely home, the park is on a dead-end road, that takes me from my front door, 5 min. down the hill to beach access, where I can walk, as far as I care to, in either direction along the shoreline. No longer am I awakened at all hours by sirens and emergency vehicles, subject to the growing, sprawling density, and insufferable "woke" politics.

I opened the door to significant change and a shit-ton of work, all of which is now demonstrating itself to have been a divine gift to my nervous system. I can attest newly, to the adage, "to make an omlette one must break a few eggs.

That it not be entirely self-indulgent, I hope my continued (revisited) want to write, will reach and resonate with others. I would still need to clarify, I will write because it feeds something in me, in addition to that,  the last number of years, has removed for me, any last threads of a willingness, to massage my content, to appease the sentiments of anyone else.

This seems a good a place as any to wrap this session (or cease this wrap). I just received a call that my vehicle is ready to pick up (I brought it to a local dealer) in response to some "recall" issues that needed addressing. The journey with this vehicle might well feature in a story of its own, contingent on my "recalling" to spin that yarn.

Peace Out!    

Know God, Know Peace - No God, No Peace

 "Absolute power corrupts absolutely." - Lord Acton

One doesn't have to look far to recognize that the realms of politics (along with compliant, subsidized media) the corporate jungle, all the way up to the "halls of justice," operate devoid of any moral compass. There are many a great writer/journalists that can and have, researched and written exhaustively, on these topics. Each infinitely more qualified than I, to illuminate these matters. All to say, there's no need for me to try in kind. Break your dependence on MSM, loosen your death grip on your pet notions about "how things are..." open your propaganda addled mind and consider, things are not always, if ever, the way they are presented (again & again....)

 As disheartening and down right terrifying at times that this can be, one might presume they could seek solace in their "spiritual community." Surely those that identify with, while immersing themselves in, the doctrines of moral fortitude; that listen to talks about such virtues as unconditional love, compassion, empathy, integrity etc. while lining their bookshelves with books espousing in kind (along with transformation in 7 - 12 steps) would offer a safe haven, a respite, a sanctuary - a virtual "harbour within which one could seek shelter from the storm." 

Right?

WRONG!!!

While I won't suppose to tarnish all spiritual circles everywhere, how could I? I have not experienced all that gather everywhere together, and in solitude, across the far reaches of planet earth. But I can assure you, that in some "communities" (where once again there would be those in attendance, for whom sincere seeking, and altruistic visions comprise their hearts) while at the same time their are pockets of those, that seek "personal power," for whom resistance to the allure of control, proves to be impossible to resist. So then, instead of an oasis of peace and serenity, there is cut-throat politics, character assassination, even hostile take-overs. So enmeshed in identifying with position on organizational hierarchy, humanity can place a distant second, while truth becomes collateral damage.

One must exercise considerable discernment when considering becoming involved in such circles. Groups or leaders branded as "spiritual," are definitely not all created equally! It can be quite disheartening to bring heart and soul to such a gathering - only to experience one form of abuse or another. After all isn't that the sort of behaviour you came to leave behind?

I suppose the truth is, all varieties of dysfunction, that comprise the challenges of the human condition, can be found in and outside, of spiritual circles. It's not a reason to stay, and may well be just cause, to move on. For me, it is important not to let such experiences harden my heart. Forgiveness may be invoked for those involved (including myself). I can take what I learned about myself, as grist for the mill of my continued evolution. While I believe in the value of forgiveness - I wouldn't set myself up to be victimized by the same people again, nor others that conduct themselves that way.  There are lessons to affirm regarding my gut senses/ intuition and paying attention to "red-flags" when I become aware of them. If it seems "off" it probably is. Trust that and get out. Also true, I don't want any of them living rent-free in my head nor do I care for the prospect of, wreaking havoc on my wellness, by harbouring resentment.

People will do and be who they are, there is nothing I can do about that. I do have the choice regarding how I show up (or not). 

"Be the change in the world, I wish to see."

"God grant me the serenity 

To accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference."

Rob O'Neill (December 16, 2025)

Simply Said

 Greetings to any, for whom this collection of musings finds it's way to you. I have been relatively inactive on this blog (okay, in all honesty it has been languishing somewhere between stagnation and obscurity). I can't say that it was vastly well distributed and read even when I was more consistent (much more). But I did discover there was far more readers than I imagined.

So for now, I will say, I'm going to take another stab at it. I don't know the frequency at present. I think to any hope of keeping anyone's attention, it needs to have some consistency and cannot wait for me to "be inspired." If you've ever read this blog before then you know it consists one occasions of poetry (of sorts) while the musings, meander around encompassing personal experience, perspective, and witnessing of "slices of life" and sharing of what I'll call in this moment - "consciousness dumps..."

Let the games begin: "Jesus" was quoted as saying, "Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me." (Matthew 25:40)

This passage (or the idea my memory held of it) came to the fore today. My partner and I, were having lunch at a coffee/eatery, which is midway from the small town 2hrs. north, where we spent the last 4 or so days, and Victoria which has been "home" for me, my entire life (or said another way, seems like and eternity..) We were nearly ready to leave, when a women was observed going table to table down the long corridor asking people for "spare change." On the one hand, given the state of the economy and the crushing inflation - who has spare money (or money to spare) - except of course, the ?governing bodies that have created the economic crisis, but good luck getting any money from them. You have to travel to some offshore tax haven. But I do digress.

Eventually she made her way to where I was still sitting and asked me the same question she had posed to each table in turn. I said yes, I could come up with something. Am I brimming over with money? Hell no! I got some pension money coming in and that's currently about it. However, I just finished lunch, I would be completing the journey down island in a warm, dry car and be brought back to my apartment (home) also warm and dry (albeit a little low on provisions). I reasoned the $3.00 I gave her would neither make or break my day (how do I know that when I go to the grocery store I won't end up being $3.00 short? I don't, I don't know much - I suppose that's me exercising a little faith).

I can hear some already - "what are you doing, she will just spend it on drugs..." she just might! When I decide to give someone money, I divest myself of any opinion or notion that I have any right to decide what they will, should or should not, spend the money on! For those of you thinking this way, the last time you got a cheque (or auto-deposit) did it come with restrictions or opinions on how you spend it?? (likely not, though those same government bandits, will do just that if left unchecked).... So lighten up on the judgment about what someone else may do. Then there is the other crowd.... "teach a man (or woman) how to fish......." well enough of that too! She wasn't asking for a fish (yes I'm infinitely aware of the parable and use of metaphor). This was an in the moment request (and presumably need) it's not my place to be her "life coach..." in my judgement, she looked tired, she already had to wrestle with herself, and run the risk of some self-righteous inflection be directed her way, each time she asked. Maybe, just maybe people just need a break...

Did I save her life? I don't know... Will this change her life? I don't know that either. She asked me for something and I decided I was able to oblige her request (if even in a small way) she thanked me, I wished her well.... and she moved on. 

Is life really "that simple?" It could be... I don't like how much the government (at all levels) robs from me in taxes. I disagree with their policies and the premises under which they extract that money. I largely don't believe much if any of it is going where they would have us believe it's going. I also don't know how to solve this dilemma. The scenario I described previously is not to "virtue signal" or paint myself as a hero (I'm not looking for accolades) - just describing an example of me - being the change, I want to see in the world. Simply that! I don't know how to stop the wars. But, I have a fighting chance of disarming the arsenal within myself. I don't know how to stop the globalists, but I will refuse to comply with any of their agenda and ignore their "catastrophes!" 

My adopted mother used to say of me, "you could complicate the Lord's prayer" (no she didn't write a book on child-rearing) she also said, "you're as stubborn as the day is long...." she didn't teach me self-confidence or self-respect when I was child. However that childhood served as "grist for the mill..." for my ongoing spiritual journey. She was right, I can over-complicate things - answer: KISS (Keep it Simple Sweetheart). My "stubbornness" at times is nothing more nothing less - than just that. However, it has also be refined to yield persistence, resilience and the ability to stand for what I believe in. Which as time passes I realize means I may well stand "alone..." In the instance of this story, perhaps my actions subject to the scrutiny of others would have me standing alone... However, what if those very actions were what convinced her, in that moment that she wasn't alone????

Say What Needs to be Said

 During time near lost, known as "Ye Olde"

Was said: "All that glitters is not gold

For they that uttered, words so bold

Languish in exile, receive shoulder cold

If every individual possesses

A unique set of fingerprints

How incredulous then

That Creation/Creator

Imagined humanity

In its entirety

Would be reduced/enslaved

By severe domestication/homogenization

Why would one insist

That only that which

Has been sourced from

Steeped narratives

Can then yield credibility

When wisdom

From yester-year

Reminds:

The emperor

That laid claim

To being clad newly

Was, butt-naked!

All is not

As it appears

Awaken from 

The doldrums of hypnosis

Surrender not

Your critical eye

Lest resigned

To be plunged

Ever more into silence

"No prophet is accepted in his hometown"

A heroes welcome eludes those that seek & speak

the truth (though by it's very nature, it must come to light)...

R. O'Neill (December 07, 2025)

Liberating Shadow

I'm not an "educated" man
What story then
Could be told
Let alone
Relevancy

One lifetime
Three surnames
Foundational
"Identity"
Undefined

Conversely
Allegiance
Self-determined
Aligned within
While
External conflict
Rages

Accolades
Sweetly flavoured
Pitfalls
Enjoyed
For a 
Fleeting moment
 Then
Released
Before
Being dashed
Upon the
Fickle rocks
Of
Disapproval

Neither
Defines me
Neither then
My 
Undoing

"Unexamined life"
"Not worth living"
Though
In doing so
I'm 
Hard-pressed
To 
Recall 
Anything noteworthy

It's entirely
Possible
Whatever time
I have left
Might be
Best spent
Atoning
For acts
of
Omission
and
Commission 

While 
Endeavouring
To
Do no
Further harm

 

Freedom - "Just Another Word.....?"

 If you are at all like me, and your "spiritual" exploration/development, personal growth/healing has involved the trolling of bookshelves that bring those matters in print to your attention, then you've heard of Robin Sharma (a.k.a - "The Monk That Sold His Ferrari...")

Over the last 5 years I have been the owner and rider of a 2002 Harley Davidson Softtail Nighttrain motorcycle (which I was informed earlier today, sold at an auction). It was a journey of its own last week when half-way through my one week up-island vacation, I rode back to town on the bus (an approx. 2hr trip) to pick up the motorcycle and ride it back more or less the same distance, the same day - in order to place it in the hands of the auction house for this weekend's auction.

I was reminded of Sharma's book, by this personal saga of my own. I have indeed written a book, I also now have just let go of what for some, would be a coveted material possession. Though that would be where the similarities between Sharma and I end (as far as I know) - though the last picture I saw of him illustrated we both have parted with our hair (me 15+ years ago, as my hair began parting me, rather than me it.... I wouldn't know when, where, how or why Sharma made his "hairstyle choice.")

Am I a "Monk" before, during or after my sojourn with the motorcycle? I make no such claim. I also didn't nor don't claim to have been a "biker" by virtue of having owned the motorcycle. I have tattoos and piercings (many of which I had before owning the motorcycle). Needless to say, human inclination to over -simplify and categorize would have different people create different stories, based on observing the afore mentioned choices.

If anything media and politically driven pigeon-holing and derisive/divisive labeling has only worsened over the last few years - so the "boxes" that are available to further subdivide and label one have expanded exponentially. And maybe never, has there been a time when it is more important that one "know thyself!"

I feel a great sense of relief the motorcycle is gone now. The novelty was wearing thin. I satisfied my desire and curiosity to "own" a Harley. But as time advanced, I was less willing to have my day to day life centre around this rather pricey mode of transportation (albeit purchased used). I never "identified" with it, though I admittedly got a little kick out of it from time to time when someone complemented the bike. That said, as is true of anything externally located, the impact on one's inner reality was/is, fleeting at best.

I listed the bike at the end of last summer (not in hindsight, the time to move a motorcycle) perhaps reflective of my indecisiveness at the time with no true resolve to get it gone. As I pondered it's confined occupation in part of my parking spot - the concern for the need to ensure it's appropriate maintenance, additional cost to insure it (if I chose to ride it) and time out of my life to just ride it, for the sake of riding it; it became more clear that I was done with it. 

So the relief I feel now, is the removal of the psychic weight of "owning" this bike. I truly hope whomever bought it, will ride it into the ground (by which I mean thoroughly enjoy it - I don't wish them or the bike any ill will).

Does this mean that I embrace the "you will own nothing and be happy..." credo of the World Economic Forum? No it does not!! I don't believe for a minute that any of the agenda of those self-appointed/declared, "elites" in any way, serves me or humanity as a whole; (unless it could be considered, that the gravity of their visions, for enslaving the world, are enough to shake people from their collective doldrums and to stand for the world they want to see). I don't even acknowledge them to be "elite." They certainly have more money than many, (including me) can even conceptualize - still I believe that the value of each individual member of humanity,  ought not be quantified in terms of dollar value. Therefore their vast wealth, makes them no more important than anyone else, they simply have more money.

The difference is, I liberated myself, from this motorcycle (just as I freely chose to buy it) the choice was not forced on me, the motorcycle was not taken from me. Even with their vast wealth, they are not satisfied, they want complete control of the world, it's resources and the people that occupy it. Follow the money for yourself, you could simply start by considering all the bailouts and money directed at MSM (which is your money by the way, money that is being increasingly picked from your pocket in the form of continual tax hikes and government driven inflation). How likely are "journalists" etc. to ask government   the tough questions, to subject them and their policies to critical thinking?  Why is it instead of any questions or commentary that scrutinize government policies, members of the media simple parrot government talking points which accentuate a very myopic narrative? Many new broadcasts in North America are sponsored by major corporations - with the evening news team then bite the hand that feeds them and do any actual "investigative reporting?"

Ask yourself whether you feel any safer these days -  career politicians, corporate CEO's and billionaire would be philanthropists, are continually haranguing across all forms of media platforms, that they know best - some literally claim "to be the science.." everyone should unquestioningly, follow their instructions as they know (and care for) what is best for the rest of us?

The government looks after their own interests - CEO's will always do what is necessary to benefit and be accountable to, the shareholders. The government promised to keep a cap on deficit spending and then blamed the current financial situation (first on "Covid" despite one of their own announcing that billions of dollars of that deficit where already spent before word one was spoken about Covid) then it's world events responsible for inflation. The government and it's policies are destroying the economy - taxes upon taxes (where is this "plan" to combat climate change?) There is no plan. The bank of Canada mandated only to keep a handle on interests rates have raised them more times in the last couple years than health "authorities" flip-flopped on the efficacy of masks!! Interest rates are being hiked to off-set out of control deficit spending - taxes are continually raised to off-set irresponsible government spending directing the burden on the citizens of the country.

We are being gas-lit (continuously) - you can't even go to bed one night and get up the next day and have words and phrases from the English language still mean the same thing.

When did it become a crime to think for one's self? The same people that claim to be defenders of democracy are defaming and cancelling anyone that questions or criticizes their policies. I tell you what - turn off that idiot box "Smart T.V." (it is doing nothing but dumbing down the population) if you look out your window - or witness something at work or in your community that causes you to stop in your tracks (deep in your gut knowing full-well this is "off!!" Do not run to your local (or national media source) to have them authenticate what you know to be true (or at least suspect). Don't let anyone tell you a pile of shit is a bouquet of roses!!

There is nobody (repeat nobody!!!!) to whom you should sign over your well-being to!! 

The Hopi's were right..... "We are the ones we were waiting for." 

It's time then to suit up and show up and collectively decide what kind of world we want to live in - otherwise, there are clearly those, that are only too prepared, to shape the world according to their vision!!

We've all seen glimpses of what that might entail - which was more than enough!! Freedom to choose is priceless. A great many freedoms have been surrendered (willingly), doubtful they will be restored. No tax implemented, is every removed, freedoms lost will not be regained, except at great cost.

I suppose a cross-road of grand magnitude now presents, once again including freedom to choose.

I would suggest one need choose mindfully - there is so much to be gained & everything to lose!

Rob O'Neill (July 29, 2023)

A Bite More Than I Could Chew (Another bite turns to Dust)

 In less than a week's time I have returned to the blank page, endeavouring to not so much resurrect the fallen writer I once was, but rather; to sift through the malaise of the last couple years and write with the voice of that this journey has defined and prepared it's release. I'm not attempting to amass statistics reflecting number of views, not looking to assemble a "readership." I wouldn't know what to do with a readership if one were to appear.

When this "blogging" began, perhaps 8 years ago, I've lost track; I had no idea anyone could, or would read my content. Then I discovered, quite by accident, the "back office" and learned in fact there were a growing number of people reading... I put some time and energy into trying to grow these numbers - both for the blog and a book that I eventually wrote. At this time, I need to write for the sake of writing. Writing will be, the end and the means. If history repeats itself, the act of writing will open some doors and close others. At some level the act of writing feeds me. I will let that be inspiration for now - to serve the urge to write. If it so happens that this pursuit produces content that touches, moves or inspires others; well, wouldn't that be wonderful?

A recent experience inspires me and/or restores my faith in the good forces at work in the universe. A couple weeks or so ago, I went to a local market on my coffee break. Along with a wrap I bought for lunch, I bought a cookie that was discounted due to be close to, or past it's best before date. Hey, I like a bargain as much as the next guy. When I proceeded to eat said cookie, I realized it was pretty hard. One would expect some dryness etc. from an a stale cookie, but this was really hard. Anyway, I was going to make the best of it. It didn't taste half-bad once some bites could be broken off. Still, maybe this spoke more about me "Jones-ing" for a cookie than any benefit from the cookie.

I was chewing on a piece that I managed to bite off, when I bit into something hard and "crunchy." At that point I suspected that despite the texture of this aging baked goods, there was nothing in the cookie that would crunch like that!! I spit out a couple of these hard chunks - that simultaneously I recognized and with a swipe of my tongue over my front teeth, recognized as pieces of my dental bridge!

The prevailing wisdom that followed was, well my bridge is broken (or at least the veneer of one tooth is) nothing I can do about it now, I might as well finish the cookie.

I got back to the job site and showed my co-workers what had occurred. This bought me some additional time to contact the dentist's office and see about an appt. They had an appt. that afternoon near the end of their day (which meant I needed to leave work early). They were sure, even if the bridge was repairable, that it would happen then and there. So I went in on the premise that this was to be an assessment.

The dentist was more than an hour behind getting to me - I guess he must have abandoned the idea he was finishing "at 4 p.m. (my scheduled time was 3:30pm - which I was early for).

He came in had a look and indicated that the only way to make an "effective" repair would be to replace the entire bridge (though he then conceded that, this bridge being itself, over 40 years old and himself doing a repair on it 5 or 6 years ago, was withstanding the test of time). I indicated that there's no way I can afford a new bridge - "let's set our sights on fixing this one!" He proceeded to do just that. I was pleasantly surprised to be having it attended to sooner than later, now I wouldn't need another appointment!

As one might guess, this was a costly turn of events, the cost of the repair was $375.00! I didn't have the money in my checking account - so for the time being I put the whole thing on my credit card. I had mixed feeling about that. I was grateful to have credit enough to cover the emergency repair - but I had been for sometime previous to this situation, diligently working on (now here I will say) resurrecting my financial status; part of which involved paying off my credit card. Now, I had a sizeable balance - again!!

I considered the situation for a time, and decided to take the money from an account I had been accumulating for the purposes of taxes next year and pay off the balance. I reasoned I could resume savings while at the same time would not be accruing interest on a credit card balance.

I then decided I was going to contact the store and see if there was anything they would be willing to do to compensate me. I was given a number of their head office - so I recounted the story once again. I was asked to submit to them a copy of the repair invoice and I included the receipt from the store that showed my purchase of the cookie (and wrap) to collaborate my story. I was informed that she would be in touch with their insurance people and get back to me. When she contacted me again - I was told that they would give me a gift card for their store for the equivalent of the repair bill and the grocery purchase, the combined total being nearly $400.00

I was happy that this unfortunate incident - which I had initially thought was going to plunge me deeper into a further financial abyss, had taken a rather unexpected turn for the better.

I had no idea of the significance of that gift card with respect to what the near future had in store. Two weeks before Christmas we were hit with a winter storm that dumped a couple feet of snow - the work week that was to follow was entirely lost and the week between Christmas and New Years, we were already scheduled to be off. Next my employer contacted us all and offered to switch our time off to the week lost to the snow storm and we could work some or all of the week that was originally going to be our Christmas break - by that time the snow had melted.

So as it happens I will have three days of unexpected work, I have been judiciously saving money from the previous cheque, there may be something in the way of "stat" pay included in this coming pay day and I have almost $400.00 on a gift card for groceries (which arrived via the mail today)!

I couldn't have imagined any of this would happen nor the way it unfolded. I might add, I made it a point to speak up regarding all that occurred to each of the various players I needed to interact with next. I did not however come in with "both pistols blazing," I simply shared the facts, and invited the parties involved to suggest what might be possible, from there I let go of expectations of outcome.

After what has now spanned years, of political, corporate, and media deceit, deception, coercion and manipulation (with a complete lack of accountability from any of them) - this recent incident and outcome, as I alluded to earlier was refreshing and restorative.

There is good in the world - for this I am grateful!

R. O'Neill December 29. 2022

Back - For Better or Worse

 As the year bumps and grinds to its finale, from the personal maelstrom of existential quandary, uncertainty, apathy, resoluteness, and now perhaps a decision - I'm called to my long "lost" blog. I don't know whether to apologize to those that have followed in the past or to myself for this longstanding absenteeism. No longer a patron of Facebook which I was recently inspired to deem Zuckerberg's universe of deception; I will no longer be able to draw attention to new posts through that medium.

 I'm not sure that the readership that I once had, entirely came via that portal anyway. More than ever, I wish my musing, rants, missives, anecdotes, prose and poetry to reflect truth - therefore; as far as I'm concerned, most all the "social media" platforms are incongruent with truth. I won't know, whether indeed this blog platform will prove to be problematic - I may well seek alternative media sources for my personal writing and potentially submission recipients in the New Year; whether I experience censorship on this site or not.

If the blog does find its way to previous or new readership I will endeavour to communicate location changes when and if applicable and as I am able. What has not changed, is my fairly minimal acquaintance with navigating the online world. The way things seem to be going these days, is people are shutdown, censored etc. abruptly, so it might then follow I'm throttled before I can communicate anything. Equally true, my "status" as a pretty small fish, may well mean that my "sphere of influence" might be viewed as equally minuscule thereby evading the watchful eyes of "fact-checkers" and censors.

As I sit in neighbourhood cafe and look over top of my laptop screen four images catch my gaze; they include another local artists rendition (oil paintings) of four more artists of note: Jim Morrison, Marilyn Monroe, Paul McCartney, and Elvis - three of four passed over, though their lives have left a lasting impact. If I ever had some concern for that sort of "immortality" or legacy, I believe it is markedly subdued, if present at all. My impression of these four is that they at least artistically expressed themselves authentically. I don't actually know how much they "played to the audience," or media moguls etc. Even if, or despite that, they unquestionably brought their unique selves to their art form and by extension, their lives. None without their personal demons, I guess only they know, to what degree they were able to quiet the inner angst - while they lived.

I believe my writing in the past to have been to the best of my ability at the time, authentically me as much as I could muster, devoid of pandering to social agreement or approval seeking. If these last few years have cemented anything in my personal GPS it would be that if I write, I have no interest in massaging the content for anyone, I have experienced wholesale abandonment, vast "ghosting" - professional transition and I suppose one would say an entire restructuring of social connection. Some of this may well have been the natural attrition of personal relationships akin to Marianne Williamson's attributing relationships to be of three types: "for a reason," "for a season," "for a lifetime." Others, who knows really - in my experience seldom (if ever) do these parting of the ways, come with an explanation. In still some other cases - it can be directly attributed to my stand and beliefs with respect to the events and narratives that have held the world captive over the last three years. Really in hindsight, these were not relationships of any depth or substance if they dissolved so readily - the true colour and timbre was revealed - like it or not thus it was to be (often I did not "like" - it was rather painful) however likely for the higher good.

Given my penchant to "people-please" the vestiges of survival strategies I embodied much of my life - this last few years has shown me, there is zero use in showing up any other way than as my true self. Nothing was gained maintaining the facade and veneer of an engineered persona. Many I experienced in my life only "welcomed" me as long as I echoed their perspectives and beliefs. When I couldn't or wouldn't, no longer able to endure the discomfort of my own incongruence they were gone.

Someone said,  speak and live the truth you may not have many friends, but those that come into your life will represent your true community (paraphrased and without credit - as I don't remember who said it). I suppose I'm squarely in the speaking and living phase of this evolution. As far as I can see, the "decks" have been cleared of false friends & pseudo-community. It has also been said that "nature abhors a vacuum" - so it is possible relational transformation is on the horizon. I recognize that I can very readily bask in my own company - both a gift and sometimes a detriment, if I allow it to carry too far. I don't seek to isolate entirely - nor do I suffer from any delusion of grandiosity or self-importance. I'm just getting older (than God for that) and I have a growing desire for honesty and equally increasing lack of appetite for bullshit, drama and games.

The last three years comprised of lies, manipulation, coercion and full-scale abuse have demonstrated to me that I have a zero tolerance policy for it in my life. I quite honestly don't know where these decisions, forged in chaos, pain, fear, grief and sometimes despair - will lead me. I have decided to live a lie, imbues a life that may well prove to be not worth living - one can run, but not hide from themselves so good luck to those that think they will attain peace by following the crowd, through virtue signalling or looking to false idols for their sense of identity or protection. I mean that sincerely - if this is your choice, blessings on your journey, I don't wish you any ill-will. For me a life built on a foundation of dishonesty, power-seeking, control or fear will never be one of inner peace and satisfaction. Quite the opposite, the collective maw of those influences will never be sated.

I May Not Be "Woke" - But I See the Light of Day

 I have been following for quite sometime, the "morning pages" protocol of Julia Cameron's - "Artist's Way." I never missed a day for a considerable length of time. I was including the "artist dates" doing the various suggested exercises. I dabbled in some sketching a vision board (I should dig that out and see if what I was "visioning" has in anyway been reconciled in my life). It did jumpstart my writing to some degree, though I have not returned to the regularity of previous periods of my life. Also during that time I decided to take up the "electric" guitar. 

This week I haven't done any morning writing at all - until this very moment. I don't have preconceived focal point or subject matter. It will be written and posted as it comes off the keyboard (with a token proof-read). I did manage this week to each morning do my fairly basic stretching/Qi gong routine and morning prayer and meditation. These practices don't define me - however they quite likely shape my willingness to continue, at all (with anything). I don't care about what anyone believes, with regard to what the observance or practice of these things "says" about me. If the last two years has taught me anything, it's that:

 a) I don't look to anyone or "institution" for my well-being; b) I simple cannot define myself by the (often hostile) views, biases, and fears of others.

I have, since commencing with the electric guitar practiced every single day for some nearly 280 consecutive days. Principles that I gleaned from the Artist's way - i.e. continuity, lessening/dropping self-criticism, in this case - being willing to make really bad music (you should hear some of the sounds I can coax/squeeze out of that guitar!!) On some fronts, over the course of this extended "play-date" I have made improvements on certain specific techniques - which is pretty satisfying. There is so much more I want to learn - which at times is daunting and left unchecked could ultimately fuel my giving up. So I go back, to "keeping it simple," what am I working on "today!!" Eventually if I live long enough the weave of assorted techniques and guitar and music fluency I might actually be able to play something.

I look at my guitar practice and my "spiritual practice" as one and the same. Both convey a self-love platform that infiltrates my person and directly influences how I interact with the world around me.  Both have been a saving grace for me over this last two years as my access to more and more of what was considered "normal" day to day facets of society became increasingly restricted and cutoff altogether.

I saw to it that my guitar practice and morning observances for body and soul (while I believe unnecessary to compartmentalize - for the sake of acknowledging their parts of the whole of my being, I will make those distinctions; happened every single day - regardless of what the world was dishing up and my initial and lasting responses to it.

This reinforces for me that no matter what governments and their appointed minions implement in terms of draconian measures, there are some inherent things that those bastards cannot touch or take away!

I have spent countless hours engaged in online dialogue (which has taught me - written "communication" unless exhaustively comprehensive and even still, will be misinterpreted, misrepresented and seldom leads to anything like connection or understanding) to the contrary it opens the door to, slander/libel, abuse, prejudice, shaming,  & character assassination. In short these interactions are in no way fulfilling, fruitful, up-lifting or even healthy.

So I tease out my part in wishing to engage in them in the first place and conclude - I actually don't. I will make my stand,  live my life through seeking the direction of my heart and soul and leave others to do the same. "Live and Let Live." Your Life Your Business! I don't need to change your mind or defend my choices.

As the Course in Miracles inquires: "Would I rather be right or happy." I know what's right for me - my mistake, has been in trying to spend, any of my valuable life time and energy, explaining or defending that to anyone else - the end result has never produced anything akin to happiness.

The fear, the deprivation, the losses - the very real concerns for the future for me are legitimate. They also if left unchecked can become overwhelming and suck the joy out of what is still available to me. You want me to line up to enter you retail store... no thanks - I'll pass (do I actually need what you're selling ... turns out No! I do not) restaurants and gyms lock me out (do I really need to pay for the pretentious "atmosphere" and over-priced food - apparently I haven't gone hungry, with no restaurant access) and I'm not sure, even if gyms did "welcome" me back, that; I would wish to support these establishments, that claim to be about health and wellness, yet they participate in discrimination and policies, that have nothing to do with wellness.

I'm not sure I need to be engaged with "social media" (which often is the epitome of anti-social) but should I choose to continue in any form - I will state my views as I wish. I will no longer engage, trolls and abuse. I may or may not employ a 3 strikes and you're out policy. I would like to give space for "a bad day" - a misunderstanding - even a messy conversation to arrive at mutual understanding (an agreement is not required - except with respect to respect). In the absence of that the conversation is over I have no intention to engage abuse/bullying.

Herein lies the morning musings, hot (or not) for my current stream of consciousness.

R. O'Neill (February 04, 2022)

Mine for the Finest Ore

 "All that glitters is not gold......" - William Shakespeare ("Merchant of Venice")

This aphorism came to mind for me yesterday. I was taking action upon the "relationship" I've had with this particular guitar of mine, one that has spanned nearly 4yrs. I bought the guitar (an acoustic/electric) brand new. That in itself, could be seen as an act of self love. I had come into some (not entirely unexpected) money through an inheritance. I decided I wanted to get myself a "better than average" higher end guitar. Guitars have come and gone out of my life since I was a teenager, some that in hindsight I might have preferred to have kept. 

This guitar most certainly had "glitter" solid wood construction (made with a coveted variety of "tone-woods") shiny finish, fancy inlays and appointments. I did some "research" before I bought it. I didn't come across a single disparaging review. A point worth mentioning now, would be that when I tried the guitar in the shop, I'm aware that I begun "running a racket.." I effectively shut down my subjective senses and sensibilities, and literally sold myself on this guitar (in the midst of a small shop that nonetheless had a wide variety of choices).  Surely all these reviews, the gorgeous appointments, craftsmanship etc. "should" carry the day.  I simply didn't "love" this instrument and, I bought it anyway.

This guitar sat as much or more than it has been played. I restrung it. Put it in a guitar stand so that it was visible and accessible. I would pick it up and play it some, trying to convince myself that I would, "grow to love it.." I did not. I didn't like the sound of it (to my ear, it sounds "brittle," and its tonal palette reside too predominantly in the mid-range to treble spectrum) - the reviews asserted that it was "bright" and articulate - perfect for finger style playing or flat-picked; I didn't like the feel of the neck in my hand or the action (string height from the fretboard .. for the benefit of non-guitar players).

I just kept deferring to my beat up, aged guitar that has been patched back together with glue, fibreglass and duct tape... inadvertently being subject to various insults and abuses through using it extensively for busking. Despite it's tenuous clinging to life... it still is more enjoyable for me to play and listen to than this much more expensive "impressive looking guitar."

I decide 6 months ago to take up electric guitar (and generally to roll my study of guitar back to basics with design on developing a greater fluency) my previous foray, revolved around taking as many short-cuts as I could to, just be able to play some songs!! How that relates to the other guitar is it created for me a distraction around this expensive guitar languishing about largely unused.

Months extend to years... I still have no love for nor inspiration from this instrument. I simply do not enjoy it. Intermittently I beat myself up for being impulsive... the money I spent (that I would likely not retrieve - retail versus now "used") not to mention time spent, advertising, fielding calls, people bailing/no shows... trying to grind the price down etc.

More waffling, more inaction, more avoidance ... "More" on many fronts... all accept satisfaction, contentment, enjoyment..

More water under the bridge and over this past holiday season, I'm once again trying to manufacture some love for this guitar - Mission Impossible. Back to the reviews and demo videos (surely I must be missing something) - but I began to realize even in the hands of some obviously accomplished musicians, I didn't like the tone of that guitar. The quality, workmanship, finish etc. are not in question nor being maligned by me. I simply don't like it! It's not satisfying to my ear - nor do I enjoy playing it.

What a revelation! Reviews, synopses - marketing, celebratory endorsements - studio demos etc. are not enough to counter my subjective experience! What a wakeup call to realize just how profoundly external influences impact my "choice." 

This was it. Yesterday I had arrived at a decision. The guitar would go! A lightness came over my being  a sense of freedom, the relief of some sort of burden. I took a bus into town with the idea of exploring with the shop I originally purchased it from the idea of consignment sales or possible trades. When I arrived at the shop, signs on the door indicated that he still would not be open for another two days.. (I knew that but had forgotten ... having called the shop last week) in my minds eye his extended time off had already elapsed.

I then decided to walk back home to get some exercise. During my walk I considered the situation. I had already let the guitar go and was now operating from the reality of it not occupying space in my space. I concluded I didn't want to wait two days for the shop to open & I didn't want the guitar coming home with me... I was entertaining the idea of taking it one of the larger chain stores (which wasn't resonating for me) when I remembered there was a smaller local business on my way ... that did indeed carry this brand of guitar... I decided to feel out this possibility and see what happens.

They took the guitar in .... their guitar "tech" is in tomorrow and Saturday. His roll would be to determine if the guitar is in good enough condition to place on their sales floor (the guitar is in immaculate condition if there is any deficiency, it would come as a complete surprise to me) I hope not - it is not my want to put out more money in order to put it up for sale. If anything it might need setting up again .... which is minor and normal in the life of a guitar.

So I will hear from them if they consider it viable for their shop, customer demographic etc. and then get back to me with a discussion on list pricing and the consignment sale spit.

Take-a-ways from this unfolding experience are a deepening awareness of seeking and trusting my inner assessment of any situation and acting in accordance with what I determine in alignment with my needs. For me, this "lesson" reaches far beyond, this perhaps seemingly mundane ("first world" conundrum). Somewhere along the line I was introduced to the idea that how "you" are in one area of your life is how you are across the board. So then, discovery deepened awareness of the forces and influences affecting my decision making process and choices in one area of my life, could be seen to be operating more universally throughout my life. 

How and in what ways to I negate my experience or defer my inner knowing, experience of, intuition about etc. in favour of some "popularized" narrative or consensus operating or sourced from outside myself?

This experience reveals to me that, that which is "golden" for me might well be held in something or an experience/opportunity that may present as lacking in "allure" but later proves to be, "a diamond in the rough." How challenging is it to just be, ones own self - in a sea of cacophony screaming for conformity? What is the price extracted for choosing group acceptance versus self-acceptance?

There continues to be unknowns in this particular anecdote. Will they take the guitar in on consignment? If they do will it be the be all to end of for someone else? Just what they were looking for? A chance to own a high quality instrument at a reduced price. It won't be the whatever the builders are marketing for 2022 - but it might be the perfect fit for someone else's ears, hands and budget.

R. O'Neill (January 11, 2022)

Insecure - Not Looking to be Saved

 Once again I return to the unwritten page, after a sizeable absence. It's not particularly an explainable departure; either that, or I don't feel the need to explain. As a matter of fact, I haven't felt inspired to write. Also true, I have concluded, I have an intention to write and even so, I still don't "feel" inspired. So then, I'll just write!

I began to exercise this intent last week, only to discover I couldn't access the "dashboard" interface of this blogging platform - therefore, no writing. I could see my previous posts, but that was it! I looped around the site, going and getting nowhere fast; other than a tad exasperated. I began wading through some of the FAQ's links, but couldn't find anything that aligned with my specific issue. I couldn't find a specific spot to "ask for help" so I sent a message through a link called "feedback." So far, sometime approaching a week later, I haven't received feedback or an answer. (at least not in the form of a reply).

My imagination was intermittently, spinning scenarios that I had been "blocked," due to contentious content. Thankfully I didn't go off half-cocked on that tangent, as it didn't reflect the truth, or the entire truth (but then again, what does?) While it may be true that I express, from time to time, contentious viewpoints - it was not true, that I had been blocked.

I had some time yesterday, so I revisited the site, and this time, I did find a clue in someone's question thread. Turns out there are different username/passwords for the "Google platform" in general (my apologies to the purist's if my tech-terminology is not accurate) I'm not a "techie" & I don't care! the blog platform also has its own username/password. I have what I choose to deem, present moment consciousness, by which I mean, at different places in time I may have been called upon to create these different "identities," and then moments later I would forget about them. In the past, I would just come and go from the blog platform; I suppose I must have remained logged in, as I always had access. For whatever reason, I was no longer "logged in," and my attempts to do so, were continually done with one of my other "Google-related" ID's.

Once I used the right combo for the right site ... boom I'm in!! No surprise to the geeks of the world, I'm sure. I use the term geek, uncertain, that won't illicit the same perception, as any other "special interest group" that is comfortable speaking of themselves a particular way, but loathe to allow anyone else to refer to them as such. So at the risk of invoking - "the Revenge of the Nerds," I have done so anyway.. As far as I can see, the world has been living this Revenge over the last two years anyway - so they can hardly expect anyone to be enamoured with them at this point! (but I digress).

I still have, mostly disdain for technology! I acknowledge the on-boarding id I was attempting to use was erroneous, and I maintain, I would never be locked out of my journal. Why the need for multiple "platforms" - id's, passwords etc. I would have likely named them all the same thing, if I was given that option. As that seems to be generally discouraged, there's not a prayer, I'm going to remember all this malarky!

All in the name of "security." So feck'in secure, I can't access my own stuff!! Brilliant that is! Of course the flip-side of this "security" analogy, is increasingly, the public at large, is being denied access to the truth (on multiple fronts). I don't know about you, but I don't feel any sense of security, having one select group, dictating the "truth,"and censoring the rest; resulting in large swaths people arguing for, and living a lie (or series of intricately woven lies). The only ones secure in that scenario, are the ones seeding the lies!

Fortunately, or so it seems, though those scripting this tale of lies, as long pre-meditated and diabolically ingenious as it may have been; seem to have missed the grade-school lesson; that once one sets out to lie and weave a path of deception, it becomes increasingly difficult, to conceal the lies, or remember each lie, that has been expressed. The result, the house of cards becomes destabilized and falls; exposing the illusion and those that spin them. I don't sit and contemplate the demise and punishment of those involved, this to me, would be a fruitless endeavour. I am reminded though, that any number of individuals have chided me or have public spoken the same, regarding choices and consequences. I have been living the "consequences" of my choices for two years now. That has been my path & those were my choices.

It will be the same for those that orchestrate deception! "Live by the sword, die by the sword.." I don't need to wish any of them ill-will. I suspect they are planting the seeds of their own demise ("consequences..").

My aim and responsibility is to live my best possible life and version of myself. That means to me, I don't harbour resentment. I don't ruminate about the acts of others and what they "deserve" in exchange. I do the best I can, with what I've got! I look to bring my gifts to bear, in service to the world.

I don't grind axes, point fingers and wish dire consequence toward anyone. I disagree, I look around and much of what I see, occurs to me to be misguided, but I have spent enough energy trying to change others. I now, bring the focus back to myself. What do I have the power to change. The entire Charter of Rights can be re-written or burned and I still can say No!

Security is such an illusory quality. How many have been, or were, "secure" in career paths, societal institutions, family, friendships, public amenities, only to find each of them, was unraveled and revealed nothing, in the blink of an eye!!

How many lived a life, that included a rather passive or apathetic attitude toward discrimination? (until they found themselves the target of discrimination). I have been examining my apathy for quite sometime, however, I never expected to experience the level of discrimination, that currently is occurring. (all calculated).

Behold the voluminous acts of betrayal .... as so many, cloak themselves in self-righteousness and turn on any they consider unworthy of their allegiance. Not so "secure" in those relationships any more eh?

Look around and reckon with the power of addiction.... so vast and so all-encompassing, that thousands with throw their neighbour "under the bus," so that they can continue to access those distractions, that may well "amuse them to death." 

Consider the behemoth fear, and all that it conjured! People have sold their souls, put themselves and potentially those they "love," at dire risk. 

All this made possible by an insatiable thirst for "security." I think as history has shown, and is likely still to prove true, one ought very carefully consider, where or to whom, they are looking to, for "security" and the price being extracted. It may well become more evident, first of all they are offering something that they cannot (or never intended to provide), second it never was theirs to give and lastly one will never find it outside themselves.

R. O'Neill (January 04, 2022)

Passion - The Sequel

 I effectively have become estranged from my own blog. It's interesting to consider. According to the "backdoor" features (my term) the "stats" indicate somebody is still reading.  For quite some considerable time after creating the blog, I didn't even know you could track readership. Then beyond that I didn't know there had been some readers trying to interact through the site. I believe I attempted to reconcile my, what must have seemed to be perhaps a lack of grace in not responding; while literally I didn't know there was anything or anyone to respond to. 

Today I've decided to write something. For those who read, whomever you may be, I thank you! Truly I hope that something I share touches you in some useful fashion. Whether my "natural" evolution or the aftermath of the last eighteen months (and counting) - I perceive more than ever, that I have very little to proclaim. I don't know that I ever really did, I certainly spent a period of time trying to present my perspective as more than it merits - I understand that now, to have been a deep-seated "need" to compensate for believing I'm "none of that..."

Certainly I continue to have my own beliefs, perspectives and life experience. I don't need anyone to cosign it, agree with it, follow it - I just need to live it.

I do love to write (as I discovered some years ago now). I'm also aware of the contradiction created by the absence of anything in written form juxtaposed along with the previous claim. I actually write every morning, have for some period of time now. There has been a couple mornings (maybe the time frame is 6 months) where I hit the floor running, probably more accurate spinning off in some various forms of un-groundedness  and rather than employ one of the practices that generally centers me before beginning my day, I just decided to continue to spin... no writing occurred on those occasions. Gratefully those morning have been minimal (it's a good reminder of how most everyday of my life was spent at a different place in time).

So today, I was acknowledging to myself in my journal, that I had now completed ninety (90) consecutive days of guitar practice - since deciding to follow my passion to learn how to play electric guitar (and to generally more comprehensively become better acquainted with the guitar. I considered that I don't need to wait before I can play the guitar like (insert your own guitar player of choice) in order to acknowledge my successful commitment so far, that progress is being made (even if it's the establishment of regular practice of practice) - I probably not going to play like whomever you might (or I) might imagine... I'm going to play more like me. 

I would still identify writing as a passion... I would also say it has given way to other pursuits and considerations. It may well return - which is to say, beyond what is currently sprawling across my computer screen.

There is much to be said about the journey with my guitar (well there's two electrics in the stable at the moment) - that's a journey in and of itself. I'm learning about the different gear - a learning curve and a field that in itself is vast. Within that I'm looking for my place, I seem to spend considerable time in my life with that pursuit.. More frequently I locate myself where my head, heart, hands and butt are - that feels good to me. As for guitar equipment, well I'm trying to determine where in the spectrum of available "tools of the trade" do I care to roost. What is hype? What is crass commercialism? How much is the group mind in the world of music influence by the hype and commercialism? Do I care to have those "Strat" tones? Can my taste, ear, values and sensibilities be appeased on my terms? Where does "entry level" end and junk begin? There are some tones that I just love - no question about it!! But even with the equipment I've acquired thus far (all "used") there are literally infinite combinations of settings and variables - that influence sound. Not to mention the hands of the person wielding it all!!!

Nonetheless celebration is the name of the day! I recognize a milestone has been realized and, it's all part of the bricks being laid in a foundation! Even as I sit here writing, the guitars are staring me down!! I fully intend to practice tonight. I decided to strike a balance and answer the call to write. I was a near -"terminal" perfectionist in my life prior. To be clear, I'm not talking about excellence, or doing one's best. I talking about a shame-based belief that I was and never would be, good enough; looking at life, through that lens, I was not often inclined to try new things and had very little patience, compassion or willingness within myself to "be a beginner."

That has changed! 

Today was another triumph! I'm vaguely aware the "Olympics" are occurring. For me that is so far in the background of my awareness - it's almost not happening. Anyway I make the reference to conjure the contrast around said triumph. Is it the stuff of "Olympians." I imagine in the minds of many - not at all!

I purchased a used amplifier, maybe a couple months ago, from a fellow up-island. I was aware that it was "programmable" not something I really wanted to get into - I just knew it had some features my original amp (which I bought along with the first guitar) did not. It is, "more amplifier" - by which I don't just mean "louder." I've also come to learn there is more to be had from the first one than I first realized! So much to learn!! Anyway I wouldn't have bought this amp new, but the price he was asking was pretty reasonable, a third of the new retail price!

I got the thing home (I did try it some at his place before buying it.... had him play some and run through the features)... after playing with it some, I decided I didn't want all his programmed "preset" sound patches - so some online research informed me I could invoke the reset sequence and put it back to "factory" specifications. I reasoned I wanted to start from just clean sound and then maybe layer in some effects. This reset could be accomplished just pressing a few buttons on the amp simultaneously - ready, set, go!!

The good news was it still made sound after I let go of the buttons!! I just played on it through the "clean" channel - alternating back and forth between the two amps. Reading this, reading that - trying not to get lost in all the "tweaking" and not get any practicing done. 

One day I decided to try some of the "over-drive" channels. Well first I created something a kin to a "sonic boom.." scared the shit out of myself!! Then I turned it down some and tried it - seem one could get some of those "rock and roll tones" but they would be present and then not... I was somewhat emboldened by any knob-turning was all being done in "manual" mode nothing would remain once I turned the amp off and back on.

I looked on line for some local or even in this country service centers (the amps are out of Britain) meanwhile I just kept twisting dials - as close as I can figure the volume I had on the clean channel - could not be selected on over-driven channel, lest one wanted to crack plaster, windows and eardrums - once dialled back, the other features seemed to be available. 

I heard back from someone from the service centre.. they suggested I go online to the website where there is a platform you can patch into through your computer to interface with the amplifier and download updates, change parameters and settings... 

I'm like, yes I could (or I can just keep playing it on the one channel... it's sounds pretty good) it didn't cost me a fortune) somedays the other amp seems okay as I do some more experimentation - keep in mind, I live in an apartment, I can't be dialing in some simulated "arena-rock" setting and cutting loose!!!

Anyway, last night I decided to try and determine if this amp is up to date (internal software etc.) also keep in mind, any reference I'm making to the techie-side of the spectrum here is not in anyway to be confused with fluency ..... I'm pretty much a leave well-enough alone - and don't f... with it (unless absolutely necessary) I downloaded the application that would allow me to interact with the amplifier then I searched my bag of random cables for something that looked like it had connections that would work at either end. I found just such a wire - however it yielded an error message and indicated that the cable must be data-capable) how the $#%& was I going to tell that - other than, I concluded it quite possibly isn't because the computer is unable to talk to the amplifier. Off to London Drugs electronics department this morning with the cable I tried to use (so I could give a visual of the connections that were necessary) and a hand written note transcribed from the error message so I could communicate what was "supposed to occur." 

Dude is like, oh you want a data cable - rather than just a charging cable!! (like this is painfully obvious!!) I get in step and reply, "why yes, I believe I do, do ya have anything like that?). Yes, he answers - in the computer department... (in hind-sight I consider, I suppose that is where you would find a data-friendly cable alright!!

This evening - I unpackaged said cable connected the cable to both the amplifier and my computer and voila I have imagery on my screen of a control panel that tells me where all the amp settings are currently - and has an endless array of effects etc. that could be selected and saved. (It was also helpful that I watched a couple guys on youtube last night - reviewing amps by this same company and one was doing a basic tour through that interface environment, so at least it looked a little familiar).

 I looked around a little saw the one labelled "bass" - "I think I might have a little too much of that going on!" and there is not a external equalizer to dial it back - played a few chords and scales to appreciate the changes - it save and got the hell out of this "electronics" "beyond the pale...." When all was said and done, a pretty "easy" procedure - and yet in some ways I ventured into alien space - with not much in the way of innate "sense of direction" - but a willingness to pray liberally and consult the hinterland of the inter-web and nothing short of a miracle unfolded!!

I don't need to be messing with anything else - just now! But I know how to get in there now!!

I clicked on some other buttons that were for menus etc. and found one that allowed me to determine that the amplifier is up to date with system downloads. Thank God! I can just get back to my scales!!

The other thing I'm celebrating today is the sale of one of my books!! I don't know when it sold exactly - it's been a couple weeks since I have been in the cafe - but it was inspiring for me to know that another of my passions is still bearing fruit. I also had the opportunity to give the 30sec. elevator speal about the book, to another fellow in the shop (who got curious when he heard the owner ask me if I was still interested in doing an "author's evening" (now that some of the other madness has subsided ... at least for now)..

Yes I absolutely am, was my answer and as I was leaving, he was looking at the last remaining copy of my book there in the shop. I will drop off some more copies tomorrow.

The book has also found it's way into a local addictions centre - where I have been meeting with some residents "one on one" & offer a group, when necessary combination of residents are present and simultaneously have the willingness or curiosity to attend.

I'm intrigued at the various ways passion finds its way to become expressed. My part seems to be to neither give up on passion nor myself. To do my best to get out of the way, so that passion can do what passion does best.

I want to facilitate others and their relationship with passion. I have no doubt of its existence and I'm aware on can be the vehicle through which passion is delivered or the dam in the river. I seek to become more consistently the former, rather than the latter.

I big part of that is to not allow myself to succumb to the fears and opinions of anyone else (and especially not those of my own!!)

R.O'Neill (July 28, 2021)

* (I gotta get practising, so I tried to "proof-read" along the way... however this post is largely raw & unedited) - of course so is the author!! I'm going to hit "publish!!)

Would the "Last Man Standing," Be "A Good Man?"

People 65 years and older, especially men, have a high risk of suicide. As Canada’s largest population group, the baby boomers, approach the plus 65 age range, we may see an increase in suicide in years to come (Canadian Coalition for Seniors’ Mental Health (CCSMH), 2009; Van Orden & Deming, 2017).

A growing body of research indicates that a significant number of men and boys are facing substantial psycho-social difficulties, which manifest in a number of worrying statistics involving mental health, addiction and suicide.

To start, males account for more than 75 per cent of suicides in Canada. That's an average of 50 men per week dying by suicide.

Similarly, surveys indicate that Canadian men are around three times more likely to experience addiction and substance abuse compared to Canadian women. This includes alcohol, cannabis, and opioid abuse. Highlighting the scale of the problem, the British Columbia Coroners Service reports that males accounted for 81 per cent of drug overdose deaths in that province in 2020. 

(Taken from the Opinion Piece - "Alarming Numbers Around Men's Mental Health Indicate Need for National Response). Written by Rob Whitley, Associate Professor of Psychiatry at McGill University and a research scientist at the Douglas Research Center.)

So why is it that in a world that by many accounts, is "a man's world," and advantages men and only men etc.; are the male suicide statistics so disproportionately high? I have no academic credential, in its stead, I offer, I am at least for the sake of this discussion male, and I have in my lifetime, seriously contemplated and scripted, my own premature exit strategy. My perspective is not "peer-reviewed" - though I suppose, if you could get enough men that have considered ending their own lives, walked away from the idea, or failed in the attempt to speak up; one might consider that "peer-affirmation."

My view and experience runs directly contradictory to the supposition, that men are innately weak - I would say that the problem is that men collectively operate under a well-entrenched idea that they must be strong; the uncompromising grip held on this mind-set (and that it is often vehemently "policed" by other men (and no small number of women) that it becomes, all too frequently, a terminal pathology.

There have been enough variations on a theme to recognize that no amount of material wealth, fame, or power ensure an inner domain that is defined by connectivity, equanimity, what I'll call a healthy self-satisfaction - even though there are many cases of those that acquire worldly riches and personal empires of a staggering magnitude. It often doesn't add up to enough to "make life worth living!"

The whole idea of "male-privledge" (though it is very real in some contexts) - seldom if ever, includes the discussion of what it denies and the cost it extracts from its adherents.

The stoic, never seen flinching - (would take or deliver a bullet and then go for night-cap) - never saying die, winning at all costs - etc. has got to maintain a significant detachment (from anyone - often anyone, that is seen as an adversary or competition) consequently themselves as well. That doesn't mean they've got no humanity it means it is intentionally repressed (training that begins very young) - the thing is all those feelings and the pain of denying those fingers doesn't just vanish - it requires ever increasing quantities of a compulsion/s of choice - to keep those feelings at bay.. and I suppose maintain "their edge." That would be something I'm not really personally familiar with - I don't think I've ever had an edge. I've been "edgy," nerves have been decidedly on edge (but that would about it).

There is far more comprehensive coverage of addiction (and it myriad presentations) than I will visit in this post. I have had 15 yrs. of chemical addiction (which included alcohol and drugs, tobacco, sugar and caffeine) the first three were addressed while the others (along with over-eating and intermittently  soothing with all the "wrong foods" the last two have proved to be reoccurring challenges - an array of "substances" that one can freely indulge without any particular social objection). Through what is now 34+ years of "sobriety - I have become increasingly familiar with the "whack-o-mole" nature of addiction and realized that if one doesn't get to the heart of the matter, "lopping off one head," presents with a couple more perhaps with a new face - but potentially just as life-limiting.

Addiction and it's many faces has multi-generational impacts, left un-arrested those impacts fan-out through the ancestral lineages and form societal collectives of the "walking wounded." The prevalence is far more significant than many would care to acknowledge (in part, because a classic presentation of addictive/compulsive behaviours, is the denial of its presence, by the one most completely in its clutches).

I would say that a significant percentage of what is so commonly deemed as "normal" in our modern world is the manifestation of addiction and the cascading "domino effects," - it's why so many can continue to operate with such self-appointed impunity with no regard for the world around them.

Meanwhile in true addictive fashion the widespread quest to attain the by now, venerated "Western world" vision of "success," which itself is built on unsustainable suppositions, has defined more "failures" than "winners," tears at the hearts of thousands as they walk step by step ever further away from themselves - convinced, "the promised land," is just around the corner of the next, self-sacrifice only to eventually become more aware of the illusion and delusion of the whole schtick. 

What does the self-perpetuating "real man" do when he gets glimpses that he's "failing" at being a success or the "success" he championed leaves the after taste of what's left of his undigested soul - he works longer, harder - a shot of bourbon here - a few lines there (gotta maintain "that edge,") stay "ahead," if he can't make the grade - there's a hungry young guy only to ready to "take one for the team," that can replace him in a heart beat (of course with at least some shift in trajectory in the workplace toward equal opportunity/gender equality everybody's vying for the same promotion).... of course his undying focus on career advancement has alienated him from any family that may still be "at home," alone with or without their company, he wonders when success will deliver him from his angst... The pain of loneliness demands more self-medication (maybe it's the "understanding" found in the arms of a co-worker) maybe it's less "involved and personal" found in the company of those that provide "physical satisfaction" without a lot of complications - maybe it's up all hours trolling internet porn sites and seeking the release of compulsive masturbation.

All those pent up feelings and the pain of "purposeless" living have got to go somewhere!

How long is it before the dude is jumping out the window of his corner office suite, found in his garage having giving himself "the ticket to ride" via the exhaust pipe of his BMW - swinging from a drain-pipe by his designer tie or made himself the last of his trophy-hunting targets?

Or maybe he manages to remain functionally detached and "comfortably numb," will he live long enough to enjoy "the fruits of his labour?" How many eulogies, actually capture the truth of a man's "inner world," in many cases, those "closest to him," won't even know it existed (maybe the same for him - well beyond the pain, he is trying to keep at arm's length or one-step ahead of) - "he was a pillar in his community," a tireless "provider," "always there when you needed him, (he suffered from chronic self-abandonment) - the life of the party!" Once the cliche's have been exhausted - the reception attendees are swept awash by the momentary reckoning with never actually having known this guy and a brush with their own mortality which is readily remedies with another dozen appetizers and another visit to the complimentary bar.

I haven't written anything much for quite sometime - I found this piece amongst the dozen or so open tabs on my computer, so I decided to reign in my "attention deficit," and see where this particular "unfinished symphony," was going to go.

Is this account the outcome or truth for all men? Not entirely yes, not entirely no! It would be a composite of my known awareness of a cross-section of male lives mixed with no small amount of my own life experience. As such it's clear to me now, why I started to write it and abandoned it - I don't consider it particularly courageous, definitely not "absolute truth," though it is based on more truth than meets many an eye. For me, it just needed to be said - what healing does it offer or purpose does it serve? I would say, my experience is teaching me, there is more pain in withholding the truth than ever is to be experienced in expressing it.

I'm both knocking at the door of the age group that is encompassed in the "stats," and not concerned that I'm off to join their ranks anytime soon. Having said that, I am hosting considerable angst at times (some of which I continue to address throw a multi-tiered avenue of tools and support - some of which might occasionally awaken from dormancy, some compulsive, if not impulsive, eating or spending money - both which feeds the gaping maw of the God of the "Economy and capitalist consumption;" so nobody is going to give a shit, one way or another, if I were to become another "collateral damage" statistic - as long as I was "a good man.")

I would be remiss (if to no other than myself) if I didn't mention, the events of the last nearly one and a half years (and their myopic and oppressive management) do not in any way, shape or form; give me any reason for optimism, trust or confidence in government, the medical community or would be authorities & drug corporations (to be fair - I had no glut of any of the above, for those institutions pre-"Covid"). I wouldn't have thought it possible, but I have even less now. They all have their place in the mosaic - I for one have no intention of giving them carte blanche in my wellness. Most anyone would have declared (at least) that the government of one strip or another was not to be trusted - suddenly, they are the champions of altruism and champions of health and well-being?? (As if!!!!!!!)

When they aren't making "public service" announcements about their latest Covid restrictions and compliance expectations - they are carrying on their business as usual pandering to corporate agendas, further approving - ecological degradation and generally continuing to approve the very things that are threatening the health of the planet and it's occupants. None of the newly released spectrum of experimental vaccines, is going to change any of that.

If, there were to be a return to anything like what defined the previous "framework" of "Normal," (which I neither think is likely, and in many ways, may be the only reason for hope) thinking the vaccine/s (or yet to be released news, that the chemical cocktail, or some variation thereof, is to be a regular part of your diet, for the rest of your life) is going to be the great Panacea... I would say, would be like having had a gun to your head, for the number of years prior to Covid you've been alive - just in case, you ever see fit to pull the trigger - now under the "New Normal," you've emptied out the nickel plated cartridges and replaced them with a recently developed titanium bullet - but when you pull the trigger???????????????

Maybe this signifies the end of my writer's block.... maybe the block was comprised mostly of some misguided notion that I had to pander to a particular viewpoint - I do not (nor does anyone else, but not my business). 

The Hans Christian Anderson story of "The Emperor's New Clothes" keeps coming into my consciousness.. the theme I realize keeps demonstrating itself, over and over again in my life....

I recognize that there has been a significant portion of my life, that was spent - cooing, oohing, and awing with the crowd at the various narratives ("he must be wearing the finest of garments," everyone else seems to believe it's so - there must be something wrong with me)....

Am I perfect (far from it!!) however I can tell you in a great many experiences I've lived through the "Emperor" is butt-naked - plain and simple!! (it doesn't matter how intricate the story is woven to represent his "finery).

R. O'Neill (June 22, 2021)

It's Got to Be You!

You 

Can be

Forgiven

For 

Believing

You 

"Should" 

Or

Must

Suck it up

But 

Can you?

Will you?

Forgive

You?

Why?

In 

The name

Of 

All that 

Is holy...

Would 

You 

Subject yourself

To 

The 

Entirely

Misguided

Dogmatic insistence

Of

"Social" agreement

To

Ignore, repress 

Dismiss or minimize

Your own

Human suffering?

Stop 

Please

Just stop!

Anytime

You 

Hear 

"Get over it.."

"Oh that's not so bad..."

"It could be worse..."

Etc.

You 

Are hearing

Reflected..

A 

Habituated

Lack of willingness

or 

Ability

To Love (Yourself)

It's 

There and then

A cross-road

Presents

You can 

Tell yourself

That you 

Matter

(the all of

your experience)

Rather than

Continue

To terrorize

And demean

The 

Very parts

Of 

Yourself

That are 

Yearning

For your

Love

(and only 

your love)

Nobody

Gets to

Define

The depth

And 

Scope 

Of 

Your love 

For yourself

What 

It looks 

Like

or

That it's 

Merited

Don't 

Look 

To others

For 

Your example

Be 

The 

Example

And

Loving

Embodiment

For 

Yourself....

R.  O'Neill (April 02, 2021)