A Little Bit of Hurtful ... Is Still Hurtful

Have you ever noticed that many who proclaim: "everything in moderation," are often doing so as a means to justify their excesses? It's not even a claim that has any basis in truth! A moderate amount of any number of things, is not in anyway healthy or beneficial. Large awards in lawsuits directed at various chemical corporations, which produce a broad spectrum of different products (many of which they lay claim to be "safe," are being found to be anything but). Given the side effects of many pharmaceutical products, "moderate use" results in a myriad of adverse effects.

A moderate amount of arsenic won't do you much good - assuming you were wanting to remain alive. The same can be said about carbon monoxide.

It need not be such lethal compounds to cast doubt that  moderate use or consumption as being okay. Why would someone want to indulge themselves in even a moderate amount of anything that is known to be not in their best interest?

Well I've had my share of experience with addiction - so I certainly haven't now, appointed myself to the "soapbox," but it is remarkable how much garbage is produced, purchased and consumed! The whole basis of our economy is based on consumption that is not sustainable or healthy on the macro level (global) or the micro level (personal).

I would also suggest that addiction is significantly more widespread than many people would care to admit ... naturally, because to do so, might mean an indictment of themselves.

In true "chicken or the egg" fashion, part of the problem of getting to the bottom of this wide spread addiction is well, identifying the "bottom." Many of the chosen addictive behaviours that operate within our culture are embraced with great gusto - some are venerated, while others necessary to sustain life. "Productivity," & "busyness;"- are endless heralded as desirable and admirable traits - but what if you're physically exhausted - fried adrenals, high blood pressure, borderline diabetic etc & emotionally/spiritually drained? More work is not going to be helpful. One needs to eat - nobody bats an eye, when you step into a restaurant (even if it's an "all you can eat," - most everyone in there is, hell bent on "getting their money's worth!!"

Many would not consider over-working or over eating a "problem." Especially if they benefit directly from the income yielded from that work. As for the eating, round about the time one's body, no longer meets the narrow (pun intended) criteria of a body image obsessed culture - then it might be considered there's a problem.

I look around my small (744 sq. ft.) condo & the after-math of my various binges with consumption are apparent - so I don't exclude myself from the cause or the effects. The "stuff" isn't bad, wrong etc. it's the profound disconnect with self at the root of compulsive consumption that becomes problematic.

If I use a guitar as a means for personal expression - and doing so brings me joy, wonderful. If I'm out to run away from myself and using the purchase of a guitar (or another guitar) as just another "hit" a desperate attempt to manipulate my inner world from outside myself - well frankly my experience is, that it doomed to fail, it will only "work" until it doesn't. Then the time will come when I not only have to reckon with what it was within me that I was trying to avoid; but I will also have to face the reality of the "wreckage" of my binges which might be chronic clutter and perhaps a decimated bank account.

Historically this has led to my then opening, a gigantic can of whoop-ass and unleashing it on myself.." I failed to achieve this, that or the other thing......" Nothing wrong with failure, in fact it can be a enriching stepping stone to a great many lessons.. The problem comes when I judge myself as a failure (based on judgment levelled upon myself, comparing my life and circumstances on the arbitrary but widely held standards of success and determining .... I simply don't "measure up.")

I have heard enough addictions stories to know full well my story is not unique - but I can only tell my story. As much as I would love to see everyone free from the pain of their disconnection and disillusionment - I can't walk that for anyone but myself.

I still believe for me, the answer is spiritual. Of course to try and define that would be far beyond the scope of this piece. Over considerable time, I continue to discern what that entails for me. It's fascinating for me to realize that "spirituality" has gone from being a relatively repugnant notion in the western world (of course it has always had some presence and adherents)... to now being more "main stream" & true to western world "ideals" - it has been commodified and packaged for consumption.

I may not be the first to acknowledge this, but nonetheless it is vitally important to my ongoing wellness, to own it for myself;  I acknowledge that somewhere in the pursuit of freedom from my addictions through spirituality, I turned spirituality into another addiction and in the doing was trying to represent "oh such a good boy am I;" while at times, using the pursuit, the tools and the presentation, as a means to escape from myself. Paradoxically, I believe a 180 degree turn is necessary in those instances. Of course it would also be true that at those times when "by-pass" has be elected - it has been a necessary "survival" strategy & indicative; that I'm not ready to face some aspect of myself. All in divine timing - to "push the river," is to reign terror upon myself. Not in anyway a self-loving thing to do.

This is not about to become another "shit-kicking" for me. I lovingly recognize what's true - how even if it was working - that is no longer true. Just another square on the game board. I haven't flipped the board over or quit playing the game.  Another lesson presents which can be utilized for my greater good and life's want to expand through me.

Over the last 3 - 4 months there has been a great many changes being implemented in my life. I resumed and am maintaining regular attendance at the gym. I go for long walks multiple times a week. I get out into nature as much as a can (even if it's just to a nearby "green space.")

I am working with a professional guide/therapist with a focus on reconnection and self-love. I have been sitting for 15 min. meditations (mostly twice a day) & this week started a series of 15 min. a.m. yoga routines. (maybe I will extend those sits and sessions - maybe not, the point is, I feel their loving inclusion in my day to day life & they are doable for me at this point). Far better to create some continuity and adherence to short sessions than enforce myself to long rigorous practice that I will immediately hate and begrudgingly drag myself to, until I quit.

I'm also a couple weeks into a new part time work scenario - which I'm able to adjust over time in terms of days of the week and hrs per day (so I'll see how that goes).. it's a "for now" undertaking.

I'm writing this now (rather than lose myself in the abyss of social media). Writing for me, is a spiritual practice.

I need to build more bridges (to myself first) from myself to the Creator, to others and the world around me.

In many ways I lived my life as though I was a walking demolition team. I didn't create the idea that "more is better," but I certain marched to it's dictums. I can no longer live in the extremes. It hurts me, it hurts other people - it hurts nature and the world I live in. Is it any wonder that with all that hurt, I'd seek to alleviate the pain. My story is by no means unique - but I have a responsibility to, and the right, only to tell my own story.

Moderation is not the answer - connection is the key. A moderate amount of a self-destructive habit means that 100% of the time I indulge in that - it is, self-destructive.

R. O'Neill (May 15, 2019)