A Stones Throw Away

I wonder if farmers ever consider, "I've ploughed this field again & again, why in the name of all that is holy - must I do it again?"

I'm not talking about someone, that has farmed for years, and has come to the cross-road place in his or her life and they decide, "I'm done with this, I'm ready to take on the new challenge of _________."

There again - farming, sowing, & nature focused metaphors, are at least as old as the bible (assuming the references and from whom they are referenced, have even a grain of truth..) - I therefore am not "breaking new ground" by employing them.

The opening question occurs to me, as I consider the more personal question regarding "working on myself: "Why am I not finished?"

I have done considerable work over a very long time. I don't seek "seniority status," accolades, medallions or epitaphs; generally I suppose I'm using "time served," as part of my argument, or at least, ground for my current frustration regarding, "why is it not over?"

I perceive I have done a monumental amount of work. I also accept, this might be a gross perceptual distortion on my part.  I have expended endless hours, countless dollars and immeasurable emotional equity.

So why would I consider the job is left incomplete? Well, (to continue the metaphor) as I proceed to run my plough through the field, I continue to run smack head long, into another big fucking rock!!

For the most part I would say, these rocks have a familiarity to them (not new rocks .. I thought I dug these rocks out before, why are the feck'in things still here?)  I don't hate the rocks, I don't want to destroy the rocks, I sure as hell can't deny the presence of the rocks.... When your forward momentum impacts such a barrier ... the spine is torqued, the teeth gnash together, all levels of physicality and beyond, come to a wrenching abrupt stop.

What's this then, one queries???

Ah.... right, another go around with the Rock of O'Neill. Bloody hell and fuck this every-way to Thursday.....!!!!

So perhaps then my perceived volume of "work" ... is both significant and, not enough!

One might conclude that the field would become "rock free.." eventually - I know that notion passes through me from time to time. I don't know that it's true or possible, because as just noted - in my field, I continue to encounter rocks..

Do other people have "rock free" fields? I wouldn't know for sure. My observation would be that many present, as though they do. But do they really? Maybe, that is my envy speaking?? Maybe they actually have "hit rock bottom" - wow imagine that!! I can't.. I can't find the bottom!! I could come to accept it is possible, that someone has achieved a rock free field... and even then from them receive, a gentle reflection; that they can see the rocks in my field from where they stand and offer some encouragement around the continued clearing..

However if all I was to hear, was the equivalent of taking the rocks from my field, and stoning me with them... then I would consider the stone thrower; to have a field that may be further devoid of stone, but its fertilizer content is apparently excessive.

What then remains ... from my current perspective, I suppose I plough another furrow.

Until such time as I return to the clay I originated from, in effect becoming the field, I may then have a different perspective on the stones.

R. O'Neill (June 15, 2020)