"Be a Man"

I was watching a TED talk today, the speaker introduced his topic by saying he was going to discuss the three "scariest words that every man receives in his lifetime" BE A MAN! It was rather synchronistic to "stumble" across this talk (having just recently spent a full weekend at a men's "initiation weekend"- put on by an organization called ManKind Project). For me it figures to be one of those life changing events that will be unfolding and integrating for quite sometime - it will certainly go down as one of the most powerful experiences in my lifetime (so far anyway). During this weekend there was ample opportunity to explore what it is to be a man - the stereotypes, the myths, the gender expectations, roles, emotional/spiritual wounds (at the hands of other men & from women) - all in the company of nothing but men, it was an extraordinary experience.

So what of this idea "be a man?" As the speaker suggested more often than not the context was that as a boy, one is being told not to act a particular way - while at the same time being told they should be a man. The unspoken and sometimes spoken messages of my youth were - "don't cry" "your feelings are not welcome here - particularly anger, that almost always meant someone was going to get hurt. Never mind the heart - "be realistic," "rationale," "practical," "don't be so sensitive."These messages came from parents and teachers (men & women) and were even enforced to some degree by other boys in my peer group or slightly older. These guys could sniff out sensitivity or any sign of perceived "weakness" from across a playing field and took it upon themselves to desensitize one accordingly. As I recall the male role models in school - the likes of P.E. teachers etc. did little to discourage this behaviour - I recall being matched with this orang-utan-esque class mate for a wrestling class, God knows what I was supposed to learn from this experience. It was pretty clear to me that given the choice, I wouldn't have put myself in the position to need to match brawn with this guy - that was evident to me before he made me one with the mat. There was seemingly very little choice, I could commit peer-group suicide by refusing (not that I was "man" about campus anyway) or suffer the pain of humiliation (not to mention the physical pain) of going a round (well, truth be told, probably didn't go a full regulation round) with Godzilla. Somehow I don't think these kinds of experiences did much for me to form any sort of character. I certainly mastered the head/heart split - in fact it would be many years to come before I ever "felt anything!"

To add to the confusion I understood there to be "ladies men" and a "man's man - how in God's name is that possible? Seems to me I'd need to cleave my psyche (which I'm going to go out on a limb and say is ill-advised) in order to pull that off. Seemingly as a teen I was equally unpopular with - young men and women, so I didn't have to try and figure it out.

I remember being at a barbecue one evening and one of the female guests says to me "you going to "man" the bbq?  That's a male's domain - how about cooking my steak?" I'm thinking, where's it written that by virtue of being male I know how to cook barbecue steak - is it supposed to be in my DNA/genetic code? Must be dormant trait in my case - if my forefathers cooked on open fires, there must be a break in the lineage somewhere, I didn't get the download. Of course, what did I say? "Oh sure leave that bad-boy with me, I'll flip in on the "barbie" for ya!" "How'd ya like it done?" What the hell, a little bbq sauce & a few Hail Mary's..... (and while I'm at it I'll rebuild your carburetor and recite sports statistics from last night's TSN).

I say this tongue in cheek but given the divide between what it appeared to me, being a man was all about and the complete lack of any discussion from any other men, that they believed anything was wrong with this paradigm - I didn't have an overwhelming sense that I measured up.

Let me also say this, the media has not been helpful in modelling healthy masculinity. Rambo, Tarzan, James Bond, not to mention all the advertising and marketing that portray a very specific imagery of what it is to be successful. Granted that messaging is directed at women too, but I would submit that while there has been movement with respect to empowerment of women -  the importance of which I'm not bringing into question,  however, mixed in the consciousness remains the idea, that a man is what he does - which can lead to his worth being measured by his net worth (which is potentially more damaging if one values himself by the same criteria). Now I can tell you, I'm "not what I do"- that I (like everyone, I have innate worth and value as a human being - but I still feel the presence of the societal value system directed at me based on my gender.

How do I know it's still in operation? What's nearly the first thing anyone asks during a social situation (after how are you?) "WHAT DO YOU DO?"

"Well - I'm developing my passion as a writer and healing through singing, I'm exploring avenues of personal development, studying non-violent communication and peace - building, experiencing spirituality through participation in fire circles, sweat lodge, shamans, stone circles, mosques, temples, shrines, tombs - I want to create a world of inclusion, peace and connection!"

"But what do you do for work?"
"Oh well, ah.... nothing, at the moment."
"Well hang in there you'll find something!"


  Then after the influence of multi- generational conditioning and nearly all the humanity is programmed out of men  - the pendulum comes swinging all the way back to the other side and there's a call for emotional intelligence, to be conversant in feelings, sensitive and compassion. For God-sake that was beat out of me years ago - and where that wasn't managed from outside of myself - I did the rest to myself, I made darn sure I wasn't going to be seen as "too sensitive" and no one or nothing was going to hurt me again - ever! What does that look like - well from my experience it's "dead man walking" It's no surprise to me that men "traditionally" died younger than women - I suspect it was the human equivalent of the demolition of a sky-scraper - ("don't cry," "don't grieve" (got to be strong) "don't get angry (unless it can be advantageously exploited in the sports world or the military) - men just virtually imploded.
Heard at his funeral "he was a good man!" Ironic I'd say - what might he have accomplished, how many more lives might he have touched - if he didn't die prematurely trying to live up to this "good man" dictum?

I remember a book that was available back in the 70's "Real Men" (do this, don't do that) I was amazing to me the number of people that took it seriously. I was inclined to do just exactly what the book or someone quoting the book, told me I couldn't. Yes of course this was altogether not an authentic representation of who I was - just a knee jerk reaction/rebelliousness and aversion to authority. (Not that I believe in blindly following authority - but I now value things such as autonomy, freedom, choice and would like to think, I can make a more measured choice based on my values - not just do it because someone says I shouldn't.

The world is undergoing rapid change - along with those changes are evolutions of consciousness that may given time, narrow the gender divide and create new visions for humanity. Increasingly I want to stand in my authenticity - which means for me examining values and belief systems (conscious and unconscious) and determining for myself which truly fit. Now that I have found my heart - I want to experience the full range of my humanity. This redefines qualities such a courage and vulnerability for me and outlines a journey, not a one time declaration. After years spent repressing and controlling and living through a persona that was created by me, in order to survive, I work at letting this go and coming more completely into responsibility and accountability.  I hold a vision of thriving, living fully from my heart - discovering how to direct my unique gifts and abilities to service and a life mission that will invariably be much bigger than myself.

I am male - by birth (the more I am able to stand in my truth) will determine for me, what it is to "be a man." I will honour and respect the choices of others to determine that for themselves and continue to develop the same respect for myself.
 Is it a job?
 No - but it's certainly a - full time vocation!