As I sit and ponder that which is to be my next blog post, I entertain that it will be created from a personal platform of openheartedness. Right away some might ask, how would you know that to be true, is it open-hearted because I say it is? Or would the content and context reflect for itself, drawing the reader to conclude that a heart felt connection was attained, therefore that which was read was created beyond just the realm of the intellect, as it rang true beyond mind?
I don't "know" the answer - so perhaps I will consider that my musing and reflections while eliciting my mind and intellect to utilize languaging skill, will endeavour to convey the authentic expression of my heart without being censored by my mind, thereby creating heightened vulnerability. The question then arises, can I claim vulnerability when prefacing my disclosure with the idea that I would allow myself to become vulnerable in the doing - rather than just doing?
Increasing one's tolerance to vulnerability it seems is an ongoing proposition. The alternative is to remain in a place of "safety" and "security." The problem with that is that the sorts of experience that I equate with a life that is more about "thriving" seem far more prevalent outside the confines of safety. Now I'm not speaking of being "reckless" or "careless" - more a willingness to take some emotional risks. Of course that is to be defined by the individual - there is certainly no guaranteed outcome, not even if it involves the same person on more than one occasion - so many variables, so much mystery, no formula!
Why wouldn't I open my heart - live openly and authentically with everyone? Fear of getting hurt comes to mind (criticized, ridiculed, shamed etc) It never occurred to me that at some level I believed poorly of myself so I took on the negative reflections of others because I believed (albeit unconsciously) them to be true. But once again there is a cost to watching everyone else diving into the deep water from the shore. Sure I can cling to the past experience of the water being cold and dark - and maybe some went up my nose, might have choked some - but what of the exhilaration that was part of the experience - the full-bodied delight of being embraced by the water, the pure sensuality that can only be accessed through immersion? Am I really willing to deny myself all of that? Apparently often the answer is a resounding yes? Which is to say, I don't actually consider what I might be missing - this is not even a case of a "gut-feeling" or intuition that might facilitate averting a potential crisis. This is just an opportunity or invitation that is met with "NO."
Interesting when I consider there have been times in my life when "no" would have served me very well - however I couldn't find my voice - or the courage to exercise my power. However in the case of connections with people or opportunities - whether I answered no, or my action or inaction said it for me - the result was the same - "access denied."
Then as I walk the continuum of authenticity I wonder "how much honesty" is warranted? How does one (by which I mean me) navigate the seemingly prevailing consciousness of "too much information" in response to open expression/self-disclosure and embrace full self-expression? I wonder whose problem is that? I share of myself and I get the afore mentioned reply (or something like "well.... I don't know if I needed to know that!"). I have gone away thinking - shit! ....... I guess I shouldn't have said that - but more and more I'm thinking alright then ...... if I'm being open, honest and sincere and this in turn results in "rejection" from someone else, it's the rejection or my perception, that must be managed not the authenticity - somewhere, someone might actually appreciate the honesty and I know I stand to benefit from "to thine own self be true."Therefore I begin to realize authenticity is not about managing response or the reaction of the other. Still it is not without it's challenges and growing pains.
Personally I seem to experience mixed messages from this variety of openness, emotional honesty and vulnerability. First many are not quick to recognize that it takes significant courage to go there (particularly for a man) - yes this is likely a gross generalization, it has definitely proved to be true for me, that to continue to be emotionally repressed and unavailable really wasn't working for me. So I begin to explore this previously to me, uncharted territory and much to my surprise I receive more than a few reflections that it is admirable and courageous. I discover some spaciousness and freedoms for myself that previously didn't exist. But still it seems there exists mixed reviews and responses. On the one hand I have heard so frequently, women wish the man in their life was more emotionally available - open hearted, but at the same time these same women recoil at the expression of some of what this man might be carrying on his heart - why, because when he expresses this, he no longer represents the image projected on him that gave her some sense of security. So authenticity takes a back seat to "image management" and where he might have benefited from being fully seen and heard and she by creating the space for a deepened connection through empathy and compassion - security (and an illusory one at that, is preferred) even seen as "attractive."
The confusion for me is immense - I gleaned from the overall intention of the "women's movement" that empowerment of women was paramount. I want to live into the balance - I want to uphold respect, and honouring, autonomy and competence etc. for the women in my life. I don't want to rain on your parade, burst your bubble, or in any way diminish who you are. I value connection, intimacy and authenticity (granted I might still have the training wheels on) but I'm willing to go there - but don't ask me for emotional availability and openness and then try and orchestrate the content of that or impose limits because my openness threatens your story around attractiveness, male strength etc. as it relates to your security.
I might be feeling a need to express some fear, pain or grief but that doesn't mean I don't also have the capacity to have your back and that if the right (or wrong) circumstance was to present, lay down my life. It also doesn't mean that I won't do what needs to be done despite my fear or misgivings - it just seems to lessen the grip of fear to acknowledge it's there. My want to connect and be fully who I am means to me, that I would be fully loved and accepted (all of me) not some contrived image that makes someone else feel better. That would not represent to me a relationship built on a foundation of honesty. To those that would question my ability to be there for them, based on expression of some of the "less attractive emotions" I might ask, what is it in you that would have me be less than who I am or live up to impossible expectations so you can feel better in the world? It also doesn't mean that I lack the capacity to fiercely love and protect my friends or partner if that is what the situation calls for.
Clearly this matter represents to me an area of personal growth and if I have any consciousness around it - that would be due to making significant errors along the way. I don't believe I have to continue to repeat the same mistakes (though I have done that too). I also don't believe that rigid gender roles, expectations, stereo-types must be endlessly upheld. But I do believe all parties concerned would need to examine all of these for themselves - decide what if any, ring true to them and then find a way to connect with the people in their lives (or those they meet) and enter in to an ongoing conversation that invites and upholds the quality of possibility. How can everyone win? More cooperation, connection and creativity. Maybe the stage, concert hall or canvas is not the only venue for creative expression. Maybe the world, within communities - person to person, heart to heart, is the greatest call for creativity! The canvas upon which some of the most exquisite art could be rendered - it might just be that the "collective" needs to become willing, to once again, colour outside the lines.
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