Only the Shadow Knows

Quite a number of years ago (26 to be exact) it was suggested, rather bluntly I might add, that if I wanted to save my life it was necessary that I have a "spiritual awakening" I had no idea what that meant, but I was in a state of profound willingness - otherwise known as desperate. It's really quite simple I was further told "put the plug in the jug and change your whole "fricken" life. At that point the willingness that held centre stage, was joined from the wings by skepticism - "my whole life, ya right!!"

"Yes Rob, of course, maybe you're different - a smart guy like you will probably rewrite the whole program, we've all been waiting for you to show up." If you've ever read books or watched movies depicting the master/student relationship and witnessed the wise teacher (who appears to be older than time) gently sharing quotes from the Tao with his student along the river bank (that's how I visualized this was going to go). Instead I got this crotchety bugger - that used sarcasm in the place of beatitudes. In hindsight - he spoke a language that got through to me - no question at the time one of my prevailing personality traits was "smart-ass," he could cut through that in an instant.

During our first meeting he informed me that "he was not here to be my friend" but that I could count on him to love me enough to tell me the truth." "You've had people telling you what you want to hear all your life." (which has nothing to do with what you need to hear) - the difference might well, save your life." Was this some of the changing I heard reference to? Certainly this guy's presentation seemed to me to fall outside the parameters of what I thought of as love. The state of my life (even though the external circumstances weren't as bleak as can be the case for some) my view of the world and myself in it were pretty dismal - so I had reason to believe, this guy might have something to teach me.

He asked me - "can I follow direction?"
"Ya sure - of course, I can do that," I replied.
He looked at me over top of these little half glasses of his and grunted - "we'll see won't we?"
Over time I was to become very familiar with those eyes peering over the spectacles - like little truth seeking missiles. I eventually knew that the look itself spoke volumes. I will paraphrase to provide clarity for the reader. It began with "I'm listening - and willing to cut you some slack." Followed by, "watch you're step, too much rope and you may just hang yourself." Finally, "all right, would you care to start again and this time begin with the truth!" All this in under thirty seconds.

Speaking of truth - the next thing he said (during our initial meeting) - "do you give me permission to call you on your shit?"
"Huh.. what was that? - er..... um.....uh? - what do you mean?"
"Let me give it to you straight - at this point, you don't even know when you're lying, I'm going to help you sort that out!"

Indignantly I looked at him straight in the eye and said "I'm not going to lie to you." (which in hindsight was absolutely, a lie). Of course he already knew that and said - "oh yes you will, you just did, now I asked you a question, what's it to be, yes or no?"

A myriad of answers swirled in my mind some of which were anatomically impossible - but what came out was - "Yes okay, I agree, let's do it your way!"
I wasn't sure I liked this guy - in fact frequently on the path to "spiritual awakening" he really pissed me off. (Certainly he was no Obewan Kanobi or Master Po)

I couldn't have known it at the time - but the gut level honesty that was the container within which we operated, continues to this very day to be the lens through which I continue to examine myself (or more accurately, that I return to when I'm ready for some more "the truth will set you free" - if anything has changed I am developing the capacity to have more love and compassion for what I find. I can still hear him - "what's your part?" (during our meetings in the early days my answer was "what, no you don't get it - he/she/it/they - are doing it to me!")

"I've got news for you - were you there?' he quipped.
(oh shit here we go) - "yes of course, I was there."
"Well then, you have a part - tell you what, we're going to simplify this - unless it's an absolute emergency, in which case do call, otherwise, unless you have figured out what you're part is, in these stories of yours - save your breath." "Understood?"

"Ya - got it!" (thanks a lot - where's the love? Not feeling it?)

In the last couple years I've come to know of a line from one of poet David Whyte's works: "leave everything you know behind" I'm struck by the similarity to the idea from all those years ago - "change your whole fricken life." I used to think that meant dash about changing all the external realities of my life and I certainly expended plenty of time, energy and resources into doing just that. It could be that external realities do change - but I've learned that unless I change from the inside out - all the external "fixes" don't amount to much. Added to the mix are ideas with similar themes from various sources - "Let go - Let God""Change the things you can" (12 step rooms) "attachment is the source of all suffering" (Buddhism) "  "One doesn't become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious" "Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves."(Carl Jung).

So just how much does one need to change? I'm certainly not about to make any sweeping declarations about what "must happen for everyone" I've been there before, I make some progress on my own journey and believe I have the answers for everyone - the process itself seems to have it's own ability to level such grandiosity (so now I try and walk some sort of balance between wanting to be of service, recognizing that I have traveled some distance over which I've learned a few things worth sharing and developing some grace and humility to realize not everyone wants what I have nor are they asking and above all else to force feed someone what I believe to be the "truth" is an affront to them and a form of violence. It robs them of the dignity of their own journey and their power of choice, imposing my will upon what otherwise might be seen as a schedule of divine timing (in other words I'm playing God in their life).  It's not cool - it doesn't work, it's not welcome and it carries with it consequences in the form of additional personal suffering (this is my experience). I'm not sure that I can be one hundred percent conclusive - however I'm reasonable sure that the examination of anything but my own "shadow" will elicit more pain than it will resolve. Which brings me full circle to those "immortal words" of my sponsor all those years ago - "what's your part?"(what do you know the "old fart" was right - I actually mean that in the spirit of love - wow what a trip!) I think I need to track him down and tell him - I'm pretty sure he'd enjoy hearing that!

Jung also said "until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate."So,  my road-map of the journey to enlightenment looks something like this - first I near killed myself with my addictive lifestyle (then I was told that I was also going to need to let go of "addiction" to "being right and thinking that no one knew what was good for me but me". So over time my mind is opened and I learn "new ways of being." Then I get to thinking I really got it going on now - only to find out what I think I know isn't going to help me with what I don't know and beyond that what I don't know - I don't know. (Cue the organ music...... enter the "shadow").

Why would I bother with all this sifting through the minutiae of my psyche - trust me at times I wonder that myself. But over all, it has (and is) yielding me answers to long-standing repeating patterns in my life. See if this at all sounds familiar - you've changed jobs, or relationships, circumstances etc. only to realize after awhile, the faces have changed but "I've been here before" - maybe one consoles themselves for a time with "this time it's going to be different" however it isn't and it won't be! (this certainly describes various scenarios in my life - of course it's entirely up to the individual to decide when they've had enough of something - conversely if it's working for you - go for it. The thing is where ever I go, there I am - I can run but I cannot hide (from "myself") - the unconscious goes about contributing to the creation of my reality even if I don't acknowledge it - a walk toward "wholeness" and "self-love" cannot be complete until I learn to acknowledge and love all of me. (which is turning out to be an exercise involving a willingness to walk through "short term" pain in order to lessen long term suffering) perhaps not an attractive prospect at first blush. This is the truth of my experience - any attempt to employ what some call the "spiritual bypass" which is the equivalent of trying to cover a mound of manure with daisies (after awhile it begins to stink again). My garden was full of weeds that must be pulled out, including the roots - just plucking them  or covering them over at the surface will result in them growing back.

These patterns (as per the Jung quote earlier) - I chalked up to "fate" or more truthfully "bad luck" or my being victimized in some way (personal responsibility and accountability have not been a walk in the park for me).  Oh how it hurt to find out I have indeed had a part "in all this" - it seems the quality of life in the present will not significantly improve until I grieve the limits I created that shaped my past (and could continue to shape both present and future). So when I hear people flippantly (in my opinion) tossing around phrases like "love and light" and how much they enjoy "coming to know themselves" - well suffice to say, that's not my experience. Yes eventually I have benefited from this expanded self-knowledge and experienced increased freedom - but I don't mind telling you it was hard-earned. These characteristics it would seem have been deemed "shadow" because that's exactly where "they"want to remain - if you imagine a fish looking through the water in it's aquarium and being asked to describe the environment it lives in - it defies observation because the fish is "in it." So I see the world the way I am (not necessarily as it is) this will remain the case until I'm willing to see something differently. The shadow resists examination largely because I don't want to view myself in a "negative light" or worse have someone else know that is true of me - but that which I refuse to see will invariably keep "taking me out."  I'd much rather point my finger at someone else - problem is there is zero chance I will see the need nor bring about, necessary change for me this way.

I've heard it said that one of the only things that remains constant is change - so, I have tried to keep things the same, I have fought tooth and nail and resisted change or denied it was necessary (for me) did any of this prevent change from occurring? Not so much!

God grant me the Serenity
To Accept the Things I cannot Change
Courage to Know the Things I Can
And the Wisdom to Know the Difference

"Leave everything you know behind." That just may include everything I think I know about myself. The jury is still out - however, it would seem, that in order to become more authentically myself, I have to determine who I am not. Not only that, but who I am meant to be, is limited by who I believe I am and without taking a look,  I won't even know why I believe that and could keep right on believing it - seems like a good case for making a change! Have I had a "Spiritual awakening" yet? I'm not sure I can make that determination for myself given the afore mentioned skewed vision - I do believe I'm learning how to ask a better question?