Conformity has been on my mind, naturally if it's on my mind I am considering it with regard to the various ways it has impacted me and what underlies that. Much of what I currently seek in my life is a more authentic relationship with myself and greater expression of that in the world. I don't know that makes me unique, but as it's not necessarily a frequent topic of discussion in my day to day life, I can't say how many others consciously are in pursuit of this same thing and for those that are, how they are experiencing that walk of life. For now I'm working (so to speak) toward deeper clarity regarding the motivating energies that drive my behaviour. As what might be dressed up as altruism could be driven by a mistaken belief like for example, "I don't belong" and so I align with a cause looking for acceptance from those others with the group that might extend the illusion of community and connection as we are "united" by this common ground. It is also possible that this group is inclined to glorify angry opposition then I can find an apt battlefield to keep alive the various forms of inner conflict, pain and unhealed energy without ever resolving it and very likely not bringing anything even close to my "A-game" to the situation I have unconsciously chosen as my diversion.
So then there is a vast difference between my peacefully representing myself (without the need to defend) or going against the grain with a whole lot of "f-you" attitude and then coming off like a victim if my approach elicits an "unwanted response." The same unconsciousness would have me assert the "other" person, place or thing, was the aggressor when in truth, I set myself up in the first place. This might not be a one time interaction i.e. A+B=C (though it could be) just as likely, I've been setting the stage for quite sometime so the wheels are set in motion already.
There are ways to bring about change within and without. My desire is to master myself. I have been long enough, the "rebel without a cause," engaged in "a cause" as somewhere to indulge in gratuitous rebelliousness, I have made wrong: individuals, whole groups of people, and various beliefs and ways of being in the world; rather than face my own angry cover story and the unresolved pain and grief that it was designed to repress. How could there possibly be peace, how could the world ever occur to me safe, when I harboured so many attack thoughts directed at myself? I could not (until I could) begin a process where by I could take responsibility (albeit incrementally) for being the terrorist in my own life and at the same incremental rate, look toward myself to be a loving presence toward myself.
The difference is, when I lovingly express myself as who I am I do so without attacking that which I don't align with. The "mythical" creature the hydra demonstrates the truth of my experience very well. When attacked, even cutting off any of its multiple heads simply resulted in it growing back two heads for every head cut off.
My experience is I can't do away with what I don't want through resistance or attacking it directly, doing so just hurts me and gives whatever it is more energy and then it has five heads (a more entrenched presence in my life). The answer lies in being able to love what is and lovingly create and express what I want.
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