The "Knows" Have it.

Yesterday seemed to be a day of, shall we say, recalibration - of me within me, but perhaps not entirely of me. For my part, It would seem that what was required was for me to become aware of some "system" of beliefs that were present within me, operating as truth though entirely erroneous. This goes beyond a laundry list mental recognition (as a new intellectualized veneer would merely be like new carpet laid upon rotten floor boards- although, even that analogy is only partially accurate, as there is nothing "rotten" within me) because, energetically I embodied them - i.e. "your biography becomes your biology." Beyond that, uncharacteristically I don't have a comprehensive explanation, which as it turns out, might be one of the necessary elements of this internalized reset - "I don't know" (I am saying I don't know with regard to what just stated? - No, I am actually saying the element I'm describing is, "I don't know.") Not necessarily my go to mental framework, "knowing" largely has been for me, a long-standing oasis of perceived control and safety.

So, what if you don't know and you know, you don't know (maybe you once knew and then later determined what you knew was nothing, or at least, when it came time to "apply" what you thought you knew upon deep-seated fear, which was also the creation of that which believed itself to know, the result was nil.

Suffice to say, a significant crisis of belief results! A false claim of knowing is an ineffective form of relief when brought to bear on such forms of soul angst even when the source of the angst isn't "real" even though the ensuing experience of it certainly feels real enough. It would seem that imagined knowing leaves much to be desired when summoned to respond, to the perfect storm of imagined fears; as imagining relief will be brought about by what you don't know, will very quickly demand of you: "let's get real!"

Of course the one experiencing the "dilemma" was me (not just waxing philosophically for its own sake) the knowing I refer to, is God (or if you will, that which is sometimes "known" as "God." Obviously there are no shortage of systems and adherents that claim, in no uncertain terms, to "know God" and the will of God.

In the interest of brevity, suffice to say, that a personal spiritual journey that claims to have more answers than merited, is no less problematic when "it," hits the fan! I was convinced I had to "understand" God in order to "know God." Of course even using the term "God" already places the framework upon "it" that comes from the tenets of systems that speak in terms of a "God." My experience would seem to indicate, the more I think "I know," the more limitations I place on whatever one decides they want to call, "all that is." Couple this with my earlier described "need to know"safety net, and I literally could be upon an endless quest of knowingness - which as I've indicated, doesn't necessarily provide ongoing inner peace.

The "new" not knowing perspective for me looks like this: I do my best to maintain the conditions whereby, I invite God to continually introduce itself, to me.