For all I know they may be entirely related - maybe it's all not unlike, the oft referenced, "butterfly effect."
I have walked into town, to complete a series of errands. I finally found the correct store to replenish ink cartridges for my fountain pen - yes I know, a decidedly "first-world" problem. In this moment I am unapologetic. Surely, there is a way I can be a "conscious consumer," and have & allow myself, various luxury and comfort. Did I "need" that pen...? Considering I may well have "hundreds" of pens, maybe not. Most of them are relatively inexpensive, I found a great many. I have gone so far as to say it was the universe giving me gently reminders of my intention (or to be aware of the call to write) and other times I have "collected" them compulsively.
I bought this fountain pen quite some time ago. It was not the most expensive pen in the shop (though was certainly more than I had ever spent for a pen) - I was drawn to it; partly due to the romanticism of owning a fountain pen, I was attracted to the spiral designs on the outside of the pen. I bought a quantity of cartridges at the time (which I tend to do with any pen that has refills) both for convenience and it seems often, if I wait, by the time I need a refill, they are no longer available. The supply I had originally purchased, was lasting, because I didn't exclusively use this pen. When I was out and about other times, I would stop into office supply stores in search of cartridges.. no luck.
My route into town took me in the vicinity of the shop (which in my mind's eye, was where I had purchased the fountain pen). One of the clerks informed me that they didn't carry these cartridges. I had brought along the remaining ones for visual aid. I'm glad I didn't get on my high horse insisting "you sold me the pen and now, you don't carry the cartridges... etc." After showing her the cartridges, I pulled the pen out of my pocket, she looked and I said, "it's a Shaeffer." "We don't carry Shaeffer's, we never have." She then proceeded to suggest a few other stores to try. (gratefully "drama" averted)
As I approached the next store, I'm sifting through my memory... and though not positive, it occurs to me, "you know, this actually might be where I purchased the pen!" They used to carry a number of colours of non-refillable fountain pens.. they had suggested, before I spend considerably more, on a refillable pen, try one of these cheap ones first, see if you even like this sort of pen. This is a worthwhile consideration given, though I am essentially ambidextrous .. I write predominantly left-handed ... so I have to change my approach somewhat, to avoid dragging my hand through the freshly written fountain pen print.
What an interesting thing "memory..." in this case - I was convinced the first store was "the place;" which as indicated, it turned out not to have been. The whole scenario came back to me once I entered the second store - but that "memory," was not available to me before then. (And yes, they had the cartridges & true to form, I bought two packages).. time will tell, if I remember this store and story "next time," and go directly to this shop.
Just before going into the shop, I saw across the road, a women that had been the "spiritual leader" of a "community," I hung around for quite sometime. I knew anecdotally, she had retired from that community. I had left some few years ago, feeling what they had going on there, was not in alignment for me. The idea of "community" is still somewhat of a conundrum to me. At any rate, I didn't feel like walking memory lane with her, so I made my way more directly into the shop.
Walking further downtown after the successful completion of the one errand.. I returned a library book ... walking through the courtyard of the library where I have busked numerous times in the past.. I could almost hear my own playing and singing (I had only just yesterday been talking to someone about my want to return to busking). Once inside the library, I saw the shelves where the "emerging local authors" books were displayed... my first book, had been on display there for a year, not so very long ago. Boxes of those books remain in my room.
Walking further into town, I'm now on my way, to a coffee shop where I have frequently sat to write. The afore mentioned book, would have had some of its inception there. I also wrote many of my blog entries, while sitting there.
My route was via a street in town that is decidedly busier during the tourist season. It is adorned in full spectrum retail world, Christmas fashion. As I round the corner, there is a fellow playing Amazing Grace on the Panpipes, not much further down the lane, another fellow in a t-shirt and makeshift poncho, is going through the garbage receptacles. I'm aware just how "amazing" grace can be at times! Just as I was so sure I knew I was going to the correct stationery store, I was struck by the notion, I might be oblivious, to how "grace," is playing out right now; at times I might even be convinced, nothing of the sort is going on, and in fact, "Grace" has left the building!
The fact is, I don't know.
I came around the corner from this scene down the next block ... I had one more stop at the "Vitamin Shop" and then, the afore mentioned coffee shop was right next door. I was in and out pretty quickly and went to step into the coffee shop .. I thought the reflections in the glass doors were playing tricks with my eyes... I refocused and looked through one of the bigger windows, the place was entirely empty with the exception of some of the original fixtures and some step stools - closed!!
What does that mean? I recalled some of the friendly banter I had enjoyed with some of the regular staff in there. Gone! What did I really know about those folks? Not really that much. Are they okay now? What about their jobs? Wow it's nearly "Christmas!!" I hope they're alright...
Kitty-corner is another coffee shop... it's been an alternative in the past.. funky motif (local shop .. not a franchise, so they can do their own thing)... I've sang at a few open mikes there in the past...
The moment I walk in and walk toward the counter (still processing all the previous) I see and recognize someone that I would see more or less weekly. Circumstances and personal choices of mine meant that intersection was not occurring. I was a little surprised to see her, very quickly at a loss for words, I could see she was with someone else, so I didn't want to intrude.... she jumped up and gave me a big hug, which I was happy to return.... She indicated some challenge she was experiencing in the moment... I was still a little conscious of the other person still being there. Apparently their "meeting" was over .. he excused himself and the exchange that followed; quickly acknowledged that I had not been "seen" for a while - without going into story, I just affirmed in deed, I had not been there to be seen. I wanted it known, I missed her and hearing her perspectives (I stated just that) - it apparently held true for her as well. There was time for another hug before she left (while reminding me, I knew how, when and where, to address the previously mentioned absences.
I sat down after placing my order..... watching the back of her walking off and beginning to write. (as I reach this point in the missive... the clock has arrived at 4:44)
If you're hoping for some sort of reconciliation, resolution, explanation for all the above, none will be forth-coming - not from me anyway. It's life weaving, creating, completing, beginning, ending, resolving, ringing through with dissonant harmony; rising, falling presenting mysterious today while answering questions from yester-year.
Post-script:
I was just in the process of proof-reading this piece before "posting it" - the door to the shop opens and who walks in, but one of the long-term employees of the shop that just closed! I greeted him and he sat down and filled me in after he got his coffee. Apparently they owners/head office weren't forth-coming with how the closures were going to happen. Himself and another women whom both worked there 7 or 8 yrs. were rather unceremoniously dismissed.
I guess, the previously described multi-faceted cascade of life had in mind I be here, just now - so that this fellow could process the "rug being pulled from beneath his feet." I was afforded a warm welcome and a seat in out of the cold at that coffee shop.... The same shop, that was his, livelihood. There were times when the money that afforded me a beverage there, I had only just "earned" busking. Grace opened those doors... and perhaps Grace is unfolding what will take place next, since those doors are now closed. It brought us together this afternoon. To remember, to seek solace after an unexpected turn, to look to the future; to find "Grace" in some unexpected time off over Christmas, and to offer encouragement to fill some of his time, with his love of creating animation.
I don't know how it works.... I don't know how any of it will turn out... I am in awe to witness all that is transpiring ... Clearly beyond what I'm actually able to perceive (when I pay attention) there is infinitely far more unfolding, all day, every day.
R. O'Neill (December 18, 2019)
No comments:
Post a Comment