Yesterday, being "Christmas eve." I decided to take in a early evening "Caroling service" at one of the "United" churches. Of what limited experience I have with this sect of Christianity the contents therein are relatively palatable (in small doses)... I was going there to sing, so the scope of their theology was not relevant to me. The evening began with a soloist on the harp, I caught the last few songs (as I wasn't aware this was part of the offering and had arrived closer to what I saw was the posted 7:30 p.m. start time. The harp music was beautiful!
The main floor of the "sanctuary" was very full. I commented as such as I was being steered in that direction by the usher. "Is there anything left down here," I asked? "Oh yes!!"
Upon looking around and determining what appeared open was "taken," and a few open seats were buried mid-row - which I declined. Not nearly enough consideration for my personal space preferences nor could I make a clean get-a-way if necessary!!
I opted to go back around and up to the balcony. I was informed due to fire safety protocols I would be disallowed a candle for the "candle-lighting" portion of the gathering... All the more reason to go where I can have my space ... I don't want to be wedged in with hordes of people brandishing lit candles!! This was a room full of Christians... what if they had a collective flashback & decided they were going to sacrifice a Pagan??
The evening turned out to be a mixture of carols (which I came for) scripture reading, (which I wasn't entirely prepared for (but I channeled Linus reading "Luke" something or other) for my personal amusement and choral performances (accompanied alternatively by piano and pipe organ) - pleasant enough but made for a more protracted evening than what I envisioned.
I sang ... with great gusto!! (Great for the heart and why would you sing in such an enormous space - if you weren't going to fill it?
During the remainder of the proceedings, I pondered why would people arrive when it's 75% over? Why would you go to the trouble to come to such an event (clad in Christmas finery) and leave part way through? I'm not finely attuned to Christian sensibilities but as far as I could tell the selected scriptures, minister's reflections - choral selections weren't offensive.....
I left during the closing choral performance of Pachebel's something or other.... to beat the rush to the facilities. I then exited self-satisfied that despite intermittent emotional malaise, I got out and embrace something I enjoyed - singing!
I decided to carry my holy days observances further downtown to the cathedral yard where I could walk the labyrinth. On route there I was stopped by a lanky gentleman darkly clad, who offered me the sale of a PVR (which was vaguely concealed under said dark clothing) I'm not particularly electronics savvy but I think that is some sort of recording device.... I politely declined, despite the assurance of better than retail pricing... I told him not to give up hope, perhaps he'd have better luck selling it on Boxing Day!! "Is there anything else I can do for ya,?" he asks. I'm thinking, "I'm not sure I want to know, what he possibly has in mind that he might "do for me."
"Ya know, I don't think so, but thank for offering, I hope you have a great night!!"
I got to the labyrinth and did my walking contemplation. The christians in that venue, contributed to my practice by going mad on the cathedral bells.. I wondered did my footfalls disrupt the complete lack of anything melodically discernible that they were offering... It then became clear, what I was to let go of as I proceeded deeper into the labyrinth.
Coming back the same way I had come to the cathedral yard... as if "out of no where" there was suddenly a youngish women right up close and personal.. Clearly she had missed the directive regarding my personal space requirement... For the life of me, I don't know where the hell she came from ... I was walking along and boom, there she was...
Anyway ... I just said, "hey how's it going?" "What...?" she says, "oh good, ya.. don't mind me, I was a million miles away..."
I'm thinking -"from a million miles away, here you are now breathing in my face... where the feck did you come from??)
"Would you like to by some rock?"
Now I would consider myself being far, far beyond the universe trying to "test" me in such a fashion however who am I to say really... (of course there would have been a time).... now it so abundantly clear I neither want any nor do you have enough should I decide that I do....
So once again, I'm politely declining... and this time the response is, not what else could she do for me, but "well you know what you could do for me????"
I'm intrigued by now, "do tell what, might I be able to do for you?" "I'm in a little over my head, she says.. If you don't want to buy any of this could you spot me five dollars so I can pay "this guy," and get the heat off...?
I don't know who "this guy" is.... but I'm aware that Christmas eve or not - if she doesn't come up with the money - she will undoubtedly "pay" in some fashion....
I said, "is there an ATM in that convenience store?" .... "oh yes, thank you!!!" As we're walking to the store ... "do ya think you could make it ten?" ah.... no, really whatever you can do, that would be great!!"
I got cash from the machine and gave her twenty dollars... she looks at me stunned and oh my God, there are not very many people like you around!!!" and gives me a big hug.... Who's to say (me included "what kind of guy I am" (some would say I'm enabling ... some would say I'm wasting my money...) blah, blah, blah...
She asks me how might night is going, I said it's pretty mellow. "oh I wish she says, well it's going to be better now that I can pay this guy but...." I just said, well ya know, it doesn't have to be this way...
"But for now, I don't want you getting hurt.." she thanks me, blesses me and disappears into the night.
Keep in mind, I don't go looking for these events to happen, I simply go with the flow of what's occurring in the moment. I do have an intention, to be the change I wish to see in the world. So far, I haven't any explicit definition of what that looks like.
Today (Christmas day) I decided to attend an afternoon community dinner put on by the "recovery community" - it is attended by a vast array of such as well as low income folks with a wide variety of different backgrounds.
I got in line with a fellow I know from a First Nations support agency I volunteered for.. as we filed in through the door, we were each offered a gift of toiletries in a new pair of socks. I took the gift with gratitude and will ensure it gets somewhere where it can do the most good.
There was so much food there!! Continually there were volunteers circulating with platters of baked goods ... I had a good meal and honestly, the sugar bombs just didn't have any allure. I even went to the "dessert table" I had seen folks coming back to their seats with pumpkin pie and whip cream, but when I got to the table and looked at it all - it just wasn't appetizing.
I had a medley of squash and yams, a little stuffing and a piece of turkey smaller than my cellphone. I eat mostly vegetarian (still the occasional salmon) and on this occasion I decided to gift myself a little turkey...
All you vegetarian police ... can either chill or go ask yourself, why someone else's choice, is so concerning to you??
What a cast of characters at this feast!! One women called me over and asked... "do I know you as a musician?" I'm thinking, well it's all relative isn't it??"
But yes, both of us used to attend the "Unity" community where I performed as the solo music a handful of times... I've seen here around town since, availing herself to resources to support her low income status -- So I see her on the streets pushing her bike (loaded with bags) or pulling a little cart - when I've been busking....
"Yes, I busk around town from time to time.." "I thought so, she says....." "keep the music coming.."
That's more encouragement than I've received from some people that were supposedly much closer to me.
By many measures of society .... we're an auditiorium sized room full of "mis-fits." But the thing about bringing a group of such together is .... we know what it's like to be ostracized, and it simply doesn't happen here... bring your eccentricities, wear 'em loud and wear 'em proud!!
No means test at the door. No designer fuck-all. But there is creativity, let me tell you!! There is warmth, compassion, caring and genuine concern for each other and by and large not a drop of liquor has been consumed by any one!! (even if so, as long as a complete shit show is not being presented - welcome, and keep coming back!!)
After dinner ... I thought I was going to pay a visit to someone and needed to kill some time first. So I decided to go back to the labyrinth for a day time walk...
When I arrived there - there was an older fellow sitting on one of the church yard benches.. we exchanged greetings as I walked by... He was hooded and wearing one of those woolen sherpa hats so he wasn't recognizable to me at first..
As I was walking the labyrinth two and two came together.... where he was sitting... cane on the back of the bench... which would make sense as my recollection was of a pending knee surgery earlier this year...
Once I got done my walk... I came back his way, stopped and gave him a few memory cues to see if I had the right guy and did he remember?
Sure enough it was him... we've hung out there a few different times... he lives in a "shelter" in town... did have that surgery (has since had all his teeth extracted) and is waiting for his mouth to heal to get full dentures... He had been around the venue (where I went for dinner) earlier to volunteer to set up ... said, there was "too much drama," and stress so he just went on his way....
You'll be happy to know that between the two of us and over the course of an hour or so ... we pretty much solved the quandaries of the world...
So it's near 6pm Christmas day (evening) as I write this.... Someone just drove along the avenue out front of my condo at Mach 9 (God willing they won't kill themselves or some else in there haste to get where ever it is they're going)....
I think though relative early, the day is done. That is my Christmas story. Unconventional I suppose, but it seems to me it has the requisite connection and honouring of humanity and relationships.
One belongs .... yes of course (when they decide they belong within themselves) - so says Obi Wan Kanobi or maybe it was Master Po....
But pragmatically - belonging occurs, where one is welcomed ... as they are.
Christmas day or any day, change for yourself, if the need serves you well ... But to continually try and change yourself, to fit in or gain acceptance, from someone else... is no end of painful!!
I think Christmas will always be a disappointment as long as people try and define it along the lines of any number of previously existing story lines.
If one, writes the story after having participated in it's unfolding, how can one be let down by the story?
R. O'Neill (December 25, 2019)
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