Liberation from Tradition

T'is the season!! Who says? While it might seem like most everyone, chances are that's a skewed perception. What if one paid it no attention whatsoever? For those that are firmly ensconced in the capitalist/consumer mindset; and derive their notion of success, based on their position in that system, and the magnitude of the gifts, being reflective of that form of "prosperity;" to not participate, would be unthinkable. Crucifixion at the hands of the "Jones!!"

Though I have varying degrees of experience with different "faith paths" this time of the year, I wouldn't know what any individual within, or their sub-set as a whole believe might happen if they took a pass.

For the "I'm spiritual, not religious" crowd, as might be expected a widely varying response. Blended with the cries to "save Mother earth" (from crass commercialism/consumerism) there are "Christmas specials" on crystals (mined from Mother earth) readings sourced from everyone from Archangel Michael to Lassie. And of course, for those for whom, their heart may weigh heavy during this time of tyrannical joyfulness and peer enforced glee; your pain can be commodified and filtered through a seemingly endless array of different lenses; room in your budget facilitated through "sliding-scales."

Whether you consider the "holidays" from a commercial standpoint or seeking solace through the darkest time of the year - access to many facets are privileged. I saw somewhere recently the "average" Christmas expenditure would be eight hundred and some odd dollars. "AVERAGE!!?

I have privilege. In this day and age, I can check all the boxes that define such. I am housed, a little cash reserve etc. I won't inventory my assets, nor apologize for them being in my current possession. What I'm doing from my position of privilege and about it, are not the focus of this particular post. I am not what anyone would call financially astute and still, the very idea of spending $800.00 + just on Christmas, seems ludicrous to me. Obviously, as an "average," that amount could rise quite considerably. I presume it still to be true, that many retail outlets literally depend on Christmas spending, to flush out their annual revenue. Now I don't begrudge someone their livelihood, there again, I'd wonder about the sustainability of business models, that are reliant on that unbalanced spending model.

I won't have to speculate or consider this matter abstractly come the end of the year. In fact I currently am embodying the lack of participation. Circumstances are such, that I am effectively alone this year, which I suppose means, I don't have, the direct involvement or influence from anyone, to engage. It is equally true, that I have a distinct lack of distraction, which fans the flames of introspection/reflection; losses and absences thereby, becoming more pronounced.

There will be no gift giving or receiving. I don't need anything anyway. Through episodes of excess, I have more than I need ... given my penchant for impulsivity - at any given moment, there could be a purge. I know first hand the incarceration of stuff.... I've also never been able to renounce it all together.  The work I'm currently doing ... doesn't exactly ignite passion in me .. though it most certainly is, a valuable service. As such, I certainly wouldn't want to do more of it, just to pay for Christmas.

I have very few plans related to the season, specifically. I did respond affirmatively to some form of Solstice gathering... I don't have design on becoming a recluse. On the other hand, I gracefully (I hope) turned down an invitation, to attend another potluck gathering. I was already feeling spent the day of, the prospect of feeling obliged to be "on," struck anxiety in my heart. I began to imagine being at the gathering, having exhausted all avenues of "networking" & small talk; which might take me about 15 or 20 minutes, and that's if I'm allowed unrestricted access to the food table, so at least some of the discourse, will be about the food - interrupted, by eating the food. I look around the room, everyone else seems to be genuinely engaged in conversation. There's a balance and a flow, I don't want to interrupt any of them, soon thereafter, I determine, I don't belong here at all. I look outside, and my car is boxed in three, four deep ..... That's it!!! Clearly my driving days are over, I need to get out of here, and, I couldn't possibly interview enough people, to determine who owns all those cars and, ask them to move, so I can get out.... I must abandon the car and walk!!!!!!

So you see, crisis averted .... I just didn't go!

I've seen mention of various Christmas "services." There's a certain allure to singing the songs. If I consider it, predominantly, I like to sing. There would be some degree of familiarity, (though I don't know the words to any of them from beginning to end) and therefore comfort. Equally true, it's possible some will incite melancholia ... I don't personally pathologize my grief, but I guess I'm not entirely comfortable, with being emotionally transparent in a room full of strangers. Ironically, a congregation, wouldn't be where I would go seeking compassion. I don't entirely renounce Jesus (Yeshua).... however that's where the "carols" & I meet the parting of the ways. I'll be singing along and look at an approaching lyric and everything in me comes to a screeching halt ("Say What???") ah... hell know, I'm not going to say that!!!!!

The teachings of Yeshua particularly with respect to their availability to everyone... that's what resonates for me... of course the songs don't reflect that. I've been in some church gatherings and the proceedings (or some part of it) I've been deeply moved by or connected with..... PARTS of!!!!

But largely ... I enjoy them the most, when the place is mostly empty, or there are just a few people, observing their own silent contemplation..

It's just as likely that I'll get up "Christmas" morning, if I remember, maybe I'll have bought myself a grapefruit or something "special," for breakfast and then, I'll just go for a hike. Should be no problem accessing the local trails ...

My whole life is up for review... so much is in flux (or my life is coming to an end, who the hell really knows anyway??) Even if there are decades remaining in my life... there are innumerable endings to acknowledge (some current, many - that weren't given their due respect when they were current,  and they require such now, in order to be integrated. None of this is a popular undertaking (any time of year) - I'm not playing any high moral ground card... if I could get away with further repression, damn straight, I would... Yes I could choose not to, No I'm not prepared to face the consequences of that... I'm clear, for me there is only one choice..

I can rouse some handfuls of enthusiasm moment to moment.. Long range plans seem to me, to have no basis in merit...

I'm tuning and fine tuning..... from the inside out..... Where has my energy been directed? (has it had any direction?) Who is "in the river with me?" I don't mean those standing on the banks throwing stones, or that turn and walk the other way when you call their name.... Is there anybody there? If not... okay! Better to know that now, rather than any further painful illusion...

I don't expect this to ever be a resurrection or return to Christmas' of excess

I'm not here to judge how anyone else engages ... (just keep it contained to yourself) & I will participate (or not) exactly how I see fit moment to moment.

So maybe Christmas this year for me, will be more a kin to Dicken's Spirits of Past and Present - if indeed, I am to have any kind of future, that I care to embrace.

R. O'Neill (December  20, 2019)