It made me aware that though he sat all of 2-3 metres away... the disconnect can present as a chasm considerably longer and infinitely deeper. I instantly considered how frequently, I sat on the fringes trying to vicariously be "part of" ... not really knowing how to "join," and then being terrified if invited.
As I continue to flush this out, I can and will only speak to the matter, from the perspective of the male experience (this male.. not all males). I suspect there exists similar experience for other men and women as well, however, they can voice that for themselves.
When only the two of us remained in the dining area, he asked where I was from. The divide narrowed and the ice field receives the first blow.
I won't go into many specifics.. though remote, overall I have no idea who reads these blogs; so in an interest to preserve his anonymity, I will not provide potentially, identity revealing, information.
He like myself, was here from elsewhere. Derry is a destination that he and his wife have travelled to in the past as part of their vacations. On this occasion he was travelling alone and had been to the coast, to attend a memorial for his father.
This is now hallowed space...
I did my best to "be the listening.." (there was a radio playing in the background and his was a fairly thick accent) extraneous sensory input .. can be anything from mildly distracting, to overwhelming for me, depending on the intensity.
He indicated that he was heading back to bed soon, as the night before led to him, "getting drunk.."
I empathized with him, his pain - the prospect of sharing such a plate full of grief and whatever other stew of feelings that might be present for him, with a stranger - he is, my brother (in fact he is me!!)
I don't judge the presentation, the coping response or what can be seen as by some as aloofness etc. I have lived it all ... sometimes in some ways, I still do.
As I consider the interaction now ... I sincerely hope that even if all I mustered, was half-baked empathy/compassion/understanding - maybe it's better than stone-cold indifference, or a silence; driven by concern for getting it wrong, or that my awkwardness, might convey a lack of sincerity.
All day every day, I suppose I am deciding who I am. I don't really spend an inordinate amount of time considering "as a man... I will respond this way..." or that response, doesn't at all reflect who I choose to be "as a man.." It's my humanity that is at stake, truly I can't allow myself to be shaped by the endless expectations, definitions and indoctrinations of what it means to "be a man." Just the same, I am alive in the milieu and have been influenced by all of it.
Some days I believe "the world is my oyster.." other times, that I'm about to be swallowed whole. I certainly don't present myself in this "male" configuration, as though it has anything like more than a "fair share" of suffering. I can only really speak experientially from the framework I exist in. The best I can do is to listen deeply to others, with the aim of understanding their experience.
I'm aware of my "white male privilege" ... though it is not comprehensively and abundantly clear, what I'm going to do about this knowing. I'm open to the conversations with men and women as to how to move forward both individually and I believe more importantly, as our collective humanity. It's also not going to be resolved over afternoon coffee and a few biscuits.
I acknowledge that, in my lifetime, in an effort to numb my own pain ... I was deeply desensitized to the pain of others and unconscious of how I contributed, to suffering in the world. I have far more compassion for my pain and that of others now, than I have judgment and condemnation, for how I once lived. I don't "close the door on where I've come from," I won't accept the indictment and scorn of others... I don't define myself by where I came from.
I don't consider myself a "special breed of man," a "light being," (and with all due respect, I can't even conceive the possibility of my being a "star-seed" or the like) - I just aim to be one among many, comfortable in my own skin, no better than, no worse than. That's a full time job for me! I don't know for all men everywhere, how they should show up. I don't know the "answer" to patriarchy nor do I believe that men entirely benefit from it ... or are the only ones upholding it.
I'm responsible for my personal evolution... I don't know how or even if, that impacts the whole of humanity. No matter what I find as helpful in how I show up in the world, there will be millions of men, doing their own thing. I'm not "doing it right & they're doing it wrong.."
I know... how I was living, was killing me. I have sat in enough circles and spaces where a cross-section of men were represented. From our collective sharing, I recognize that there are many common themes in our experiences. Mine is not a unique burden.. no more, than I hold it as such.
If I can be a part, of lessening the suffering of my brothers by listening... I want to do that. It is interesting to me.. that there are so many that would advocate, that humans each, are on their own soul journey and that learning to "tune-in" to their own "inner guidance;" will reveal for them, their unique path. Then some of these same people, suggest - "men have it all wrong & should proceed along the following lines.."
Ask me ... how it is for me! I will do my best to articulate that.
I know my suffering in silence and many of the characteristics associated with "the man box" - didn't serve me at all. I don't know what's best for another man (or women)... but I certainly will listen, so they might sort it for themselves. A great many ways I have conducted myself during my life time, haven't been specifically attributable to my being "male." It's a piece of the puzzle, but it's not the whole picture. I came from a dysfunctional environment, and I perpetuated that dysfunction, all of which; severely diminished my humanity, and my limited my life experience.
If all you have to offer is that as a man ... I have it all wrong. Or worse yet, masculinity in itself is a pathology, you have significantly imposed your limitations, on any possibility, of who I am.. It also follows (in fact, proceeds) that the same is true, if I do it to myself.
To conclude, I believe it matters less: the pain of my past & the mistakes I've made. Even as I try to show up more authentically currently, there are those interactions that feel satisfying & those that I wish for a "do over."
Who is doing it any better (whether man or women)?
R. O'Neill (November 21, 2018)
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