By there account this was the "first time" I had ever been first for breakfast. I made light of it (as I do, when I've been unexpectedly "exposed," and proceeded to get my cereal and fruit cup. One of the staff, wishing to confirm the remainder of my breakfast, guessed (what I had a couple days previous, when she had been working). As it happened that wasn't at all what I wanted today.
There is absolutely no "foul" committed here. But the experience got me to thinking, how interesting, that want/need; to categorize/simplify (reduce to the lowest common denominator). Here it was being applied to me by someone else, I absolutely have, can & do the same towards others and of course toward myself (maybe even more vastly than I realize).
This notion that "the known," is far more predictable and therefore "safe," can run deeply through one's life, by which I mean, mine.
I'm know without question through out my writing for example, there would be examples of my thinking I knew something and then presenting it as though it was some unassailable truth for everyone. Further self-exploration reveals to me, that represented my compelling need for "safety" and attempting to present something as impeccable to provide myself some form of stabilizing foundation..
On the one hand, I regret any assault I may have inflicted on other people's belief systems and journey's. Alternatively that was where I was at the time, and couldn't be somewhere I wasn't.
Given there will always be infinitely more I don't know than what I do, that would seem then to invite a greater ease, with "not knowing."
For me, not knowing, had become associated with humiliation and shame. By no means the only factor that contributed to these beliefs about myself.. but anything that triggered these painful feelings became strong motivators to avoid pretty much anything that might pull the trigger.
I was also reared in an environment that was "conditionally loving" at best, so the "unpredictable" nature of it (not knowing when someone would fly into a fit of rage) spawned ways of being that were aimed at "controlling" people and outcomes.
There was also a very regimented approach to life in that home and while some structure and form are useful... I would say, an environment that is too "predictable" and inflexible - fosters a seeking of uniformity in the world, in order to feel safe.
I hope my writing and world view continue to reflect my honest discovery and insights... further to that my intention is to leave others to their own discovery and beliefs. If something I share resonates for you... great. If you patently believe it's misguided that's great too. I might come to believe that myself eventually. A season for everything (and everyone). I envisioned my healing journey and exploration to be of service to others... that cannot hope to be true if I beat people over the head with what I am learning..
Some will have stepped in the same minefield as I, and others will have avoided it altogether. The underlying fear and shame that comprise my own healing journey have compelled me to speak in terms of knowing how it is for others what need be done about it...
I am being granted, through grace, insight into the human condition (mine)! It is possible there are underlying reoccurring themes that would be true for others, it is up to them however to declare that as true. I "know" nothing.
I've been back in the B & B in Derry for (roughly 3 days) and when I walk into the bathroom, I still reach for the light cord as though it is situated in the same place as where I stayed in Dundalk!! I'm not trying to make a federal case about such an inane occurrence.. It just shows me, how easily I can slip from being present to current "reality" and be grasping for the past (familiar). Relating to myself and others with that same inclination, in effect won't allow my seeing anything else possible, but what I have predetermined.
Again I apologize for what certainly must be seen as a lack of humility on my part.. These realizations must in turn inform how I present, as I seek to lessen my imposing of limitations. I seek those places within myself where "fear" resides - a deepening of that search and discovery holds for me expanded potential freedom. Nobody can provide me with the "safety and assurance" I have been seeking. This is true whether they "agree" with my assessment and equally true and fruitless, is my trying to assert my truth on others, rather than consider theirs (if only to acknowledge that we can both remain with our respective beliefs) and perhaps gain an expanded perspective; rather than succumb to my own perception of being "threatened" and destabilized and an associated need to "defend," myself.
Travel has a way of serving myself.. up to myself. I suppose in no small part, because geographically speaking (culturally, time zones, and most everything) is unfamiliar. Even to rely on "who I am" and what I believe, can still be reflected in a different reality, and therefore, come up for reassessment.
I'm not one that likes to be in a different town every day. For one thing I like to more deeply experience where I find myself (I don't immediately tire of some growing familiarity). There would be I'm sure some influence by those facets of myself I've already mentioned, so I do look to some sense of familiar to ground me. I don't know, but I suspect this would hold true as part of "how I like to do things." I try to allow for some "spontaneity" - but I won't invite a full on assault of what I experience as "chaos," I just don't think my growth has to always come in such harsh packages. There are times too, when I enjoy to "retreat" into myself and don't want to be "on the go.." This has nothing to do with the people I might have previously spent time with. It is the recognition that.. no matter how much I love these others, I need time, where I don't have to be "on."
I think I'm learning to walk a gentler path, I am realizing newly that fine line that exists between when I'm being "defensive" and in turn becoming "offensive." I'm not talking about massaging my views (hyper-vigilant political correctness) nor care-taking the feelings of others. I'm trying to articulate a further departure to "black & white" thinking ... that for me has nothing to do with being in my heart.
I don't like being "put in a box.." - I need to realize that is likely true for others. I don't "stereotype all day, everyday.. I also don't consider at all times, how much more is going on, than what I currently or maybe ever, will understand.
I know experientially how good it feels to really be heard. I want to provide some version of that for others. Granted "Non-Violent" or "Compassionate" Communication - NVC) is yet another paradigm, but there are elements of it's "formulations" that invite so much more to be conveyed between people. I know the validity of that for myself anyway. It doesn't mean that I'm now going to hoist that platform as the be all to end all. It means that through various paths, and experiences and yes, systematic lenses ... I become aware of more being possible than what I previous believed.
Somewhere between seeking a place of peace for myself through something familiar and knowing I'll never "understand" (it all) and perhaps was never meant to; there exists a way of being that is always new, ever-changing and refreshing and yet is not at all threatening/life-threatening. (I suspect that place exists or is obscured, between my ears).
I defer once again, to an old "Standard..."
God grant me the Serenity
To Accept the things
I cannot change
The Courage
To change the things
I can
The Wisdom to know the difference!!
R. O'Neill (November 22, 2018)
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