At some point in my early life, I had determined there to be an acute lack of love & further decided I surely must be responsible for this. Wasn't worth it, didn't deserve it, was flawed, broken, defective and deserved to be punished.
On this "foundation" I set out to build a life. Now the fact I'm still sitting here and able to write this account, is strongly indicative that indeed there was "a life" - as lived through, this lone facet of humanity. Quality of living would be an entirely different conversation.
So my ticket to ride, when I presented at the doors of A.A. (broken, battered, bankrupt .. in every sense of the word) was desperation. Not exactly anything to brag about. The journey within A.A. and subsequent path outside its doors, has been diverse broad, deep & last but by no means least, LONG!! Way longer than I would have ever imagined. Mercifully this is true, as if I had gotten a whiff of the length of time, amount of blood, sweat and tears, that were going to be required (when I first showed up) I would have quickly run out the door I came through.
I have been in the company of many extraordinary people along this journey. This has allowed me an ongoing dance with and experience of, love. Simultaneously, I resented and envied these people, because I couldn't conceive of myself as one among them. (like the old Groucho Marx line: "I couldn't possible respect an organization, that would allow me membership!!"
It continually goes back to, and maybe has always been, about love. In various ways I deny love and acceptance for myself. Those around me are being the best possible version of themselves they know how (maybe seeking love and approval as well) & I reduce the whole matter, to be about my exclusion.
I have a various times (maybe more often than not) tried to present myself as "spiritual guy" extraordinaire, I suspect I have alienated more people than I have helped. Feeling so deeply inadequate, I have overcompensated.... if I'm I really, really, sparkly, holier than thou, devout, pious, connected, light, gifted, conscious - maybe, (but it turns out probably not).... I'll get "more love and approval" from those around me and God/Love.
It's time I showed up..... for real. I am profoundly ordinary. In groups full of talent, I will be the last remembered/first forgotten. Throughout my life, though I have applied myself with some continuity to various things, it's possible I will never present, with "mastery" of anything. I actually don't know if I'm naturally drawn to a wide diversity of paths, fields, disciplines; or the outward presentation of my trauma, sees to it that I cannot "settle" anywhere.
I have no business seeking or allowing residence on any sort of pedestal. Not only would I prefer to avoid inevitably being knocked off (when my humanity presents front and centre)... I will most certainly fall right off the damn thing anyway...
I am committed to the release of any further need to compare myself to anyone else. From "Desiderata" I'm reminded:
"If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself."
It has always been far easier for me to consider that greatness exists in others than any exist "less than me."
What people are saying, doing, believing, presenting; is none of my business. I want to fall deeply and passionately in love through the portal of my ordinariness. There is no further point, (not that one existed previously - except maybe to get me here) in trying to be anything I'm not. I'll no longer pretend, to understand what is going on around me, that I "feel" what others are feeling, that I have the inside track on anything or to anywhere. I renounce any "specialness" regarding me whatsoever.
No longer will I pray or meditate in order to weave window dressing. I pray & meditate to attain even a whisper, of assurance ... that a peace exists; beyond a mind, that seeks to keep me in a state of constant terror, insecurity, fear, self-doubt, skepticism etc.
The more I have tried to be "seen" .. the more I have given cause to uphold invisibility.
Allow me to reintroduce myself: My name is Robert John O'Neill & I am really quite ordinary.
I have generated a renewed want, to be comfortable in my own skin and to just know, love is; and to surrender, any need to stand out in a crowd.
I've seen the top of some mountains... I hope to see a few more. I most certainly don't want to step on anyone, during my climb.
In the writing of this, am I just continue to clamber for attention? Well, by it's very nature, writing must be visible.
The "fifth step" of the 12-step programs is: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
While I don't adhere to A.A. as the entirety of my spirituality .. there are elements of it that continue to serve me to this very day.
Regardless of the spirit of these steps during their conception, this one in particular, I don't consider a process of "shaming," self-flagellation, or tearing myself down.
It is a "rigorously honest" assessment of what has been true for me, which is now witnessed in it's recognition and acknowledgment; and further goes on, to outline my intended vision of my personal transformation (through the Grace of God) I don't know what that will go on to look like. I know at depth, what is "Not working." Framed as such, this is an act of self-love. I want to release myself from the suffering created through the unskilled and ungraceful strategies, I have employed while avoiding my own trauma & woundedness.
Have I made any progress in thirty odd years? In fairness, yes I have - I only need see where I came from, to acknowledge that. It doesn't however, mean I can rest on my laurels.
I don't fit. I've never fit. And I'm inching closer to accepting, I'm not suppose to.
I may well never go, where I'm not invited. Despite my boisterous expression at times, I don't wake each morning intent on forcing myself on anyone. Having said this ... I suppose I belong where I give myself the okay ... to be.
To be... or not to be?
To Thine Own Self Be True....
More relevant to me than ever!!
And for the record, those these references of course come from the works of William Shakespeare ... don't for a moment, believe I'm some sort of literary scholar ...
I first became acquainted with the first quote, from an episode of "Gilligan's Island."
And the second, is quoted in A.A. literature, and is inscribed on some of their "medallions.."
R. O'Neill (November 25, 2018)
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