I just arrived back in Derry yesterday. I say back, because I spent a significant portion of a six month stay in Ireland last year, in this very town. The fact that I'm here, and of this particular imagery, are not necessarily the soul-motivation; (pun intended) for the reflections that follow, unless they are. How would I know, what external presentations are brought together in conjunction, with what I have previously considered, to be "my musings," in order to convey a particular mosaic for all to see. Further to this, whom would we cite as the source?
The illustration, I snapped from a picture hanging on the wall in the B&B. At that moment, if asked, I might have responded, "because I really love that image." I suppose if that were to be mined further, it would reveal some or all of the beautiful associations I have of being in Derry and these images are then, "memory triggers" - linked to those experiences.
While all that might be true, it turns out as the morning unfolds I have other "ideas," percolating and now that picture is to be used along with them. Whose ideas? Not necessarily "mine," though I for one, might benefit directly from them, as I share them.
The sculpture, superimposed here upon the city-scape, as I recall from visiting it previously; represents two sides of a conflict that resulted in vast atrocity and loss of life. The representatives now stand in relative peace, albeit hesitant to extend that remaining distance (seen here to be millimetres ... which might just as readily be seen as kilometres) to truly reunite as one people. From my own life, I have some awareness of the challenges involved in forgiveness, and the healing held within. From this I try and formulate an understanding of the complexity for collectives in search of peace beyond the horrors of violence and mayhem. I acknowledge I take liberties in presuming peace is the desired outcome. I also presume my challenge with forgiveness is not mine alone.
I then depart from the history of the city, and the "intended" expression of the artist, that created the sculpture; though some of those themes may remain.
The remainder of the picture, reveals architectural wonders, from various times in history; some of the infrastructure past and present, within which people, weave their day to day lives. Still for me, the spectre of those hands reaching across a divide, but not clasping, haunts me. I don't just see that as metaphorically synonymous with Derry; but throughout, human relationship. To account for any inclination to project, I will acknowledge, that at least I hold that to be true of my relationships.
In considering the matters of "Spirituality" and/or human development/evolution I read extensively, try to avail myself to a wide variety of experiences, and write as a source of ongoing inquiry, insight and expression.
There would have been a time, when I thought that these paths, would lead to connection with people of similar appetites and a collective discovery, of a greater peace. What I find instead, although not entirely, is a great deal of divisiveness; and paradigms of varying complexities (many of which I don't believe I have the time or inclination to consider or assimilate) that are used, to uphold this division and to ensure that those two hands may never join.
I consider "discussions" and representations occurring online. First of all, I am reassessing how much any of that, is helpful to me. The original "post" may well contain seeds of hope, inspiration, expansion, information etc. So often the responses, while telling on some levels, if they mark anything to do with evolution - it might be, that it is to be a long drawn out process.
There are those, that present as having spent considerable time; basting in the juices of this path or that philosophy or the other psychological framework. I should acknowledge here, as a relatively uneducated man, I can really only use these terms in a rather superficial way. It's possible I might use them interchangeably where that is not appropriate. I have read from volumes across the spectrum of some of it. There are vast treatise, life works, literary sources, religious texts, that are the common consumption of those that have journeyed the halls of academia, that I may never pick up.
Still I ask, just as with the architectural wonder, technological advancement, geopolitical theory and application, what is the use of all that "education" - if hands cannot be brought together? (By which I certainly don't mean, a relative fews hands, joined together to crush another group).
I may be uneducated but, I know the pain of exclusion. It doesn't matter to me, if the group literally closes the door on me, or if I, in a myriad of ways, deny myself that inclusion. It produces the same result, excruciating pain.
I see a clear distinction between those that engage in discussions and further exploration, of a vast array of "disciplines;" as an extension of their passion, and those that hold an interest, in the same subject matter, but use it to uphold the perception of their own superiority, and a weapon against inclusion.
How is it helpful to come upon a discussion of matters so obscure (even though heard occurring in one's mother tongue) that there is left no way, to relate?
I continue (not as a daily consideration) but just the same, as a facet of my personal peace process, to include, that at a place in time, where it might have been more "typical," to pursue "higher education" I believed utterly in my lack of potential, and was more focused on self-destruction than anything else. Of course at any time since then, I could still seek entrance to these avenues of education; however; now, though I believe I could, hold my own in these environments (albeit I might still be adverse to the workload) - I don't feel inspired to go there, unless it was a course here or there, on something of interest.
I don't see that as a choice to remain "ignorant" (but I suppose there might be those that would suggest that's exactly what it is). I have no axe to grind with "the educated," as I said, I continue to look at anywhere there may exist for me, "envy," insecurity, thoughts of inadequacy - that might be part of me feeling less than and excluded. I don't hold that education invariably leads to arrogance (but it can in some cases). Will those individuals continue to posture themselves that way? How would I know! It is more useful for me to continue to look for arrogance, backed by what I think I know and remove these blocks to my connection.
I see education (regardless of the source) as being used in service; to reach out and give others a hand up.
There are those "fraternities" and groups that feed their adherents with the notion of "specialness." Their affiliation is then used as a cloak; their valued considered to be, what they know, and from where they attained it. Meanwhile they may return home each night, and kick their dog and abuse their spouse.
There are those that have no such education or affiliation, yet they have an innate willingness and inclination; to continually reach out across the divides; even when their hand is renounced as being "uneducated," naive, unsophisticated. Much to my bewilderment, I see time and time again - those that flaunt their education, not satisfied to live at peace in their own world view; but seemingly thriving on a need to diminish, shame and ridicule; those that aren't as educated as them and therefore do not hold the same views. Are they really at peace at all? I don't suppose the need to make others wrong and associated character assassination was part of the curriculum. The source likely preexisted the "education."
How very isolated it must be to build ones own "Ivory tower" and then barricade themselves behind the door.
Given this blog of mine has existed for quite some time now, it might serve me well, to read some of the reflections from a cross-section of it.... Certainly I might be able to gain the benefit of a reflection of the "distance" from where I was, to where I am. But I would almost invariably, be served for my own consumption, a platter of my own arrogance and self-assurance.
Now I hope I can express from a place that acknowledges my human needs of safety, security, belonging, acceptance, love, to be heard, for respect. But also from the acknowledgment, that at times I fear: failure, success, being alone, intimacy, being unseen, unappreciated, unworthy.
That I can acknowledge all of this is progress for me. In my sometimes unskilled attempts to meet some or negate others of these - I show up as a complete lack of grace.
There have been so many hands, that have reached out to me in my life. To be fair, I have also pulled up my own socks as required, while at other times I sit dissatisfied with the colour of the socks, coveting someone else's socks or lost in the pondering, of the purpose of socks.
It is my intention to use anything in the way of my experience (and associated "wisdom") to help others feel welcome. Ironically for me to welcome others, I must negotiate my own fears of rejection.
I am blessed to have two hands and a relative ambidexterity .... may I continue, to learn how I may best, reach out with either, to join more hands in union.
R. O'Neill (November 20, 2018)
No comments:
Post a Comment