What I believe to be the transparent nature of my writing with regard to laying bare various aspects of my experience and "life's story" (which of course is still being written) is what I hope others will be inspired by to search within themselves; to seek, to stretch, to dream and to reach and realize their visions. I haven't always been one to learn from the "mistakes" of others and there is nothing I can do now about the mistakes I've made; however, if others could avoid some of the pitfalls I inhabited how could it matter if I am cast as the buffoon - it will have served a greater good.
One of my visions was (and is) to be a writer. I believe in hindsight I have been "training" for this vocation most of my life, without even realizing it; primarily through reading. Even when my life in so many ways, was the proverbial train wreck, I continued to read. For the most part I read non-fiction. In particular I read books on psychology, philosophy, spirituality, human development, wellness. Not exactly "light reading" but regardless, I couldn't get enough.
In part I suppose I was looking for answers to the quandary of my own life. Beyond that, I truly sought to understand the "human condition" to try and and conceive of a way to address the suffering I witnessed all around me. I secretly fancied myself to humanities, some sort of "crash test dummy" and surly, if I survived the rack and ruin of some of the chapters of my life, I could help guide others.
At the age of twenty I entered training in nursing it was to be the beginning of my recognition in the incongruence of "what I knew" and how I lived. When I first started my "health care" path I was smoking cigarettes (amongst other things). Something clearly and unequivocally told me - you can't be a "role model" of health and still be smoking! That was it then, I quit. It was as simple as that. Of course it was to be another seven or eight years before some of my other "vices" were surrendered - which is what it took for me to admit I was no longer in control (if I ever was); but that's another story.
There has been considerable water under the bridge since then. I worked pretty much full time in "health care" for twenty-nine years. Throughout those years the work, the patients and those in and around the "system,"continued to mirror for me, the incongruence of "what I knew" and how I lived. I felt compelled to "walk my talk" and "be the change" (even before I'd heard the phrase). I knew all too well that intellectual knowledge in and of itself, was useless.
I have read hundreds of books and have been inspired by the accounts of expanded consciousness and possibility. I have conducted the experiments - reaped the benefits and other times crashed and burned. I want to have my life serve and benefit others. I want to write and want to inspire - more accurately, I want the creative intelligent source of all that it is (call it what you will) to inspire through me.
I still maintain, that I will not sit and suggest to anyone else they go after their dreams, unless I am doing just that in my own life. The ground work began years ago, when my long term marriage ended, eight years ago - I left my long standing career and began "pushing the envelope" in every conceivable direction. I have taken both singing/playing guitar and writing, from the obscurity of my front room and hard drive respectively, and pushed them out into more "public domain." The former generates an income of sorts, the latter is still carving a path through the wilderness.
I have needed to find it within myself to establish and pursue my dreams. Of course I'm "no island" but if my experience is anything to go by, one can't expect a squad of cheerleaders continually urging you on. It certainly isn't straight forward and I have considered quitting many times. "Quit" what does that mean anyway? Quit writing? Quit singing? Quit eating? Quit breathing? What would it resolve? Nothing! It's not an option!
Of course I have quit at certain points in time and I have the experience of the corresponding consequences. Some of the things I've "tried" were for the express purpose of providing me with experiences to clarify what I didn't want; which pushes one toward more clarity of what is wanted.
I certainly will never be able to tell anyone that following your heart and passions is a "cake walk" and once you decide to do so, your road will be paved with lollipops and rainbows. What I want to be able to demonstrate is that it is worth it. For me failure on the road of my dreams is still preferable to not going for it.
Within the dreams I've already stated, the latest vision I have declared is to be in Belfast, Ireland this September 2016. Northern Ireland represents ancestral ties, culture, spirituality and history that are mine, but that I have for the most part, I've been alienated from.
I don't know if getting there is the beginning or the end; could be that it is both, though of what, I really don't know. Again I can't really expect any fanfare over my decision to go, my arrival there or anything that I go through in order to get there. I know that decision is working on me as I'm sure all other aspects of the journey will as well. It is four months away - but it has begun.
I can't live small and advocate dreaming big, for others.
I know resignation! I know stagnation! I know desperation! I know frustration!
My intention is that I will know and define myself as so much more than these and then I will mirror it to anyone who cares to see it in themselves!
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