I hold in my hand as I begin to write this instalment, a haggard looking pocket size piece of parchment paper; on which is embossed, a passage entitled "A Simple Prayer." At a glance it resembles a "document" of antiquity - except for the fact that it has been laminated. Just the same it traveled with a friend on a trip abroad. I felt "inspired" to give it to her on that occasion, and after a period of absence, (at least in the case of this "physical"copy) it came back to me. The further "aging process"came about after gratefully receiving it; I then put it through the wash, in the pocket a pair of pants. The lamination prevented its utter destruction (unless of course, unknown powers prevailed in it's preservation). Some water seeped between the plies and brought about some interesting pigmentation transformation and watermark imagery.
The "Prayer of St. Francis," in it's entirety, is preserved and completely legible.
I came to be more familiar with this prayer twenty-nine year ago through some of the literature of Alcoholics Anonymous ("The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions" a.k.a. 12x12) It was cited as an example of a prayer and in particular; referred to as an example, that could be considered for those that were less well versed, with the use of prayer. I had been coached when young, in the recitation of the "Now I lay me down to sleep......" prayer - in hindsight that did nothing to in still peace for me. Quite the opposite, the idea of "if I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take." Who conceived that would be a settling ritual, before bedtime? DIE! - TAKING MY SOUL?!! I had no idea what a "soul" was - but the whole thing smacked to me of "Invasion of the Body Snatcher's."
I have come to realize that "spiritual maturation" may look like many things to many people. One of the untold number of elements that I have experienced, is reckoning with beliefs and impressions about such things as "prayers" "God" etc. (that in itself is a significant kettle of fish) that were instilled in childhood. Why? Because one can discover, though an adult, these childhood influences were "powerful" and have some staying power. As it (prayer) can represent a life long journey, a person can jump in from wherever they are. From there - someone might be able to tell you what "finished" would look like, but that someone, wouldn't be me.
Prior to this reintroduction to the idea, of a life that includes prayer; I certainly had experience with "bargaining" (i.e. if you get me out of this current jackpot I will..........) if one holds true "God" knows your heart - then undoubtedly it would have been known, that there was a distinct lack of sincerity in my plea. I only really wanted to get my butt out of the sling - there was no true intention of "changing" my ways. (Until there was!)
In hindsight I realize that I sang (along) with my classmates, a version of this prayer in elementary school; where I was the only "Anglican" kid, in the Catholic class. I don't know that I got any solace from it at that time. Though come to think of it, I can't really say what contributed to my emotional/spiritual survival; so maybe it was a factor. For the most part I thought the "take-aways" from that period of my life were knowing firsthand, the impacts: of prejudice, exclusion, bullying, segregation, physical/emotional abuse. However, if it is true that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger - these years might have been a significant crucible.
The years that led to my walking through the doors of A.A. did begin to make me more malleable - but I surely wasn't ready to embrace a "prayer life" or "God" for that matter! (Until I was!) Prior to that, suffice to say I had some "serious bones to pick" with this God!!!
Despite that, the prayer and Francis by extension, began to work on me (or perhaps within me). Ever since then, no matter what I was doing or "going through" in my life; this prayer or "quotes" from Francis, or something connected to him or his life, would continually "appear" in my path.
This continues to hold true to this very day. If anything, what I allude and refer to here, is on the rise. I present this disclosure in absolute appreciation and the utmost humility I can muster; I attribute this "connection" in no small way, to saving my life. I also need to be very clear, I share these things to glorify the Creator. I know my fallibility only too well - there is no point in my attempting to inflate myself; truly, that would only serve to bolster my own self-delusion. That serves nothing and no one!
Every time I see someone in some stage of the ravages of addiction I am reminded "there but for the Grace of God, goes I." This compassion extends far beyond the "addict" themselves, to those in close relation to them; for these individuals there is reserved, their own unique version of hell, through which often, they don't choose the fleeting respite, of self-medication.
Why was I spared while others parish? I don't know and may never know! It's possible that it was to write this very blog post. Or the next one - or the next one. How would I know? Does it matter? I do my best to "suit up and show up," Maybe I smiled at someone, maybe I spoke with someone and prior they had decided that if someone doesn't acknowledge their humanity in the next twenty minutes - fuck it! (Bang!!) Things like that go down! God only knows what form "the difference" one might make, could look like. Every single person has the unique gifts and talents to make it so. Even in lives thought to have been "cut short," only the one/s touched, will know how that person impacted their life. Who says an impactful, life is a long life? Who get's to decide what is impactful? Who gets to say that regardless of what someone's life "looked like," that they didn't make a contribution?
I believe it could be likened to a kaleidoscope; the only thing I'm not sure of as I say that, is whether the imagery seen within the tube; changes infinitely, or if eventually the "patterns repeat?" Allowing for that, individuals are brought into relation for varying lengths of time, longevity of that relating isn't necessarily the be all to end all. There has been an "impact," and those same pieces of the mosaic will continue to form ongoing images/patterns (informed and influenced by those previous "connections") with some of the same, as well as different pieces, and on it goes. I hope the metaphor held up. There was an impression that occurred for me, that I'm not sure carried through in the articulation of it.
Back to Francis. I had decided to go overseas for the first time, five year ago. The whole time over there was a myriad of life changing experiences. A long series of events unfolded, that resulted in my having an opportunity to visit Assisi. Even before arriving there, the variety of "coincidences" that related to Francis (or Clare) of Assisi was uncanny. The first church that I explored and sought peace upon arriving in Split, Croatia (which was a few blocks from my hostel) and was chosen because once I dropped off my stuff; it was literally the first one I came across (turned out to be The Church of St. Francis). While in Assisi, my experiences there, were profound to say the least! I had found a book store there, that had dozens of books about Francis. Even exercising "restraint," I bought some that added significantly, to the weight of my pack. It was already "over-packed" as I had originally come to Ireland in April and was told to be prepared for some cold weather. The ongoing voyage (which was not strictly speaking part of my original itinerary) through the Balkans and ultimately into Italy, took me increasingly into summer and much warmer climates. As the pack became more burdensome - I was impressed upon by the "idea" - Did you learn nothing from the time you spent in Assisi and from Francis, you will come to know more of him, by carrying less about him, and letting go of unnecessary "baggage." I left all the books in a hostel room and "winter" clothes I left at train stations.
I arrived in Spoleto, Italy where I was to attend a yoga retreat, a few days early. I had no idea where I was going to stay and having arrived in other towns and walked considerable distance, to find accommodations, this time I took a cab and asked how far to the nearest modestly price hotel. Less than five minutes away, he pulls up in front of this hotel called the Hotel Clarici (Clare) the front desk employee that was literally like an angel - helping me get settled and oriented; her name was Francesca! Another women who "rescued" me one night, after I got separated from my group; gave me a ride back to our venue that night. I stayed in town a few more days after the retreat ended, she met with me at her pizzeria one afternoon. Another evening she invited me to dinner at her place with a bunch her friends and family. Her name - Francesca!
Naysayers and detractors are in no short supply. I realize full well, I am practically sending out embossed invitations when sharing stories such as this - but it doesn't actually matter. I'm clear, that there exists for me, some form of benevolent connection, that is not dependant on the belief of others.
The worn copy of "his" prayer I photocopied off a small memento from Assisi - it was a small wooden replica of a book. One side was a picture of Francis, the other side the prayer. I have since given that to a friend/brother/mentor. I was guided to put less importance in the object (even though I valued greatly, the content) as the prayer and inspiration of Francis, can and does live in my heart. Passing it on as I did is symbolic of the love I have for my friend and the appreciation I have for how my life has been impacted since knowing him.
Earlier today I was meeting a friend for coffee and while waiting I was reading a section from a book called "Lessons from the Life of St. Francis." I have been reading from that book sporadically for quite sometime. As is frequently the case, I have multiple books on the go at any given time.
After our coffee meeting, I had a conference call which I took at home and then went into town to do some errands. When I sat in a coffee shop to begin what is this very post, I discovered that I no longer had in my possession, the book I had been reading earlier today. I smiled and then chuckled to myself. One of my first thoughts was "how will I know how that book "turned out?" followed by: "perhaps it is time I started living, writing about & embodying the teachings of Francis myself, rather than reading someone else's interpretation. One thing I know for sure the mystics throughout history did not have "Russell's Books." It was apparent to me that no, I need not spend time and energy or even another moments thought, about that book, it's retrieval or replacement.
I am being gently guided through the process of learning to let go. At this time, it has nothing to do with the frequently associated fear or sadness of "loss." It's about the magnificence of an expanding freedom - now there's something to get excited about!
Despite the length of time this prayer has been in my life - I have never memorized it. I don't want it to become a conditioned, know it by rote verse, like some nursery rhyme. To me reading it each time, with fresh eyes and an open heart - I experience it newly every time. It is alive, it changes organically and meets me where I'm at - it asserts varying emphasis as required. I firmly believe that for me there is a lifetime of "personal development" right there with that "Simple Prayer." My "library" could likely shrink significantly.
Do I have a "Francis complex?" I think not. Francis lived what he interpreted and embodied to be a life, inspired by Jesus of Nazareth. Through his unique gifts, talents and expression; he made a powerful impact during his time, "revolutionary" in its own right. He continues to be a source of inspiration to this very day.
He didn't set out to become a "saint" in fact his early life was quite the opposite - in this we share a bond of commonality. He lived passionately his heart song and soul-directive; I find that compelling and inspirational.
Today I had a phone conversation with my former wife. The nature of the common cause we are currently involved in, isn't important. One of her reflections to me, was that of gratitude, for being "the voice of reason and clarity," in the process we are engaged in. She knows and acknowledges that I am not the same person she knew when we went our separate ways.
I know that I do not embody all the tenets of this "Simple Prayer" in all ways, at all times. But as Francis was inspired by the life of Jesus, I can be inspired by the life of Francis. Inch by inch I let the prayer work on me and then one day; a bona fide miracle is transmitted over the phone and is delivered to me, by an angel, in the guise of my "ex-wife."
Thank you God! Thank you Francis!
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