I fell off a rhythm that saw me writing and posting, for number of days in succession. The continuity, creativity and alignment with a personal passion, combined to generate a feeling of satisfaction. The number doesn't matter. I don't even have any assurance that the content matters.
I have a sense of what was going on when the well ran dry - I didn't feel "inspired" I doubted I had anything to say. I was distracted by a few different interactions I had with different people, whereby I wondered if in my want to be seen; hence communicating with candour and transparency, I had committed the heinous crime, of "too much information." I felt some shame and embarrassment.
To address the "inspiration" concern, I have decided to allow that which inspires me to be my word. Therefore if I say I am going to write daily (and I am) - that alone is a self-valuing catalyst. I don't know anything about what is possible with regard to receiving exhilarating directives; each and every morning, which results in my bounding to the keyboard. I can do something about honouring my word. As an inspiration source perhaps that won't produce the same heights of euphoria, but it occurs to me, that what it lacks in theatric melodrama; the fulfillment of my word, has it own associated rewards. What's not to be "inspired" by that?
So there it is - I will write daily. Whether I "feel like it" or not. Which segways nicely into the concerns regarding how my expression is "landing in the world." I cannot manage the responses of others without minimally, compromising myself; or, outright self abandonment. In truth the response of others is not mine to control. I have a responsibility to the altar of my own heart and soul and a general vision of "doing no harm." If my concern is weighted more on how I might be received, I am apt to "massage"my expression or fall silent. Neither serves a higher good.
I hold a vision of conveying a message of inspiration. What makes me think I know what that message would contain? I believe it safe to say if I write nothing my vision cannot be realized. Before I go any further, I need to come clean and say; I no longer considerate it accurate to call it, "my vision." In this, if giving my word to myself is not great enough inspiration; then surely the grace to be used in service of that which is far more than me, would provide ample motivation.
Concern for my image management can no longer be allowed to steer the ship. I fear being seen as a charlatan. That my failure to live up to directives I espouse, makes me a hypocrite. I fear being exposed as "illegitimate" without substance or credibility (perhaps the talisman of my not entirely "healed" adoption story) therefore I will be shamed, ridiculed and ostracized.
So what?
What does any of that matter?
If in order to "win" acclaim, legitimacy, readership, relationship or community; I must present as the product of neurotic perfection - to quote the childhood card game: "GO FISH!" Go somewhere else, talk to someone else, read something else!
I have failed innumerably! I fully expect to fail some more, before I'm through. The miracle for me in that, is I define failure differently now. I don't so much identify with it. I look at the occurrence of it more like: okay that sure as hell didn't work out the way I had imagined - I either have more information for another run at it, or space to direct my energy elsewhere. Either way I'm down but I'm not out and I don't have much appetite to stay down.
If you are looking for the epitome of the man with the "Midas touch" you won't find that in my story. I mean in the bigger picture the presence is there - of course I am not without victories. I have also snatched defeat from the glory of success, with staggering prowess!
I don't believe dwelling in despair or hopelessness serves much good. But neither do I believe that a presentation that suggests I don't host those feelings at times, serves anyone either.
I know that flavour of my own blood, sweat and tears - I neither advocate that as "the path" nor am I ashamed they are part and parcel of my experience.
Naturally in order to "begin again" one must "pick themselves up and brush themselves off" (or allow the support of a trusted friend to intervene). I don't offer myself as one that hasn't "fallen." I'm sitting at the present, my next fall could be as soon as my getting up from here - I don't know.
While continuing to spin in metaphors I offer this analogy: if it is the will of my Creator to serve as a guide/mentor/coach; then I will do so, not on the basis of what I know - there will be no guaranteeing that I can outline for anyone, "how to avoid falling or being knocked down to the dirt."
My "card" might read: what ever your dream - it's worth a try.
My credentials you say: As you may have heard any endeavour might result in reoccurring "dining on dirt"
I have simply now, developed an "acquired taste" for dirt, so it no longer presents as an impediment!
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