As "Father's day approaches this weekend I ponder the conundrum of "My Two Fathers." No that is not a title for a 21st century response to the sixties T.V. series "My Three Sons" - but I suppose it could be. Certainly at this point in history, there are far more "extended families."
What I refer to is the two fathers that figure in my existence. One that is part of my ancestral lineage and the biological contributor and the other that was more involved in my biography. One that was in my presence throughout my life (until 11/2 years ago when he passed) the other that was present through his absence (I couldn't say if he still walks planet earth or not). What they shared in common was I really didn't know either man. Obviously I could tell you more of the father that was physically present; though perhaps surprisingly, not that much really.
The reverse is also true, neither of these men really knew me either. That's not unique to my "family of origin" - I've heard many men and women share their sadness around this lack of knowing and connection with one of the more pivotal figures in their lives.
There isn't as much "stir" or commercial impetus around "Father's Day" as there is for "Mother's Day;" I reckon part of a sad reflection of our society that doesn't pay much attention to the presence of the Father, but certainly can prattle on regarding absence or shortcomings.
Only the most naive would think it not a super-human under-taking to be a parent. The "days" to commemorate these people most likely stem from the Hebrew Bible (Old Testament) that "commands" one, "honour thy mother and father." Even though the large swaths of a secular society renounce the place for religiosity in their lives, they're still quick to uphold some of it's many tenets.
The problem with these highly commercialized days is that there is a huge social pressure to participate (along with a set of suppositions that everyone has the "Hallmark" - "Ozzie and Harriet" relationship with their parents all the year through). To not embrace the day and the sentiments expressed therein is to seen as being "ungrateful." No quicker path to disappointment than going into one of these occasions with expectations of joyful connection (or any connection) when that's not the "family" dynamic.
What can I say? I'm alive, so I can't really say my father didn't prepare me for life. Especially now he's not even here, so most certainly (though true previously) whatever I make of my life, is on me now.
The social agreements around the "sacred cow" of parenthood (which I would say is biased with it being a graver transgression to speak ill of the mother - society is only too willing to malign the father/masculinity etc). make it challenging for people to process the truth of their relationships with their parents. Even when entering into a "therapeutic" relationship (counselling, healers etc.) the "client" can minimize, dismiss, protect these parents; because part of their "personality" has internalized a deep shame/guilt/fear of betraying "mom and dad."
Certainly it is what it is, at this point for me. However, if I was allowed to state a preference, I would have appreciated some useful skills to take into life (something - fishing, carpentry, blacksmith, maybe a sense that who I am, is actually okay) rather than a legacy of baggage to unpack.
I'm realizing that I have undertaken a "spiritual by-pass" of sorts where both parents are concerned (all four for that matter). I was in a big hurry to get to "I accept them for who they were" and "they did the best they could - with what they had" after all, "it could have been so much worse." (all the P.C. bullshit that is particularly fashionable in "spiritual circles.") and yes it would be good to get to that place of peace, personal responsibility, and acceptance. Come "hell, tide or high water - I will get there!
But first, there is much that some parts of me need to say - much of what went down in that house of ours, just wasn't okay in any way, shape or form! They did not "do the best they could," they had free will choice to deal with their shit and they did not. They chose instead to project their garbage all over myself (of course there was a sister in that home as well - but she can speak for herself). Maybe they were unable (between the two of them) to conceive children because they were vastly ill-equipped to actually be parents. I needed to be loved and cherished - appreciated, encouraged, supported; so that I could self-assuredly step into the world. Instead I was criticized, humiliated, shamed, physically abused, made to believe I was responsible for their short-comings and ultimately for their lives.
Yes for my part I "took all this on" I have been "dependent" where I might have been independent. I was never held hostage so if it wasn't "possible" to have left when I was younger - I certainly could have severed the relationship once I reached "adulthood." My ability to relate in the world were formed in that dynamic and much of it hasn't yielded me a stellar ride. I most certainly hold that all that is within me can be healed, transformed and transcended.
For that to occur I must (and have at least in part here) given voice to that which "Hallmark" doesn't articulate (and many others one might encounter over this weekend, won't encourage, support or hold space for.
As I fully prepare to step into the role of "self-parenting" this represents the unconditional loving father, I need to be, for myself.
I suppose in a very convoluted sort of way, my Father's have had a hand in my getting to this place. I hereby give you both, that which is yours to deal with, wherever you are, in your own soul's journey. I in turn, will attend to what is mine.
I will continue on the path of forgiveness toward you and toward myself - not for your benefit but because it is the loving act that I need for myself, to continue to find inner peace.
With that vision in mind and heart - I will say "Happy Father's Day!"
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