Matthew Chapter 7 - verse 7
I emphasized a part of this scripture, as something I read recently drew my attention to the idea while posing for me an intriguing question:
(Which went essentially like this)
Are you "seeking"with such fervour and single-pointedness, that you are forgetting to find? (or acknowledge what you have found, or remember the point of seeking was to find - and then live from that embodied knowing).
The question struck me, in that I would prefer that this "direct hit" didn't pertain to me, however, I know there's something in this for me therefore a deeper consideration is warranted ...... Hmm
("Hmm" perhaps a little bit like "Ohm" - though I couldn't tell you just what frequency it is vibrating at!)
If you have read any of my posts you know that "Hmm" though such a quick short symbolism, by the time it pours through my fingers, it has most certainly expanded.
As I pondered the question I was reminded of a period of time when I was training in Martial Arts. I had trained steady for five years (anywhere from 3-5 times per week). I progressed through the various levels and had achieved a "black belt." Even before that, as I was attaining some of the higher level proficiencies - the head instructor was "encouraging" me to start leading some classes. My blood ran cold! The self talk through my progression was, even though I was "advancing" in skills etc. I'm not ready to teach others!
What was being illuminated for me was some part of my ego that was a little bit like one of Groucho Marx's quotes: "I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members." Of course Marx was lauded for his comic genius and lines like this were well received. As there is a thin line between that which is presented in "comedy" as humorous and that which is deeply painful - the context that I associated myself with this statement, was telling.
My instructor had a helpful perspective that perhaps didn't entirely heal the mistaken beliefs and what lay beneath, but it did move me forward. He said that the reason I was so much more aware of the "short comings"of my technique was that actually, it's a sign, that rather than the initial struggle with the gross movements and through repetition; (much) a process of refinement (which is ongoing) enabled me to be more aware, of where on a more "micro" level, the various techniques could be polished. None of this "sensitivity" was cause to delay moving into a teaching role. The observing, demonstrating and breaking down techniques, for new students, would further develop my abilities.
This encouragement (and sound reasoning) led to my stepping into a senior student/assistant instructor role. Away from the dojo - I'm sure this "apprenticeship" serves and informs other areas of my life.
I have also heard it said that which I most need to learn and refine, I should teach.
When I came across the "question" I introduced here it was not by accident. It was for me a "very pointed question."
A couple different considerations occur to me. Is there still some "Groucho Marx" in operation at some level in my "self assessment/esteem?" Am I avoiding standing in and sharing what I have found - while I continue in the relative safety of the seeking?" At any level are there illusions of the need for perfection to be attained, before I will allow myself to begin to teach?
Today I received via email, a newsletter from a retreat/workshop venue and I saw listed in the up-coming offerings; that a women I know was to be one of the facilitators. I was excited to see her "putting it out there." It was both inspiring and left me wondering how that is going to look for me.
I participated in a writing based circle with her quite sometime ago - it is really great to witness this (even though peripherally and from an entirely different geographical location). At the same time I felt "the nudge."
All beautifully timed - not an exercise in self-criticism! A time for me to consider the questions I posed here. When will it happen? When will the time be right? It will be at the exact moment I say so and then begin to move in that direction.
In the meantime I share what I find (experience) through the platform of this blog. Does that make a difference in anyone else's life?
I don't know.
Would I stop if someone were to tell me, it's of no benefit?
No!
I retract my previous answer - I know full well a life that is impacted by my doing this, mine!
Which merits my continued allowance!
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