Tuesday, 18 February 2014

HIde & Seek

"You can run but you can't hide!"
If you follow my blog at all (or even if this is a first time read) you will know (or soon come to know) that I am given to introspection. At times it's possible I have come close to pondering myself into a coma. Certainly I am familiar with the "paralysis of analysis" and while many "spiritual" perspectives include the value (and frequent absence of) a focus on "being" in favour of a constant emphasis on "doing,"I have come to realize that I can take just such a viewpoint and with a little twist here and a masterful bit of intellectual slight of hand there, turn it into a convincing story with which to disguise my procrastination (well..... clearly I have been able to convince myself of it's validity - perhaps others would not be so easily deceived).

It is neither my intention to admonish myself for the discovery of these behaviours (or those that find them for themselves) it is however relevant to the quote I began this post with (just in case you thought it was some random idea I forgot to delete). For the past nearly three months I have been away from "home" - a full immersion as it were, in an idea that continues to play on my consciousness ("leave everything you know behind"- a line from one of David Whyte's poems which I heard for the first time two or three years ago). Of course that could be interpreted to mean leave behind all your old ideas, negative belief systems, mistaken beliefs and assumptions, in which case you wouldn't need to change your geographical location or for that matter, the circumstances of your life. However it seems to me if one so entirely let go of such paradigms their life would indeed change - radically. Still this line of poetry weaves in and out of my awareness (in some fashion I might say it haunts me) as I consider the meaning and ramifications for myself and my life.

So here I am in an unfamiliar part of the country (where they actually have winter weather) - I mean just the other day on a beautiful nature hike we came across two snow shelters someone had built in the woods (igloos of sorts) even I who knows full well the falsity of the various myths & stereotypes of life in Canada had to do a double take - "Holy shit! igloos? Away from all people, places and things customary & I'm beginning to think: I believe I have met the requirements of Whyte's "suggestion" (everything I know has indeed been left behind). Frankly in some moments the impact of that completely freaked me out!

Then the truth of the opening quote revisits me - here I am most certainly living and experiencing and expanding and reaching some of the time, in other moments there is something (or more to the point someone that is very familiar) none other than moi.

Now, I didn't come here to hide (which is a good thing because I'm here to tell you if I had, it absolutely isn't working!) I'm anything but hidden - on the contrary in my full splendor (warts and all) I am visible (transparent in fact) certainly to myself. So as it turns out more, much more than I anticipated, is being reflected here upon this stage of winter's majesty. Unlike the landscape which can be hidden and rendered (temporarily) altered beneath the ice and snow,  all (or certainly plenty) of what there is to see of myself has not been afforded the same camoflauge.

The example then of the procrastination, is just one of the many gifts that have come my way through this journey via deepening awareness. Awareness I might add, is a quality I have actively sought to develop (perhaps more truthfully, I sought answers & that was one of them). I didn't get at the time, it would be an ongoing process - I'm clear now that is the case (just not always tickled pink about it).

So then this call to action is not only being made more immediately pressing by current realities and a need to sooner than later address them, it is also in no small part a response to a very long and intense period of deep introspection (which in and of itself has brought healing, change and more awareness). Still nothing that has been gained through that lengthy and all consuming pursuit can really be said to have been purposeful until it is brought through and shared with the world in some form of inspired ACTION. In order to do this my talents must continue to be honed, my experience focused and shared with those that could most benefit from it. I must continue to seek awareness and a willingness to show up as the best possible version of myself that I can and above all else I must recognize that there is no one "out there" that stands in the way of my doing that - the "enemy" lies within (and even that isn't accurate) - without question there are qualities (ways of being) that interfere with me realizing fully my outstanding potential. As I continue to seek to discover what these are - it is vitally important to grow in my capacity to have empathy and compassion for myself. To assess myself in a non-judgmental way - in other words embrace self in the energies of forgiveness and unconditional love. To treat any part of one self as the "enemy" is self-defeating. Jesus was quoted as saying "love thy enemy" - what then, if an interpretation of what he meant was - rather than beating yourself up when you make an error or when you uncover a long-standing pattern that no longer serves - give yourself an abundance of love. Isn't that a container more conducive to learning, growing and changing? "Love thy neighbor as THYSELF" (seems to imply love of self must come first).

As I mentioned these are not by far the only awakenings I've had while here - I have for quite sometime been aware of the idea of others in our lives as mirrors (and what that might mean with respect to self-knowledge). One of the many contrasts is the amount of time I have spent in the company of others when I am accustomed to far more solitude. Though I "know better" I might have initially thought in terms of the challenges of being around others (which I suppose on some levels could be true) - more glaring though, is my continued need to growing in my capacity to know what I need, take full responsibility for those needs (including communicating them) and let go of the illusion that there is an enemy.