Wednesday, 15 August 2018

I Was Going to be Immortal (then decided... Fuck it!!)

I have a long standing personal mandate that my writing authentically reflect my life as I'm experiencing it (not how I might prefer to have it represented). The last post made mention of some new directions I was either about to embark on, or that were standing, in the on deck circle.

The most recent was to be a "Beginner's" Water colour class (which began on Monday and runs until this Friday). I withdrew after the first class. I won't lay claim to setting my life on fire and achieving some renaissance man status; until I can clearly demonstrate the ass burned out of my jeans and/or I achieve any legitimate depth or relevance.

I did mention, allowing myself any or all of these "experiences," would be telling in terms of self awareness. Before self awareness is of any benefit, it tastes like shit! It's been quite some time since I've sat in a "classroom" scenario; but it took next to no time, before the instructor's voice transformed into Charlie Brown's teacher .... and it "Wha ... wha .. wha'd ... me into oblivion!

I couldn't keep up (I being a bona fide "beginner" was by far in the minority) - the participant intro, revealed many who had attended 4, 5 or 6 other classes before doing this one.

That aside ... before I become too ensconced in "reasons" outside myself. I truly couldn't listen to what this instructor was saying..... "you take the primary colour, into which you introduce a small amount of a second primary colour, to produce the tertiary colour of ??????? and where will that reside on our colour wheel? and enact said mixing of paint and apply it to paper.... It's either listen or do... I can't do both... and while we're at it ... show me and then I'll do it.....

So primarily I was frustrated..... which blended with my impatience, to produce the tertiary feelings of shame, embarrassment, and believe it or not, hopelessness (yes.. before you go back, to see if you missed something, this was just a feckin' art class.

The whole thing reminded me in part, of those damn word problems in math class ..... "if I train leaves Boston travelling at 60 mile per hr............ Rob's attention goes out the window, at 120 mile per hr.

The clincher was when my "colour wheel" was thoroughly pooched and I was a number of colours "behind" the rest of the class ....  the instructor came along a took the "mixing brush" out of my hand, slopped some paints into the palette wells, mixed it up and smeared some different colours on my wheel (which frankly looked like shit) ... "there now your wheel is coming along"...

Not only was this entirely useless to me in terms of be instructional (I had no idea how she arrived at what she did)

But it was just like what my father would do when I was a young boy ...... (in essence I formed the belief I can't do this right .... and was never "allowed" to build my own experience and learning process... eventually - I'd just began saying a blanket, "Fuck it!!!!" One might say, "you should be over that by now!!!" Well guess what, I'm not! (might well be some valuable information there) so to those that say such things, fuck you and the horse you road into town on!!

What I wanted to do was gut her .... what I did, was say thank you. (I have a very special form of contempt for myself, when I do something like that)......

Maybe when all was said and done..... I just said Fuck it, again! I would have withdrawn that afternoon but the registration line was closed by the time I got home.

The time to sleep on it, didn't make me any more keen to go back the next day... so I followed through with the withdrawal process. The upside of that is, maybe I could learn this stuff in a different environment ... I didn't enjoy myself at all the first day, so I see it as a positive, that I didn't drag myself there for 4 more days of it.

It's also entirely possible I like the "idea" of being artistic .... I'm not sure I have any passion for it (lately I'm not sure I have any passion for anything) ... there certainly isn't any evidence of any talent (potential or otherwise).

I feel in integrity both sidelining this activity and giving an honest account of it. Hey, it was only one particular class, as presented by one particular instructor... who knows ... I have all the shit I bought from the art store, maybe I'll mess around on my own and see what I come up with. God knows I'm not always much enthused, about embracing "rules."

I suppose you could say instead of my being the "Artful Dodger," in this episode of as "O'Neill" turns, I dodged the art.

I would love to write post after post, outpouring my delirious successes - but frankly the only way I have any chance of healing my heart and soul of what remains of the spectres of shame from my past; is to stand fully in, sometimes my visions of grandeur, yield me an abysmal pratfall.

Sometimes you just gotta say... ah what the fuck... and then just put on some Sinatra and belt out ..."Regrets I've had a few.. but then again to few to mention....!!"

R. O'Neill (Aug. 15, 2018)

Sunday, 12 August 2018

Let the Games Begin

By no stretch of the imagination am I done with writing. More accurately I'm quite sure writing is not done with me. Just the same, I'm aiming to expand my horizons, with respect to different mediums, to express myself. I already play some guitar I know a few handfuls of chords, a little finger picking technique and with these rudiments, I hope to vie the pretty much uncharted (for me) realms of the electric guitar... I got a good deal on the one pictured here (a Mexican made Fender Telecaster) surely the colour will lend well to virtuosity! I haven't started yet ... I will likely utilize some teaching videos on YouTube, maybe some lessons and fiddle on my own. If this doesn't whet my musical appetite then I also have a ukulele and harmonica that I aspire to play as well.

Tomorrow I kick off a 5 day (2.5hrs./day) "Beginner's Water Colour Course" I see now where the stereotype of the "starving artist" was spawned from; by the time you pay for your art supplies, there's no money left for groceries.

Earlier this year I traded in some photography equipment that I got hold of when clearing out my parents house after they passed. I am now very well "equipped" and very sparsely practiced (with the exception of pictures taken with my phone). I hope to gain more usable knowledge of all this gear through a fall program Beginner's photography class. The community college offers a very good 10 session course that I'm sure will give me some good fundamentals so that I can then get out and practice and get some value out of this equipment. I believe I have the eye for it .... just need to get through the learning curve of the more sophisticated technology. (learning curves not being historically my "sweet spot.")

If you're of a mind that I'm fixing to bite off more than I can chew, you may well be right. However, these are all things I've always wanted to take on and my disposition is such, that I enjoy a broad spectrum of stimulation. Time will tell what the balance point is with regard to, time to practice and become more proficient, with these various pursuits and what represents too much.

There will be far more than the innate challenges of any and all, of these various art forms that will confront me. I'm aware of a history of high expectations, ("perfectionism") that also spawns self-criticism. Couple this with impatience and a lack of understanding and compassion for my beginner status and it's not hard to see, how I have in the past, created inner turmoil for myself; instead of enjoying the learning process. I also would be very well served, if I can just enjoy my interests and passions, without concern for whether I'll ever be good enough, to be paid to do them, or that during the time I'm spending with them, I "should be working."

So I'm setting the intention to go easy on myself. That might take the form of lessening the volume of new pursuits, we'll see. Barring that, at least I can keep my expectations reasonable and give myself credit for being willing to make new beginnings. I want to give it all a fair shake. None of these art forms is an inexpensive pursuit, however, the potential for personal growth and expansion is virtually priceless. While I'm at it I will be learning new skills, which I see eventually could be combined in some form of "mixed media" projects. Of course depending on the form of instruction I seek, there will be opportunity to meet new people as well, and to share and learn from their experiences.

As the saying goes, "the road to hell was paved with good intentions," so all in all, I do expect this/these journeys will be a fine continued development of mindfulness and self-awareness.  I will do my best to kindle grace and ease along the way. The under-taking of them is with loving intent;  so I hope, should the love be found to dwindle or be missing altogether as this unfolds, at the very least, I can hit the reset and begin again newly. 

Great Spirit I invite and evoke the energy of play - help me to find it within myself. Help me to tear down the walls in all shapes and forms, that come between me and Creativity. I ask to connect to and become a channel of, the creative flow - which is to say please show me and release me from, all within me, that stands in the way, of my connection to you!

Let it be done!! 


R. O'Neill (Aug. 12, 2018)

Saturday, 11 August 2018

Indirect Directions

I suppose where "spiritual" matters are concerned, faith might appear high on the list of integral practices (states of mind/heart). For those convinced that "seeing is believing," I offer for consideration that if you indulge in modern day conveniences such as satellite radio, television, wifi, microwaves, electricity, etc. you are placing a great deal of faith in the unseen. For many, it would represent conveyances that they couldn't begin to explain the operation of, but just the same, a great deal of reliance is placed upon them. This continues to be true even though at many points in time, there is no awareness that they are even present and "working;" yet indeed, they are in operation all day, every day.

Having said this, for me, I love an example of "Spirit working" - or the following of a "hunch" and then experiencing the wonder of seeing it unfolding, in ways I couldn't have imagined. Now I'm not suggesting putting "God," or the "universe" to the test, demanding demonstration. Some say of the power of the unseen: "Believe it and then you'll see it.." Obviously this turn of the phrase, implies a willingness to put aside my doubts or fears, & as they say, "act as if!"

Just such an occurrence was gifted to me over this past few days. If you've been following my facebook posts you'd see I was on a little road trip/get-a-way up island. I had put half a dozen of my books in the boot, "in case" I happened across any book stores, that would be potential venues.

I had between two shops, already had five of the books spoken for which of course left one. While walking around the downtown of one of the towns we discovered two additional shops that might have been a match for my book - both of which were closed for the day.  On our way to a late lunch I said of the two, I want to go to this one in particular first. If I'm left with no book afterward, I can always talk up the book with the second shop, and if they were interested, get some to them later.

I just had a "sense" about the first of the two shops. The following day we had packed the car and vacated our Air B&B refuge; so we ventured into town, before heading toward home. We went to the shop and the moment I set foot in the door, I knew I liked the energy. The owner greeted us warmly and after the exchange of a few pleasantries and refections on the smoking hot temperatures of late; I began to tell her about my book. She was most interested. When it got to asking how many she would like to stock, she indicates she would take six! While she was outlining her policy regarding shop/author split - she presented the very best I have experienced so far!

When I explained that I had no more books along with me, but was more than willing to ship them to her or make another trip up island; she asked, "where in Victoria do you live?" When I mentioned the area of town, she laughed, her daughter works at a restaurant a block from where I live. She said, "to save you the expense of postage etc., just bring the books to her, she is coming up her in a couple days anyway."

As far as I'm concerned this is nothing I could orchestrate. There is a need for me to participate with some level of receptiveness and a willingness to follow through on the "guidance."

For those of you that have been aware of the completion and launch of my book about a year ago and have long since returned to the concerns of your life and have relegated my book and work I aspire to develop around it, to yesterday's news; certainly your life is where your attention is best placed, but the need for me to promote the book and myself is as ever present as it ever was. You can get bored with me and my book - I cannot. Your boredom is none of my concern. I deeply appreciate the support I have received from those that got behind me and my book. It would be great if the same people continued to "promote" my endeavours, I don't believe for a minute that most would or will. That leaves the onus on me. I'm of a mind that if people have forgot the book and my visions, I'm not getting the word out enough. If the same cross-section of people consider the novelty has worn off the idea that I've a book available (as well as over thirty years of spiritual/healing life experience) then I've got to reach new segments of the populations.

It's synchronicity like mentioned here previously that reminds me I'm not "in this alone," and that I need to continue with the footwork here on my side of the net.

I gave both the shop owner and her daughter (once I met her) a copy of my book. I am of multiple minds where this is concerned. I definitely believe that book needs to be put in as many hands as possible. I also believe as the title reads: "What Goes Around Comes Around."

R. O'Neill (Aug. 11, 2018)

Thursday, 9 August 2018

Coming Home

Something occurred to me today while walking. It came in such a fashion that I would call it; insight, guidance, an "aha moment." Part of how I define those sorts of "downloads" is that I wasn't thinking about anything even remotely related to it, and suddenly there it was! And unlike other "inspirations," I sometimes have and "intend" to write about later - this one stuck with me all day (rather than vanishing from my awareness).

I still only have the basic premise to roll with and have no idea where it will lead. Let's find out shall we. The idea that came to me while walking, pertained to children.

This small moment of illumination had to do with why it is (in part), that children are seen as so "cute." I mean of course, pretty much everyone that is a parent, believes their child is extraordinary (and they are). But what also comes into play, (at least for me it does) perhaps because I never was a parent; is the same mechanism whereby one projects their unconscious and unhealed energy upon others outside themselves, is drawn to the freedom of expression, the innocence, the imagination, the out-pouring of love of the young child. All or parts of which, were squashed in themselves as children.

Just to be clear, when I say "drawn" to the child, I don't mean in any other way than (if I'm talking about myself) as someone that is endeavouring to connect more consistently with those parts of myself, that were repressed and emotionally (sometimes physically) beaten into submission - I am then able to recognize them as expressed by children.

My "spiritual" growth and healing path has led me (to some degree again) to focus on contacting, establishing a connection, expression, nurturing, loving and forgiving my inner child. To become a loving parent to this child (as an adult) replacing the existing critical and sometimes abusive inner parent and to more consistently, meet all the needs that were neglected of this child, when I was a child.

If you consider the idea of "inner child" some sort of "New Age" horse hockey, then if you haven't already dismissed this post, you might as well at this point. I'm not trying to sell this idea to anyone, I'm writing about my experience and what is relevant to me. I always hope my writing touches others but I certainly won't massage what is being expressed, to cater to a particularly audience. Take it or leave it - that's the readers choice.

There does exist a biblical reference (not that I insist that is the be all to end all)....

Matthew 18:3 - "Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

I happen to believe Jesus was speaking of the condition of "heaven on earth" (elsewhere he spoke of, the kingdom being "within").

 I'm submitting, this "inner child" is the door to and the expression of, this "inner heavenly state." This is where the connection to Spirit occurs, the source of imagination, creativity, unconditional love, joy, curiosity and enthusiasm are sourced and expressed from.

When I repressed and cut myself off, from the painful feelings, in effect I severed my connection to all of it. It is my experience, that one cannot selectively "numb out." If I go out of my way to disassociate from my painful past (and I did); I effectively cut myself off, from any relationship with my inner child. I can't feel the "good" or the "bad" feelings. Can't feel a damn thing.  Being cut off from this "inner child," abandoning and ignoring it's needs - is unquestionably "hell," I know, I've been there.

I'm not now going to say, that the recognition of this, thrusts me into ever-lasting Shang-ri-la. However, it does empower one to do something about being more in alignment with themselves more consistently.

I'm certainly not insisting that anyone do as I do. While at the same time, it doesn't matter whether anyone else holds true any of what I've outlined here. This is my journey - hell to me is created from within - so I need to find out what works for me regarding attaining inner peace. From my earliest writing I have been sharing authentically my experience. In doing so I hope to more often than not, strike chords of recognition, as different elements of the human condition are articulated.  I'm of a mind that the human part of our existence, is fairly finite, in other words we're all not that different. Still we all tend to experience (even the same thing) differently. As such what I write won't always be meaningful to everyone. 

I don't have all the answers, but I continually generate a myriad of questions and I've been asking them for a very long time now. Sooner or later this has to bring about some answers.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."  Matthew 7:7

R. O'Neill (August 09, 2018)

Thursday, 26 July 2018

Picture This!

The way I understand it, St. Francis received the "stigmata" rather spontaneously. That which appears, impressed upon my flesh, come more intermittently. The photo above depicts the latest manifestation, which presented yesterday (line work and some shading completed). The lower picture places it in context with that which proceeded it.

If I needed a rationalization I would say this addition to "a work in progress" represents a self-loving birthday gift. The fateful day is more than one month away, however; logistics, schedules, healing time etc. suggest the employing of some premeditated spontaneity.

It's not a "milestone" birthday; at least not in the context of what many consider as such. Given I'm not inclined to care how anyone else does it; if I say it's a milestone ... it's a milestone.

Frankly, though I cease to relate to myself as my history, the fact remains given that journey, everyday above the grass, is a fricken' milestone!

This year (assuming I'm there to realize it) marks 59 years (I was born in '59). Without being able to articulate much about why I presume that to be significant - I just intuit that it is. So I declare it as such and perhaps someone, somewhere along the line, might offer some insight into why that is.

In the meantime, it's my party and I'll grace my body any way I see fit!

Speaking of fit, that is something I've decided to frame into somewhat of a personal make-over, fitness challenge, let's try and hedge my bet that I might see 60, "Rob my temple has fallen into disrepair - I want you to rebuild it." 

I had already started a new walking regime (some 8 days prior to this post) so that, plus the days remaining until my birthday, will give me my favoured (40 day +) time frame to "get 'er done!"

The walking will step things up for sure. I started with a program that required a base line of 6900 steps in order to make the day's goal.. it has since been raised to 9600 steps (the program incrementally introduces the increases - that wasn't my doing). So I have an 8 day "streak" (nine counting today, which has already been achieved) of reaching the targeted number of steps. I have in fact well exceeded the target most days. (which will likely rebound and result in my minimum be raised considerably again). But I know from my "personal trainer" days; gains don't happen once one becomes comfortable, at the previous plateau.... you have to push the envelope again. Given my love for reading and writing, as well as a passion for such things as meditation (all of which are the epitome of sedentary) it is vitally important that I move my ass.

My rekindled love of motorcycle riding requires a decent strength and endurance level. I want to continue to be able to enjoy long hikes. My continued casual employment working with people rehabilitating from injuries and surgeries (and some long term care residents) reminds me, I shouldn't take it for granted, that I can still tie my own shoes and clip my own toe nails. The latter demonstrating already, that "use it or lose it" is not just a empty platitude - that shit is real!!

I've heard countless people (charter members of the peanut gallery) exclaim - "tattoos, oh I would never deface my body - what are you going to do when you're older?"

First of all, some of those individuals, might consider that some artwork on their body, would be the least of their concerns. Secondly, if I get to older... then I'm going to enjoy each of those tattoos and the life stories they represent.... I'm going to celebrate one feck'in hell-uva ride; and I might just go out, and get another tattoo while I'm at it!!

R. O'Neill (July 26, 2018)

Wednesday, 25 July 2018

Self Care Prayer

If I'm to forgive
Seventy times 
May that
Take the shape
A prayer 
For willingness
To remember
I am
In the image
That which 
Created me

In human form

Above all 
It is 
The will
My Creator
That I
Become acquainted
 Love & Nurture

To Love God
Is to 
Love myself

To love myself
is to
Love God

My Creator
I release
Any and all
Arrogant self-criticism
For who 
Am I
To criticize
That which 
You created

Please grant me
And direction
Care for this
Your grace
Has bestowed
Upon me.


R. O'Neill (July 25, 2018)

Tuesday, 24 July 2018

Never Too Late

Forgive me
My old friend
I owe amends
That are some
Twelve years overdue

You stood 
As perhaps
The only example
Unconditional love
That I 
Will ever experience
In this lifetime
Or perhaps
The only 
Being allowed
Near my 
For a 
Very long time

You took up 
Far more
Than your
My bed?

When we 
The trails
I frequently
Had to apologize
For the picnics
You attended

You knew
You always knew
When it was 
Time to play
And when 
It was time
For soul-soothing

When the time
To say good-bye
I did 
What I had to do
It broke 
My heart
But I never 
Let on

It felt to me
Like the
Ultimate betrayal

I realize now
My greatest
Sin of omission
Was to 
Not tell you
While you 
Slipped away
I love you
And I will miss you

Perhaps now
Your legacy
Will be 
My allowing
My heart 
To love 

R. O'Neill (July 24, 2018)

Unapologetically Me

Having just yesterday finished sharing through my blog, my impressions of the Francis of Assisi Prayer and previous to that, the Desiderata; today I have decided, to go back to a more free flowing dialogue; in as much as, there is no "writing prompt" to start with.

Both of the previous focused series, were based on a couple of written pieces, that are significant to me. The prayer of "Saint" Francis has been around my life as an inspiration, benchmark & guidance on and off, for most of my life. As for the "Desiderata," I used to have a poster of that passage on my room as a teen; (though at that time, I was more creating the need for a spiritual path, than living one).

Most of my blog entries are derived through my personal life experience and sourced from what comes through in the moment I'm writing it.

I like many, spend some time on "social" media. I will intermittently post something that impressed upon me in some way at that moment. I don't feel inspired to regurgitate the work or views of others all the time. I am far more interested, in developing my own connection to the creative source of the universe and express that - my way.

I have read inspiring posts on facebook for example, but also spent time that was of very little value. I suppose I will dabble with it - until I don't. i've seldom had much trouble dropping something when it no longer serves me.

I don't want to follow anybody. Having said that, I can learn the rudiments of various paths, skills etc. but sooner or later, I'm going to want to make it my own. I didn't come here to ape someone else. I'm not looking to be a groupie or perpetual disciple.

Of course there are those, that are embodying and living a particular philosophy, or way of being in the world, very well. I can look to these examples as to what is possible. But then I need to make a decision, as to whether that is going to be how I carry myself in the world, and then perhaps develop that character (or bring it to the fore from a place of potential).

Beating the drum of what authors I've read and teachers I've studied with, to me, is nothing more than name-dropping.  It doesn't establish who I am in the world; that must be determined, by my actions.

Name dropping is a convention of the ego - attempting to make me look better through association. A concern for making any impression at all, indicates I'm sourcing my motivation errantly. I'm not saying, that one shouldn't make their livelihood though channeling their talents into service. But the agreed upon energy exchange is ample "recognition." While in the world of commerce etc. there is benefit to being a "reputable" craftsperson, I'm inclined to believe, one's character and integrity, will establish their reputation - there is no need for endless self-promotion.

I don't know if I'll ever write something that is profoundly meaningful or that impacts, inspires or changes the direction of anybodies life; but I will just keep right on writing. I will keep on seeking life experiences that yield teachings, lessons, hidden gifts - because that's what I do.

I'm not that interested in what other people are doing. Which is to say, I am curious to a degree, but I'm not interested in following the crowd. I don't know where the hell they are going, I'm not sure they do either. I'd rather take my chances doing what I want - I take no solace being somewhere I'd rather not be, just because there's company there.

Look around some city block of residential homes... maybe everyone there has the same lawnmower.  What's my issue with that? Well first of all they all have a lawnmower! Couldn't they share one? But the only person that benefits from that kind of "follow the leader," is the guy that owns the lawnmower factory. Society is constructed with layer upon layer, of actions taken, with no thought given as to why, and with no more reinforcement, than seeing someone else doing it.

I began sometime ago seeking more consciousness in my life. This came as a result of seeking so much unconsciousness it nearly killed me. I'm not trying to present my way as a paragon of virtue. I don't care if no one follows me.

I just want to live in peace - comfortable in my own skin. I don't want to abandon or compromise who I am for love nor money. Therefore, I'm not trying to be more like anybody else, but me!

R. O'Neill (July 24, 2018)

Monday, 23 July 2018

"Live and Let Die"

The final line of Francis' prayer reads:

"And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life."

I happen to believe this expresses a great deal more than the Christian theology it is often associated with. The implication being that the eternal life and "reward" is out there somewhere beyond our physical existence.

This to me is where religion has (and is), doing a great disservice to spirituality; and in this case, the transformational teachings, that Jesus brought to humanity.

Obviously I can't vouch, for what is going on, in ever church the world over. Still, for the most part, they are about the "life-hereafter." The supposition is you're broken, flawed and deficient and that is your cross to bare.

Is it any wonder there is so much strife and conflict in the world; when there are literally hundreds of thousands of people, that are resigned to "this is as good as it can ever be expected to be."

Jesus taught a path of person transformation and empowerment that focuses on the inner landscape creating "heaven from hell." Trust me, you cannot see the beauty of our world, if it is viewed through the lens, of your own personal hell.

So it is in dying to the "small self" - the release of limiting belief systems, self-criticism & admonishment, survival persona (that which was developed to deal with past dysfunction and abuses) that create the crucible from which "'rebirth" is then possible.

The church created a power structure for the control and influence of the masses. They hoisted Jesus to the helm (which never was his vision), he never told anyone to "worship" him - he suggested "follow me," ( as in, this is how it's done, you can do this too) he was demonstrating how all of humanity could connect to their "Source;" that there was no need to look, to the ruling class for guidance, that their well-being could be taken into their own hands. He pointed out the flawed and hypocritical premise of the "rulers" of his time.

The church has reduced his teaching; to the wrote recitation of scripture, and a continued focus on usurping the power and energy of the congregants, in order to uphold the wealth and power, of the church. The book they rely on advises against the worshipping of false gods (idols) and then they sit in these edifices and do just that.

We each are a unique expression of the divine. To connect to and live from there,  and doing so on an ever increasing basis, means that an unlimited Source (eternal life) has been tapped into. The will of "God" is that we awaken to the truth of who we are.

The choice however, is left with each individual. We can decide to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God (as expressed in the Twelve Steps) see ourselves as an "Instrument of divine peace" and develop ourselves accordingly, or languish the life of instincts run amok.

The collective has been so thoroughly programmed to think so little of themselves (this has been normalized) that when anyway speaks of "self-love," the misguided masses label him or her, a narcissist. This term is bandied about, in day to day conversation, by lay people of all stripes, whom for the most part, have no idea what it actually means.

Think about the implications of this, healthy self-respect, concern, compassion & empathy for one's own self; instead of being encouraged and embraced, is made out to be a pathology. It matters not the falsehood of such ... once a lie is spread widely and frequently enough, it is eventually considered to be the truth.

God Grant Me the Serenity
To Accept the Things
I Cannot Change
The Courage to Change
The Things I Can
And the Wisdom
To Know the Difference.

R. O'Neill (July 23, 2018)

Sunday, 22 July 2018

Pardon Me

Francis continues to express in what might appear to be a statement that cancels itself out:

" It is in pardoning, that we are pardoned"

It doesn't say if we think about pardoning; or that if we engage in the debate regarding pardoning and consider we have an air-tight case for not pardoning... It doesn't say that if we speak of intention to pardon; someday, maybe - "ya that's it I'll start fresh on Monday!!"

It very emphatically states - that we are pardoned when (& only when) we have pardoned.

This brings the mirroring of each other and our all being "One" into play. Resentment, judgment, condemnation, intolerance etc. if considered from the perspective of the adage; when there is one finger pointing out at another there are three pointing back at me; in this light, there can be seen to be a myriad of shadow characteristics within me, for which I have not offered my pardon (acceptance & forgiveness).

As long as I continue to vilify outside myself, seeking and seething, with a heart steeped in vengeance; I cannot possibly experience, the release and freedom of pardon. In our society we are given no end of cause and "reason," to find fault and deficiency in ourselves. There are unfortunately precious few conversations, or at least they are still in the minority, that are occurring around the idea of self-love, forgiveness, empathy & understanding; which is why the world, is in the state that it is.

I can attest to having been judge, jury and executioner in my life. Ironically, I wouldn't have allowed anyone else to speak to me, the way I spoke to myself. And the truth is, it's simply not merited.

No one, but us for ourselves, can grant this amnesty; you can be reminded by someone else of your innate value, and the sanctity of your person; but if you don't believe it for yourself, the well wishes of others, will fall on deaf ears.

It serves nothing nor no one, to continue to stoke the fires of resentment and bitterness. It doesn't mean, that one puts themselves in harm's way for the sake of forgiveness. It is just a process whereby I can free my own heart from the chains I bind it with.

Each must decide, when they are ready, to at least consider embracing themselves, with enough love - that they are willing, to let their own heart off the hook.

R. O'Neill (July 22, 2018)

Saturday, 21 July 2018

Give a Little Bit (and then a little bit more)

The final section of Francis' prayer made up of three axioms (all of which contain spiritual paradox) beginning with:

"For it is in giving that we receive"

This of course flies in the face of conventional "wisdom;" particularly that which is influenced by fear and scarcity consciousness. This mindset would reinforce, that there in fact is not enough to go around; it promotes a competitive, & win/lose attitude. The concern is that there won't be enough for "me," or "mine."

We live in an abundant universe, there is ample to supply everyone's needs - it really boils down to distribution and of course, is influenced by greed and lust for power.

Another consideration, is the influence of the material world, consumer-based economy, that we live in here in the western world. Dictates from this worldview, suggest that you couldn't possibly "gain," from giving something away.

The spiritual (inner rewards) of giving of yourself, are not necessarily quantifiable the same way material or financial wealth is. But they are most certainly tangible; albeit discernible, only to the individual concerned. Giving is free of "hooks," hidden agendas; want or need for reciprocation or accolades. It might even be done quietly, unwitnessed and without fanfare. The joy of giving is vast, the rewards plentiful. Though that has nothing to do with the soul motivation. Far better to give with an open heart; for the pure joy of doing so, and with the vision of making life pleasurable, for someone else.

You can give of your time, lending a hand or even an ear. Sharing your expertise, bring the gifts of your talents into service. There are few things that bring about a more complete sense of contentment; than the feeling of making a contribution, to have been of service, to something greater than yourself.

Whatever it is you've done - you have given something back, rather than take, take, take.  It is quite possible to have vast material accumulation and yet feel entirely empty. Equally true, there are those that might appear to have very little, and yet, they are prosperous in ways, that many people wouldn't even understand.

More of the power and magic of paradox.

R. O'Neill (July 21, 2018) 

Friday, 20 July 2018

Not Just Another Love Song

The next consideration within Francis' prayer is expressed that we not so much seek:

"To be loved as to love"

Nobody is suggesting (least of all me) that our needs be forgotten, that they are less important than those of others; to be sloughed off, shirked or otherwise abandoned.

However, an orientation of continual self-seeking is out of balance too. I can't eliminate entirely the effect of my own lens of perspective; but taking that into account, I will still assert, that I don't believe that those actively and consistently bringing love through, to the world, are in excess.

The way the planet, the environment, oceans and forests are treated - is not an expression of love, least of all for those that are acting out this exploitation. It embodies a lack of love toward themselves. They are literally biting the hand that feeds them.

We have been taught to fear differences, which feeds divisiveness and justifies dehumanization and atrocity of all forms. There's a vast swath of the "human experience" that in my humble opinion, is a rather pronounced call for love. People are just not that different, when it gets down to where the tires meet the pavement.

Many people direct more love, care and attention to their car, than they do toward themselves or the people they come in contact with. The tail is wagging the dog, we have lovers of things and users of people (rather than the reverse).

Again I'll mention that Francis was trying to live his life the way Jesus taught and lived. Jesus broke all the societal, political and religious norms in order to demonstrate what is possible for us all. Blind obedience to all the rules, laws, protocols, policies etc. will invariably lead to turning a blind eye to human decency, care and concern, love and compassion. The reason being, that the agendas that exist behind these dictates, have nothing to do with the greater good for all - they are more likely to serve the needs of the few.

No question it's challenging at times to show up as love; in the face of a situation, where someone is acting out a distinct cry for love. It might well call one to examine and expand what they have come to know as love. I'm not suggesting that unacceptable behaviour be enabled. In this respect asking "what would love have me do" - might well yield a response such as, "that behaviour, or what you said to me, is not okay with me!" Love for self and love toward another - letting them know that how their being in the world isn't acceptable, rather than dance around them and pretend it doesn't matter. That serves no one!

As the old song was crooned -

"What the world needs now is love, sweet love

It's the only thing that there's just too little of
What the world needs now is love, sweet love,
No not just for some but for everyone."

R. O'Neill (July 20, 2018)

Thursday, 19 July 2018

Listening + Understanding = Connection

A continuation of the 2nd verse of Francis' prayer, which is introduced with the line:

"Grant that I may not so much seek,"

Then goes on to say:

"To be understood as to understand."

It certainly is common place in our society to experience those that are intent on driving their point of view home. In fact, many people's idea of listening, isn't listening (to hear) at all - it is merely a pause in their discourse, while they consider what you're saying, only to pick it a part, once they have the floor again.

There is so much divisiveness! "Our way or the highway." Racism, sexism, ageism etc. political affiliation, religious tenets - everyone clambering to assert their perspective on anyone that doesn't share their view. Leaders of countries proclaiming "you're either with us or against us."

So few are asking, "what is it you believe in?" "What is it that makes that so important to you."

I recall a conversation which took place at a more unconscious and belligerent point in my life. Am I now "fully conscious" with a constantly delightful demeanour? No! More like, I am more widely aware and belligerent less frequently.

Anyway this conversation, was between me and someone, that I sometimes met with for spiritual mentoring. She was referencing "A Course in Miracle" idea which asked, " Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?"

Without missing a beat I replied, "I'm happy, when I'm right!!"

Oh what a great deal of damage that can occur in relationships of all types - if I place my focus and emphasis on "being right." It doesn't leave any room, for the other person (group of people) to express what is true for them. An over-concern for being "right" - usually goes hand in hand with the need to make other wrong (so that I can "be right.") It has nothing to do with understanding what they need and value; what they believe, how they came to believe it.

There is nothing sweeter than being truly heard, understood and accepted. The sad irony is, that it can happen so infrequently, that when it does, it stands out as the exception, rather than optimally be, more the rule.

When true understanding is sought - often times, the two parties find, they have far more in common than what they previously had thought.

"We" are all in this world together. Understanding this and each other, would lend to a greater degree of interdependence and less competition and conflict.

There is really no point in hammering someone with my perspective, while doing so, destroys any connection or "relating," that existed previously. Only to declare myself "right," or that I had won; or on a larger scale, between groups of people or countries, "the war had been won;" but at what cost?

There is a teaching I received somewhere along the line that seems fitting to this topic: the teaching states: "we have two ears and one mouth, so that we could listen twice as much, as speak.

R. O'Neill (July 19, 2018)

Wednesday, 18 July 2018

The "Consolation" Prize

The second verse of Francis' prayer begins:

"Oh Divine Master, 
Grant that I may not so much seek, 
To be consoled, as to console"

Here there are a couple of things at play. We are all one; so therefore the suffering of someone else, is our suffering. The second consideration is that, what I want to experience in my life, I need to bring into the world.

So if I want the experience of being consoled ... I need be consoling. The path of spiritual growth will then, orient one to expand their consciousness, beyond themselves & have concern for others. It doesn't mean abandoning myself and what I need; to be of service to others, my cup must be full and kept full.

I've worked in and around "health care" for years - there you can witness first hand, innumerable people, "burning the candle at both ends." The system can't force people to do it, but the culture encourages it, and the employer only minimally discourages it. There are many who have pushed themselves into a state of exhaustion. Generally the justification is - "I need the money," or it is derived from a unbalanced perception of caring for others and self-neglect. Those that are pushing their limits, both put themselves, and the people they are "looking after," at risk.

So caring for and about others, doesn't call for self-neglect.

It is beneficial though, to take the time to be of service to someone else. There is nothing to be gained by me dwelling on my own "trials and tribulations;"- incessantly. It is possible, that the answer may come for me, while getting out of myself, and showing up for another person.

So I'm not "helping" them in order to get something in return - but I can't help but receive the gifts of being - that instrument of peace.

R. O'Neill (July 18, 2018)

Monday, 16 July 2018

Joy to Your World

The last line of the first verse of Francis' prayer directs:

"Where there is sadness, joy"

How can you possibly experience joy in your life if you see continually see it from the perspective of what it lacks?

We as a society are bombarded with advertisements aimed at convincing us that we would be better off if we just had what they have to sell. They play on and exploit insecurities (and they know full well that they are doing so - they have gone to great lengths to learn just what buttons to push).

There are no end of gurus, teachers, healers etc. that position themselves in the world as the answer to filling "the void" so many secretly feel within themselves. Many are consciously aware that this "void" exists - but they continue on their way through life behaving as though something is missing.

Nothing is missing. I am, you are - enough!

You don't need the love and approval of any collective - you don't need a leader. If I chronically believe that the next accomplishment, the next purchase, the next job, the next relationship will book me passage on the joy train - it is inevitable that once I'm there - I'll be setting my sights on the "next" - again!

It is thinking I don't have "enough" - that is the catalyst for sadness. Even more sad - a chronic state of thinking that I'm not enough. How can that be anything else but sad? The thinking needs to be changed. What is called for is an attitude adjustment.

I'm not talking about dismissing acute feelings of sadness which are there to be felt and expressed. I'm referring to long term "the sky is falling" melancholy - that no matter how good things are, they'd be so much better if.............

Constantly comparing myself to others is a sure fire way to sadness. "They have this," and if only I had their talent (money, good looks) blah.. blah.. blah

I have what God (the Creator) gave me - who am I to diminish or dismiss that? If I want to get myself on the path to more joy in my life I might focus on fostering some acceptance and gratitude.

I know it's sometimes challenging to think of gratitude when there are various life challenges present. Just the same, when I put my focus on what I do have to be grateful for it puts me in a higher energy state which is more useful to deal with those challenges.

Then if I decide I would enjoy to have something in particular - I do what it takes and go ahead and get it. Not because I'm incomplete without it. Not because I'm any better with it. All the trappings of the material world are only temporary anyway. Doesn't mean they can't be enjoyed and appreciated while I have them. The cart has been placed before the horse when I in effect worship this stuff (or other person/s, places or things) as though my worth and wellness depends on it.

Go ahead and feel joyful. If not now, when? Bring your joyful self into all encounters - lead by example. Your exhibiting joy "give permission" for others to lighten up or at least shows them it is a viable option. Where you encounter sadness in others, listen - allow them to express themselves, and then point out their good qualities and what they have to be grateful for. Maybe they haven't heard that for awhile; maybe they never have heard it.

It is very easy to buy in to the "lack" mentality - it is everywhere. As such it is readily habituated and lends to chronic sadness.

There is enough of that in the world. The suggestion to bring joy is as applicable now, as it was in the time of Francis of Assisi.

R. O'Neill (July 16, 2018)

Sunday, 15 July 2018

This Little Light

The continued wisdom of the prayer of St. Francis states:

"Where there is darkness, light"

As well as the presentation that in a world seen through the lens of duality there can be no light without darkness there are additional considerations.

Darkness is transformed by light. In terms of "spiritual growth" and healing - that doesn't mean the darkness can be ignored. The darkness is brought to the light or into the light. (i.e. where it can be seen and acknowledged).

There are too many people running around "spreading love and light" - when what they are really spreading is denial. Denying, making it wrong (shaming) does nothing to transform  wounds and limiting beliefs. You can parrot "love and light" all you wish. Of course if this is what someone chooses, then that is, their choice.

The drawback is that some of these people can be fairly convincing with regard to "their path" and for others for whom, a sincere desire exists to bring change into their life - they can be easily taken in and led to believe these people represent an "evolved" state; when in truth, they have left much of their own personal work undone. (This can be lay persons and "professionals").

If you have a pile of horse manure in your yard and rather than dig it into your garden you decide to "beautify" it by burying it in rose petals - you still have a pile of manure - not a rose garden.

What is often considered "negative" does however need to be treated with love in order to be healed. The shaming, berating, punishing of self or others, is ineffective. If anything, it just more deeply entrenches the unwanted energies, driving them further into hiding.

Becoming "more aware" means an expanded awareness of what is limiting me (my thoughts, beliefs, behaviours). This can sometimes be a lonely path, but definitely a worthwhile pursuit.

The other thing is, there is nothing virtuous about hiding your light, playing small and false modesty. Everyone was meant to shine in their own unique way!

Where becoming this beacon of life in the world - keep in mind you can't shine a light through a dirty lens.

R. O'Neill (July 15, 2018)

Saturday, 14 July 2018

Repair for Despair

I'm going for a motorcycle ride up island tomorrow a.m. (for the day) so I'm going to get the blog post out tonight.

The next line of the Prayer of Francis reads:

"Where there is despair, hope"

What I can say about despair (hopelessness) where it has touched my life is, I can't imagine a worse state of mind. I certainly wouldn't wish it on anybody. I'm going to presume that this would be true of most anybody's experience of this state. I don't see any point in trying to quantify "degrees of despair."

It is an overwhelmingly dark state (whether I was "diagnosable" as depressed or any of the myriad of other labels medicine has at the time - I wouldn't know, I didn't seek medical attention.  Having worked in "health care," seen, heard, and read about the tragic way, so many lives are devastated through mental health systems - I chose to steer clear of it. Whatever I was dealing with, I believed I had a better chance of surviving that, than the medical system (even though I was contemplating my early demise at the time).

I don't think there is a much greater gift one can receive than hope - seriously, what can you do without it? It's not like I have buckets full of it and can provide it to someone else. I actually can't say exactly what took place when I went from feeling hopeless to one with hope. What I mean is I don't know why then and not previously... what was said, by whom, that made such a profound difference.

Miracles have been described as a profound change of perspective. I would say that it what came into play here. It didn't matter previously to that, what I had going for me, it didn't matter if it was a beautiful sunny day, I had my health (relatively speaking) food, shelter - still, I couldn't see the forest for the trees. At that time all seemed black and irrevocably broken. (Until it didn't) - certainly nothing I can take credit for. I mean I showed up - where "help" was available and somehow what I desperately needed, found it's way, to where I needed it.

I believe any one of us can be used to deliver hope. Again I'm not saying I'm the source of. I don't have all of life's answers. But a willingness, to be that channel of God's healing power, is what I would call, doing my part.

Who knows what it might look like, one case to another. The other night, I was on my way home from the neighbourhood grocery store; and there was a fellow out in the parking lot, collecting cigarette butts, to roll some smokes, from the left over tobacco. Instantly I reached in my pocket and pulled out a twenty dollar bill. I approached the fellow, who didn't see me coming. I got his attention, gave him the money and suggested he go buy himself a package of cigarettes.

I didn't hang around to see if he did. I didn't stop and think about this endlessly before I did it. I just felt guided to do so and didn't question it. I know all about "enabling," the harm of cigarette tobacco, blah, blah, blah.

He is going to smoke at this point anyway. Can you imagine what else is leached into the tobacco of the butts he's rolling from the surface of the parking lot? It's not my business to see to it he buys smokes - if he went to the liquor store instead, so be it! It was his money then, to do with as he pleased.

He was very surprised and grateful! There is a level of desperation at play that compels someone to do something such as this - that so clearly is not in their best interest.

I can judge him or, at least be kind and respectful. I don't have the resources (financial) to help everyone that is in need. This fellow wasn't asking anyone for help - he was just going about his business. I don't think anyone need do more than what they can, with what they have. Will this change his life? I don't know - nor does anybody else. You never know when someone is on the brink and on seemingly innocuous act gives them what they need to hang on.

He could be back in the parking lot tomorrow for all I know. But in this instance he didn't have to be. I have so much it couldn't possibly hurt me to intervene in this way. Perhaps my experience in life with hopelessness has helped in fostering some compassion. I'm also all too familiar with the power of addiction.

Hope can change (even save) a life - I know from direct experience. As powerful as it is, it is an inexhaustible resource to give away & it can cost nothing.

R. O'Neill (July 14, 2018)

Friday, 13 July 2018

Once You Get it - Give it Away!

As the prayer of Francis of Assisi continues to unfold we are presented with:

"Where there is doubt, faith"

Recall Francis was asking to be made and instrument of peace. What peace? God's peace! So this next line might well be interpreted as, having the strength and conviction in one's own believe, that they are then in turn able, to help bolster someone else's flagging faith.

I'm not talking about evangelizing - standing on street corner's preaching.

But certainly if someone you encounter (or a friend) has temporarily forgotten who they are, you certainly can give them a "shot in the arm.." to help to remind them. Who doesn't get a little down-hearted sometimes; or become taunted by their own self-doubts. I know it's been true for me.

In some of the twelve step rooms there's a slogan that goes: "Let us Love you, until you can love yourself."

A little sincere encouragement from another can, go a long way. If you frequent a particular spiritual community, then maybe the support you render might be, specifically focused toward God. Sometimes the cards that life deals can test the most ardent faith - whether that is in "God" - a "loving universe" or that everything will work out. Of course one must muster their own "get up & go," but it is also true "no man is an island." This is where a recognition in "interdependence" is of great benefit.  Just think about a time when you felt dejected and overwhelmed with some current circumstances and somebody intervened with a helping hand or some encouraging words that changed your perspective. This is the power we each have to direct toward each other (rather than this notion of always being in competition).

Even the simplest gesture of kindness or encouragement can have immeasurable impact on the recipient. How many times have you heard someone say, "this" (whatever is what) restores my faith in humanity." Consider this is not just an empty platitude and that the one doing the "restoring" - is embodying what it is, to be that instrument Francis wrote about.

R. O'Neill (July 13, 2018)

Wednesday, 11 July 2018

The Time for Forgiveness is Upon Us

To continue with the Francis of Assisi prayer the next line reads:

"Where there is injury, pardon"

Here the spiritual principle of forgiveness is being illuminated.

I suspect most everyone would prefer to be forgiven. How many people relish the idea, that when you have made a mistake, the error is brought up, again and again. Every time there is a discussion, there it is again, it's as though you have been identified with your mistake, that it is all you are, the reason being, you have.

Another prayer contains the phrase: "And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those that trespass against us."

Here's what I know - it's dead easy to hold a grudge.

If I want to begin to move in the direction of forgiveness, I might want to ask myself, what's in it for me to continue to resent this person, place or thing.

The answer would be, that from my stance of self-righteousness, there is no need for me to consider changing anything about me. This mindset allows for me to self-appoint, as the infallible judge and therefore, all the changing, needs to happen out there somewhere.

Another truth around forgiveness is that "I" (that same infallible judge) am not "letting someone of the hook" when I decide, to forgive. The act of forgiveness is not "for them" - it is for me. The forgiver - is the beneficiary of the forgiveness; I'll grant you, it might be quite some process to get there. Did you really think that a spiritual journey would allow you just to run around wishing everyone "love and light" and you were never going to need to get your hands dirty wielding the sword of truth upon you and your own life? So then, I can get off any high horse, thinking I'm this paragon of virtue, that I have "granted forgiveness."

Forgiveness has nothing to do with condoning the act, it has everything to do, with my being willing to discontinue "injuring" myself; by keeping myself tethered to the act, by rehashing it over and over and over. The perceived "offender" is now busy in their life doing whatever it is they do - but I'm still in effect, inflicting further wounding (to myself) by not being willing to let it go.

Nobody is expected to put themselves back in harm's way, as part of forgiveness.

Our reward/punishment society might do better to consider a more widely practiced system of rehabilitation/restorative justice. In this model, accountability is still encouraged/required, but it operates on the premise, that the individual is more than their momentary error in judgement, or perhaps act of desperation.

Forgiveness is an act of self-love. It allows one to cease punishing themselves with their own venomous thoughts and hard hearted stance.

It has been said of holding resentments: "It's just like drinking a cup of poison and expecting the other person to die."

While we're at it I believe it bares mentioning that pardon is a welcome and beneficial blessing to bestow upon yourself. Haven't you persecuted yourself long enough by now?

R. O'Neill (July 11, 2018) 

Tuesday, 10 July 2018

Love Actually is: "Realistic!"

I'm going to go out on a limb and declare that this prayer (or perhaps it could be seen, as "channeled guidance;" that is how I see it, is not meant to be a path to Catholicism - despite that organization staking claim to Francis, and making him one of "their saints." My understanding is that the church of the day (in Francis' time) didn't "approve"of much of what he was up to, in the world.

The guidance he received, was something to the effect of, "my church has fallen into disrepair - I want you to rebuild it."So he may have been at a place where he believed "he needed saving;" but his "salvation," was to rebuild that which was in as much or more, "rack and ruin" than he was. As an aside, I have considered where my own life is concerned, the guidance regarding a church, being in disrepair; can be seen as a metaphor, which points at my own heart (which I'm suggesting ought to be revered as a temple - the divine resides there, or at least it is a conduit). You the reader are free to believe or not this reference - I know for me it was - spot on! (of course that is the nature of guidance it fits the receiver - like a glove, it doesn't need to be meaningful to anyone else).

 I believe he cooperated with the church, where he saw it could be advantageous to forwarding his work. To have operated completely in opposition, to the political power centre, may well have prevented him; from being the cause for change in the world, that he was. I believe he was divinely guided to give the church their token respect - so they would leave him alone to do his work. Despite their opposition to him and his methods (which he fashioned, living as he was guided, as closely as he could, to the way Jesus lived) - they then, made him one of their saints. - This I would call, one of the ultimate acts of hypocrisy, image usurping and "name dropping." (i.e. "oh ya, Francis he was one of our starters,  he got "rookie of the year," five time winner of the MVP award, and now inducted to the "Hall of Fame.")

I believe the "Prayer" points to a connection through which anyone can interact with life itself. Anyone can develop this connection - no particular church, nor it's dogma is required. There are literally too many churches and too many adherents throughout the world - for there not to be those that are making a positive difference in the world. So, I'm not on a mission to denounce churches.  I'm saying that your connection to Source/God/Life; is yours, and it can be addressed autonomously.

Francis goes on to say:

Where there is hatred - Let me sow love

Jesus said, "Love your enemy, and pray for those that persecute you."

And - "Love thy neighbour has thy self"

Many religious texts have some version of - "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

Many people make enemies out of their neighbours (for example, they don't care for their vision of lawn care).

I must remind myself, it doesn't say - do unto others as I would have them do unto me - (unless they piss me off) then I can be a self-righteous "holy" terror."

None of these "suggestions" make "sense" in a "tit for tat" - win/lose, pride filled mindset (remember it was also said, "pride cometh before the fall." I might not have the monopoly on pride induced pratfalls - but I can assure you, I have fallen so many times, it might not be clear, I am a being meant to walk upright. The extent of my pride (which was a most formidable cover story, for my deep under-lying shame, often had me "knocked down," before I started, and threatened to keep me there.

The other thing I would like to illuminate, regarding the idea of sowing love where hatred exists: it can be equally directed inward, as it can be outward. It vitally important that I bring any self-hatred I find operating within, to love.

I believe this is at the crux of the "love your enemy" teaching.

I'm not familiar with Charles Spurgeon  or his work - but this quote came to mind, which I then searched and found, that he said, "Beware of no man more than yourself; we carry our worst enemies within us."

What if, most of the people that I have held with disdain have all been "mirroring for me," those parts of myself, that are screaming to be brought to love?

A mentor of mine used to have this to say to me when discussing fear, "Rob, there are two kinds of fear, "fear that you aren't going to get something you want" and "fear that you are going to lose something you already have." Of course if I'm so inclined (and I was once entirely so - it was how I was oriented in the world) then it is someone or something, outside of myself; that are going to rob me of that which otherwise would be mine, therefore they become: "the enemy."

It certainly never occurred to me, to search within myself, for what it is, I'm afraid of."

 If someone is pointing out for me, some form of immobilizing fear within - they might almost be seen as an "ally." That there, is some useful information. Maybe we're not going to become bosom buddies - but "enemy," might well be, erroneous.

Gandhi said, "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind."

I know for me, holding deep seated resentment toward someone, has never brought me any peace. Furthermore it doesn't matter, what occurs in their life; with respect to being dealt anything that might be considered "justice;" hatred is insatiable, no amount of retribution, will ease the hurt and pain. It is, a call for love.

Do I always show up as the "sower" of love. Not exactly. But I will bring love right here, right now, to any inkling of self-condemnation, that I have not arrived at perfection, where that is concerned.

I could not have written this perspective at other times in my life, because I was unconscious of that which I have now shared about myself and where I was operating from. From the text of A.A. I reference the principle, that I continue to seek, "Spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection."

There is much more to be gained by day to day progress; rather than the condemnation, of an expectation of perfection (which is more apt to become self-defeating).

How then to deal with those that do commit some sort of assault on my person. Am I meant to condone such behaviour. In a word, no! The act itself can be unacceptable, it is the state of my heart in response to what has occurred - that I have any power to do anything about.

There are those "living among us" that have demonstrated shining examples of love in the face of hatred. These are survivors of genocide, family of murder victims, those held as political prisoners. All have responded with love toward the perpetrators (while calling for justice). There are innumerable examples of the organizations for peace, empowerment, reconciliation some of these folks have gone on to create - despite having experienced devastating events in their lives. This demonstrates for me what is possible, it takes "religious abstractions" (and what some might dismiss as unattainable platitudes and makes them real). It also shows me that it is a choice to bring love through.

We are never given a "fly on the wall" perspective; of the ongoing process, any of these people underwent in their lives. I would suggest, that the choice to call in love, would be made again and again and again........ In the face of tragedy & great loss, there would be a great many feelings to wade through; any of which, or combination there of, might be adequate temptation, to meet hatred with hatred.

One must decide what paradigm they wish to operate from (a selection criteria might include, what serves the highest good for all concerned?) If one sees the world through the eyes of a hammer, then everything looks like a nail. Therefore if war, retaliation, hostility, retribution, power struggles are seen as "inevitable," then clearly, they always will be.

Love must be given at least an equal footing if not, a greater priority.

You think this is not operating in the day to day personal lives of ordinary people? Look at the ways the laundry list of ill-intent I just listed, play out in, for example, in the dissolving of marriages. It's not enough, that two people decide, they no longer wish to carry on the relationship, as a married partnership. This is a pain filled decision. The loss of the dream, the vision, the bond/connection between the two etc. And as if this weren't enough pain, well then, one or both, decide they are going to dish out a great deal more hurt; on the way out the door, and seek to ruin the person financially, and/or their reputation in the community etc.

Are they then "at peace," grounded and prepared to "move on?"  Based on many people, I have met that have undergone such a separation and legal battle, I would say not in the least! Years later they are every bit as bitter (read hurt) - no resolution, no peace.

Many are quick to denounce "hate crimes," but cannot see that the sowing of hatred in their own lives, is equally ineffective ( unless what they hope to achieve, is the generation of more hate, then of course, it works like gangbusters).

I want the pain to stop! I hold this vision for my life and for all beings. I stand a great deal more chance, of seeing it through to fruition in my own life, but that won't prevent me, from a more expanded vision, for all of humanity.

I believe in a vast potential for all human beings. It saddens me that so many don't express that in the world. I know first hand the pain of believing, in a very limited view of myself, and the power attained (even if incrementally) of liberation, from the self-imposed prison of these limitations.

I now see it as my passion to support others in the realization, they are, the jail and the jailer (as well as the jury that rendered the sentence) and that the walls, are not nearly as impenetrable, as they once thought!!

R. O'Neill (July 10, 2018)

Monday, 9 July 2018

Know Self - Know Peace

The Francis of Assisi prayer begins:

"Lord make me an instrument of your peace"

I have also so seen: "My Creator make me an instrument of your peace"

"Make me an instrument of your peace" 

It does change the context choosing different wording. Francis was doing his utmost to emulate and live life, as Jesus did - so he may well have been addressing Jesus (as Lord). Choosing "Creator" would imply one is petitioning "God." It is not the scope of this post, to dwell in the discussion around, specifying the nature of the divine (or what it is called).

So what is it that is being asked for here. I would say it suggests that "God," is the source of the ultimate peace. This line of the prayer (if I'm praying sincerely) is my asking, to not just receive the "peace of God," but to be the conveyor, (instrument) of that peace.

It doesn't mean I'm special or uniquely qualified to do so. I believe every human being has the choice to know and deliver (through the use of their unique gifts) the peace of God here on earth. It is necessary to ask to do so - because we have free will. I can choose not to, (God knows why, pun intended) it's pretty easy to understand I'd be better off, "at peace." But God is not going to force my hand. That would be more along the lines of how some of the countries in the world operate, when acting out their political agendas (i.e. they claim to be ushering in peace, but they do it at the end of a rifle; not to mention all the other armaments of modern warfare). That is human will. Harnessing the greatest innovative minds, to create weapons to orchestrate human greed, power lust (illusory power), vindictiveness, hostility, aggression, revenge.

Take away the implements of modern war, and all those same motivations for war, existed in the time of Francis of Assisi. He in fact sought to be a knight before his conversion experience. So it seems to me, in that light, humans can choose to be instruments of destruction, or of peace. (Their own or they can take their agendas further afield).

So whether I pray to the God of religion or to some higher aspect of myself - I know from my experience; that I won't find peace at the level of my mind; which is frequently, the source of my agitation.

I don't have the inside track to knowledge of God. I don't know to what degree God can or would intervene directly in the matters of humanity. I suspect that humans themselves, are meant to be the "hands & legs" of God. We can make heaven on earth for ourselves or hell. I have ample examples of doing both in my life. And I have participated in the creation of both in the lives of others.

Gandhi said, "we must be the change we wish to see in the world." I'm frequently reminded of this, when I'm experiencing some wave of "growing pains." I can't very well be an instrument of peace, if I'm the embodiment of internal strife. So then, it should come to me as no surprise; if I go about praying to be "made" and instrument of peace, then it's going to become the catalyst to my dealing with whatever it is, within my inner world, that is preventing peace. It should come as no surprise, but it often does! The thing is I can pray all forms of prayer... but that doesn't mean, I'll be privy to or have control of, what plays out in my life to address (or point out) the need for change.

So then the "path to peace" might not always feel like peace - or as the saying goes: in order to make an omelette you must break a few eggs."

I think the most important thing for me to remember is where change is concerned - that I keep my expectations kind and gentle toward myself. On the one hand through my life I have undergone stark transformation; some of which might be said to have been quick and spontaneous, but for the most part it has been gradually and incrementally over time. We don't all under go these drastic conversion experiences that have occurred to some such as Francis. Rather than romanticize about that, (as experiences like that are no walk in the park) - I can be grateful (extremely grateful) for the change that has occurred in my life.... the life I have, and the time I'm given to continue to seek that peace.

One day at a time!

R. O'Neill (July 09, 2018)

Sunday, 8 July 2018

An Instrument Being Tuned

The next series of blog posts I'm going to take on, will take a look at the Saint Francis of Assisi Prayer.

For the sake of clarity - I'm going to aim to do a line of the prayer each day (on any given day there could be additional posts unrelated to this particular focus). When I say cover, it certainly isn't meant to imply, that this is the definitive examination of his prayer - it represents my current understanding combined with any inspiration in the moment. There are most certainly, more learned than I, that have written and studied comprehensively, on the life and work of Francis.

This first post will offer a little background on my relationship with Francis. Yes I'm suggesting a relationship exists. One of considerable longstanding as it turns out. First of all I will mention I am not Catholic. The family I was raised in (adopted) were Anglican by affiliation. Though it was not a particularly "religious" household. So I both attended Anglican church when I was young and was sent to a Catholic elementary school - it was thought, I'd get a better education there, with the smaller class sizes etc.

So I suppose it's safe to say I was influenced by both Churches to some extent. I don't happen to believe that one must be Catholic to consider Francis their guide. I'm quite sure "he" doesn't care at all. I don't believe the Catholics have the monopoly on any of the beings they have deemed "saints."

Mother Mary is a significant presence in my life as well. Both relationships are largely absent the theology of Catholicism. Which many in their ranks, would likely say is not possible. I say, my relationship with Francis, Mary and Jesus (for that matter), are none of their business.

It was many years after my attendance at "St. Joesph's school, that I was reminded and made aware, that one of my favourite "songs;" I liked to sing, when I was allowed to tag along, with all the Catholic kids and attend their Mass; as it turns out, was based on the words of Francis' prayer.

I was to be reintroduced to that prayer, in my late twenties when I entered into A.A. (Alcoholics Anonymous) - I'm not in breach of the "anonymity" principle; each is allowed to shroud themselves or "break their anonymity" as they choose. I would never break that of any other member. I don't actually attend those meetings anymore, my spirituality stems from a variety of other sources. That program (including that prayer at that time went on to save my life).

This reacquainting with Francis was very comforting and the words of his prayer took on a vastly deeper and more power meaning. I believe I could live out the rest of my life, trying to live up to directives in the prayer. Still later in my life,  I was traveling in Europe for my first time. I had decided to join some friends in Italy for a couple yoga retreats (then and now,  I have vast untapped yoga potential) - but I was over there and the idea of connecting with this beautiful group of people and in Italy, over-rode my "performance anxiety." I was traveling through the Balkan countries and stayed 3 nights in Split, Croatia (there was an over night ferry from there to go across to Italy).

No sooner had  I checked my bags into my B&B room and started to explore the town - the first church I was drawn to go through turned out to be "the Church of St. Francis". The first of the two yoga retreats was to be in a small town called Spoleto... it was only an hour away from Assisi, so I spent 3 nights in that city and two more in Perugia. My experiences while there, were very profound. I prayed at the tomb of St. Francis and St. Clare. Sat in the church he "rebuilt." Walked in the woods and hills where he may have roamed.

When I checked into a hotel in Spoleto (having arrived there a few days before the retreat started) my room was at the Hotel Clarici ("Clare" - who renounced her life to follow in the steps of Francis and went on to create the "Poor Clares" - the order of St. Clare a contemplative order of nuns) a women working at the desk that was very helpful getting me settled and oriented (her name was Francesca - the feminine form of "Francis.."

I was also to meet another women by the same name. She and her friends drove me back to the venue one night (early a.m.) after I had got separated from my retreat group. She owned a pizza restaurant in town and was very hospitable toward me while I was in town after the retreat.

It is through these experiences and many more that I realize the "presence" of Francis has been around me most of (maybe all of) my life; in direct ways and some more subtle - I have been taken care of and guided.

I don't believe you need to be a religious person at all in order to connect with the spirit of any of the world's "historic" characters. I'd say it's a easy as beginning any new friendship - start by saying hello.

In this case I also believe that the tenets of this prayer provide me with a "road map" for a life time of character development and spiritual growth.

I include the prayer here for any that might not be familiar with it and as something to refer to as I work my way through it's vision.

Holy Cards: Prayer for Peace (St. Francis)

R.O'Neill (July 08, 2018)