A Heart Near You

How many 

Thousands

of 

Dollars 

and

Miles

Might be

Invested

&

Traversed

In the 

Name

Of

Adventure

and 

Exploration?

Just as readily

With 

Minimal expense

And

No need

for 

Visa, passport nor vaccination

There lies

The boundless

Territory

And 

Terrain

of

Your own

Heart

Perhaps

More exotic

More foreign

Capable 

of 

Offering

Vastly

Diverse

&

Expansive

Experiences

Of course

The two

Need not be

Mutually exclusive

Just the same

Geographical relocation

Can 

Be every bit

An ego feeding 

Proposition

As serve

Any 

Higher good

Turn 

And face

Your heart

Regardless

Where you 

Have located

The rest of yourself

No destination

Will

Quell the pain

Of 

An abandoned heart 

Will

Attentiveness

To 

A heart

Ensure

Unending bliss?

No..

It 

Will though

Lessen

The

Extended pain

of

Disconnection

A heart

Embraced consistently

Will enrich

You

Where you

Are 

R. O'Neill (January 28, 2019)

Bridgit's Rhapsody

The mantle

Of 

A winter tossed

Landscape

Yawns

And reaches

A welcoming

Embrace

Hoping

To 

Collect 

A wisp

Of the warming

breath

A premonition 

of 

Bridgit's 

Spring song

Some of

Gaia's

Earliest

Talisman

of 

A pending debut

Begin

To feature

Upon 

The land

A fragile

Choreography

Still

Proves

Hearty enough

To withstand

The continued

Grasp

Of

Lingering

Climatic Inhospitality

Sleepy eyes

Strain

In the presence

Of 

An encroaching

Return

Of the light

Slumber

Lessing

A dream 

Now more vivid

Lies

Germinating

In 

Previously

Unknown

Place 

In 

Your heart

R. O'Neill (January 25, 2019)

Pass the Buck...

Mechanized obsession

Producing

A collective self-satisfied

Inhumanity

Those 

Not seen

To be 

Making 

The requisite

Contribution...

An utter

Sacrificial offering

Of their

Soul

To the 

Insatiable maw

Of the GDP

Have fostered 

For themselves

A justifiable

Disdain

Your suffering

The penance 

Deserved

For your

Lack

Of 

Compliance & conformity

The 

Untold suffering

You have

Heaped upon

A righteous society

Is simply

Unforgivable

How 

You 

Continue to 

Consume

The air

And 

Food 

Of those

Rightly entitled

To sustain

Your meagre existence

Is unconscionable ....

When 

Will you

Face

Your responsibility

To life?

R. O'Neill (January 24, 2019)

Experience - Doesn't Make it so (except when it does)

Much has been said with regard to a freedom from addictions and the requisite need to "hit the bottom..." from there, the supposition is that, the necessary willingness to rise from the ashes rather than be consumed by the flames; will have been acquired.

"The bottom!" The bottom of what? Does that have a physical address? A GPS coordinate? A composite series of life circumstances, which combine to represent the "perfect storm," the "last straw," the "eleventh hour.."

Dark night....

Soul's plight....

Torn asunder....

Nothing's right!!!

If one has "reached the bottom.." is it a given they will never reach there again? Would this presumption constitute "success?" Implying of course in a dualistic paradigm, that to revisit the bottom multiple times, would be indicative of "failure!!" Why would it be assumed the pain of the "bottom" is going to become the catalyst for recovery rather than be the more painful trigger to further acting out the addiction?

Who could even begin to define what the "bottom," is for anyone else, or that a cyclical reoccurrence, had yielded precisely the same place? (complete with identical "conditions..")

I find myself wrestling with a deeper knowing that: I don't want to dwell in my past, I don't wish to shut the door on it (in as much, as each, of it's nuanced tragedies, could be turned to be, the fabric of hope, for others) - and most certainly, I don't want to consider myself "better than my past." This doesn't mean the self-loathing, terror, low self-worth, self-judgement, condemnation, and self-punishment continue to define my present. But it most definitely means, that to rise through the stratification of society, material acquisition or any other way, I externally try to present a more "loveable" - cut to my jib; neither "drains the swamp," spells an end to the permutations addiction can take, or provides (for me) an acceptable (nor viable) justification, to turn my back on my history, that which gave me release from some of the more life threatening aspects of it, (God... whatever that is) and those aspects within, that are still reinventing their unique version of the bottom and continue to seek respite from pain, if not recovery.

I sought the "spiritual answers" to what had been an existential agony and through some form of Grace, have been given a now, near 32 years, of a reprieve. Of course that "freedom" didn't prevent life to continue right on "lifing;" as I'm still here, it has over time provided me; the opportunity, to hone tools that I may never have found or developed otherwise. (none of which render me impervious to further inner truth and self-recognition, uncertainty, doubt, fear, aimlessness, compulsion)....

Is this the failure of the paradigm/s I've chosen to follow (cherry-pick from, combine, renounce, abandon) - is this my failure to apply "correctly," spiritual practices etc.? Is anyone applying these tenets with flawless execution and thereby walking, the embodiment of a divine efficacy?

Does my "unique" story separate me from a collective story of humanity and it's evolution? I was convinced at various legs of my journey that what I had gained, in terms of reduced suffering and insight ... was of value to others. I've also come to know of my own self-righteousness through the same journey ... that coupled with further reassertion, of my active addiction, has fuelled a compulsive pursuit of "spirituality" beyond the point of being a useful and healthy foundation for life.  "The hungry ghost" sought to claim "seeker" as my "identity," and marker of superiority to mask an abysmal sense of worthlessness. Terror of the unknown and my own annihilation (ironic given how I sought oblivion with such self-destructive enthusiasm) create for me both a known & unconscious "dogma," that excludes all that don't follow it. Large swaths of my life remained "unmanageable" while I made "spirituality" my life. The "spiritual" path I deemed as being a significantly "higher" road than those that "mindlessly" pursued material and social status. The insanity of that delusion was I sought status for my spiritual pursuit, in a society that doesn't give a shit about spirituality (unless you are making a truck-load of money doing it).

Even many that inhabit the bastions of organized religion are more concerned about being seen in their ever growing wardrobe of "Sunday bests;" and where do you think, the used car marketing claim - "this baby was only ever driven to church on Sundays" came from?

It would seem most anything can be commandeered by the wounded (disconnected) and therefore addictive part of my being - in the case of spirituality - it created literally a holier than most attitude, while it still stoked the fires of "I don't belong" and am not welcome and I can't let up from this vigilant pursuit of and pious representation for even a minute lest the truth of my defectiveness be allowed to ooze to the foreground.

Of course this isn't entirely my wound and projection. Nothing can create exclusion like some collectives of "spiritual communities." The combined righteousness of "their way," being harnessed to keep any that aren't, "with us" - OUT!

Cliques and inner community politics reserve the platform of esteem, for the chosen few (even within their own ranks - let alone those that hold a different view from other paths).

Leaders exercise coercion and manipulation, exploiting the fears and insecurities of the "flock."

I'm powerless over the dynamics in such collectives. It is enough for me to know they exist. So that I can guard against my becoming victimized & recognize in what ways, I continue to create disconnection, while compulsively seeking paths, with an intention of realizing a greater connection.

I am not interested in "paths" that feature centralized power dynamics. I'm not interested in conditionally loving collectives, that define emphatically, what I should respect about "their beliefs," while any questions or indication that I don't share those beliefs, is met with a complete lack of care or concern for me; and can result in one finding themselves ostracized toot sweet!! There was a time in human evolution where exile from the "tribe" meant certain death.... surely it remains hardwired into the survival mechanism... beyond healthy human connection  - it serves no useful purpose.

One's humanity/spirituality can now quite readily, be seem as just something else to be marketed to with literally infinite experts, gurus, practitioners, coaches, guides, therapists etc. lining the wings. The expansion of the internet is probably driven in no small part, by the volume of those claiming, to have all the answers.  A clue for me in my own compulsive pursuit is the imbalance between the fees charged for such services and how much work I would need to do, to generate that amount of money.

How exactly is the marketing of "spirituality" which many would describe as a recognition of the interconnection of everything - even possible, within a society that is predicated on individualism and financial hierarchy? An attempt to sell connection to the disconnected masses; marketing and promotion widening the divisiveness of society - all promising such things as "financial freedom" (touted as being synonymous with enlightenment) which instead, becomes the new standard by which a neurotic public, can then further discredit itself.

I have struggled through my life... to accept "life on life's terms. I'm not making a blanket claim with regard to what anyone's "fee structure" should or shouldn't be. However, in order to live within my means, I can't afford this high priced help. It's not a question of respecting or not respecting the credential of anyone - it's a reckoning with respecting the truth for me; that if I'm digging myself a hole financially, in the pursuit of spirituality/healing - for me it's just another self-destructive racket I'm running. Another high, followed by an inevitable crash... and then an insatiable compulsion to quell the pain of that crash... and restore the "bliss.." (sound familiar? - it sure as hell does to me!)

No practitioner of anything is going to ask whether I can afford it - "this is the fee structure, take it or leave it." ("you must be willing to put some flesh in the game.." the money represents your commitment to yourself.... blah - blah - blah) .... no, actually the money represents a month's mortgage payment and groceries!!! - well perhaps you, are just not ready yet...

I need release from the compulsion to act out compulsively. No group is the source of love and approval that will fill the void that exists within me. I continue to tear that void wider and deeper by abandoning myself within said situations; in order to win approval, that is not theirs, to give in the first place. Not a great formula for healing, though a very effective way to foster self-loathing.

I don't know what anyone else needs. If what ever they are doing and believing quote, "gets them through the night," Great! Truth of the matter is, who sees them through the night, or for that many "mornings after?" So you see their "game" face..... then who knows??

I wrote a book  - I tried to frame as "sacredness" what one holds passionately in their own heart. I tried to offer hundreds of questions that could point one back toward the answers within themselves - answers that might reveal, life long patterns that were no longer effective, identify strengths, areas were "growing edges existed - to create and work towards, dream realization. I cited the depths of my own personal dark life challenges and their being overcome; to offer demonstration and inspiration, for those that doubted themselves. Maybe the book has no inherent value to anyone but me; he that grew and changed while writing it, and trying to get it out in the world. Maybe there is more to value than commercial acclaim and financial return?

Note I didn't say that I had, the answers ... I said, I created the story of a 40 day challenge (while partaking in the challenge) - I further laid out a template that anyone could use to seek their own answers (from within themselves) I didn't say I was going to provide them. I can't find the bottom to my questions - never mind know the answer to hitting the bottom. I was inspired to write a book and I did it... I published it and I worked some at putting it "out there." Does it mean I'm "all that..." of course not!! Still it is an accomplishment for me personally.... despite the fact it bypassed everything from best-seller lists to bargain bins.

Maybe the book (or a box full) would better serve someone, that is living without heat and needs fuel for their stove. At least then I could contribute to them not freezing to death. There some of them out there in the world... it's not actually my business what purpose they are serving.. Could be door stops, maybe a book end for the "real books" - toilet paper. Maybe they found their way into the hands of those that called them into being ... I wouldn't know, it's not my problem.

It's entirely possible that while I became for a time, more "visible" through my writing - that the same, is leading me back to a place, where I will resume, utter invisibility. Does this mean I will then "hide my lamp beneath the bushel.." Not necessarily - it might just mean, that I will engage myself thoroughly enough, through whatever light I can come to recognize in myself - but I will spend absolutely no time, trying to draw anyone's attention to it.

I need to take a quantum leap away from consumption ... before I am entirely consumed. I need to love myself enough to walk away from collectives that are far more concerned with their "emperor's new clothes" than having any regard for who I am. I need to stand in who I am and not look for, or expect to find, validation from outside of myself. Someone that won't conform, is seen as parasitic to the whole organism (group). The chances of the group culture/mindset changing are slim to none. Think of the atrocity that has been enacted by groups identified with a particular way, upon others throughout history and continuing to this very day. I would suggest that the same dynamic happens within various groups that lay claim to a spiritual path as well. There is more fear about being outed by the group, than concern for, its collective behaviour. No group should be exempt from a thorough and continued rigorous self-examination. If a room full of people is "threatened" by new ideas or a different way of doing or expressing something.... ahhhhhh - RED FLAG!!

I need to continue to reckon with my addictions... to people, places and things (to mindsets, anger, righteousness, grandiosity, drama, conflict and separation. I need to learn to trust my heart, my own discernment, to trust that when I believe "something stinks... it stinks" - it doesn't matter how many people try to tell me other wise - or how loud they proclaim it.

There is no off-the-rack humans... why would it be supposed, that there is one-size-fits-all spirituality?
Karma, trauma, history, genetic inheritance, life experience, soul "mission...." I couldn't begin to unravel any or all of that, for someone else. For the most part, I might only be privy to a minute glimpse into any of it ... if any at all.

Addiction encompasses the very real possibility of relapse - this is not the failing of the individual, this is a talisman of their addiction. Joining a "spiritual community" doesn't necessarily spell the end of the journey of addiction - it can become the addiction. There can be any number of people shrouding themselves in the tenets of that particular group - while oblivious to their own addictions.

I am unquestionable both responsible for what I "do" about my addiction and I am powerless over the environment I came from and the survival strategies I created within it. I am grateful today for the ingenuity of whatever part of me orchestrated my survival. The truth of the matter was my physical needs were more than amply provided for. I received a financial legacy later in life that is a perfect metaphor for what represented "love" in that environment. I've also gone through the lion's share of it - it has neither been my salvation nor my damnation. There is nothing inherently bad about money... nor intrinsically good about it. There are certain pragmatic advantages to having some. To place an imbalanced importance upon it and consciously or unconsciously trying to buy my inner peace ... has once again brought to bare upon my attention, emotional/spiritual bankruptcy. Is this the "bottom" maybe... I can tell you of it, it is a "state" that robs the sun from the sky, spring from the step, has no concern for financial standing, and begins to view an insidious enlarging swath of human existence as pointless.
Some guidance or more accurately, a skillful redirecting of my attention, toward what is going on within myself, can certainly be helpful at various places in a lifetime. But it neither needs to come through expensive treatment, nor should it necessarily have you linked to someone's service indefinitely. My identity should not be established by my "spiritual" affiliation. If anything I believe it should help me peel away the shit from the shine-ola so I can become more clear about "who I am.."

I live in a city that features horse drawn carriages during the summer for the extraction of tourist dollars. Regardless about what one believes about the practice as a whole ... they most definitely work the best when the horse pulls the carriage. My life so often is epitomized by the cart dragging the horse or tail wagging the dog.


Of course there is something to be said for some form of human interaction.... for me what is required    is the continued mirroring of authenticity (the good, the bad, and the ugly). A steady diet of white-washing, will invariably lead to me resurrecting my delusions - I begin to mistake the map for the territory, put far too much attention and importance on that which is due very little, if any at all. I lose sight of the "giver" and focus entirely on the "gifts..." and left to my own devices ... I might just begin to act as though I am, the giver. There might be a healthy balance attainable, between community and personal autonomy and honesty - I have found it to be elusive. Of course this may continue to reflect my continued establishing of some clear idea of who I am and what I stand for, which granted can shift and change throughout a lifetime. I wouldn't know about anyone else's story, but mine involved no clear sense of myself right out of the gate and what I did "know" about me, held me, in very low regard.

 My boundaries are not entirely absent... I am finding the courage to speak at times when I would have frequently remained silent. Do I always know what a given situation requires - no! However, it doesn't mean I don't have something I need to say about it. I have everything to lose, by remaining silent. I don't know about anyone else, but there is nothing useful for me, about handing my power over to any group "leader." I will now exercise that knowing and practice accordingly. Sometimes there might be a need to stay in a situation and continue to hold my centre and truth within it - maybe there will be change outward... maybe I'll see an outcome or development I would have missed if I had bolted. Other times the necessary thing for me is to leave - it doesn't necessarily denote a wholesale denunciation of what goes on - I can both take care of myself and refrain from condemnation.

There is no "perfect" humanity - progress for me is to learn some more gentleness and understanding for my development. This in turn gives me a gradually increasing ability to exercise some patience and tolerance of others. Key word being "gradually." Addiction is rife with a want for instant gratification,  delayed reward is unthinkable and the development of such a mindset though not impossible, is labour intensive and glacially slow (at least so it seems to me). Impulsiveness is wired in (not permanently so I see, referring to current research on brain science) Emotional responses and addictive compulsions, can be observed in action, through a development of mindfulness practices. Otherwise, the fuse is lit - the wheels are turning from 0 - 120 in a heartbeat and behaviour takes place by rote. In no time at all, there I sit, enveloped in a fog bank of remorse, bewilderment and despair - the legacy of my conditioned responses and collateral damage of my own tirade. This necessarily must be represented as my "unique" story (even though I know it's not) for any hope of continued liberation from my addictions, I work toward changing "the one that I can" (maybe).

Few if any would care to consider the underlying mechanisms I have described (there undoubtedly remains far more that I don't have awareness of) - I say this because for these same people, when then judge, over-simplify and reject others, they don't have a fucking clue, what they are doing (I include myself as "people.")

If people actually experienced first hand the depth and agony of exclusion and self-righteousness maybe they wouldn't be so quick to exercise it. I know the pain as both victim and perpetrator; again not an entirely unique experience - however I can only tell my story. The story of others is none of my business - unless they choose to share some of it with me, and I'm prepared to listen.

In order to give this post a point of conclusion, I must of course, conclude. As there is no clear indication my life is about to end - I actually can't conclude, much of anything.

I suppose that is both a blessing and a curse.

R. O'Neill (January 23, 2019)

Take What You Need - Leave the Rest (or all of it...)

Today we on the west-coast were blessed with a January day that conjures some of the joys and delights of spring, though we are still firmed embraced, in the "dead of winter." As it was so favourable, and my wellness suggests I get some fresh air and exercise, I set out this a.m. shortly before 9 a.m. on foot. I had in mind to attend an early morning gathering (though there are some considerably earlier) that I'm coming to realize, also represent a spoke on the wheel of my wellness.

I also had in mind, to stop by a local office and pick up a couple copies of books, that once graced my shelves, but that I had let go of (rather than let go of, the notion I had "outgrown them").

The group this a.m. could be said to have a "Spiritual slant.." what it really embodies for me, is a space where honesty is encouraged, shadows are actively engaged, owned and accepted (if only by each, for the others). Of what value is the acceptance of others? Isn't that the very thing "we" are told to renounce?

I am no stranger to doing the shadow work. However, I'm realizing newly - that while I'm busy trying to embrace my gifts and shine my light, focus on the positive etc. Slowly and insidiously, I'm being sucker punched by the darkness within.

So, I'm not trying to make a case for dwelling in the shadows. But there is nothing positive, enlightened, awakened etc. about ignoring the continued influence of my entire humanity. It is a very positive thing - to face that shadow, albeit no walk in the park. I understand the assimilation of some of the "defences" that make up, parts of my ego, to be a spiritual process - that will happen in divine timing and along lines that are divinely designed for me. The process comes to a grinding halt - if I cease to actively engage it.

I don't know what anyone else needs with respect to how they engage with their inner world.
"Get with the Program," "Love is my Religion," "Love thy Neighbour," "Do No Harm," "My Way,"  Tenets, principles, "commandments," covenants, rituals, ceremonies, sacrifice, penance, renounce, repent, salvation, conversion, transformation etc. - take all of it, none of it, some of it......

It's not for me to judge what anyone does or doesn't do. Even if I spend time with those that are exploring a particular lens - there is no "one size fits all." Your suffering is because of what you haven't done, my suffering is because of too much of what I've done. Nobody knows what is best for somebody else. That is between God and them. I'm not the poster boy for any particular path and I've spent precious little time with the proponents of all kinds of paths, so I wouldn't know how well that pathway, is operating in their life. It's not that hard to be a spokesperson - it's another thing entirely to walk the talk.

I'm not sure that the path I walk is making me a "better person," but it increasingly makes me aware, of the different ways I'm not at my best.

I can't do that without continued honesty. An honesty that probes deeply, isn't perfectionistic in nature, but also, that doesn't take off time, for "good behaviour."

A space, where "it" can be allowed to "all hang out," - allows stone by stone a pathway to be built for me, upon which to deliver more consistently, self-acceptance.

I went to the "City Hall" today as that is where they issue the current "license" for another year of busking.

The young women at the counter seemed to me to be "too young" to have developed the indifference and lack of engagement that frequently can be the presentations of those employed in bureaucratic processes. The women that served me was warm enough to begin with; until, it was determined that I what I wanted, was the application for a new busking license; then the arctic front slipped in. You'd think I asked for a license to hunt baby seals or something.

I fully realize that not everyone looks upon "busking" as a legitimate form of well, anything - just the same it's city sanctioned, she works as a representative of "the city," so the chippy attitude is unmerited.

She knows nothing about me. For instance I am a homeowner, within the municipality of the City of Victoria... I pay taxes within that very municipality.

Having been engaged previously with some honest reckoning with regard to my own humanity, on this occasion; it allowed me, to have some space for compassion for me and then in turn for her. I'm powerless over her opinions. I'm also powerless over how I came to create my own self-judgment (which I on occasion project on others) - I'm not however, powerless over changing my attitude.

How have I been affected by an always pervasive capitalist system, that values (or devalues) human beings based on their position with in some valueless hierarchy? How does this then, coupled with my own insecurities, trigger my own self-condemnation? It's no huge secret that "the system" is deeply flawed. It serves no useful purpose for me to place myself as it's chief critic, allowing myself to completely ignore that I was born within it, and have lived my life affected by it. It doesn't mean I can't be part of change - it would begin with how I personally engage. Nothing is going to change if I hide from myself in my "rage against the machine."

How do I even know she was judging me? Maybe she was just bored out of her skull; or disgruntled about the workload that lay in front of her or that Canada lost the "World Juniors"... anything could have been going on within her...

"Know the difference I can make - is within me"

"Have the courage to continue to face myself and be willing to change...."

I don't know what that is going to look like, or when it's going to happen.

I do know, that playing "God" in my life has never worked - it certainly doesn't work any better; if I assume the role of God, in anybody else's life.

I don't think I'd care to know, just how much of my life has been exhausted, while focused on my self-righteous anger - it would be significant I'm sure. More useful I believe, is to know that it is so, and become willing to let it go. I'm not talking about the natural human emotion of anger, I'm talking about an inclination to define what I believe is best (in you name it) and then seethe with anger when it doesn't go that way. The momentary "hit" of superiority, is surely of little merit, compared to the toll frequently stirring myself into a cesspool of fetid anger.  I'm pretty sure sustained anger won't show on many lists of wellness tips.

There are most certainly different practices, connections and observances that contribute to my feeling better within myself. I'm not proposing that they be adopted by anyone else. Sometimes despite my chosen path way - I still don't present my best foot forward. This neither makes me a failure nor my chosen practices. An honest appraisal will identify where there lies the need for me to clean up my side of the street.

The need for self-love and acceptance is every present for me; especially, if I do not live up to the tenets of some spiritual path. I accept the truth of the imperfection of my humanity. I don't use that as an excuse - I can use guidelines of "perfection" as guide-posts of where I am at. Regardless, love is the appropriate response - even when my response has been unloving - it's still a call for love (at least from me) - it's not a given it will come from anyone else - except for God.

R. O'Neill (January 14, 2018)

Get Down.... (get back up again!!)

Who says "Christmas" isn't a magical season? Remember all the hype, anxiety, planning, shopping, preparing, untangling etc. and now it's nearly the middle of the first month of the New Year! Nothing left but the discounted Christmas stuff, now competing for space with the burgeoning Valentine's Day accoutrements. If you're lucky you got a few great pictures for your social media portfolio - if not so fortunate, you may about now, be being visited, by the Spirit of past spent, Visa bills.

Not to waste anytime, the notifications are arriving fast and furious aimed at capitalizing on the continued insecurity of the masses and the supposition that with these "7 Ways to....." and this window upon all things Consciousness (including unconsciousness) this Year will be the best ever!!!

It could be. If it were to be true, don't look to me to lay out the road map. What the hell do I know? I haven't written much of anything for a while. Which likely in the grander scheme of things, doesn't mean much of anything. I decided to go another round with the supposition of, whether I am "a writer."

I could apply a variation upon a theme and suggest - "I write, therefore I am.." (a writer) However if one isn't read, can they still lay claim, to being a writer? Shit, I don't even own a tweed jacket, though I could sew some patches on the elbows of my jean jacket. Seriously I have enough trouble being present as it is ... wrap me in tweed and the itch factor would drive me further to distraction.

If what I have "written" never gets published, occupies best-seller lists, opens door to gala events or spawns a new religion or finds it's way under hundreds of seats on the "Return of Oprah" - Part Deux what then of the claim of writer (real or imagined?)

What of relevancy, social impact, innovation, revolution??? So far I've neither been burdened with association nor credited with achievement. So why bother? Why indeed!

Over the Christmas season (not because of) more a chance intersection of realities, I quite significantly reduced my time on Facebook. I also deleted a couple of word games off my phone. And have become far more aware of my compulsion to eat (by which I don't mean, to ensure the adequate daily nutritional intake).

Now Facebook can be a tool, word games can challenge your mind, food as already noted, in reasonable proportions, is necessary to sustain life. I have a "history" of being an addict; which I will now more compassionately expand to include, I'm reticent to allow myself to feel the less than pleasant (read painful) feelings of life, and have lived as though true, I can create the more pleasant ones, at will. I have on innumerable occasions "gotten in touch with my feelings" - I've also spent varying lengths of time in the pursuit of numbness through "stuffing" and self-soothing through external gratification.

I entered into recovery for addictions almost 32 years ago. It was suggested back then, "the answer is spiritual." What a ride it's been as I sought the "spiritual answer." The good news (well for me anyway) I stayed sober & probably had most of these past 32 years of life and experience; which I likely would never have realized. I was suicidal when I sought treatment all those years ago.

I've been married and then 17 yrs. later divorced, had all kinds of money... bought all sorts of stuff, buried two parents, bought homes and sold homes - acquired and lost, stood in food bank line ups worked with (and for)the street community - wound up eating in the same dining room with those I served - all sober!! Got more jobs, sang in the streets, travelled the world - again still sober!

So what! (would be the cries of many a self-righteous on-looker). Well the thing is the odds are severely stacked against one (anyone) getting and staying sober - relapse is a very real, clear and present danger. Of course addiction is far more wide spread and prevalent in the world than most would admit. More relevant (being the only story I can tell) is that it's changing face can continue to reek havoc, long after alcohol and drugs are no longer  the "drug of choice."

Interesting thing I've come to realize about my "spiritual journey." Sometimes, I'd be hard pressed to distinguish when the addiction is being treated by the spiritual path and when the spiritual path is feeding the addiction. (remember I equated "addiction" with a chronic inability to be with myself). Spiritual community can represent a place of "belonging." If my concern for "belonging and acceptance" by said community becomes more important than my authenticity, I'm back somewhere in the spectrum of my addictions.

So hours lost on facebook, stuffing my face (again, when I've only just eaten) the compulsive buying of books (or spending money in general) I do love to read! However, one can enjoy self-discovery and expansion through reading and also completely detach and disassociate from their inner reality; all part of the two sides of my "recovery" & my addiction.

Given my on-going challenge with just staying present in my own skin, perhaps that sheds light on or at least raises questions, regarding my "qualification" to frame myself as a "spiritual" writer. Of course if you consider how much I've been driven by "perfectionism" (albeit shame based) you might imagine I've gone to great lengths to at least appear like I've put in the work. Believe I've been doing the work alright!!! Unfortunately a back slide now and again into self-judgment and ruthless criticism ensures that no matter how much work I've done... it's not enough. Yes I've considered that what is "really" being conveyed is "I am not enough..." I'm just not entirely sure what I'm going to do about that ..... except try and love it (which is to say, me)

Perhaps my delusions of grandeur have been a necessary adjunct on my path; to delivery me to a place of further honesty and willingness, to face myself more deeply. Through writing I discovered for myself a multi-faceted portal of entry. Who says this writing will ever serve anyone else? I'd like to believe it could. First I need to admit that my motives have not always been one hundred percent altruistic. Very little has been undertaken in my life, that doesn't serve my nerve-endings and instincts at some level. I'm not sure one can not be both benefactor and beneficiary; but a conscious intent to serve has not always been my motivation. If I never go on to touch, move or inspire anyone... well, in the case of this blog.. it's free, so you're not out anything.

For all I know maybe one day my "spiritual writing" might have nothing to do with "Spirituality.."  Maybe there's already enough experts out there. I know for me, I can't get closer to God while still avoiding myself. After all, "all the kings horses and all the King's men, couldn't put Humpty together again!" (my post, my use of metaphor) A continued seeking outside one's self, certainly hasn't been successful for me, with respect to integration of all the scattered pieces.

All these paradigms with their presentation of perfection, presupposing to be superimposed upon my imperfect humanity. Do you know you could create financial crisis through the purchase of too many "spiritual answers?"

If the "defensive" aspects of one's ego, were created in the first place, to protect against real and imagined threat of annihilation; what kind of terror do you suppose one would create, if they start talking in terms of "destroying the ego!" While I've been harbouring such intents as these derived from one set of "spiritual tenets" or another, I've maintained the status of my inner judge, jury and executioner or hunter, and perpetuated, the striking of "the fear of God," into my own heart. None of which do I believe, has anything to do with God.

I will undoubtedly adopt some form of hybrid web-like spirituality, that has as its keystone element; pragmatism. I need my feet on the ground (whilst my head plies the heavens). I've had all the confusion, illusion, delusion, hallucination, denial, disassociation, repression, tripping I need. Does it mean I won't engage in more - I'd love to be able to say no, but at least to the end of this sentence I'll keep it real.

I didn't originally "seek" spirituality - the avenue I was desperate enough to enlist to save my ass, strongly recommended I resign as the "centre of the universe." As I ply the waters of my psyche I find some aspects that prove to be less than helpful now, have been a little like those self repairing tires; life has poked holes in the armour and it scrambles to reseal itself. For better or for worse - the walls have never been reassembled to their original immensity.

In some literature alcoholics are described as "ego-maniacs" with an inferiority complex" - I can certainly resonate with the former being projected to over-compensate for the latter... The answer is not vilifying either or both..... love, understanding, curiosity - "why do you suppose you, believe it necessary to defend so?" - what are you afraid of? " tell me about your pain......

If you don't believe I, or another addict, deserves this compassionate inquiry ... then, I have the same questions to pose to you.

So then, how to, not come off all bombastic and arrogance - both which are arrows in my quiver and yet - I cannot be "the change I wish to see in the world..." if I'm afraid of my own shadow!!!

And I'm only coming to realize relatively recently, through felt experience, the nature of my fear/anxiety - previously, I wouldn't have acknowledged it to myself, never mind anyone else.

I supposed, that my "recovery" and "spiritual path" would yield me a "bigger than life," life. Do you see even a wisp of "your will, not mine be done," in: "I supposed my life will be.......!!!"

Maybe the biggest miracle enacted upon my life is that I am still alive and sober - through an act of God's grace. (and that's going to be "it!!!")

I'm not entitled, to anything else.

My getting sober doesn't necessarily presume that I'm now a "spiritual teacher.." life is once again knocking me off my high horse and reminding me that apt at times would still be, a rocking horse..

My life over these past three decades has been a demonstration of the power and gifts of God.

God's grace in my life has not been for the aggrandizement of me - that has been where I have allowed the cart to get ahead of the horse.

I suppose the will of God is infinitely patient and can out-wait my agendas and ego-driven shenanigans!

I further suppose I have prayed enough times - "your will, not mine, be done"; that I will be held to my word - even if I go all the way, around the Mulberry bush first.

Sometimes I feel like that dog on the Foghorn Leghorn cartoons. How many times did he go ahead and chase that rooster knowing he was bound to a rope attached to his collar. Still he'd run to the end of his rope and near hang himself......

God love me...... Redundancy, it's already a given.... Prodigal though I have been

Who's love is lacking then? Why now, who might that be in the mirror? Why that's me!!!!! Can I really hope to know God's love, without allowing my own??

I could sell a kazillion books and still wind up empty ... without that love from self...

So then, why don't I just go to the mirror & lovingly laugh, at my attempt to grow hair on a balding head..

And just say... I don't care if you never sell another book or write anything ever again...

You know something kid, you're amazing and I love you!!

R. O'Neill (January 13, 2019)