Friday, 21 September 2018

Transformed by the Song that Stays the Same



How barren 
And utterly bereft
The terrain
Of my soul
Remained
Languished winds
Echoed through
The abyss
Hungering 
For your Love

Through 
The darkness of
Night
I stumble
In search
For the Living water
Guided on
By 
An indomitable thirst
That will be
Singularly quenched
By your Love

An invitation
Issues outward
Like the carillon's peal
It finds the mark
Deep within
One wavering voice
Joins with
Adjunct desolate souls 

Songs of exaltation 
Simple cyclical chants
Tear heart's doors 
Asunder
I becomes we 
As all sing
Of your Love

Candles burning
Souls a stirring
Harmony & heart
Become 
Heaven a far
Spirit soars
While I 
Bath
In your Love

Begone the ramparts
That I have
Now once again
Supped upon
The river
At source
May I 
Never again
Suffer
The pangs
Of disconnection
That I may
Continue 
To serve
As a channel
For the song
That is 
Your Love


R. O'Neill (September 21, 2018)

Friday, 14 September 2018

For the Love in Sadness....



To begin with the above notation represents and example to me of how "God," Creation, Life, Higher Self, Universal intelligence works in my life. I saw this while walking, it is part of a larger wall motif on a local business that regularly sports ever-changing, thought provoking art.

What leads me to believe that it has anything to do with my "spiritual path?" That would be because for sometime now (in addition to living life) my focus has been one of accessing for the purpose of expression and release, of repressed grief. It has long been my experience that God gives me what I need in ways that "get my attention;" in other words, in the right and perfect, fits me like a glove, right off the rack ways. I could have just kept right on walking, without paying any attention to the wall. My destination was beyond. However, I was prompted to take a moment and pay attention. There was a potpourri of different "ideas" - all of which where interesting in themselves and further intriguing to consider collectively. None really "spoke to me," except this one!

What can I say about grief from a personal relationship with it? Intellectual conjecture in my case would be "part of the problem" - so I will endeavour to skirt that. To postulate and analyze  in this case, only serves to position me, "once removed." My discussion then, comes off as though I am talking about someone else, and their grief. Project that inclination over a life time, whereby grief and in fact most all feelings having been repressed, and damn, if that doesn't then begin to illustrate some of what I have to grieve about!!

I have nothing "against" grieving. The problem would pertain more to the fact, that I couldn't allow myself to be witnessed or perceived as someone that required the expression of grief. Much of my life, the defensive mechanisms I wove, portrayed someone that was detached, mostly aloof, and at times arrogantly disinterested/unimpressed.  To be seen as "caring" (let alone, the expression of love) was far too "vulnerable," too involved. I largely created a mindset that "expected" to be disappointed therefore there was no need to acknowledge the potentially painful reality of life's setbacks (i.e. "Life sucks and then you die...")

This says nothing of sadness or despair that might have been connected to "world events" and human tragedy. For one thing if I "allowed" myself to care about these things, I might have to do something about it... 

I know longer see myself as a "victim" of my childhood (or life in general) .. I will continue to identify the ways in which my needs as a child went unmet for the purpose of grieving and to discover exactly the ways I can now insure those needs are met.

It saddens me that there are those that have sat with me at one time or another (in various) forums and now presume to "know me." Let me clarify this for you .. you don't know spit, about me. At best you witnessed a snapshot at a particular place in time, it doesn't begin to reflect the entirety of who I am.

I find it perplexing and at times frustrating that their are those too, who position themselves as one that has "arrived" & pronounce that (frequently at the expense of some other group of people) others "should" meet their arbitrary (and severely limiting) expectations - incidentally expectations they haven't come close to attaining themselves.

I fully acknowledge my being a "work in progress" and that a great deal of my journey has been one of embracing personal responsibility and accountability. I am powerless over the behaviour and attitudes of others, just the same to those that presume to know what's best for me, I with deep compassion, empathy and love suggest you - Pound sand!!

Exclusion, oppression, shaming and negative criticism deeply sadden me. It further breaks my heart to recognize I profoundly I have acted out these very ways toward myself (& of course others).

No question ways of being and believing of mine were formed at a very young age; it no longer matters how they came about (other than to direct ongoing love and understanding toward myself now); what matters is my taking ownership of the creation of and/or taking on of this "bill of goods" and being clear about who I am now.

I am sad that I have surrendered my voice in situations where concern for "image management" or acceptance was allowed to inflict the continued wounding of self-abandonment. I feel further sadness that I have created so much isolation in my life upholding malarky about what it is to be vulnerable at the expense of allowing the presence of love in my life (even from me).

I feel great sadness for just how often I have place the needs of others ahead of my own, taken on responsibility for them (their feelings, what was theirs to resolve) and in doing so, gravely hurt myself and also denied them the dignity and benefit of their own journey. 

I will no longer buy into the opinion of others regarding who I am.

Since I began this blog site, years ago now, it has been my choice to practice authenticity and transparency. The writing that presents through me has been every bit as informative to me as potentially it may serve to others.

As indicated in the pictured quotation I believe that to the degree I can emphatically stand in who I am; minimizing reserve and self-censorship - it is to that extent that I allow the presence of love to express to me and through me. I want more love in the world.. therefore I must be more love in the world. I cannot know this love while hiding those parts of my humanity I'd rather conceal. It is my judgment and damnation I fear far more than that of any other man, women or child. The opinions of others are a mute point and none of my business.

I have nothing to "be ashamed of!!" I have no further intention of a continual apology for my existence. I will not bow, scrape or grovel for the approval of anyone. To allow myself to be at the "mercy," of anyone else, with regard to when they might decide, to let me off the hook, is to condemn myself to a potentially everlasting damnation. 

I'm going to eliminate the middle person and declare myself "off the hook" now!

R. O'Neill (September 14, 2018)





Monday, 10 September 2018

More Shall be Revealed...

As I ponder transforming a blank page into a back drop for expression; I become aware of my arm, and the newly added continuation, of a tattoo that now encompasses my entire forearm. It is currently entering, the "healing" stage, which involves a great deal of peeling skin. Now, on a much more unnoticeable level, skin is constantly being renewed ... "dead" skin being sloughed off to be replaced by the new. This marvel is occurring throughout our "human" body, right down to the cellular level. I believe I recall, that at the completion of each seven year cycle, nothing remains from the previous period of time that once comprised our body, bones, skin, vital organs hair (well in my case the hair is not particularly rejuvenated). Of course one may well have a mixture of previously held belief and ideas blended with completely aspects of new consciousness.

The more visual healing and peeling of the tattoo work - brings to mind for me, both the metaphor of snakes shedding their skin (as symbolic of transformation) and the wonder of transformation that is occurring within and without all day, every day.

For those adverse to tattoos, it might be more challenging to embrace my affinity for body "adornment;" as representative or reflective of anything positive, (let alone transformation). It works for me, as I have nothing but positive associations with it.

There are both active and passive aspects to the care and healing of a tattoo. Keeping it clean, moisturizing after the first few days, would comprise the active portion. The passive (which might well be every bit, if not more important) is to leave it the hell alone. The healing tattoo site is a microcosm of "A season for everything...." one cannot "speed up the healing" - by picking and peeling.... The skin will come off, when the underlying new skin has formed. Impatience (in the form of "pushing the river..") invites scarring. Again, those that don't share the enthusiasm for tattoos, may consider their presence alone.... scarring/defacing; - you are invited to see beyond your opinion, and just embrace the analogy.

"What the hell is that "thing" going to look like when you're ninety?" Well for me, I'm clear; there's no guarantee I'll see ninety, so I will focus on self-expression ... here and now. If I were to "know" or to have had it "foretold" - "you will live to ninety;" knowing what I know about me, that might just further create for me, the impression I have scads of time, to express what is true for me. As it stands, I don't know my incarnate schedule - so I actively, albeit while tripping over myself, grow into and express my authentic self - here and now. As such, I've come to understand and have compassion for, the presence of those "blocks" within myself (and the rate at which they are healed/remove)... it serves no useful purpose to "pick at those "scars" either" - there too, seasons come and season go. There are both active and passive aspects to this journey as well. I have an active and ongoing responsibility to my own life. From what might be seen as a more "passive" side of the coin... I focus on developing a deeper faith, in the process of life itself, and that which orchestrates it.

Sometimes tricky business, knowing when to actively show up and when to keep my hands off; God's business and my business. Of course it's ever so helpful if I align my business with God's business (make God's business, my business .. so to speak) by which I mean, do my best to, not run interference. I don't believe for a minute that there is any "punishment" for doing so, it just may mean another "go around.." & another season. No foul committed there either!

Well there you have it... transformation has occurred and is occurring; with and without, within and without, seen and unseen, with and without mine or your, participation!

I'll close with expressing reverence and awe for all that has been brought to my awareness and for all that I don't know, I don't know.

R. O'Neill (September 10, 2018)